Thursday, December 30, 2010

Today is the First Day of the Rest of… Oh, Who Am I Kidding?

You’ve got a clean slate, a new year that’s just begging for you to make something spectacular out of it.

Think about it:  wouldn’t it be nice to be sitting where you’re sitting this time next year and say “Look at everything I accomplished this year” without that sentence being accompanied by an eye roll and farting noises?

There are a ton of whip-you-up-into-a-lather posts this time of year, but the truth of the matter is – just like always –it’s all on you.

You’re either going to decide that this is your time and act on it… or not.

You’re either going to take big strides to make meaningful and positive changes in your life… or not.

You’re either going to straighten up and fly right… or not.

This time of year, the vast majority of us are going to be on one side of the teeter-totter, talking our big talk about the changes we plan to make in our diet, our exercise regimen, our life.

We’ll be there with our ever-present resolutions and never-been-sweat-in workout gear.

We’ll be there with our shiny new gym memberships and our promises to each other and ourselves.

We’ll be there with freshly minted purpose and every good intention.

And, almost immediately, folks will begin dropping off. Or… more likely… sliding back to the center of the teeter-totter, where it’s the most comfortable. Where there’s the least amount of upheaval and change.

Maybe it’s cynical, but I don’t have much faith in first-of-the-year proclamations. It’s easy to work yourself up into a bombastic fit, especially when everyone around you is smack-talking about what they’re gonna do in the new year.

Lasting change? That’s a different story.

Don’t get me wrong–I really do hope that today starts something special for you. I hope you find your way on this twisty road and I hope you accomplish everything you’ve set out to accomplish.

But this is bigger than a date on a calendar or a bullet point on a list of resolutions. It has to be bigger than that for you to really reach your goals.

You’re going to do it this year… or not.

It’s your choice.

It always is.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Now Playing at the Jack Sh*t Octoplex...

And if you're gonna eat Milk Duds, at least don't order them with extra melted butter...

  • Alice in Onederland

  • The Try-Light Saga: Eatchips

  • I Love You, Little Debbie

  • The Kids Are All Fat

  • Shutter Mouth Island

  • THIN: Less-assy

  • Fit Like The Other Guys

  • Despicable Meal

  • The Dieter

  • Hearty Blogger and the Deathly Swallows

  • The Girl With the Draggin’ Behind

  • Waiting for Supper, Man

  • Yoga Bear

  • Fat Pilgrimage vs. the World

  • 127 Hours of Cardio

  • How to Train Your Diet

  • True Fit

  • Blob Swan

  • The Lo-Carb Network

  • Bok Choy Story 3

  • Thinception

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

We R What We 8

I'm sorry, Ke$ha

Fat and flabbulous,
If you’re one of us, then get fit with us,
‘Cause we’re writin’ bout it on our blog

And we’ve worn fat-pants long enough.
And yes of course because
We’re startin’ to put less food in our jaws.
And no, you don’t wanna mess with us.
Jack Sh*t’s just talking ‘bout weight loss.

Tired of living extra wide.

Time to show a little pride.
No longer eat everything fried.

So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

Today we’re working out.
We’re gettin’ way less stout.
I just ate a Brussel sprout.
You know we’re losing weight.

We are what we ate!

We’re doing what we vowed.

Quit running with the crowd.

We’re feeling pretty proud.

You know we’re doing great.

We are what we ate!

Jack Sh*t, turn it up.
No damned way we’ll give it up.

I’m so sick of being abdominous.

When the cause is not mysterious.

I’m just talkin’ truth.

I yanked out my sweet tooth.
We’re sweatin’ our clothes, workin’ out hard
Lost as much weight as a saint (BERNARD!) 

I’ve got that water in my glass.
Got less poundage on my ass. 

Blog is full of mirth and sass.

So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

Today we’re running miles.

Our faces wearing smiles.

Through with all the denials.

You know we’re losing weight.

We are what we ate!

We’re running like we’re deer.

Drinking way less beer.

It’s gonna be our year.

You know we’re doing great.

We are what we ate!

Jack Sh*t - burn it up.
Jack Sh*t - burn it up.
Jack Sh*t - burn it up.
Jack Sh*t - burn it up.

This week we’re pushing hard.

Effort off the chart.
Showin’ lots of heart.

You know we’re losing weight.

We are what we ate!

We’re running like we’re cheetahs.

Laying off of the fajitas.

No one’ll ever beat us.

You know we’re losing weight.

We are what we ate!


Monday, December 27, 2010

Confush*t Say…

Confush*t say...

…a 5 a.m. workout is like a pig’s tail. It’s twirly.

…person who make weight loss podcast likes to talk diet-y.

…person who drink beer generally doesn’t lose weight, but it’s on a case-by-case basis.

…person who get vinegar in ear soon suffer from pickled hearing.

…person who put too much dressing on sandwich mayonnaise some self-control.

…person who become overweight find it’s something that just snacks up on you.

…person who eat too much seafood may think it’s salmon chanted evening but end up feeling pretty eel.

…person who eat too many eggs can quiche a good cholesterol check-up goodbye.

…person who becomes vegetarian may find it a missed steak.

…person who drinks too much at night has to worry about the mourning after.

…person who has an organic garden tills it like it is.

…person who eat too much cream sauce needs to take break for the Hollandaise.

…person who consume too much hamburger suffer from beefer madness.

…person who read Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit every day get blogged down in stupidity.  

