Thursday, March 31, 2011

100 More Weight Loss Tips

1 Exhale every iota of oxygen from your lungs before stepping onto scales.
2. Instead of skim milk, drink skimmer milk.
3. When you go to a restaurant, try to refrain from telling your waiter "I'll have everything on this side of the menu."
4. Download an app that emits a shrill, piercing whistle whenever you eat anything.
5. Use low-fat deodorant.
6. Whenever you shake hands with someone, do it violently and for over a minute. Besides showing the person that you're damn glad to meet them, it'll burn up to five calories.
7. Never eat anything bigger than your head.
8. Write down everything you eat as well as everything you don't eat.
9. Instead of skimmer milk, drink skimmest milk.
10. The more colorful your breakfast cereal, the worse it is for you.
11. Have your dentist yank your heaviest teeth.
12. It's okay to have an "off" day every so often, but please remember to have a few "on" days as well
13. Have someone hide your lunch; you'll burn calories trying to find it or save a lot of calories if you don't.
14. Eat several small meals a day or a microscopic meal every 15 minutes.
15. Keep a hula hoop in the car so that you can hop out and get some exercise when you're stopped at red lights.
16. Don't think negative thoughts about yourself, stupid.
17. Besides being low fat and low calorie, watermelon provides exceptional seed-spitting opportunities.
18. A dietician can custom design a healthy diet plan that you'll never follow.
19. Bowling can burn more calories if you throw the ball overhand.
20. Remember this simple rhyme: "Don't eat so fast or you're a dumbass."
21. Horizontal stripes will make you look more fat, so don't get horizontal stripes tattooed all over your body.
22. Just forget that cheesecake ever existed.
23. Using a giant marshmallow as a pillow sounds like a good idea, but trust me when I tell you that it's not.
24. Drink diet whiskey.
25. Don't have unrealistic expectations for your weight loss or how entertaining my blog's going to be on any certain day.
26. Digging is a great way to burn a lot of calories as well as to make a hole.
27. Daily affirmations can help make you believe things you may not currently believe; here's an example: "I believe daily affirmations can make me believe things I may not currently believe."
28. When you order pizza, have the grease served on the side.
29. At the beginning of your session, refer to your personal trainer as "Sissypants".
30. Movie theater popcorn can be incorporated into a healthy diet as long as you limit your intake to a single kernel.
31. Buy organic organs.
32. Keep bowls of snacks that you can eat as much as want of, such as celery, apples and sand.
33. Nonstop sex can burn up to 8,400 calories per day.
34. Carry a kettlebell keychain.
35. Keep in mind that Jesus rarely, if ever, ate cheese melted on Triscuits.
36. Ice skating burns a lot of calories, so always wear ice skates just in case you run into an ice skating rink.
37. Never give up... unless your favorite show is coming on.
38. Just because blueberries are a "superfruit" don't expect to gain superpowers after eating a single cup. It'll take three or more...
39. Still got that unnecessary appendix? Man, how lazy are you?
40. FYI: a "cheat" day doesn't involve cheating on your taxes.
41. To look skinnier, dress in dark colors, wear vertical stripes and lose weight.
42. If you're committing suicide, jumping off a bridge is your most aerobic option.
43. Eat with tweezers.
44. To keep yourself from getting tempted at the grocery store, make sure you wear a blindfold.
45. Don't swallow every fourth bite.
46. Don't play games that might make you hungry, such as "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" or "Hungry, Hungry Monopoly".
47. Juice is surprising high-calorie, so be sure to dilute it with low-fat vodka.
48. You can trick kids into eating more veggies by telling them you'll quit loving them unless they eat them.
49. You can drink more water by putting more of it into your mouth and then swallowing.
50. Stop not-doing and start not-not-doing.
51. Think about becoming a scientist who invents some sort of super weight-loss pill.
52. Only allow yourself to eat certain kinds of chips (computer, cow, mesquite or poker).
53. Trick yourself into eating less by preparing foods that somehow - maybe using optical illusions - appear larger and more filling.
54. Put away your cash and credit cards and pay for everything from giant bag of pennies you lug around everywhere.
55. Before every meal, drink a large glass of lemon juice.
56. Worms are surprisingly high in protein, and I'll eat a half-dozen of them if you give me a dollar.
57.  The best time for you to get serious about this weight-loss business is today. The second-best time is tomorrow. The third best time is the day after that. The fourth best time? How should I know that?
58. Every day, give yourself a pat on the back, credit for everything you've accomplished up to this point and an enema.
59. Start blogging while jogging.
60. Quit eating tater tots while reading this post.
61. Remember what Dr. Oz said: "Click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home.'"
62. Chocolate-covered salad isn't quite as healthy as it sounds.
63. When you're running, don't forget not to have a heart attack while you're out.
64. Cactus is low-fat but extremely high-prickle.
65. If you don't believe in yourself, yourself will never believe in you (sorry, but I'm doing 100 tips, they're not all gonna be winners).
66. You can make any recipe more low-calorie by replacing good-tasting ingredients with yucky ones.
67. Run one mile for every obscenity you utter.
68. When you make spaghetti, replace the meatballs with Nerf balls.
69. Nobody really likes salt substitutes, but you can trick your family by secretly replacing it with real salt.
70. You can run your car without gas or water but don't run it without oil. Yes, I know that's not a weight-loss tip, but my father Horace says it to me all the time...
71. A good low-calorie snack is a bottle of lemon-flavored water and a few slices of water-flavored lemon.
72. Get a seeing-diet dog that is specially trained to bite you when you binge.
73. When grilling out, avoid fatty meats like panda.
74. One way to keep from overeating is to have teenaged kids who eat you out of house and home.
75. There are a myriad of benefits to becoming more flexible, including fewer injuries and better performance in limbo competitions.
76. Get on Facebook instead of Fatfacebook.
77. Use extra-virgin olive oil, but please... I beg of you... be gentle.
78. When you wake up every morning, tell yourself that THIS is the day you're finally going to start getting it right.
79. Try eating dinner outside, while running a marathon.
80. Replace the meat in your tacos with warm cedar shavings.
81. Oxygen bars are very trendy; if there aren't any in your area, send me $20 and I'll ship you a six-pack of hand-picked oxygen.
82. Cutting down your weekly fish stick intake by 50 fish sticks will save hundreds of calories.
83. Doing everything twice will double your caloric burn.
84. Doing everything twice will double your caloric burn.
85. French fries really aren't a very healthy choice, so avoid French restaurants.
86. Don't eat anything you microwave at a convenience store (with the possible exception of a banana).
87. If you are serious about losing weight, let me ask you one serious question: how the hell did you make it this far down this list?
88. Cookbooks are expensive, so think about preparing your dishes at the bookstore.
89. Hire a dude to follow you around and every time you stray from your diet, he just gives you a look and says "Duuuuuuuude..."
90. Ride your bike on a treadmill.
91. Eat vicariously through than guy on "Man Vs Food" show.
92. If you eat eggs, switch to egg substitute. If you eat egg substitute, switch to egg substitute-substitute. If you eat egg substitute-substitute, oh why do I gotta do all the thinkin' around here?
93. Don't drink too much alcohol or you might wind up having a really good time and... Um, I forgot the point I was trying to make.
94. Instead of a big helping of mashed potatoes, how about a smaller helping of mashed nothing?
95. Write down your goals in permanent ink.
96. Jog in place during the playing of the National Anthem at sporting events.
97.  Pledge to send $5 to your worst enemy every time you show a gain on the scale (email me for my address).
98. Instead of apples dipped in caramel, simply eat apples stuffed with caramel.
99. When you go out of town, park in the farthest parking lot instead of just leaving your car in the drop-off loading zone with your flashers blinking.
100. One sure-fire way to lose weight is... whoa... whoa... you almost tricked me into telling you one of my best-kept secrets.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Back on the Wagon

