Saturday, January 31, 2015

Your Healthiest Super Bowl Party Ever!

• Looking for a low-fat onion dip recipe? Mine couldn’t be simpler: just cut out an onion and put it in a bowl. Voilá! Chunky-style onion dip!

• Replace regular potato chips with healthy kale chips and no one will know the difference unless they happen to eat one.

• Traditional halftime half-marathon.               

• Instead of 7-Layer Dip, try 6-Layer Dip… that’s 14% less layer.

• Don’t participate in more than one hot-dog-eating contest per day.

• Make the party BYOBC (“Bring Your Own Bok Choy”).

• Instead of serving beer, why not try giving all your beer to me?

• Tofu-tball… no, it’s not what you think… it’s a football made out of tofu. What? That’s what you thought it was? Damn, are you some kind of psychic?

• Every time announcer says “They have to establish their running game,” everybody has to eat a stalk of celery.

• Instead of watching the big game, gather everyone around and have a reading of selected posts from my blog.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Taking a Stand (A Diary)

Since a recent scientific study showed that people who sit more than six hours a day are as good as dead, I decide to stand up for an entire day and live-blog my heroic efforts. Stand by (get it?) for further updates!

(8:35 a.m.) I institute a morning recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance for everyone in my office, which gives me good (and patriotic) reason to stand. So far, so good.

(9:05 a.m.) Back at my office, I decide to stand at my desk and have a cup of java. Unfortunately, I spill coffee all over my stomach as my arm is used to absent-mindedly swig my drink at a certain height. Dammit, this will take some getting used to.

(10:25 a.m.) Calves cramping. Ask Kyle the intern to come in and massage baby oil into them. Awkward silence.

(10:45 a.m.) Stand-all-day plans face first hurdle in restroom when I realize that there are certain things that aren’t meant to be done standing.

(10:55 a.m.) Call Kyle into office. Tell him to grab roll of paper towels and a can of Scrubbing Bubbles and see what he can do about mess somebody left in stall two.

(12:15 p.m.) Lucky break! Stains on shirt from trying to eat soup for lunch while standing cover most of earlier coffee stains.

(1:30 p.m.) Budget meeting. I’m only one standing, so everyone assumes I have something to say. I recite speech from Braveheart: “Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one cahnce, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!”

(2:15 p.m.) Stand in front of vending machine for ten minutes trying to remember what Skittles taste like.

(2:42 p.m.) Wouldn’t spring for gizmo to raise my computer keyboard to standing height, so am using word recognition software to dictate my blog post. So far, so guard. Whip, this damp think isn’t warping lamp it’s support two. Gob tonic!

(3:11 p.m.) This is getting very difficult. Put Kyle on standby to catch me if I fall over.

(3:25 p.m.)  Come to sudden realization that I might not have thought this plan all the way out as I try to come up with some way to combine my stand-all-day plans with my afternoon nap.

(4:10 p.m.)  Getting a headache from dogs barking nearby. Oh wait… that’s my feet.

(4:30 p.m.) One more meeting to get through: interview for Kyle’s replacement. I think I’m gonna make it!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Donut Try This at Home!

Scene: A break-room in a corporate office. It´s early, and employees are just starting to trickle in to begin their busy workday. Suddenly, a shrill, high-pitched shriek cuts through the early morning hustle and bustle. 
Janice from Accounting: What´s the matter? I heard a little girl scream.
Jack:  Ummmm… that was me.
Janice from Accounting: You?
Jack: Somebody brought a big box of donuts.
Janice from Accounting: So?
Jack: There´re still warm. See? Feel ‘em.
Janice from Accounting: How many have you touched?
Jack: Ummm… how many did you see me touch?
Janice from Accounting: What´s the big deal with donuts?
Jack: Think about it: they´re nothing more than refined sugar and flour, artificial flavors and partially hydrogenated oil that’s loaded with trans fats. They have no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Janice from Accounting: They make me happy!
Jack: They´re evil… and this appears to be a job… FOR THE AMAZING DIETER-MAN!
Janice from Accounting: You can´t change clothes in the break-room, Jack!
Jack: No time to argue right now! I need to… crap! I thought I was wearing my Amazing Dieter-Man pants underneath my slacks…
Janice from Accounting: What are you supposed to be anyway?
Jack:  I´ll tell you, Janice from Accounting!
(singing) Dieter-Man, Dieter-Man

Eats whatever´s on his dieter plan
Prepares a meal, real low-cal.

He is really losing it, pal.

Cook Out!

Here comes the Dieter-Man.
Is he committed?

It´s no jive.

He’s got radioactive drive.

Can he jog on the road?

He´s in super-exercise mode.

Hey, there

There goes the Dieter-Man.
During the course of the day,

He shows grit and determination.

He avoids the buffet.