Confush*t believes that you and you alone
are the one who controls your own density.
After all, nothing dentured, nothing gained.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Very Merry

“A Christmas candle is a lovely thing; 
It makes no noise at all, 
But softly gives itself away;
While quite unselfish, it grows small.”
-Eva K. Logue

Friday, December 24, 2010

You'll Go "Down" in History

Jack Sh*t the Lazy Lardass
Had a butt the size of a washing machine.
And if you ever saw it,
You’d wash your eyes out with Visine.

All of the folks around him,
Never commented about his size.
They just let poor ol’ Jackie
Sit there and munch on his fries.

Then one day two years ago,
The big man saw the light.
“Jack Sh*t, with your gut so big,
Chronicle your weight loss on this site.”

Now all the readers support him,
Even when he’s wildly gaining.
Jack Sh*t, the fit-tastic blogger,
Your posts are mildly entertaining!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Bodfather: Ending the Year with a Bang

Subject #5 in the "Bodfather"
Witness Reduction Program: Billie

Height: 5’4”
Starting weight: 411 
Current weight: 393.8
Loss: 17.2 lbs.
As is so often the case, I didn’t know what I was doing when I started my “Bodfather” program.

I was a little frustrated that I was writing a weight-loss blog and it was missing a little something (weight loss).

I thought it would be interesting to work with an individual and try to help and encourage them to get a little farther toward their weight-loss goals. That individual became a quintet of individuals, but I can’t say that any of them have gotten me more energized about my own fitness goals than my friend Billie.

Billie’s a large lady. I can’t pretend to know all the obstacles she’s faced at 400+ pounds. The rude comments and the complications of living in a world build for “normal”-sized people.

But there’s something even bigger about Billie. She’s got a irresistible energy and an infectious drive that’s powering a big, positive change in her life.

One day, I was telling her about how I could barely go for 15 minutes on an elliptical when I was at 300 pounds. She’s spotting me 100 lbs and tearing it up with the exercise. She’s just about blown up the DirectLife activity monitor that I muscled my friends at Philips for all the “Bodfather” participants.

“I am an athlete. A machine,” Billie told me recently. “I'm doing this like it's my job. And it is.”

Like the other “Bodfather” participants, she’s having issues on the food front, but she’s figuring it out day by day. And she’s rocking that scale. She’s said goodbye to the 400’s forever and is saying hello to a brand new person.

Billie wants a better future.

And she makes me want a better future for myself.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

More Holiday Party Helpers

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it’s difficult to get through a holiday party and not come tumbling off the weight-loss wagon. But I’d rather light a candle than curse the darkness, so here’s some helpful tips to help you party a little less hearty…

  • Try a plate full of my Nothing Turnovers; they’re just a generous helping of Nothing, sprinkled with savory Nothing, and baked inside a flaky Nothing shell

  • Get to the party six or seven hours early so you can scout out the food table and plan accordingly

  • When no one’s looking water down the liquor, eggnog and cocktail weiners

  • Bring your Twister game and demand that everyone play

  • Don't stand near the hors d'oeuvres. In fact, stand facing the corner as far from the food as possible

  • If someone asks why you’re not drinking, laugh and say “I’m an alcoholic”

  • Implement the “15-minute rule” - give yourself that much time before you get anything to eat, and then chew each bite for 15 minutes

  • Carry a “Self-Control Whistle” and blow it as loud as you can every five minutes

  • Don’t like carrots, cauliflower, cherry tomatoes or radishes?  Try crudités instead

  • Vow to only eat foods that being with the letter “K”

  • Self-esteem is a powerful tool in losing weight, so introduce yourself as “Skinny McPenny”

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Bodfather: You Can't Spell "WOW" without "WW"

Subject #4 in the "Bodfather"
Witness Reduction Program: Jodi
Height: 5’8”
Starting weight  317.6.
Current weight: 307
Loss: 10.6 lbs.

They call me “The Bodfather”.

There are five individuals working with me to better their health and utilizing my vast experience as a non-doctor, non-private-trainer and non-nutritionist. Actually, the only reason why anyone would choose me to help guide them on their weight-loss journey is that my price ($0) is very, very reasonable.

But something’s working right so far. All the participants are losing weight… and that goes double (at least) for Jodi.

Jodi’s story may (or may not) sound familiar to you: she’s been a fanatic about working out, been awesome at making activity a daily part of her life.  She was regularly ringing the bell of the DirectLife activity monitor that Philips so graciously provided for all the “Bodfather” participants.


She still struggles on the food front. After a tough day at work, she can’t muster the energy to concoct a healthy dinner. Or else she finds herself snacking right before bedtime. Whatever… it wasn’t translating to much success on the scale.

That’s why, at the first of this month, Jodi (along with her husband) joined Weight Watchers and really started putting the brakes on the rampant eating.

“I hate to admit it, but Weight Watchers just seems to work for me,” she told me. “I didn't feel like I was eating much differently, but I did make sure to stick within the guidelines and make good decisions. I focused on filling my body with the good stuff and turning to fruits and vegetables more often than when I was just merely counting calories.”

I suspect that being on WW has just made her put the same kind of focus on her diet that she’d already had with her exercise.

And keeping her eating reined in has made her want to put even more effort on her workouts. Now she has her sights set on putting the 300’s behind her for good.


Monday, December 20, 2010

It's a Miracle for Hanukkah...

...I've giving a EatSmart scale to Monica!

She won a free scale, courtesy of my friends at EatSmart
Thanks to everyone who participated in my contest.
Monica, come claim your prize!

Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
New year's resolution looking shaky due to fact that three people have already given you membership in Ham-of-the-Month Club.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You'll tell the kids that the gingerbread house broke and fell on the floor and you had to throw it away, but you and I both know the truth.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
You'll call to try to make an appointment for workout session, but the personal trainer recognizes your voice, starts screaming and slams the phone down.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Holiday experimentation comes to an end when batista trying to make you peppermint-eggnog-gingerbread-mocha-macchiato accidentally blows up your Starbucks.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Department store will ask you to full in for sick Santa but change their mind when they realize suit would be too small.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Your blog will get an influx of traffic when it's named one of TIME magazine's "50 Worst Blogs on Earth".

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Yes, everyone at the party's going to laugh when the chair you're sitting in collapses, but keep in mind that Carl just told his really funny story about the rabbi, the Pope and President Obama.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
It's true that you probably shouldn't have eaten an entire fruitcake but your co-worker shouldn't have double dog dared you.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You'll fall asleep on recliner wearing green sweater and when you wake up, realize that the kids have hung lights and ornaments all over you.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You'll regret your decision to try ice skating when you fall down through the ice... at the skating rink.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'll decide it's finally time to get serious about your weight when you can't find a scarf that fits you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
When they see you, Christmas carolers in front of your house will quit singing "O Holy Night"  and go into rousing chorus of "I Like Big Butts".

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Today Is January 1st

Weekly weigh-in: 217.9
Loss: -1.1
Total loss: -74.0
Emotion: Resolute

Happy New Year!

I've fast-forwarded the calendar to zip past the meat of the holiday season. Seeing as how it's filled with treats and temptations, parties and pig-outs, I said good riddance to those diet-wrecking days and am instead observing Sh*flight Savings Time (turning clock forward 300 hours is one helluva wrist workout).

It's not that I hate Christmas. It's not that at all. It's just that I'm ready to get rocking and rolling on this "gettin' fit" business. I read my own press clippings and realized I'm ready to shift my fitness story back into high gear.

Since returning from our college touring trips, I've been in the gym every single day. I've renewed my quest to discover what's at the end of the treadmill.

Chances are your holidays will be somewhere between my take-no-prisoners approach and some folks' take-too-much one. Whether you're planning on getting serious now or getting serious a little farther down the road, make no mistake: it's time to get serious.

Here's hoping that your new year is filled with good health, good workouts and good choices.

Whenever you start it.


Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Fat Voice – It’s All In Your Head

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where old posts go to be reborn. There was a time when I featured my own "best" posts, but I quickly ran out of ones that qualified. I may not have a lot of great posts, but I do have plenty of blogging friends with their own great old posts. So here's my "Merry Christmas" gift to you: Mary from A Merry Life dropped by this week to share a favorite from her archives. Now I'm off to start my holiday shopping and... what? It's only December 18th. I mean, I'm off to take a nap...

After the response to yesterday’s post I am almost at a loss for what to say.  The comments left on the post “Because You Just Can’t Love A Fat Girl” were interesting, eye-opening, encouraging, and thought-provoking.  There was a lot of great stuff in there, but what I found most interesting was the way many comments led my thoughts down a different path. Instead of thinking about love and relationships I found myself thinking more about weight and how it affects our own self perception.

Losing weight, gaining weight - these changes in size change you. They change how you look on the outside  but even more profoundly they often change how you feel and think about yourself. When you lose weight you gain confidence, you feel better, you think you look better and you project a more confident image of yourself. When you gain weight there is a constant nagging voice of failure in your mind that says you can’t be as confident because you just don’t look as good anymore.  Here is the thing: it is all in your head.

Fitarella mentioned the “FAT voice” in her own mind, the one that constantly asks if she will ever be good enough.  Despite all her achievements being the wonderful person she is the voice still hangs around telling her fat is unlovable, fat is no good.   Roni mentioned that with her husband, “Over the 15 years we’ve been together all the weight stuff, all the self confidence issues, worrying, the thinking I’m not good enough, all of it, was in my head.” It seems we all let the fat voice win way too often.  We allow the negative thoughts to seep into our minds and change our self perception even when no one around us agrees with it.

And that self-perception, how you see yourself, apparently has more to do with who you are and how you find love and interact with people that anything else. As Diane said, “I’ve learned along the way that a man falling for you has a lot more to do with your perception of yourself than theirs.” You are the one in control of how you see yourself and you are also in control of how others see you.  The fat voice wants you to be sad and think you aren’t worth much because of your weight.  If you listen, that is how others see you.  But that doesn’t have to be the way it is.
Instead, you can define yourself outside of your size. Like Krissie said, “I don’t let my weight define me, although that is what I blog about. I am a lot of things. I am smart. I am funny. I am giving and kind. And that’s what I focused on when I was dating. If I focused on my weight back then, I probably wouldn’t have dated as much. Other people see what what you put out there. You give off signals – body language, in your talk – that either attract people or make them want to be around someone else. If you think you’re not going to attract boys, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and you won’t.”

The FAT voice is a self-fulfilling prophecy for many bigger people. The FAT voice is a dangerous thing that exists in our own minds, and often it exists at every size.  You don’t have to weight 400 pounds to wrestle with the fat voice.  A gain of five pounds when you weigh 120 can quickly introduce you to the FAT voice.  Once it gets entrenched in your mind, it convinces you that you can’t do things skinnier people can.  “You can’t exercise at this size, what’s the point? You can’t really lose weight permanently, so why try?  You can’t find anyone to love you, so why even date?”  But if we listen to what other people are saying, we realize we have control over our lives. 

We can do whatever we want and be whoever we want. We can be healthy.  We can be active.  Fat doesn’t define you.  Thinness doesn’t define you.  Size shouldn’t matter. So, do yourself a favor and tell the FAT voice to shut up.