If you stop by this place even halfway regularly (and if you do, I probably should take this opportunity to tell you how awesome you are), you may have noticed that I've lost a number of pawns (and maybe a knight and possibly one of those pointy-headed guys) on my healthy-living chessboard.

And it hasn't always been that I've fallen completely off the wagon, but most days I do seem to be dragging my feet off the side, kicking up a lot of dust and grime and basically grinding my progress to a frustrating halt.

I can see with perfect clarity that I've been on the dreaded gain-it-back track, and if I don't make some course corrections... well, I don't like to think about it.

And that's the rub, isn't it? That we get to a point where we don't really think about what we're doing. We lose focus and start losing our way. A few bad choices that quickly become bad habits.

I'd still rather act a fool in this space than address the real-life, real-world issues that we all face, but it's crystal-clear to me that it's time to get a little serious about this stuff. I'm ready to get on a roll again, and I don't mean a jelly roll, deli roll or belly roll.

So I'm back on the wagon, but strapping in a little more towards the center, away from the whoops-there-I-go-again edges. The view isn't quite as spectacular, but there's less of a chance of going over the side.

Buckle up, my friends, and let's ride!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

More Healthy Travel Tips

• Mini-bar keys are generally very small, so just go ahead and swallow it so you're not tempted.

• It's important to stay hydrated, so plan to drink plenty of hydration.

• Encourage everyone at your departure gate at the airport to participate in a spontaneous Zumba session.

• Get a peddle-power rent-a-car.

• You can turn the desk in your hotel room into a treadmill by finding someone who's interested in trading a treadmill for a hotel desk.

• Be incredibly late for your flight.

• If you're a passenger on a long car trip, stand up through the sunroof. No, there's nothing particularly healthy about it, but it feels like you're running really, really fast.

• Ask concierge how many lobby laps equals 5K.

• Pack healthy snacks like rice cakes, apple slices, baby carrots and... oh who am I kidding? You're not going to do that...

• Some people use out-of-town travel as an excuse to get drunk and act a fool, but I'm telling that doesn't have to be the case. You can get drunk and act a fool at home, too.

• Do a few reps of suitcase curls.

• There's no place better for a relaxing stretching session than the floor of a truck stop restroom.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Time to Turn it Up a Notch

Sometimes you're just chugging along on that healthy living highway, and you come to a startling realization:  you're going nowhere fast.

Let me let you in on a secret:  going nowhere fast really sucks.

When you're waltzing about on this weight-loss watusi in a two-pound-forward-one-pound-back fashion... well, it's a painfully slow way to do things. Even slower is those times when you go one step forward, two (maybe three) steps back.

I don't know how it is for you, but I feel like I'm doing all the right things most of the time and, much like my 401K account, I'm not getting much of a return on my investment.


