Thursday, February 27, 2014

Mo Mojo!

Dude, you’re pretty soft; haven’t you been working out?
Uh no, I’ve really been slacking.
Oh no, you need a boost; I mean, mo’ mojo.
Ohhh… mo’ mojo.

When you want to spur a workout partner (mo’ mojo)
And make ‘em work out just a lil’ harder (mo’ mojo)
To tell a dude how to raise his game (mo’ mojo)
Say ‘mo’ mojo’ so you can fan the flame (mo’ mojo)

Hey, yo man, you got to pump some iron (mo’ mojo)
It’s time to really get them pistons firin’ (mo’ mojo)
Do push-ups til’ your arms are weary (mo’ mojo)
Go joggin’ while you argue with Siri (mo’ mojo)

It’s hard to exercise but you should (mo’ mojo)
It’ll leave you feelin’ hella good (mo’ mojo)
So pack a gym bag so you always ready (mo’ mojo)
You know you love to get hot and sweaty (mo’ mojo)

I admit it I’m a lazy cuss (mo’ mojo)
But I’m gonna do this for an hour plus (mo’ mojo)
And yo, I’m smellin’ just a little foul (mo’ mojo)
Damn, but I forgot to bring a shower towel (mo’ mojo)
I know you hate it when I really stink (mo’ mojo)
Maybe I’ll wash my pits off in the sink (mo’ mojo)

Yeah, man I’m really feeling pumped right now (mo’ mojo)
Are you really feeling pumped right now? (mo’ mojo)
Yo, we should do Jillian’s workout tape (mo’ mojo)
So we can get ourselves in better shape (mo’ mojo)

Man, we should put some focus on our quads (mo’ mojo)
Yo, it’s time to really love our bods (mo’ mojo)
Hey yo I’ve been thinking ‘bout a Zumba class (mo’ mojo)
Hey yo I’ve been thinking about losing some ass (mo’ mojo)

Or we could exercise while we dine (mo’ mojo)
Or do jumpin’ jacks in a line (mo’ mojo)
Or we could go and run a marathon (mo’ mojo)
And when we finish run another one! (mo’ mojo)

Hey yo mo’ mojo but I wanna dress up in spandex
And strut through the gym while I pose down and flex
Yeah mo’ mojo but I wish we lived in Ancient Greece
Enter the Olympics and earn five golds apiece.
Hey mo’ mojo but today I’m gonna get real jiggy
And I love it that I’m not such a too-big biggie.
Those two words have set me free (mo’ mojo)
Damn, it feels good to be (mo’ mojo)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I Think I Can

There was once a not-so-tiny train that thought he weighed too much.

“11,000 tons?” he remarked in disgust at his previous weigh-in. “I’ve got to get back on track.”

So the next day, he chugged 1,000 miles without stopping.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

But later that week, the scale still said 11,000 tons.

“I don’t get it,” whined the train. “I’ve been working my caboose off with no results.”

The next week, he chugged 2,500 miles, including up a very steep mountain.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

Weigh-in: 11,000 tons.

“Is there nothing I can do to engineer a loss?” he asked desolately.

“Hello,” said a stranger who was wandering along the train tracks. “My name is Boxcar Jacky and I think I can help.”

“You think you can?” asked the train.

“I think I can,” repeated Boxcar Jacky. “Exercise alone isn’t always enough to lighten your load. Consider consuming fewer calories as well.” 

“I’m a train, dumbass,” exclaimed the train.

“Oh yeah,” remarked Boxcar Jacky. “Well, how’s about we uncouple a few of your cars.”

They did, and the train came in at a svelte 10,500 tons at his next weigh-in.

“Lose weight?” smiled the train. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

“Great,” smiled Boxcar Jacky. “Now can I catch a ride down the line?”

“Are you kidding me?” laughed the train, taking off down the track. “I just lost 500 tons; you think I want to gain it right back?”

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

More, More, More Weight-Loss Nursery Rhymes

Jack be Nimble
Jack, be nimble,
Jack run quick.
Jack, run lots
To be less thick. 
Jack jump high
Jack jump higher.
A loss on the scale-
Dude’s on fire!