Friday, December 17, 2010

It's a Wonderful Diet

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Jack Sh*tley who had lost a tremendous amount of weight over the course of a couple of years. However, Jack still wasn’t very happy with the progress he was making.

Then one snowy night, he was jogging along across the Sh*tford Falls bridge when the figure of an older gentleman came plummeting down past him and into the freezing, choppy water below.


“Help!” the man screamed pitifully. “Help! Help!”

“Hey,” yelled Jack. “Are you okay?”

“No,” yelled the old man. “Aren’t you going to jump in and save me?”

“Not so much,” answered Jack, fumbling with his phone. “I’m trying to call for help, but I can’t seem to find 9-1-1 in my Contacts.”

“For Heaven’s sake,” said the old man, levitating up out of the water and onto the bridge. “You were supposed to jump in and save me so I can save you.”

“Save me?” asked Jack.

“My name is Clarence Goodbody,” said the man, bowing slightly. “I’m an angel.”

“You don’t have any wings,” noted Jack.

“Well, you don't have... um... a very good fashion sense,” snapped Clarence. “Anyway, I heard that your unhappy with the progress you’re making on your weight loss journey.”

“Yeah, I’m … hey how did you know about that?” asked Jack incredulously. “Do you have supernatural powers?”

“I read your blog, dumbass,” snorted Clarence. “You think we don’t have the internet in Heaven?”

“I guess I’ve been feeling a little disappointed in myself lately.”

“Well, I’ve come to give you a special gift,” smiled Clarence. “The gift of seeing what your world would be like if you hadn’t lost that weight.”

“I don’t need to see…”

“There, there,” smiled Clarence. “You don’t need to thank me.”

“I wasn’t thank… hey,” frowned Jack, whose body was ballooning up instantly. A button flew off his pants and his belly suddenly lapped out over his belt. A row of chins sprung up under his mouth like waves.

“I know you didn’t just do what I think you just did,” mumbled Jack.

“Look, can we go somewhere and talk about this?” asked Clarence. “My clothes are soaking wet and I’m freezing my angel ass off here.”

They made their way to a nearby restaurant and sat at the bar.

“I’m thinking of a flaming rum punch. No that’s not it…,” said Clarence to the waiter.  “Nachos! That’s it! Heavy on the guacamole and light on the jalepenos. Now off with you, my good lad...”

“Nachos?” snapped Jack. “I can’t eat nachos, you nutjob.”

“But look at yourself,” said Clarence. “Looks like you could eat an entire platter of them in one sitting.”

“Well, I used to eat a lot of stuff,” sneered Jack.

“And look at all the things you can do now,” smiled Clarence. “You can run for miles and miles.”

“And kilometers,” noted Jack.

“You can play games with your daughters and dart around in basketball games with the young dudes.”

“It’s great,” agreed Jack.

“You no longer shop in the Big and Fat and Tall shops.”

“I miss paying a premium for shoddily made duds,” nodded Jack.

“And your blog is read by lots of people,” said Clarence.


Lots of people,” repeated Clarence. “And now I need you to do something for me, Jack.”

“What’s that, angel-boy?”

“I need you to run a mile,” said Clarence somberly. “You see, every time a mile is run, an angel gets his wings.”

“Are you sure about that?” asked Jack.

“Go, son,” said Jack, pushing Jack. “Run like the wind.”

“But… the nachos!”


Jack lumbered his large frame off the stool and headed out. The cold night wind slapped him across the face, but he started jogging toward the road. He was out of breath before his fourth footfall.

“Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence!” Jack screamed out into the night sky. “Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my old body! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna run again. I wanna run again. Please, God, let me run again.

Suddenly, his wife Anita was shaking Jack's shoulder.

“Hey, Jack! Jack!” said Anita. “You all right? Hey, what's the matter?”

“Now get outta here, Bert, or I'll hit you again!” moaned Jack groggily. “Get outta here!”

“What the Sam hell you yellin' for, Jack?” asked Anita. “And why did I say ‘What the Sam hell’”?

“Anita?” smiled Jack. “Do you know me?”

Know you?” asked Anita incredulously. “Huh. You kiddin'? I’ve been yellin’ at you for 45 minutes to come help me fold the laundry - hey, you’re wearing your running shoes. Are you sure you're all right?”

“Ha, ha, ha, ha! I’m wearing my running shoes, Anita! My running shoes! Pisa’s petals... Pisa...,” exclaimed Jack, checking the pockets of his sweatpants. “They are! Anita, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!”

And with that, Jack took off running down the street, yelling “Merry Christmas!” to all his stunned and surprised neighbors. He ran and ran and ran and ran.

And somewhere, above it all, Clarence got himself a fresh pair of wings.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

"This Scale Was Meant For Weighin'" Giveaway


The people at EatSmart sent something to me.
A brand new digital scale for me to review.
I’ve been weighin’ more than I’ve usually been a weighin’,
And that’s why I’m in such a horrible mood.

This scale was made for weighing, and that’s just what it’ll do
Unfortunately it said my weight was two hundred twenty-two.

I keep gaining, when I oughta be losin’,
But I guess that ain’t this fancy new scale’s fault
It’s got EatSmart “Step-On™” technology,
But that won’t bring this gainin’ to a halt.

This scale was made for weighing, and that’s just what it’ll do
If it had given me a loss, this’d be a much better review.

A high-quality tempered glass platform,
With workmanship that's undisputed.
Just step on for an instant measurement.
(The batteries are even included!)

This scale was made for weighing, and that’s just what it’ll do.

If you’d like to win one, well I'd like to give one to you...