So maybe it's time for me to reassess my commitment to what I'm doing, double down on my dedication. I'm planning on engaging a new personal trainer to shake up my routine. I just downloaded an app to *gasp* track what I eat. I'm getting ready for a little full-scale warfare.

Don't worry–I'm not going to fill this space up with super serious sermons and rah-rah rigamarole (at least not very often, that is). Nobody's getting an invitation to a pity party. I may just, from time to time, attempt to give myself a kick in the seat of the pants... but you know, that's probably something that wouldn't hurt you to hear either..

It's time to see if I've got another gear.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Doctor Is Out

Dr. Sh*t is out making house calls, but you can read a very nice write-up about him here.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sh*tty Weigh-in

Sh*tty weigh-in, my scale’s a dirty whore
Sh*tty weigh-in, the kind I like to ignore
Sh*tty weigh-in

I don't believe you,
How could it be
A five-pound gain in just one week…



Sh*tty weigh-in,
Why do you torture me?

Sh*tty weigh-in,
Sting me like a bee
Sh*tty weigh-in.

I’d like to drop you in the sea.
Run you over in a Humvee.


Sh*tty weigh-in, stop crapping on me
Sh*tty weigh-in, stop bitchslapping me,

Sh*tty weigh-in, can’t you give a break to me?

 Sh*tty weigh-in, blah blah blah
Sh*tty weigh-in, too much pasta
Sh*tty weigh-in, give a good weigh to me
Cause I need you, don’t show me scorn
Come on now baby, do right this morn.

Sh*tty weigh-in,
Just a fat-ass guy.

Sh*tty weigh-in,
Don’t make me cry
Sh*tty weigh-in,
I'll look away, hey...okay
If that's the way it must be, okay.

I guess I'll start again Monday
I’ll put it all together some day.

Wait…what do I see
A weight loss there for me?

Pardon me while I shout “Yipee!”

Oh, oh, pretty weigh-in!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Workout Primer

A is for Abs
Between your chest and your legs.
We keep working so we’ll have
Six-packs instead of kegs.

B is for Barbell
Whether it’s two pounds or fifty.
They’re great on the go,
When you’re feeling all lifty.

C is for Cardio
To help your whole body improve.
Mix up your workout
With a sweat-getting groove.

D is for Dumbell
(See B up above).
Do a few reps with these,
For arm muscles you’ll love.

E is for Endorphins
Our body’s pain-killers.
But I still prefer the one
Made by whiskey distillers.

F is for Flexibility
Sure, stretching is trendy.
But you’ll see benefits,
When your body’s more bendy.

G is for Guns
They’re your biceps, you know.
Who wants some tickets
To the Gun Show?

H is for Hammies
(Not the sammich, you loon).
Work your hamstrings and
See good results soon.

I is for Intensity
It’s time for true grit.
Because the more you give,
The more you get.

J is for Juice
Steroids and that junk
Makes some muscles bigger,
Makes other things shrunk.

K is for Ketosis
When you want to sound experty.
It’s what you call it when our bodies
Burn fat for energy.

L is for Lats
Those muscles in your back
Under all of that hair
(If you’re like your friend Jack).

M is for Membership
Be a part of a gym.
If you can’t afford the bill,
You can try sneaking in.

N is for Nutrition
Eating better’s a rule,
Cuz your engine runs better
When it gets better fuel.

O is for Overtraining
Yes it’s “no pain, no gain.”
Of course that’s bad advice,
If you suffer a strain.

P is for Personal Trainer
With smiles on their faces,
They’ll hurt you in places,
You didn’t know you had places.

Q is for Quads
Lunges are great for your thighs
If you like crying in public,
Try these on for size.

R is for Reps
It’s best to do oodles.
Enough that your arms feel like
Overcooked noodles.

S is for Spotting
It just takes a sec,
But please don’t drop weights
On the weightlifter’s neck.

T is for Testosterone
It’s what makes men more manly
But we can’t blame our weight
Gains on it (or can we?)

U is for Underwear
Because no matter your stance.
If you try to lift too much,
You may crap your pants.

V is for Vitamins
Like my Flinstones Chewable.
Hey, it’s the only way that I’ve found
To make vitamin-taking doable.

W is for Weights
Keep raising the bar
And if you overdo it,
Hey, I know CPR.

X is for X-ray
And no, I’m not jokin’,
If your arm’s bent back that way,
It just may be broken.

Y is for You
You’re the one benefiting,
From overall better health
And from your slack’s not splitting.

Z is for Zealot
You’ve become a believer.
What will you achieve next,
You achieving achiever?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


With apologies to William Ernest Henley 

Out of this fat that covers me, 

Squishy and soft from head to toe, 

I thank whatever gods may be

That I decided it was time to go. 

In the fell clutch of carbohydrates,
My appetite was my personal Hitler.

I’ve rescued myself from dire straits,
My gut is flabby but gettin’ littler.

Beyond the hard work and sacrifice,
Looms a brand new day and attitude.
My future now that I’ve paid that price,
Finds and shall find me a healthy dude.

The future’s ours, and I tell you that,

That is the moral of my tale. 

I am the master of my fat; 

I am the captain of my scale.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Stress Relief Tips

• Take a deep breath… of Nitrous oxide.

• Unplug for a bit… but first post on your blog, update your Facebook status, tweet what you’re doing, check your voice mail, do whatever you do to LinkedIn, etc.