Please Veggies Hot
Please veggies hot, 
Please veggies cold,
Please veggies on my plate,
Glory to behold.
Some like ‘em hot, 
Some like ‘em cold.
I’ll eat ‘em all unless 
They’re nine days old.

Healthyblog, Healthyblog,
Keep on keeping on,
Metabolism’s on fire
And your excuses are gone.

Not-So-Simple Simon
Simple Simon met a pieman,
When he was at the mall.
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
“I’ll take an extra small.”
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
“You can supersize it for a 25¢ charge.”
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
“How do you think I got so large?”

Monday, February 24, 2014

This May Be Hard For You to Understand...

Bloggity blog blog blog.

Blippity blippity blah blah.

Blippity bloppity blip blip blop.

Blop blop blippity blop.

Blip blip blip.

Blop blop blop.

Bligitty blogetty bloo.

I may have committed to blogging most every day, but if you’ll read the fine print, I NEVER PROMISED TO MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!

Updating this site helps keep me focused on eating a little better, eating a little less and moving my old bod a little.

I get something out of blogging here.

Sorry if you don’t.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I Am a Crazy Weight-Losing Maniac!

Ever since 2014 rolled around, I have been in a good healthy groove, eating less than I want and exercising more than I want. 

Some weeks the scale pays me off with a nice loss; some weeks the number is less than impressive. However, I keep on keeping on, because I know that’s the recipe for success.

I hope you’re experiencing some positive developments with your healthy living goals, too. 

All this hard work and sacrifice is a lot more palatable when you’re seeing (and feeling) good results.

On to the weigh-in… and onward toward another good week!


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last week’s weight: 257.6
Current weight: 256.8
Loss: .8 lbs.
Total loss since start of new year: 13.2 lbs.
Goal for coming week: Don’t. Just don’t. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

You Can't Spell "If" Without "I"

(with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

If you can keep from snacking when all around you

Are donuts and pizza and big bags of chips.

If you can work out though the machines confound you,

And you keep banging kettlebells across your hips.

If you can take a little control of your eating,

And don’t let your mojo get down to empty.

If you can keep running though you’re blistered and bleeding,

And if you can make your food choices more healthy.

If you can plan – and not make meals that’re crappy.

If you can drink – and I’m not talking about soda.

If you can keep yourself positive and happy,

And not watch TV ‘til you lapse in a coma.

 If you can blog to keep your journey more relevant.

Making you accountable, liable, focused.

Maybe you feel like you’re big as an elephant,

But you’re making good progress, in case you’ve not noticed.

If you can get out and work your poor body,

And focus on getting stronger and firmin’.

If you can stick with it and not think it folly,

You’ll soon look at a mirror without squirmin’.

If you can believe that you really are worth it,

And keep moving forward with confidence growing.

The will that you’ve searched for, you’ll finally unearth it.

You’ll hear the Voice that tells you “Keep going!”

If you can take this life one day as it comes,

And truly give it your very best shot.

If you can finish each day, and hold up both thumbs.

If you really will give it all that you’ve got.

If you can fill your day with purpose,

And keep on pushing ‘til the end
The scale will soon give back that surplus,

And you’ll one day be at goal, my friend! 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Signs Your Personal Trainer Isn’t Top-Notch

• Makes you sign a 300-page waiver before getting started.

• Sits cross-legged on your back while you’re doing push-ups.

• Begins each session by making you swear you’re not a police officer.

• Wants you to exercise fingers by doing five Fire-Alarm Pulls.

• Has an imaginary assistant named “Chester.”

• Spends entire session making you gut and clean mess of trout he caught that morning.

• Dresses like a Confederate Civil War re-enactor.

• Shows you exercise to work your “triceratops” muscle.

• Schedules sessions at a McDonald’s play area.

• Constantly reads you blog posts by his buddy, Jack.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I’m Sick And Tired of Feeling Ill and Exhausted

Finally (and slowly) coming out of my flu funk, but haven’t had much of an appetite for working out. Thankfully, I haven’t had much of an appetite for anything else, either. 