Leave a comment on this post
  • Follow EatSmart on Twitter @EatSmartScales 
  • LIKE EatSmart Products on Facebook 

    There's more! Click here to enter a giveaway for a free EatSmart kitchen scale (it weighs your food, not your kitchen, dumbass!). What can I say? It's the season of giving...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Bad, Badder, Worstest: Holiday Edition

BAD: You sample one of the Christmas cookies you’re baking.
BADDER: You wolf down all the cookies that don’t come out perfect.
WORSTEST: You sit in the kitchen floor and eat an entire bowl of batter.

BAD: You skip a workout to go to office holiday party.
BADDER: You skip a week of workouts to finish up your Christmas shopping.
WORSTEST: You’ve gone into hibernation.

BAD: You’ve got Advent calendar with Hershey kiss for each day in December.
BADDER: You’ve got Advent calendar with chocolate chip cookie for each day in December.
WORSTEST: You’ve got Advent calendar with cheeseball for each day in December.

BAD: You nibbled a bit too much at holiday party.
BADDER: You’ve had a few drinks and a couple plates of party food.
WORSTEST: You pulled up a chair to the buffet table.

BAD: You ate a miniature candy cane.
BADDER: You ate a regular-sized candy cane.
WORSTEST:  You ate a candy cane that’s bigger than your leg.

BAD: You’ve put off marathon training because it’s too cold.
BADDER: You’ve put off 5K training becaue it’s too cold.
WORSTEST: You’re training for a “Glee” marathon.

BAD:  Your sweaters are getting a little tight.
BADDER: You can’t button any of your jeans.
WORSTEST: You’ve got a layered look going before you get dressed.

BAD: At Starbucks, you order Gingerbread Latte with skim, but with whipped cream.
BADDER: At Starbucks, you order a regular Gingerbread Latte with whipped cream.
WORSTEST: At Starbucks, you order regular Gingerbread Latte with gingerbread house.

BAD: You popped a button.
BADDER: You ripped your pants.
WORSTEST: You broke Santa’s lap.

BAD:  You pour eggnog on your breakfast cereal.
BADDER: You ate candy from child’s stocking and blamed it on the dog.
WORSTEST: Friend points out that you’re wearing Christmas tree skirt.

BAD: You ate the chocolates that were supposed to go in the kids’ stocking.
BADDER: You ate the cinnamon buns you were saving for Christmas morning.
WORSTEST: You ate the mistletoe.

BAD: You let your gym membership expire.
BADDER: You’re using your workout DVDs as Christmas ornaments.
WORSTEST: You’ve asked Santa for an industrial-sized FryDaddy.

BAD: You had to poke a new hole in your belt.
BADDER: You wear sweatpants to Christmas Mass.
WORSTEST: You had to let out your Santa Claus costume.

BAD: You can’t stand up to watch entire holiday parade.
BADDER: Other carolers point out that your mouth is full of taffy.
WORSTEST: You go for sleigh ride and two horses keel over dead.

BAD:  You ate half a fruitcake.
BADDER: You chugged a quart of boiled custard.
WORSTEST: You ate the cookies your children left out for Santa… while they watched.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bodfather: Plenty to Give Thanks For

Subject #3 in the "Bodfather" 

Witness Reduction Program: Tom

Height: 5' 9"
Starting weight:  437.5
Current Weight: 426.5
Loss: 11 lbs.

You know, if I’d thought about it some, I might have put off this “Bodfather” business until the first of the year.

I mean, how fair is it to get these individuals all amped up to lose weight right as he head into the headwind of the holiday storm? It’s a time of year filled with cookies and cakes, parties and pigouts.

But there’s nothing I can do about the calendar, and here’s the thing:  the holidays have to be navigated every year, don’t they? I read where the average person in this country gains 7 to 12 pounds over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays (I used to pick that up about a week after Labor Day).

Anyway, I was a little worried about my “Bodfather” family as Thanksgiving rolled around. For those just tuning in, I’m following five individuals over a six-month period and blogging about their weight-loss struggles and successes. I even hooked each of them up with a Philips DirectLife activity monitor to encourage them to make exercise a part of their daily regimen.

The lone male member of the Bod Squad, Tom had quite a bit on his plate this Thanksgiving. He made plans to participate in a – are you kidding me? – 10K race.

"One of the best things though about this Thanksgiving is the 10K I did on Thanksgiving Day,” he told me recently. “And it was not so much about doing the 10K and completing it (which was great, don't get me wrong), but it was more about having my daughter out there with Grandma seeing us (my wife and I being active).  I got to pass them as the race started and said ‘hi’, and then my wife (who had well finished by the time I came around) met me with our daughter with about a mile to go. We all walked to the finish together. It’s just great to know that I trying to set an active example for my daughter to follow.”

Tom confessed that he couldn’t walk for two days after the event, but the experience of completing that 10K did him a world of good.

And I’ll tell you what I told him: if you think you’re full of pride now, imagine how you’re going to feel next Thanksgiving Day when it’s you waiting for your wife because you’ve already finished the race.

Tom finished that Thanksgiving 10K, but the real race is just getting started.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Mister Mo’ Tangle

Weekly weigh-in: 219
Loss: +.9
Total loss: -72.9
Emotion: Entangled

So there I was, with the biggest wad of tangled Christmas lights you ever saw, and it occurred to me how much the situation I was in was like my weight-loss journey.

I mean, it was all my own fault, after all. Instead of diligently wrapping the lights up last year, I saved a little time by… um… just throwing them in the box. Over the next 11 months, they apparently weaved in and out of each other to become a snarled, twisted mess.