• Taking a vacation is a great way to relieve stress… that is, until you get back and realize that all your work just piled up on your desk and now you’ve gotta work twice as hard to catch up.

• Drink a big cup of chamomile whiskey.

• Giving up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food can give you a stress-free existence right up until the moment you kill yourself.

• Hypnosis is a fantastic way to reduce tension and for me to make you cluck like a chicken and duck-walk across the room.

• Visualization works, but only if you really believe in it, so visualize yourself visualizing yourself becoming more relaxed and refreshed.

• Keep one of those stress balls on your desk so that when you’re feeling ultra-stressed, you can just squeeze, squeeze, squee… DAMMIT! Busted stress ball and sand all over keyboard!

• Do yoga to Enya music, or–better yet–do Enya to yoga music.

• Stop gritting your teeth and start gritting somebody else’s teeth.

• Find your chi, the vital life force that flows throughout the body. If you can’t find your chi, there’s some cheese that probably has your name on it.

• Take a walk in a hot bubble bath.

• Say a little prayer. Here… I’ll get you started: “Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight.”

• Tiptoe through the tulips, bitch.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Just A Sh*tty Meme

Lord knows, I appreciate just how difficult it is to come up with fresh blog content regularly. So as a courtesy to my fellow bloggers, I've created a Jack Sh*t Really Sh*tty Meme for you to fill out and post on your own blog (or on the comment section here if you'd like). 

Achilles heel:

Battle cry:

Casket size:


Embarrassing nickname:

Fish I’d most like to be if I were somehow, for some reason, forced to be turned into a fish:

Getaway route:

Hillbilly name (click here):

Inanimate object I most resemble:

“Jack”, Favorite blogger named:

Knot I have most trouble untying:

Last lesson learned:

Middle letter of middle name:

Nearest Chinese restaurant:

Oldest person I know:

Pancakes, Favorite topping for:

Quality I wish I had more of:

Rap artist I’d most like to chillax with:

Salad dressing I despise most:

TV show I wish would disappear forever:

Underwear, Favorite kind/color:

Vice that I wish I could do away with:

Website that I check first every day:

Xerox, Funniest thing I’ve copied on:

“Yes,” Dumbest thing to which I’ve answered:

Zombie, Favorite “brain” dish if I ever became a:

Sunday, March 20, 2011

My *Perfect* Bracket

No weigh-in this week due to full-time college basketball watching! Go teams I only mildly dislike! You can beat the teams I hate!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

This Is Your W.I.D.T.H.-Up Call...

Unlike me, my email inbox was a little light this week. Part of the reason was that I ratcheted the spam filter up to "Destroy" and part of it was because YOU didn't get off your duff and send me that W.I.D.T.H. card you've been thinking about sending me or telling me that you're gonna send me or never even considered sending me.

Anyway, now's the time for you to jump aboard. Simply take a note card, scribble down your reasons for wanting to be on this weight loss/health journey and send that sucker to me. Easy-peasy. Then email me the result (along with a blog link if you've got one) to

Friday, March 18, 2011

I *Almost* Got a Huge Sponsorship Deal...

Dear Webmaster,

My name is Sherry, and my company Topspot-Promotions represents online sport sites in various domains. We are looking at reputable sites to offer them profitable opportunities to help promote some of my clients sites.

We would like to know if you are interested in working with us on this. For further details please don't hesitate to contact me.


Sherry W.

Advertising Consultant

Business Development Department

Good morning, Sherry the Advertising Consultant,

Thanks every so much for your inquiry about my weight-loss blog Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. It is definitely one of the most... well, it's often been called... well, it's definitely a web site. It's on the internet and everything!

I would really like to hammer out some kind of super-fantastic sponsorship deal with your company; however, I've signed over all negotiating rights to blog promotions and sponsorships to my agent Sir Antonio Posnanski. If you'd like to talk to him about making something magical happen on a blog promotion and sponsorship front, just contact him. He's in Orlando.

Thanks again for the interest in JSGF. I'm looking forward to whatever comes next!


Jack Sh*t

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Jack and the Blogstalk

Once upon a time there was a not-so-little boy named Jack, who lived with his widowed father Horace in a very small cottage. They were so very, very poor, when somebody rang the doorbell, Jack had to lean out the window and say “DING!”

Jack's father was a farmer, but the farm was doing really poorly because Horace had gotten horribly addicted to Farmville on the computer and was spending every waking minute on it.

Since Jack wasn’t quite competent enough to dig, plow or run the farm, and there was no one else to do it, soon all their money was spent, and there was none left to buy food for Jack and his father, or hay for their good old cow, Anne Bovine. She wasn’t producing milk, but they had kept as long as they could, because she reminded Horace of his late wife Shirley.

Finally, things got so bad that Horace told young Jack that he must take the cow to town and sell her. Jack was very sad, but he was a good  not-so-little boy and wanted to help his father, so he set off.

He had not gone very far, when he met a man, to whom he told his tale. The man spoke very kindly to Jack; and said he would willingly buy the cow, but that, as he had no money with him, he must give some blogging beans instead.

So Jack took off his hat, and the man filled it with beans, saying that they would grow to be a wonderful blog, and would make him his fortune.

Well, Jack took the beans back to his father Horace who called him a “dumbass” and beat him about the head and shoulders with his belt. During the beating, the beans spilled on Horace’s computer keyboard and almost immediately, a fantastic blog started filling up the screen.

