Saturday, July 31, 2010


Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I tend to repeat myself, repeat myself. I recently read a newspaper article that said it's a real problem that folks call up the 9-1-1 emergency number for trivial matters such as finding out what time a show at the local movie theater starts. Don't do that!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I'm sorry, I’m trying to reach nine-eleven.

Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.

Me: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?

Dispatcher: Yes, sir; nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Me: You gotta be sh*ttin’ me. D’ja know I spent $700 on a special phone just so I could have an “11” button. Now that I finally have a chance to use it, you tell me I didn’t even need it. Isn’t that always the way?

Dispatcher: What is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I’m really hungry tonight.

Dispatcher: Excuse me.

Me: I’m staaaaaaaaaarving.

Dispatcher: Sir, this line is for emerg…

Me: Yeah, emergencies, I know… but here’s the thing: in the past when I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve inevitably started slipping and before you know it, I’m right back where I was if not worse.

Dispatcher: Sir, is there some sort of trouble at your house?

Me: I’ll say. I was rooting around in the pantry and I found this old bag of Cheesy Chex Mix.

Dispatcher: Chex Mix?

Me: Yeah, it even says it’s low-fat, but the trick they use is that the serving size is about a thimble full.

Dispatcher: I don’t understand…

Me: I used to buy it all the time “for the kids.” Only here’s the thing: I don’t think any of my kids liked Cheesy Chex Mix. Oh Pisa will eat it, I guess, but Sallie Mae and Holly can’t stand the stuff. Yet I bought it every week, and every week I polished the bag off all my my lonesome.

Dispatcher: Sir, 9-1-1 calls are reserved for actual emergencies…

Me: Do you not understand? This stuff is like crack to me. If I eat a handful, it’s gonna be a whole bag and the next thing you know, I’ve got a grocery cart taking the turn to the snack aisle on two wheels.

Dispatcher: Can you not just throw the… the Cheesy Chex Mix in the trash can?

Me: An unopened bag? Are you mad? I’d be back rooting through the trash before you could say “What is the nature of your emergency?” to the next dude that calls.

Dispatcher: Sir, what do you want me to do about it?

Me: I know the firemen and paramedics are busy, but I was thinking that a dog catcher could work. Y'know, because he’s got one of those big nets.

Dispatcher: Sir, I really ought to bust you for tying up the 9-1-1 lines, but it just so happens that I’m fighting a little battle with my weight as well. My advice is for you to flush the offending materials down the facilities and go about your evening. You’ll feel better in the morning.

Me: Okay then. Well, thanks for your time and good luck on your own weight-loss journey.

Dispatcher: You sure you're gonna be okay.

Me: I got this... goodbye old friend.

Dispatcher: Was that to me or the Cheesy Chex Mix?

Me: (sound of toilet flushing and inconsolable sobbing)

Dispatcher: Well, okay then...

Friday, July 30, 2010

World's Worst Workout DVDs

  • Fidget with Gidget!

  • Lard Have Mercy: The Sittin'-In-Church Workout
  • Shake It 'Til You Break It

  • The Kegelbell Workout

  • Hair-obics

  • "Boom Boom" Beaulah's Boogie-Woogie Bootcamp

  • Gettin' Medieval with Sir Squat-A-Lot

  • Bodfather - The Cement Shoes Workout

  • Laughing and Lunging with Floppy the Clown

  • Sweaty Neddie's "Work Off Them Man-Tits"

  • Too-Much-Coffee Calisthenics

  • Skittlebells!

  • Sweatin' to The Star Spangled Banner

  • Nude Zumba for Beginners

  • Wild Bill's Barbell and Cowbell Workout

  • X-treme Scrapbooking

  • Cannibalistic Calisthenics

  • Jillian's 30-day Shriek

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Suffering from PVS (Post-Vacation Syndrome)

I got a couple of weeks ahead on this blog and then took off for a rip-roaring vacation in the Pacific Northwest. I planned to write a few posts while I was goofing off, but I wound up underestimating my own laziness.

So as it turns out, I got nothing in the pantry for you today… no silly songs or Gettysburg Addresses, no TV show rewrites or hilarious jokey jokes for you. Check back tomorrow when we should have some fresh goodies back in the case.

So today I think I’ll just yak…

I thought that going on long hikes through Glacier National Park would lead to big, stirring thoughts about this journey we’re all on together. Would lead to some stunning new revelations, some breathtakingly fresh ideas.

Instead, I rewrote all the John Denver songs in my head with new lyrics (but to my credit, I immediately threw them all away…).

What actually happened was that I got away from my obsession with healthy living and exercise and dieting and blogging for a bit. I took a deep, cleansing breath of fresh mountain air and I enjoyed the magnificence of Nature with a capital “N”. This part of the world is too big, too majestic, too magnificent for any lower-case descriptions.

I quit thinking about what and how much I was putting in my mouth and tried to just not go ape-sh*t crazy with the choices. Oh, I ate too much, drank too much and didn’t really give any of it much of a thought in the process. I can’t say I was as good as I should have been, but I definitely enjoyed myself.