And now I’m painstakingly trying to untwist, untwine and untangle them, cursing to Christmas music in the background..

At points, I think I’m making headway. Other times, I feel completely stuck.

There are many points during the process where I feel like giving up; however, I stick with it and a little more comes loose.

I just keep working at it, keep plugging away, and trust that I have the patience and the persistance to get the job done.

I had a pair of college-touring trips to Chicago, Baltimore and NYC bookending Thanksgiving week, so I’d already written a loss off this week. We ate at fantastic restaurants and made a habit of ducking in from the chilly streets for decadent drinks and desserts.

When I got back home, I knew I’d tangled the lights up some more, but I got back to the frustrating work of straightening things out.

Stick around, because I’m going  to get my strand straightened out before long, and when I do…

I’m gonna shine.


Saturday, December 11, 2010

Fabulosity Comes to Those Who Weight

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I shine the JSGF spotlight on other bloggers and their favorite posts from yesteryear (or, more likely, a few months back). Today's post features a little double trouble in the form of the Super Fitness Wonder Twins Kymberly and Alexandra who blog over at Fun and Fit. I can safely say that they are my absolute favorite identical twin fitness bloggers...

Dearest Fun and Fit:Kymberly and Alexandra

I’m a glamorous lady person in need of your hilarious sarcasm and expert advice.  I am on a quest to create home improvement magic but have found a limit to even MY glittertastic capabilities: that drill can get quite heavy after awhile.  Even though I have a fantastically large amount of shoes I have an embarrassingly small amount of upper body strength.  The only workout my arms probably get includes swiping my credit card at the hardware store and raising martinis to pour down my throat.  Unfortunately I have a busy schedule of kicking ass, taking names and other general fabulosity. (I need) general upper body strength not just biceps – things like … painting ceilings or weedeating for long periods of time, etc. get to be a problem and I’m too independent (cheap) to hire that (&$%*&) out. I’m thinking I’m not the only girl who has this problem so I hope others can relate!! Can you recommend some effective exercises to tone me up in no time so I can show my house who’s boss?  I toast my martini to you!  Ok it’s really just a glass of cheap wine.

Yours always in Fabulosity,

Madame Sunday

Chattanooga, TN which I call Chattavegas because it makes me (and it) seem waaaay more glam

Dear Madame Sunday:
A: You want to look like the ladies above, but instead you are more like this:


First of all, for triceps, do this exercise,


To make it easy for you, Fun and Fit are only suggesting beginner exercises that require hand-held weights and/or your body weight. But we do recommend these weights for the triceps kickback (where’s our endorsement fee Centurions?):

Then do this exercise for shoulders, chest and triceps:

After which you will be able to do this for painting the ceiling:

Glam people inspire jealousy so you have to accept that people will be talking behind your back. So make sure it’s a well-toned back.

And, finally we come to the core. Are you rotten to the core? If so, place your exercise mat on top of this:

so you can be carried around in true glam style while doing the side plank.


So, have you figured out that we are recommending a complete upper-body overhaul? No oil change or tire rotation required. When you have done all these exercises and are super hot glam fab toned shiny and sparkly, let us know so we can give you the biceps and latissimus dorsi exercises too! Ahahaaaaaaa. Get to Work Lady Person!

K: You set a high bar with your humor and fabulosity (you can pick whether I am referring to high barbells, highballs, or high people in bars). You would be well-served (and who doesn’t want to be well-served?) to add push-ups to your repertoire.  Ideally you would do these suggested upper body and ab exercises (especially the push-ups) at least three times a week, 15-20 repetitions of each exercise with good form, to fatigue. Not collapse or dishevelment, but fatigue that looks like malaise or ennui or the vapors. You know, something Victorian ladylike.

Readers, lady persons and man persons: What around-the-house activities get you in shape?
Which ones leave you less than glamorous and glowing? 

Photo credits: Creative Commons (Rennett Stowe, Nan Palmero, Quinn.Anya, loosepunctuation) and Photobucket


Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Lardass

By Dr. Sh*t

At the far end of the wall

Where old photographs rest.

In the back of the house near the
Room for our guests,
Hangs the very worst picture
Anyone every possessed.

It’s the Portrait of
The Lazy Lardass.

And there in that photograph,
Some people say,

If you look deep enough
You can still see, today,

Where the Lardass once smiled

His “Don’t-look-at-me” grimace,

Before something transformed
The Lardass’ bigness.

What was the Lardass?

Why was he so obese?

And how did he make his
Poor body decrease
From that photograph in that
Uncomfortable pose?

The old Blog-ler dwells here now.

Ask him. He knows.

Go to the blog of the Blog-ler.

Just click on his link.
It’s not his real name,
But you can call him Jack St*nk.

He writes every night,
Crafting posts very cleverly.

He laughs at his own jokes, 

While munching on celery.

And about once a day,

He describes how
His fat vanished.
He blogs his whole story,

How the Lardass was banished.

He'll tell you, perhaps...
if you're willing to stay.

It all started way back...

Such a long, long time back...

Way back in the days when
The Cheetos were still eaten.
And beers were still swilled

By a big chubby cretin.
When all kinds of bad stuff
Wound up on his plate.
When he couldn’t control
What he did or he ate. 

And he loved to melt cheese!

The Velvetta cheese!

The bright-orange hunks of 

That Velvetta cheese!

Melted atop pile after pile of
Fries from the deep freeze.

And there by the fries, 

See the Brown Piz-za-Rolls,

Looking so good in their
Piz-Za-Roll bowls.

There right beside a plate
Of sweet Donut-ty Holes. 