“My farm!” shouted Horace in dismay. He became so overwrought that he ran from the cottage screaming and yanking off tufts of hair.

But Jack stayed there and decided to see where the blog would go.

Some days it went to strange places, and some days it went to even stranger places, but never did it leave him bored or uninspired. Best of all, it prompted him to make changes to his diet and sedentary lifestyle, and Jack transformed himself from a giant boy into a regular-sized boy.

And he lived happy – and healthily - ever after.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What Spammers Can Teach Us About Losing Weight

If you’re like me (and for argument’s sake, let’s assume you’re like me in every single way), your email inbox is stuffed to the gills with all kinds of spam (and let’s assume your email inbox has gills).

Folks wanting to lend you money, folks wanting to give you money, folks wanting to sell you something, folks wanting to trick you into providing your personal information so they can help themselves to your money.

It’s pretty insidious stuff, generally, but it occurs to me that we can learn a thing or two from spammers as we make our way along our healthy living path:

Persistence matters. Whether you’re attempting to reclaim your body or trying to scam a little old lady out of her life’s savings, it’s important to never quit trying to reach your goals. You’ll have setbacks – injuries, business trips, anti-spam filters – but it’s vital to keep on keeping on.

Don’t worry about what others think. If there’s one thing you have to admire about spammers, it’s their single-minded focus. They don’t care if a spouse isn’t supportive or if family and friends try to undermine what they’re doing. No, they just keep on spamming, day in and day out. Spam, spam, spam.  Imagine if you put that kind of effort and determination into your weight-loss efforts…

It’s a numbers game.
Since sending email is free, a teeny-tiny percentage of return is acceptable–even profitable. Spammers understand that it’s all about following a proven formula and trusting that it will pay off in the end. Likewise, weight loss can be boiled down to an easy-to-understand “calories in vs. calories burned” equation. And even small losses can add up to winning results!

Sticking with a system works.
The reason that spamming is here to stay is because it works. In 2010, approximately 95 billion spam messages were sent across the globe. Coincidently, approximately 95 billion people around the world started a new diet last year. Like the spam emails, most of them ended in failure, but that doesn’t mean that you just quit trying. You just have to believe… and trust… that what you’re doing is going to pay off in the end.

Make no mistake: I hate spam. I hate the tricky headers and the phishing schemes and the affronts to the size of my manhood, but I will take a lesson about this healthy living business anywhere I can get it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Jack and Dietin’

Little ditty about Jack and dietin’.
He’s been losin’ weight the best he can.

Jackie’s gonna be a weight-loss star.

At least he is, according to Jackie’s blog.

Suckin on chili dogs,
No longer part of the plan.
Dietin’ is Jackie’s way
To become a brand new man.

Jackie say, I just ran more

Than a kilometer.
Would have been more proud,
If I hadn’t been such a vomiter.

And Jackie say…

Oh yeah this diet goes on,

Long after the thrill of losin’ is gone.

Oh yeah dietin’ goes on
Long after the thrill of losin’ is gone, he blogs on.

Jackie sits back reflects his thoughts on his blog.

Scratches his head and writes a bad song parody.
This is a lifetime gig and he’s got a long time to go.
Time for a snack that’s extra carrot-y…
Jackie say a…

Oh yeah this diet goes on,

Long after the thrill of losin’ is gone.

Oh yeah dietin’ goes on,
Long after the thrill of losin’ is gone, he blogs on.

Gonna eat some beets,

Eat some kale.
And hope eatin’ veggies gonna
Show on the scale.
Eat right and work out as long as I can.

Changes comin’ round this time,

Have made me a new man.

Little ditty about Jack and dietin’.

He’s been losin’ weight the best he can.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Ways to Make Money From Blogging

• If you have any relatives who just happen to be celebrities, ask them to make a sex tape you can sell on your site

• Program capture code so that visitors have to enter credit card number in order to leave a comment

• Amazon has a program where if somebody clicks on a link on your site and buys something, you get a quarter-penny

• Begging is a perfectly acceptable way of raising money, unless you have any pride

Every day, take the total of visitors to your blog and play that number on the PowerBall Lotto

Offer guest posts for $10,000; you may not get many takers, but only a few would make it worthwhile

• Accept cash payments for positive product reviews (just remember to include statement that “no payment was made for this review” so it looks more legit)

• Sell your follower list to spammers

Honor double-coupons 

• Sell copies of your “Bloggers Gone Wild” video on your site

Ask visitors if they've got two tens for a five

Take bets on weigh-ins

Install “CoinStar” widget on sidebar so visitors can pour jar of loose change onto your blog and get a receipt they can turn in for paper money

• Ponzi blog

• Repackage these tips as a “Ways to Make Money From Blogging” e-book and sell it on your blog for $19.99

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The 10% Solution

Weekly weigh-in: 221.8
Loss: -0.5
Total loss: -70.1
Emotion: Down to Business

I don’t know how it is for you, but I’m pretty satisfied with how I’m doing on this healthy living trek I’m on… about 90% of the time.

There was a time when that percentage was skewing much higher, but let’s be honest here… there was a time when it was hovering in the teens as well.

These days, I get to the gym more often than not, eat healthy meals more often than not, stay focused on my goals more often than not.

But I’ve noticed that that “not”… that 10% or so of the time when I stray off plan… is like a frayed piece of yarn on a wool sweater. You don’t think too much of it, don’t realize that taking care of it now will keep the whole thing from unraveling in the future.