This is a lifelong journey for us, and a lifetime’s a helluva long time. That’s my takeaway from the past week anyway.

There will be solid weeks and bad weeks, all kinds of highs, all sorts of lows.

But we’ll keep moving forward.

We’ll keep pushing and pushing and pushing…

It occurs to me that this is the point in the program where I usually start my inexplicable, out-of-control ascent back to obesity. This is generally the point where all the good work I’ve put in goes out the window.

Not this time.

Not this time.

Not this time.

I backslid a little this past week, of that I’m quite certain. I drank coffee most mornings and enjoyed desserts most evenings. I had some tempura sushi (what?) and picked up a few items in the most decadent chocolate shop I’ve ever stepped foot inside.

I even drank a $7 lukewarm beer on the flight home and enjoyed every drop.

But tomorrow’s a new day.

A brand new day.

And I’m looking forward to it.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Things I Noticed About Flying While Not-So-Fat

There are roughly a billion and a half reasons that life is better when you’re not so overweight, but sitting on an airplane has to crack the “Top Ten”.

Here’s what I noticed while jetting across the country last week…
  • Not having to grab a meal at the airport saves approximately $200

  • Though still unlikely, admittance to Mile High Club is now at least a theoretical possibility

  • No longer have to listen to pilot on loudspeaker say that flights delayed because technicians are double checking plane's structural integrity

  • Stewardess no longer points out special exit exclusively for me during pre-flight instructions

  • No more seat belt extenders for the seat belt extenders

  • No longer have people weep openly when I tell them my seat is next to them

  • Have stopped daydreaming about cotton candy when I gaze out the window

  • No longer member of KFC "Frequent Frier" Club

  • Stewardess now asks if I want the whole can of soda instead of the entire beverage card

  • Never noticed there was an armrest between the seats before

Monday, July 26, 2010

Missus Bitchcakes and Mister Sh*t

Like you, I watch a lot of old vaudeville clips and was particularly taken by this ditty from the comedy team of Ed Gallagher and Al Shean.

Gallagher and Shean performed this song in vaudeville beginning in 1920. They also used it on Broadway in the 1922 Ziegfeld Follies. New verses were frequently added to fit special occasions or current events.

This stylish chick always makes me think of better days gone by, plus she’s got a fantastic weight-loss story (as well as a bitchin’ blog).

Anyway, it all came together in my head for a vaudeville- and bitchcakes-inspired extravaganza...

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

I’ve gotta tell you, lady
You’re got style I’d like to steal
A fantastic sense of fashion
Not to mention retro passion
While I buy all my duds
Down at the Goodwill.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Your sophistication’s
A bit lacking, I’ll admit.
Just remember, if you can,
It’s not the clothes that make the man.

Jack: Oh! I thank you, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re quite welcome, Mister Sh*t.

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Weight Watchers seems to be the way you roll.
Counting points with all your eating,
And weighing in at every meeting.
Hey, whatever helps you
Help you reach your goal.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I think Weight Watchers could help you quite a bit.
I wish that you would try it.
It’s a real smart way to diet.

Jack: It’s too expensive, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re a cheapskate, Mister Sh*t.

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
I saw some pictures of you
Riding on your bike.
I saw you stylin’ on your seat,
As you pedaled down the street,
And I thought that we
are very much alike.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
A bike seat’s definitely a nice place to sit.
I’m just sorry you don’t know how it feels
To ride without the training wheels.

Jack: Oh that’s harsh, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Just the truth now, Mister Sh*t.

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

It’s good to start your day
With a healthy dose of fruit.
No matter what the type,
Just as long as it is ripe.
It’ll help keep you looking good
In your birthday suit.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I’m not sure that your breakfast
There is too legit.
I’ve got to tell you, oops
There’s no fruit in your Fruit Loops.

Jack: You got me, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: I don’t want you, Mister Sh*t.

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Come jump into the pool; the water’s fine.
Maybe you’d like to swim some laps,
Or just splash around perhaps.
Just don’t worry if your form’s
Not as good as mine.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t, (splash)
Swimming’s a great way to keep us nice and fit.
I can give you lessons if it helps.
Compared to you, I’m Michael Phelps.

Jack: Hey, nice breast stroke, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Good dog-paddling, Mister Sh*t.

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes!

Sheryl: Is that a photo album
You’ve got there, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: There’s hardly any pics of me,
Since I was big enough for three.
I only said “Cheese” when
It was real cheese I could get.

Sheryl: Why Mister Sh*t,
Why Mister Sh*t.
No one’s ever gonna confuse you
with Brad Pitt.
But now for photos by your friends,
We won’t need the wide-angle lens.

Jack: Snap my picture, Missus Bitchcakes?
Sheryl: Give us a smile now, Mister Sh*t.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

On the Scale Today? No Weigh!