Anyway, a positive weigh-in is always good medicine, so here goes…


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last week’s weight: 259.5
Current weight: 257.6
Loss: 1.9 lbs.
Total loss since start of new year:  12.4 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Meet all my goals!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Ultimate Healthy Valentine Gift Guide

• Romantic half-marathon on the beach

• “Let’s Play Doctor” game (with blood pressure monitor)

• An aphrodisiac that also contains acidophilus

• A no-piece swimsuit

• Heart-shaped box of mixed prunes

• 5K trail of rose petals

• Threesome with you, significant other and personal trainer

• Copy of Kama Sit-Upra

• Rice cakes with romantic messages written on them

• Sugar-free Jell-O shots

• PS90XXX workout video

• Crotchless yoga pants

• Really raw pumpkin seeds

• Cute stuffed teddy bear that, when you pull string in the back, shrieks at you with Jillian’s voice to do push-ups

• Diet love potion

• A little Afternoon Delight (and yes, by “Afternoon Delight” I do mean “a nap”)

Thursday, February 13, 2014

My Becret Slog

Did you know that if you scramble the letters of the title of today's post, it would read "My Secret Blog"?

You did? Pat yourself on the back, codebreaker!

Now go click this link and check it out for yourself.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Flu Fixer-Uppers

• Do not get a flu shot; get a flu prevention shot instead.

• Wash your hands, or at the very least, lick them clean.

• Kids can spread germs by passing around toys, so teach your child to never, ever share.

• It’s hard to tell if infants have the flu because they can’t describe exactly what symptoms they’re feeling, so concentrate on teaching your baby to talk.

• You can prevent dehydration by hydrating, dumbass.

• Throw away used tissues instead of shoving them back in the tissue box.

• When you call in sick to work, emphasize that you’re “really” sick this time.

• Introduce a good probiotic with a minimum 14 billion live organisms (make sure that you count them out yourself; 13.9 billion live organisms is just a waste of everybody’s time).

• Since influenza infects your respiratory, or breathing, system, you shouldn’t blame the flu if you get nausea, vomiting or diarrhea. You can blame that on my cooking.

• When you begin exhibiting flu-like symptoms, start taking medicine-like medicine.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

One Flu Over the Flu-Flu's Nest

Wanna hear the craziest thing about my flu experience this week?

Right after the New Year holiday break, I called my doctor's office to schedule a long-overdue physical. I did it because (a) I'm a responsible adult who takes my health and well-being seriously and (b) my mother freaked out when she had my dad Horace check my blood pressure at a holiday gathering and the reading was a bazillion over a bajillion (probably because mom was standing over me shouting "I BET YOU HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE LIKE YOUR FATHER!!!!!"

So anyway, the day before my physical, I start feeling like crap on a stick. My wife Anita made me call the doctor's office to see if they still wanted me to come in since I was feverish. They said, come on in; we see sick people, too.

They did all the terrible physical things and I made all my same terrible jokes ("Geez, you could offer to buy a guy dinner before doing THAT!") and then they said they wanted to test me for flu.

I saw this test performed on my daughter Pisa during the holidays, so I knew they wanted to poke a long stick up through my nose and into my brain.  Ten minutes later, we knew I had Type A flu.

However, my blood pressure was spot-on perfect.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Greetings and Sal-Flu-tations

I am writing this from my deathbed.

My wife Anita mocked me at the furniture store when I purchased it.

“What do we need with a deathbed?” she asked. 

“But it’s 12 months same as cash,” I argued. “And it comes with a free death-nightstand.”

So anywhere, here I am on my deathbed, suffering from a crippling case of Type-A flu. 

This is going to be a bad week…

Sunday, February 9, 2014

This Weigh-In is No Flu-ke

It would be easy to give the credit for this week’s better-than-average loss to me somehow contracting Type-A Flu (even though I was always a C student… go figure). 

However, I put in my time at the gym and did well with my eating right up to the point when the flu bug showed up and unceremoniously kicked me in the ass. Sure, I probably burned a lot of calories shaking like a hot mess with a burning-up fever, but all that time working out should count, too!

Anyway, here’s the good stuff (and I don’t mean the narcotics-grade cough syrup my physician laid on me):


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last week’s weight: 262
Current weight: 259.5
Loss: 2.5 lbs.
Total loss since start of new year: 10.5 lbs.

Goal for coming week:  Get out of this bed.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Hey, Do You Know Any Fitness Conversation Starters?

"Say, do you know which direction you're supposed to walk on this treadmill?"