I realize that staying at 100% over the long haul is probably unreasonable, but when I step back and look at the bigger picture, it’s easy to see that 90% is an agonizingly slow path back to where I started.

Momentum is a tricky thing. When you get on a good roll with this weight-loss business, you often get to the point where nothing can stop you.

When you lose control and really fall off the wagon, it can feel like you’re trying to catch back up to a runaway train.

Ten percent doesn’t seem like all that much in the grand scheme of things… but I’m going to see what I can do about squeezing that number a bit.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Take a Walk on the W.I.D.T.H. Side

This is how this thing works: you take a note card, you pick up a marker and you jot down a reason that this weight loss/health journey is so important to you. Maybe it's serious, maybe it's silly. Maybe it's heart-warming, maybe it's heart-breaking. Maybe it's simple, maybe it's hard to put into words. However you do it, do it. Then email me the result (along with a blog link if you've got one) to

Friday, March 11, 2011

Blogghemian Fatsbody

Is this my real weight?

Am I just fat-assy?
Wearing my pants wide, 

No escape from obesity.
Open my eyes,
Look at myself and see,

I'm just a porky boy,
Need no more nacho cheese.
It’s been easy come, hard to go,
Weight too high, will too 

Any way the scale goes,
Wish it didn’t matter to me... to 

Oh my, I just grilled a ham.
Put a slab there on my plate,
It’s no wonder I’m overweight.
Oh my, life could be so grand
But now I've gone and grown too big again.
Oh my, oooooh, didn't mean to break my diet,

I’ll get back on track come Monday morning,

I'll carry on, carry on as if nothing else matters.

Finally, my time has come,
Got steel up in my spine, belly’s aching all the time.
Goodbye, fat body, you’ve got to go.
Gotta leave my big behind, kill my sweet tooth.
Oh my, ooooh, I don't want to diet,
I sometimes wish I'd never been big at all.

I see a fit silhouetto of a man,

Jackie Sh*t, Jackie Sh*t, will you eat a ripe mango?
Working out and dieting, very, very inspiring.
(Google-leo) Google-leo (Google-leo) Google-leo, Google-leo SEO


I'm just blogger, nobody follows me.
He's just a stupid blogger with a stupid blog.
Changing his life away from his obesity.
Weighing in, every week, will you let me lose
My scale sez: No, I will not let you lose!
(Let him lose!) My scale sez: I will not let you lose!
(Let him lose!) My scale sez: I will not let you lose!
(Let me lose) Will not let you lose!
(Let me lose) Will not let you lose!
(Let me lose) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me lose!
Beer at the pub makes it very, very hard for me, for me, for me...

Now I think I can take bad habits and tell them goodbye.
Now I think I can love life while I’m still on a diet.
Oh, baby, I can do this for me, baby,
Never gonna go back, never gonna go back to obese.

Nothing else matters,
It’s plain to see,

Nothing really matters,
Except taking care of me.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

If You Give a Binge-Eater a Cookie...

If you give a binge-eater a cookie...

Chances are he’ll want a second one.

And if you give him a second one, you might as well give him the entire box.

And if you give him the entire box of cookies, he’ll probably want a glass of milk to go with it.

And all that sweet stuff will probably make him want some cheese and crackers.

And if you give him some cheese and crackers… well, you’re probably going to have to get him some more cheese and crackers.

And since he’s probably f’ed up his weigh-in at this point, he’ll probably go ahead and order a pizza.

And if he orders a pizza, he’s going to want a beer to go with it.

And then another beer.

And another.

And another.


And if he drinks all that beer, he’s probably going to want a little something sweet to settle his tummy.

