Thursday, May 28, 2015

Happy Birthday Dear Jack, You Smell Like a Yak

My birthday plans...

• Go to the office but refuse to do any work (okay, okay, that’s pretty much my normal routine).

 Update my will to include provision leaving my blog to Science.

 Treat myself to a pedicure (remember to bring earplugs to muffle the nice Korean lady’s screams of horror).

 Make a “Bucket List”, then cross off item #1: (“Make a Bucket List”)

 To complete my dream of leaving behind something big and meaningful to generations to come, I decide on this enormous pile of dirty laundry.

 Vow to act my age (minus 40 or so years).

 Decide not to waste time worrying and moaning about stuff I have no control over; it’ll give me more time to worry and moan about stuff I do have control over.

 As a special treat, put real cream in my coffee, as well as a Snickers bar and a pint of whiskey.

 Take time to apologize to all those dumbasses I’ve offended with my hurtful words.

 Rededicate myself to rededicating myself to rededification.

 Check with my accountant Harvey Ponzi and make sure my 401(K) funds are still earning 250% per year.

 Accept that every day on earth is the true gift (but was an “Ask Me About My Blog” t-shirt too much to ask for? Really?)

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Which Way Do You Jump?

Story 1 - Once there were these two frogs in fell into a bucket of milk. One struggled for a bit, but quickly realized that fighting would do no good and gave up. He sank to the bottom of the bucket and drowned. However, the second frog decided that he was going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning turned the cream into butter and he was able to hop out of the bucket.

Moral: Never stop fighting.

Story 2 - Once there were these two frogs who fell into a patch of quicksand. The first one decided that he wasn’t going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning sent him straight to the bottom of the pit where he promptly drowned. The second frog quickly realized that fighting would do no good, so he calmly stretched out and made no movement. His lack of motion allowed him to float on the surface of the quicksand, and eventually, he eased himself to the edge of the pit.

Moral: Stop fighting... no... that's terrible. Ummm, how about "Never play near quicksand"?

Friday, May 22, 2015

Jingle Jangle

I Want My Body Back
I want my body back, body back, body back
I want my body back, body back, body back
Don’t go to Chili’s!
Body back … Reelz!

The Fatta Song
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?

Check-in on the Sea
Ask any mermaid 

You happen to see, 

What's a good exercise?

Swimming, you see!

I Can Bring Home the Bacon
I can bring home the bacon,

Fry it up in a pan.
Whoops, I forgot that’s not on the plan.

Because I'm a veeeeegan, 

V-E-G-A-N. Eatsomebeets.

The Post-Workout Mix
Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Hey, Big Sweater
The minute you walk in the gym
Perspiration starts to fly right off you. 
The janitor wants to mop you.

Hey, big sweater,

Get your sweat on me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

If You’re Reading This, I’m Already Dead

I know, I know... you’re amazed.

You’re wondering, “Jack, how the hell are you blogging from beyond the grave?”

First, I think it’s in incredibly poor taste for you to bring up the “H” word considering my circumstances, and secondly, I had the foresight to pre-load a blog post so that my final day wouldn’t be my final say.

I wanted to finally express a few things that I didn’t have the courage to say while I was still breathing, and since this is the last post I’ll ever post, you’d damn well better sit tight and listen.

Number one - I sincerely appreciate all the support you folks have shown this site. I may not have always vocalized my appreciation loudly or often enough, but you meant the world to me. You were * sniff * the wings beneath my wind. What? Don’t correct me! I’m dead, dammit!

Number two – I hate to admit this, but I probably would have lived longer had I take better care of myself. I should have made every effort to make certain that I ate right, exercised more and quit my stupid stressful job. If you take anything from my death, I hope it’s that you should eat better, exercise more and quit your stupid, stressful job.

Number three - don’t take for granted that you have even one more day left on this earth. Pursue your dreams. Tell those you care for how much you love them. Spring for HBO. Nobody ever laid on their deathbed muttering “I wonder what happened on Game of Thrones.”

I guess that’s it. Take care of yourself, and I hope you remember my blog with fondness. If you’re ever in my hometown, I hope you’ll stop by my gravesite (if it’s not too crowded) and leave a bunch of daffodils (my favorite) or a small bag of jewels. I love you all!

Note to self: be sure and change schedule date for this post so that you don’t accidentally run it before you actually expire. That would make you look like a real dumbass!

Monday, May 18, 2015

Too-Tight Jeans

I think I'm chubby
Without any sweatshirt on.
I think I'm flabby
Like a Jabba-the-Hut-like spawn.
I know you get me
So just watch my weight come down, dooowwwn.

Before you met me,
I was alright but thighs
Were kinda heavy
It threatened my life
Then things got very scary
I weigh more than Frankenstein, Frankenstein

Let's go all the way to goal.
No regains, just loss.
Wear fat pants, until we diet.
You and I, will be fit forever.

You make me feel
Like I'm slippin' on
Too-tight jeans
The way you turn me 'round
Take a leap.
Let's run away and
Don't ever look fat,

Don't ever look fat.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Health Advice

Health advice, health advice.
Every morning you greet me.
Short and wise, help advise.
You’re so helpful to help me.

Awesome though,
Make me move and go,
Move and go forever.

Health advice, health advice.

Help me be healthy forever.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

What is Healthiness?

Healthiness Is...

...eating French fries that haven't been French-fried.

...lifting a child without back going a ka-poing

...a worn-out pair of running shoes

...having a "cheat day" and not cheating

...parking in the anti-handicapped space (parking spot located furthest from where you're going)

...eating a salad without thinking you're being punished for something

...not gaining 10 pounds when you go on vacation

...using one of those check-your-blood-pressure machines at the store and not having it start smoking and emitting a wailing siren

...feeling like your get-up-and-go hasn't got-up-and-went

...being able to push your body and not have your body push back your life, loving your life

Monday, May 11, 2015

Ruh Roh

Jackie Doody Doo,
Look at you.
You’ve got some work to do now.
Jackie Doody Doo,
You look like poo.
You need to help yourself now.

Come on,
Jackie Doo.
I see you
Pretending you've got some mojo.
But you're not foolin’ me,
’cause I can see
Weight up/down like a yo-yo.

You know it’s not a mystery to solve so Jackie Doo
Just exercise and get on track.
Don't hold back!
And Jackie Doo when you get through 
You're gonna have yourself a
Healthy snack!
That's a fact!

Jackie Doody Doo, I see you
You're ready and you're willing.
We’re all pullin’ for you, Jackie Doo.
Get on with healthy-life livin’.


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