• "I'm looking for the spinning class; do you know if it's near that bicycling class over there."


• "That guy over there bench-pressing 900 pounds thinks he's soooo strong."

• "Pardon me... what's good for chaffed thighs?"

• "Listen, I'm really not superstitious, but you're on my lucky elliptical."

• "Y'know what I like to say when I'm on the StairMaster? I AM THE STAIRMASTER!"

• "I think the sauna is haunted."

• "Does this lat pull look latty enough?"

• "I've never understood why fitness centers never have a giant hamster wheel."

• "Do you read that blog Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit? Me either!"

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Six Million Calorie Man

Jack Aush*t: “We have scale-paration.”

Weight management technician: “Roger.”

Jack Aush*t: “Ummmm… I told you my name is ‘Jack,’ and I’m stepping on the scale in three… two… one”

Weight Control: “Looks good… and uh oh…”

 Jack Aush*t: “I've got a blow-out - damper three hundred and… oh no you didn’t?!”

Weight Control: “Set your mouth to zero.”

Jack Aush*t: “Lunch is out! I can’t hold appetite!”
Weight Control: “He’s got a fork in both hands — Emergency!”

Jack Aush*t: “Weight Control! I can’t hold it! I’m eating up, I’m eat—”


Jack Aush*t, ass-tronaut.

A man barely alive… well, psychically speaking…

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.

We have the Google. 

We have the capability to make the world’s first blog-nonic man.

Jack Aush*t will be that man.

Better than he was before.




He will no longer be…


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A Brand New Scale from the Jack Sh*t Labs…

It’s still in the R&D phase, but I’m pretty proud of the features on the new scale I’m designing…

• Has two settings: “Real” and “In Case Anyone Else Is Looking…”

• Foot warmers…. aaahhhh, this feels really nice and… OUCH, OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!!

• Buzzing noise that drowns out that maniacal laugh you hear inside your head every time you step on a scale.

• Shoots out fireworks if you register a loss.

• Wifi that automatically sends your weigh-in information to your computer’s trash can.

• Ejector button remote that you can use to hurl a robber into the ceiling if he breaks into your house while you’re there and decides to weigh himself.

• Automatic excuse generator: (“Read that muscle weighs more than fat so I must have somehow grown a bunch of new muscles”, “Blinded by fridge light, I accidentally ate a cheesecake,” “Nobody told me they would be serving wedding cake at that wedding,” etc.)

• Programmed with just a teensy, weensy bit of forgiveness and compassion.

• Built-in cupholders.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Everything I Know About Losing Weight…


Well, there’s…

I’m pretty sure….


Okay, you got me. I’m pretty sure that – if you just type a random string of characters and then add a “.com”, you’re likely to land on a site dispensing better weight loss advice than I offer here. 

It’s often been said that an infinite amount of monkeys typing for an infinite amount of years would produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Those same experts have done the math and figure that six monkeys typing for twenty minutes could reproduce my blog.

Truth to tell, I’ve offered some really terrible advice over the years. Remember when I said to carry around a bag of Milky Way bars in your gym bag in case your blood sugar goes too low or you really feel like a Milky Way bar? Well, it turns out that wasn’t a good idea at all (yes, I’ll wait right here while you go take that bag of Milky Way bars out of your gym bag). 

Actually, a lot of the so-called “reputable” advice often turns out to be spotty. I’m still not sure whether I’m supposed to be taking fish oil capsules or not. Some reports say that it provides healthful benefits; others say it causes you to grow gills or contract cancer or something. Who knows who’s right and who’s wrong?

But I can tell you one thing…

This site helps me.

It keeps this weight-loss journey on my mind. 

It holds me accountable for the choices I make all week, even if I’m blogging something silly.

It keeps me in the game.

That’s why I’m here.

I have no earthly idea why you’re here.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

One Pound Down for the Round-Mound Clown

Ouch, I think I pulled my rhyming muscle with that headline…

On to the weigh-in…


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last week’s weight: 263.2
Current weight: 262
Los: 1.2 lbs.
Total loss since start of new year: 8 lbs

Goal for coming week: Take things two steps at a time (check me, but wouldn’t that be twice as fast as one step at a time? I'll try it and let you know.)


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