How about a cookie?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

100 Weight-Loss Tricks

1.    When you’re at a restaurant, ask your waiter for a new fork between each bite.
2.    To reduce your sodium intake, replace the salt in your salt shaker with poison.
3.    Strap two scales to your feet so that you can always tell at a glance how much you weigh.
4.    Order “crustless” pizza.
5.    When preparing mashed potatoes, substitute skim milk for the regular milk and skim potatoes for the regular potatoes.
6.    Making your own kettlebell is really pretty simple; just take an ordinary shotput and weld an iron “C” to it.
7.    At the grocery store, take the wheels off your shopping cart.
8.    To help increase your speed, jog through a really bad part of town.
9.    Instead of a “small” coffee, order a “kiddie”-sized one.
10.    Adopt a funny mouse who runs up and steals your cheese every time you try to eat some.
11.    Ask your waitress to leave the candy off your salad.
12.    Walk down the driveway to get the mail instead of taking the car.
13.    Movie theater popcorn is to healthy snacks as nuclear Armageddon is to __________.
14.    Take the stairs. No wait… force open the elevator doors and shimmy up the cable.
15.    Use chop stix to eat soup.
16.    Vigorous sex can burn up to 350 calories per hour (but please… I can only help three or four people per day…)
17.    Chew your food at least twice before swallowing.
18.    Instead of candy bars, try eating lettuce bars.
19.    When you steal somebody’s drink at Starbuck’s, try to make sure it’s one of the low-fat ones.
20.    Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; Second Breakfast is not.
21.    When you weigh in, try to let your soul slip out of your body momentarily; no one’s sure exactly how much your soul weighs, but it’s gotta weigh something. Am I right or am I right?
22.    The optimum number of chicken wings to eat in one sitting is… wait, let me re-check my math… let’s see, carry the one, divide the numerator into the denominator… and there’s your answer:  zero.
23.    Drink a glass of water in between drinks of water.
24.    Nervous fidgeting can burn quite a few calories, so start doing a really bad job at work so that you’re constantly worried about getting canned.
25.    If you catch on fire, just “drop and roll” instead of “stop, drop and roll”; it burns a few more calories.
26.    At “all-you-can-eat” buffet, try not eating all you can eat.
27.    Broccoli is pretty tasty even without the butter sauce, cheese sauce or caramel sauce.
28.    Remember, never shoplift while you’re hungry.
29.    One slice of cake has a pretty high number of calories, but they never say how big the slice can be. You’ve got ‘em on a technicality, baby!
30.    If you walk to the end of the treadmill, you’ll find a pot of gold.
31.    Some gyms will let you work out for free if you have an invisibility cloak.
32.    Substitute 100 Island dressing for 1000 Island dressing.
33.    Have someone shock you every time you try to eat pie.
34.    A fun way to burn a lot of calories is to see how fast you can clean my house.
35.    If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months!
36.    Shopping at a Farmer’s Market is great for getting healthy, homegrown fruits and veggies, but make sure you don’t spend all your money on a new tractor, no matter how shiny and fun to drive they look.
37.    Treat yourself to a “Cheat Day” once every decade.
38.    If you’re trying to cut back on meat, try tofu.
39.    If you’re trying to cut back on tofu, try Nofu.
40.    When traveling, ask to arm wrestle the hotel concierge.
41.    Eat fresh veggies when you can.
42.    Eat frozen veggies when you can’t get fresh.
43.    Eat canned veggies when you can’t get fresh or frozen.
44.    Eat powdered veggies when you can’t get fresh, frozen or canned.
45.    Eat imaginary veggies when you can’t get fresh, frozen, canned or powdered.
46.    At least eight hours of sleep will help in your weight loss, so stay late at work if you have to but make sure you get that nap in!
47.    Make your own “bottled water” by filling a bottle with water, dumbass.
48.    It sounds too crazy to be true, but the cork that came out of the wine bottle can be used to close up the bottle; it’s not necessary to drink the entire thing.
49.    Instead of just sitting on the sofa and watching hours of television, why not try doing ANYTHING else?
50.    You can build your own elliptical out of parts that you can find in an elliptical box at Sears.
51.    Ramp up your metabolism by willing every molecule in your body to spin faster. Spin faster, dammit!
52.    Pray a little more aerobically.
53.    Shower wind sprints.
54.    Never eat while driving, standing or having a colonoscopy.
55.    Add more fiber into your diet by eating fibery things.
56.    Floss! No, it won’t necessarily help you lose weight, but my daughter Pisa is making me do it every day and I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t have to, too.
57.    An apple a day will set you back about $40 a month.
58.    If you walk a mile every day, by the end of the year you’ll be in an entirely different town.
59.    Instead of sugar in your coffee, how about I just stick my finger in it because I’m so freakin’ sweet?
60.    You should put a mirror in every room of your house to help keep you focused on your weight-loss goals; also, did I mention that I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?
61.    A trampoline’s a good way to build up strong arm muscles (from pushing your wheelchair around after you break your fool neck)
62.    Instead of drinking beer, try “light” beer.
63.    Yes, “organic” food costs more, but at least you know where it’s been (unlike that “whoreganic” food!)
64.    If you’re gonna drink a soda, pop a couple of Mentos in your mouth first, but wait… let me get my camera first!
65.    If you put little white sticks on brussel sprouts, you can convince kids that they’re Tootsie Pops.
66.    Avoid those sneaky calories that come in unexpected places, like when you eat a can of frosting right before bedtime.
67.    Eat less red meat for better health. Also, less gray meat, green meat and plaid meat.
68.    Download one of those apps that makes you eat healthy and exercise all the time.
69.    Give your personal trainer added incentive to work you out extra hard by informing him that you keyed up his car on the way in.
70.    Whenever you order French fries, ask for them not to be “French-fried”.
71.    Nuts are a very healthy snack, but digging them out of miniature Almond Joy bars is not your most cost-effective option.
72.    As nice as she may seem, the Sample Lady at the grocery store is NOT your friend. Shun her!
73.    If you can’t afford fresh vegetables, one thing you can try is getting a job where you make more money.
74.    Chile peppers can actually raise your metabolism, so sprinkle them liberally on your frozen yogurt.
75.    Swim laps in the bathtub.
76.    Every day, put aside a penny to go towards something that will help you reach your healthy living goals; after a year, you’ll have… what? Is that it? Geez… that wasn’t even worth the effort!
77.    Go to the restaurant you like the least and order the dish you hate the most.
78.    Watching a movie helps exercise go by faster, so jog laps around the parking lot at drive-in.
79.    Hourly enemas.
80.    Use only “extra-virgin” olive oil, not “mostly-slutty” peanut oil.
81.    Sure, leaving the cherry off the banana split saves you approximately 10 calories, but it totally ruins the aesthetics of it. You gotta pick and choose your battles, man.
82.    If my grandmother offers you some of her homemade banana pudding, run like hell because she’s been dead for over 20 years.
83.    Always use low-fat laundry detergent.
84.    Remember the old saying, “Beans, beans. Good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less your risk for heart disease.”
85.    I’m not saying spinach has “magical” qualities, but did you ever see Popeye at the gym?
86.    Whenever you’re making homemade fudge, quit licking your fingers every five seconds. That’s so gross!
87.    If you’re tracking calories, don’t forgot those BLN’s (bites, licks and nibbles) or those SAJOPB’s (snarfed a jar of peanut butter).
88.    This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but how come you never see “Fried Lobster” on the menu anywhere?
89.    Instead of “imitation” butter, just use “imaginary” butter.
90.    You can make virtually any dish more low-calorie by eating less of it.
91.    You can incorporate more walking into your daily schedule by owning a poorly maintained, undependable automobile.
92.    An hour of Skee-Ball will provide a great arm workout and a sh*tload of tickets.
93.    You can have the ice cream or you can have the cone, but you can’t have both. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules…
94.    Mowing the grass is a very effective workout, which probably explains why the young Hispanic dude that does mine is so fit and trim.
95.    You can trick your stomach into thinking it’s fuller by swallowing a balloon and then inflating it with a bicycle pump. Okay… I didn’t say it was comfortable or easy!
96.    It’s a good idea not to be the kind of person who goes to a birthday party and says “Oh, I’ll just have a tiny piece of cake. No, smaller than that…” and then eating an entire cheesecake in the car on the way home.
97.    Fasting is a good way to jumpstart your dieting… plus provide you access to hallucinations featuring the flying hamsters of doom.
98.    Before beginning an exercise regimen, consult your physician (you’ll officially be the first person who ever followed that particular piece of advice).
99.    If you ever wake up from a dream where you ate a giant marshmallow and you wake up and your pillow is gone, don’t ASSUME that you ate the pillow. Go to the pantry and check your bag of giant marshmallows.
100.    If you remember only ONE thing from this list, make it this:  oh crap, I’ve put too much pressure on myself now and can’t come up with a really good piece of advice…