But that cheese! That cheese!

That Velvetta cheese!
He’d buy a big box and eat all
That he’d please.

The taste of that cheese

So rich and so processed,
All melted on chips on
His plate on the armrest.

In no time at all, he had built
Quite a gut.
Had transferred pounds of Velvetta

Down onto his butt.

Then one day he stopped,
His brain went ga-Zump!
He looked.
And saw that his body
Was just a big lump.
He was just about as wide
As mom’s minivan.
Describe him? That’s easy.
He was the Michelin Man.

Then one day he decided,
That his frame was too weighty.
He started to blog and turned his
Life around one-eighty.
A week full of workouts while
He stopped eating biscuits,
Had lead to his weight falling
By double digits.

Still, he was squishy. And softish.

And plumpish. And assy.

And his body talked to him
In a voice sharp and nasty.

“Mister! it said with a gluttoneous wheeze,

I am the Lardass. I speak for the Cheese.

I speak for the Cheese,
For the Cheese is the boss.
And I'm telling you, sir,
We’re upset at this loss!”

He was very pissed off as he
Flittered and flogged--

“What's that THING you've
Blogged on your blog?”

“Look, Lardass,” Jack said.
“Don’t go wetting your pants.
This may not work out,
But I’m taking that chance.

I'm gonna keep going.
This blog’s called Jack Sh*t.
Cuz ‘Jack Sh*t’s’ what I know
About getting more fit.

“It’s a blog. It’s a diary.
It’s an anchor. It’s a guide.

It’s a way to reach down to
The healthy person inside.

I use it for inspiration.
For guidance. For jokes.

For the opportunity to help
Other fat folks.”

The Lardass said,
You are dumb as a log.

There is no one on earth

Who would read that fool blog!”

But the Lardass was wrong,
Jack proved he was demented.

For, just a few days later,
A commenter commented.

She thought that Jack’s blog post
Was great for over-eaters,
And promised to talk it up
To other potential blog readers.

Jack laughed at the Lardass,
“You poor stupid cretin!

You never can tell what
Some people are readin’.”


Jack didn’t want to live fatter.
He most truly did not.

He had to grow fitter.
So fitter he got.

He fittered his arms.
He fittered his thighs.

He fittered his bottom.
He fittered his size.

He fittered his body,
North, south, east and west.
He wasn’t always perfect,
But he did try his best.

He went right on fittering...
Getting more and more fit.

And if you think he’s done fittering,
You don’t know Jack Sh*t.

The Lardass said nothing.
Just gave Jack a gaze...

And promised he’d see him again
One of these days.

But Jack is intent
To be rid of that rascal.

He’s dug a deep moat
To protect his new castle.

And the door boasts a sign
With just one word:  “UNLESS”
To remind those inside
That you don’t want to regress.
The Lardass would love to
Leave you with new messes,

Unless we continue to build
On our successes.

It’s been a long journey,

But each day since that day,

Jack’s worked really hard to
Keep the Lardass away.

And now there’s more things he can do
Than things he cannot.

So he’ll keep pushing forward

With all that he’s got.

And now, says the Blog-ler,

It’s time you did your part
The Lardass may have your body,
But he can’t touch your heart.

UNLESS you start

Giving healthy living a shot,

You’re not going to get fitter.

You’re not.


"Catch!" calls the Blog-ler.

Something falls to my knees.

It's a Velvetta box.

But it’s missing the cheese.

(What were you expecting?
Some Truffula Seeds?)

And no Velvetta cheese is what everyone needs.

It’s your only body.
Treat it with care.

Give it plenty of water.
Feed it fresh fare.

Grow more fit.
Be just like Jack.

Then the Lardass and his lazy ways

Will never come back.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You'll Thank Me Later

  • I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich

  • Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order

  • Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway

  • Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy

  • For every glass of wine you drink, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people

  • I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”

  • Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter

  • When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy

  • Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates

  • Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush

  • For every Christmas cookie you eat, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”

  • Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bodfather: The Jury's Still Out...

Subject #2 in the "Bodfather"
Witness Reduction Program: Laurie

Height: 5'6"
Starting weight: 240  
Current weight: 232
Loss: 8 lbs.

What happens when a lawyer is made godfather? 
. . . He makes you an offer you can't understand.

What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? 
. . . Stick his bill up his ass.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
. . . Two dobermans!

Pretty soon after Laurie–the second participant in my “Bodfather” program–got started, I began having misgivings.

First off, Laurie’s a lawyer, and when has anything to do between an attorney and me ever gone the way I wanted it to?

Secondly, Laurie’s heart didn’t really seem to be in it.

She was busy.

She didn’t have time to eat right, her career kept her hopping too much to exercise.


I object!

I had to get a teensy-weensy bit testy with Laurie because I didn’t like a lot of what I was hearing from her:

And I'll go ahead and say this right to your face: get your priorities straight! A career is important, to be sure, but don't relegate taking care of yourself down the list. Yesterday I was working on a project with an afternoon deadline that I was woefully behind on. My first impulse was to skip my noontime workout and knock the project out, but at the last minute I said "F that" and went and did my thang, trusting that I work even better under pressure (well, maybe not "better" but definitely "faster"). It all worked out in the end AND I got my workout in. I know that law can be an intense profession, but you're not gonna be in any shape to enjoy those big bucks you're pulling in unless you make some big-time changes in your life. 

I thought about all the people looking for assistance that I had turned down, and I was getting ready to really let Laurie have it with both barrels. Because that’s what I envisioned this whole “Bodfather” business being about anyway… about having someone to shine a light on you, someone to hold you accountable even when you start second-guessing yourself.  Someone to make you do this, and do it right!

