Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Just Ask Jack

Dear Jack,
Is there a magic pill that can make me loose weight?

No, but there is a magic book that can teach you how to spell words correctly and it's called a "dictionary."

Dear Jack,
I know I should drink more water, but I really don't like water. What can I do?

You can try either infusing your water with fruits, vegetables or herbs or consider putting a couple of lit sparklers in your mouth.

Dear Jack,
I know I should exercise, but I've got seven loads of laundry to do. I'm at my wit's end.

Do you have access to a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches?

Dear Jack,
I have a blog and often have difficulty coming up with fresh things to write about. Any suggestions?

Have you considered starting a feature where you pretend readers are sending you questions and then answer them in a charmless and condescending manner?

Got a question for Jack?
You can email me at my email address.
Oh yeah… here it is right here.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Just a Few More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of Whole Foods

• Holding grocery cart with two hands above your head as you proclaim to be “Whole-iath the Giant.”

• Demanding that check-out person let you use conveyor belt for your treadmill workout.

• Singing a medley of Justin Bieber songs over the intercom.

• Dressing like a giant avocado and request that customers squeeze you.

• Trying to jam a cantaloupe through the coffee grinder.

• Leaving a trail of trail mix through the store.

• Parking your car in the produce section.

• Spending 10 minutes licking the glass at the dessert display.

• Pretending that you know Japanese and get in heated argument with sushi chef.

• Soaking your bare feet in the soup bin.

• Cracking that “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck!” joke.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Healthy Living TV Shows from the 70's

• Flabby Days
 Mary Tyler Less
 The Bob Newhealth Show
 Pork & Mindy
 The Smart-Fridge Family
 Eating KRAP in Cincinnati
 Three-O-Eight is Enough
 The Six Million Calorie Man
 The Eats of San Francisco
 The Facts of Lite
 The Love Bloat
 Not-So-Little House on the Prairie
 The Odd Bod Couple
 Welcome Back, Squatter
 Chico and the Plan
 Knots-Snacking Landing
 Laverne & Surely You Can Eat Healthier Than That!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Yes! More Weight-Loss Nursery Rhymes!

Buff and Fit Gal

As I was jogging down the street,
Down the street, down the street,
A pretty little gal ran right past me,
Oh, she was fast, you see.
Buff and fit gal, won't you slow down tonight?
Slow down tonight, slow down tonight?
Buff and fit gal, won't you slow down tonight?
I can’t run as fast as you.

Old Mother Chubbard

Old Mother Chubbard
Too much in her cupboard.
And ate ‘til she let out a groan.
Then she said “I declare,
I’ll eat more healthy fare.”
Now she’s in a new fitness zone.

Block a Bite Baby

Block a bite baby,
Not so much slop.
If you eat better,
The weight gains will stop.
When the gains stop,
Happier you’ll be,
And down will come baby,
Healthy and free.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Healthy 4/20 Munchies

• Canna-Banana-Bis

• Whole-Weed Bread

• Fruity Doobie

• Acaplumco Gold

• Low-Cal Loco

• Maui Walnut Wowie

• Panama Red Radish

 Bambalacha Baklava

• Colorado Collards

• Pot Choy

• Berry Jane

• Quiche Hashish

• Lean Ground Reefer

• Poached Roach

• Half a Cup of Herbs

• Ganja Guava Spritzer

Friday, April 17, 2015

Sexiest Healthy Snacks

• Carrots with Raunch Dressing
• Casaba Melons
• Protein Shake
• Carnal Corn
• Nut Butter
• G-string Cheese
• Really Raw Veggies
• Bread and Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• Sticky Rice
• Prickly Pear
• Tossed Salad
• Kumquats
• 50 Shades of Grape
• Ass-paragus
• “Afternoon Delight” (handful of raw almonds, cup of green tea)
• Steamy Broccoli

• Jack Sh*take Mushrooms

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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Butch and the Slimdown Kid

Kid: Dammit! I’m hungry!

Jack: Well, the way I figure it, we can either diet or give. If we give, we go back to being obese. 

Kid: I’ve been there already.

Jack: But if we diet, we may get starved out. Or we’ll get too weak to work out. Might even get malnourished and get sick. What else can happen?

Kid: We could eat what we want and lose weight, but I wouldn’t count on that.

Jack: Kid, the next time I say let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers, let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers.

Kid: Next time. (pause) Ready for lunch?

Jack: No, we’ll exercise…

Kid: Like hell we will.

Jack: No, it’ll be okay. If we don’t try to bench press too much and get squished to death. It’ll build muscle and help burn fat faster.

Kid: How do you know?

Jack: Would you work out if you didn’t have to?

Kid: I have to and I’m not gonna.

Jack: Well, we got to, otherwise we’re not ever gonna lose these extra pounds. Come on…

Kid: Just one donut, that’s all I want.

Jack: Come on.

Kid: Uh uh

Jack: We got to!

Kid: Nope! Get away from me!

Jack: Why?

Kid: I don’t wanna go!

Jack: You wanna diet?

Kid: Do you?

Jack: Alright. I’ll work out first.

Kid: Nope.

Jack: Then you work out first.

Kid: No, I said.

Jack: What’s the matter with you?


Jack: Bwhahahahahahahaha. Why, you crazy! The gym doesn’t even have a pool, dumbass!


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