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Signs Social Media Is Overtaking Your Life

• You’re the Mayor of Everywhere

• The only book you read is Facebook

• You can tell your entire life story in 140 characters or less

• You have a high tolerance for poking

• You spend a lot of time worrying about being unfollowed and unfriended

• You retweet in your sleep

• You spend more time in a chatroom than in your bedroom

• You fire off 100 tweets before breakfast (including ones about what you’re having for breakfast)

• You get a Google Alert anytime anything happens anywhere

• Your laugh has become an actual LOL

• Your children know that the best way to get in touch with you is to leave a comment on your blog

• You put more thought into your profile pic than you did on what college you attended

• You are :) right now

• You’ve Skyped on the toilet

• You’ve already posted a link to this post

Monday, March 7, 2011

Tomorrow Jack

“I come from the future!” said the voice dramatically.

It was odd… the person standing in front of me in the parking lot looked exactly like me, except he was dressed a little differently.

“Ummm, I’m running late,” I said, shoving past him. People are always stopping me in the parking lot and wanting to chit-chat.

“Stop!” commanded the voice, even more dramatically. “I come bearing a message… (dramatic pause) FROM THE FUTURE.”

“Let me guess,” I frowned. “You’re Year-From-Now Jack and you’ve come back to inspire me to kick my healthy living journey into a higher gear?”

“Not so much,” Future Jack shrugged. “I’m actually from tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I said, scratching my head.

“TOMORROW,” he boomed dramatically.

“Like ‘tomorrow’ figuratively or ‘tomorrow’ literally?” I asked.

“You know, I still get those two mixed up,” answered Future Jack. “Like, I just tweeted that I ran on the treadmill until my heart literally exploded...”

“I hope you’re not here to tell me to live life as if I were going to die tomorrow,” I said sternly. “Because last time somebody told me to do that, I maxed out my credit card at Brookstone.”

“But you needed that spinning tie rack and helicopter-mounted digital camera,” argued Future Jack.

“Why are you here then?” I asked.

“To give you this reminder,” smiled Future Jack. “The tomorrow you’re committed to doesn’t start with me; it starts with you.”

“How’d you get so smart?” I asked.

He gave me a smile and a wink: “I’m older than you.”

Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Not-So-Unexpected Non-Loss

Weekly weigh-in: 222.3
Loss: + 4.8
Total loss: -69.6
Emotion: Loco

They have an old saying in Cancun: “Sir, here’s your chips and guacamole, a Coco Loco in a coconut shell and your icy cold Corona with lime. Can I bring you anything else?”

They say it over and over, those beautiful peoples of Mexico. If I heard it once, I heard it a dozen or more times during the mini-vacation I took in Mexico with my wife Anita at an all-inclusive resort.

I asked an old lady handing out towels by the pool what the words meant.

“Usted es un idiota,” she frowned.

I guess I’ll never know their meaning, but I’ve gotta tell you that I loved the way those words floated across the warm, surf-smelling air and asked the locals to repeat them to me over and over and over.

A few too many times apparently.

Oh, well. We have a saying in these parts as well: “Time to get back to work.”

Saturday, March 5, 2011

W.I.D.T.H. My Compliments

It never fails to brighten my day when another W.I.D.T.H. contribution crosses my email inbox. I never know if it's going to be something funny, something clever, something heartfelt, something sad.

Why are you doing this anyway? Can you boil it down to a note card? Can you work a camera? Can you attach an attachment to an email? Can you type "

Amanda @ Get to Goal


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