I’m not even sure if the “Bodfather” participants realize how serious I am about this, but if they start slacking off on me, I’m prepared to publicly wear them out (and I encourage you to join me in the beatdown).

But for now, Laurie seems to have straightened herself out. After a no-loss weigh-in to start things off, starting enjoying a little success on the scale. She’s still having issues with time management and food, but she’s starting to see signs of a down-the-road payoff already and has been chronicling her struggles and successes on her own blog.

“I can't believe that food had me in tears at one point,” she told me recently. “It's really embarrassing.  And I am so confused as to why it is so hard.  I am confused because I feel better. You are so right, that energy is starting to come back. After starting to take 10-20 minute walks at lunch or, if meeting, in the afternoon, I feel so much better. People have begun to notice the energy (I talk really fast when I have are probably a figure of dislike at my office now). And my skin is clearing up. I knew it had a lot to do with sugar and as soon as I stopped eating candy and made the effort to read labels, it started clearing up.

“My clothes are already fitting a little better. I still creak, still not all that flexible, but I can smoke a 1 mile walk now. I have climbed to 15 minutes on the elliptical in one week. And I can get up from a chair without using the arms.

“All in all, everything is changing for the better. I wish I could figure out why, when all of these GREAT things are happening, I have so many moments during every single day of wanting to quit, wanting to eat crap? I suppose the most honest answer is, of course I am fighting every single day. I spent over 20 years giving in every single day. That gremlin is not going to be silenced by a few days of being denied.

 “Scientists have found that what we call will-power (the strength to say no) has to be built up like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger and more automatic it gets. It's why it takes a dedicated smoker multiple times to quit. And it's why a dedicated weight loss person usually has to go through a lot of crap in the beginning phases. People give up because they don't realize that it will get easier, that they are building toward something."

Laurie got off to a slow and unsteady start, but she’s catching her stride now.

What do you get when you cross an overweight lawyer with a positive life change?

I don’t know, but we’re gonna find out…


Monday, December 6, 2010

Good News/Bad News

 Good news: while in NYC, I weighed myself at the American Museum of Natural History and it turns out that I've lost over 200 lbs. Not sure how that happened, but I'll always take a good weigh-in...

Bad news: think I gained it all back with afternoon "Mad Hatter" tea party with daughter Pisa at Alice's Tea Cup

Friday, December 3, 2010

Signs You’re Not Giving 100% During Your Workout

  • Clothes actually smell better after you’re finished

  • You just logged a .5K run

  • Personal trainer keeps using you as example of what not to do

  • Guy with no arms is bench pressing more than you

  • Favorite machine:  ElevatorMaster

  • You have to ask somebody which direction to walk on treadmill

  • You’re using an inflatable kettlebell

  • According to elliptical readout, you almost burned a calorie

  • You spend 95% of your workout time “limbering up”

  • You rest so long between sit-ups that a nurse walking by starts performing CPR on you

  • You carry a water bottle packed with cherry pie filling

  • You work out in penny loafers

  • Gym nickname:  “Creampuff”

  • You leave car running during your workout

  • Favorite workout playlist on your iPod is nothing but lullabyes

  • Your gluteus never seems to get any less maximus
  • Heart rate monitor continuously flatlines

  • Your “yoga” is just you sitting Indian-style and working a sudoku puzzle

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Do You Need a Fairy Bodmother?

Jack Sh*t is traveling again, taking his daughter Holly to tour colleges (still looking for one that is willing to have tuition paid in yarn). So Jules from Big Girl Bombshell is stepping in to weave her magic. Pay attention!

An offer you can’t refuse! That’s what I tried to do for the Bodfather, when he felt overwhelmed with the laundry dragon that had stormed his castle while he was taking care of his kingdom. But, he turned the tables on me! Pulled the rug right out from all my sneaky glory! He REFUSED the offer; BUT gave his profound instructions so well, I couldn’t refuse.

You see, I still believe in fairy tales and magic. I believe in the goodness of people and helping them be successful in their quest, their dream, To get a leg up. Bippity Boppity Boo and Ho! Ho! Ho! But just like Bodfather fashion, he always thinks of YOU!

His refusal can become YOUR benefit. This fairy Bodmother is waving her magic wand and paying it forward. I am following in the Bodfather’s footsteps, even though they are tremendously hard shoes to fill. Remember this? Jack’s First-Ever Giveaway. I didn’t win but it had a profound impact on my journey. This is what my entry comment said:

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

WoW Jack So many great comments. When it is my $100 I will buy good soil and buy seeds for my vegetable garden this year. Anything left over I would use to buy jars to can so I could have fresh veggies in the winter. Last year was my first vege garden and I posted about how it woke me up to taking care of my body. I can't wait to get started this year. Plus if I win I promise to run two laps around the garden every night. I will post pics of the garden to show what good use the $100 went toward.

I still planted that garden, took pictures of that garden and learned some MAJOR lessons about myself with that garden. AND I ran those laps around my garden. It wasn’t easy but six months later, I am on Week 4 of the C25K. I am eating healthier, working out and my whole family is slowly joining the journey. This journey is for a lifetime and we all need a little magic. We all need a Bodfather to kick us in the butt but we also can use a fairy BODmother to give us a special wave of her magic wand.

So pop on over to Wave the Magic Wand Giveaway over at my place, Big Girl Bombshell, and tell me what your wish is. Tell me what $100 would do for your weight-loss journey.

Note from Jack: if you'd like to leave a comment on this post, well... it just sucks to be you today.



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