Weekly weigh-in: ******
Loss: -******
Total loss: -*****
Emotion: **************

I’m on the road this week, chillaxing up near Glacier National Park, a thousand miles or more from my ol’ pal, the bathroom scale.

I may be losing my weekly weigh-in, but I’m gaining something else in the process: well, yeah… it’s a few pounds that I’m gaining, but you know how that goes.

You start off with good plans and high hopes, and then you pull out of your driveway…

My wife Anita and I have an old saying that we use as an excuse for our occasional overindulgence: “Everything’s just so delicious!” Well, it is!

I really do appreciate a really good meal, a nice bottle of wine, a decadent dessert. I don’t think, over the years, that those kinds of things were necessarily my problem. No, what did me in was the everyday poor choices, the mindless snacking, the piss-poor habits married with a much-too-sedentary lifestyle.

Our plans for this trip involve plenty of hiking, plenty of activity, plenty of get-up-and-go. I’m certain that the calories won’t balance out at the end of the day, but it won’t be a complete disaster.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll be chased by a grizzly bear and really get a good workout in…

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Lost Bloggers

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I dredge up something from the archives to give myself a break from the wear and tear of coming up with new fart jokes every day. As I was rummaging through my attic, I came across this one, and it seems fitting because I've recently noticed more and more bloggers dropping off the scene. Where are you, lost bloggers?

At the suggestion of a noted weight-loss blogger who didn’t want to take credit for the idea, I spun my wheels for quite a while trying to craft a song parody to “We Are The World” that centered around the idea of helping those weight-loss bloggers who have dropped off the radar over the last few months, never to be heard from again. The gist of it was to have different guest bloggers “sing” the different parts, urging these people to return to their online weight-loss journey.

We are the wide, we are the distressed.
We wanna be the ones who look a little better
When we get undressed.

I couldn’t seem to bring it home to my satisfaction, but I started thinking about it again as I was going through the blogs I’m following and hacking out the ones that haven’t updated in forever.

It was kind of depressing, to tell you the truth. There were so many “This Is It!” and “Never Give Up!” posts that were immediately followed by… crickets.

I was surprised to find that there were quite a few whose stories I was really into for a time. But out of sight, out of mind, I suppose, and new, more active voices tend to fill that void.

The sad thing is that I suspect that these folks haven’t just dropped the ball on their blogging. If they’re anything like me, they’ve lapsed into that mindset that says if I’m not thinking hard about what I’m eating, the calories don’t count. If I’m not weighing myself regularly, I’m not gaining weight.

I’m afraid that they’re going to wake up one day and realize that they’re lost a lot of ground on their journey, that they’ve slipped back down that slippery slope where climbing is such a slow, tough trudge but sliding back can happen as quick as a hiccup.

I don’t have a lot of weight left to lose, but I’m still blogging like my weight depends on it… because in a very real sense, I believe it does.

“There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives

It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me.”

Friday, July 23, 2010

Signs You Need to Do Something About Your Diet

  • You count candy corn as a vegetable
  • Doctor says that your bloodwork shows a high concentration of frosting

Only fruit you've eaten in past three weeks is Hostess fruit pie

You regularly have movie theater popcorn for dinner

  • Kraft blames you specifically for the current worldwide macaroni-and-cheese shortage

  • You've memorized all the selection numbers in the office vending machine

  • Your popsicles glow in the dark

  • For breakfast, you have an enormous bowl of Milk Dud Bran

  • Your most-used condiment is marshmallow creme

Your favorite dinner is fried chicken with a side of buffet

  • You find yourself buttering a stick of butter

  • You point out that you and your spouse finished an entire bottle
 of wine at dinner, after which your spouse replies “Ummmm, I didn't
have any wine”

  • Domino’s has started marketing a new deep-dish pizza named after you

  • You sweat grease

  • Your sack lunch looks like a 9-year-old’s bag on Halloween night

  • You order green beans at a restaurant and the waitress keels over from shock

  • You wear one of those beer-can hats to church

  • You do your grocery shopping at the gas station

  • The fellow that owns that ice cream parlor you like hugs you and thanks you for sending his daughter to Princeton

Thursday, July 22, 2010

This Is How It Is...

  • Good intentions aren't as good as a good workout.

Plan to do well and you might actually do well.

  • If you're not pushing yourself, you're standing still.

  • You could really use a good night’s sleep.

  • Look before you leap… but then leap!

  • We all fall off the wagon… it’s the interval between falls that makes all the difference.

A little bit of junk food almost invariably leads to a lot of junk food.

  • You don't necessarily have to wait til Monday to shift this thing back
in high gear.

Six months can change your life.

  • Everything you want out of this life is still within your grasp.

  • Standing on the sidelines sucks.

  • You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit.

  • It’s easier to keep the ball rolling than to start the ball rolling.

  • This thing can be simple… if you make it simple.

  • Eating more slowly is the first step towards eating more mindfully.

  • This isn’t forever; it’s just for the rest of your life.

  • You control virtually every aspect of this journey

  • You're worth the effort!


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