He can fight off any temptation.
Dieter-Man, Dieter-Man

Hungry neighborhood Dieter-Man.

Cake and pie,
He’s ignored.

Losses are his great reward.
He leaves food on his plate, boss.

Whenever there´s a weight loss,

You’ll find the Dieter-Man.
Stupid Skinny Intern: Why´s that guy standing on the table? What´s wrong with him?
Janice from Accounting: I don´t know where to start…

Stupid Skinny Intern: Donuts? Cool!

Saturday, January 24, 2015

I Won't Grow Fat!

Are you ready for today's lesson?

Yes, Peter!

Listen to your teacher.
Repeat after me:

I won't grow fat,
(I won't grow fat)
I don't want to be a pig.
(I don't want to be a pig)
Just to eat all day long,
(Just to eat all day long)
And have my pants be really big.
(And have my pants be really big)
If growing fat means
It would be impossible
To see my wee,
I'll never grow fat, never grow fat, never grow fat
Not me!
Not I,
Not me!
Not me!

I won't grow fat,
(I won't grow fat)
Don’t wanna wear XXXL.
(don’t wanna wear XXXL)
And see in a photograph
(And see in a photograph)
That I really look like Hell.
(That I really look like Hell)
And if that means I must admit
That it’s time for me to get more fit,

I'll never grow fat, never grow fat, never grow fat
Not me,
Not I,
Not me!
So there!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Big Fat Jack

Ev’ry day was the same, he’d eat himself a ton.
He stood six foot four and weighed two ninety-one.

Kinda broad in the belly, always eating to excess.

And everybody knew he was a big fat mess…Big Jack.

Big Jack, Big Jack… Big Fat Jack.

Nobody seemed to know why Jack was so obese.
They just stood back and watched his waistline increase.

He’d eat anything if you’d care to fry it.

If you had any sense, you never said “diet” to Big Jack. 

I met him at the Fair up near Portland, Maine.
A smile on a face smudged with blueberry stain.
Walking around with a blue ribbon on his chest;
He didn’t even know it was a pie-eating contest – Big Jack
Big Jack, Big Jack… Big Fat Jack.

Then came that day a couple years back,
He finally decided to get his life on track.
Realized that fat just wasn’t really his fate.
Decided he was “over” being “overweight”.

So he started to blog and got his sh*t straight.
Started exercising and watching what he ate.
He vowed to keep tryin’ and always do his best,

And every week there seemed to be a little less of Big Jack.

Big Jack, Big Jack… Big Fat Jack

He began eating things like parsnips and kale,
And soon didn’t dread stepping onto the scale.
It seemed as though he finally solved the riddle
Of ridding the muddle attached round his middle… Big Jack.
Big Jack, Big Jack... Big Bad Jack.

He finally reached his goal, but a goal’s not the end,
Cuz this journey doesn’t a finish line, my friend.
Some weeks he yells out “Damn, I gained another pound!”
So he keeps keeping on, so you wanna stick around… for Big Jack.

That’s why he keeps blogging, why he’s still here,
Instead of eating Cheetos and swilling lotsa beer.
He’s working really hard, he’s set his body free.
And never again does he ever wanna be… Big Jack.
Big Jack, Big Jack... Big Fat Jack.

If you think that he’s ever gonna call in and quit,
Well, I tell ya, my friend, you don’t know Jack Sh*t.
So let him be your health and weight-loss guide.
I can promise you it’s gonna be a helluva ride.
Fit Jack.Fit Jack, Fit Jack... Fit Jack Sh*t.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Just A Few More Weight-Loss Songs for the Wee Little Children

Bleak Big Blobs of Bulgy Bulky Belly Fat

Bleak big blobs of bulgy bulky belly fat
Weighty lazy whalelike waist, chubby chins below my face.
Bleak big blobs of bulgy bulky belly fat
Time to put down my spooooon.

*great big disappointed sigh*

Weigh-oh, Wei-ei-ei-ohhhh
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.
Weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh…
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.

Work all night on a Coke and rum.
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.
Eat all I wanna til the mornin’ come.
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.

It’s eight o’clock, nine o’clock, ten ‘clock BRUNCH!
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.
Ten-thirty, eleven-ten, eleven-twenty LUNCH!
Weigh-in come and me don’t go down.

Weigh-oh, Wei-ei-ei-ohhhh
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.
Weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh, me say weigh…
Weigh-in come and me wan’ go down.

Come, Mister Jacky Man, don’t eat all you wanna.
Weigh-in come and you wan’ go down.
A sensible lunch and an afternoon banana.
Weigh-in come and you wan’ go down.

Weigh-in come and you wanta go down.

The Pants Go Inching Down

The pants go inching down one size, hurrah, hurrah
The pants go inching down one size, hurrah, hurrah!
The pants go inching down one size,
I’m glad I gave up those French fries.

I love how it feels when

The pants go inching down.


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