Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Whosever body this is should be ashamed!
Big rolls are hanging off the side.
His double chin’s triple, he moves like a cripple.
And his rear end’s becoming more squishy and wide.
His fat thighs are wedged in his work pants,
His belly hangs down to his knees.
From his ears to his colon his whole body’s swollen
He doesn’t eat anything not covered with cheese.
His shirts are all ill-fitting and snug.
Flabby arms, yep–he’s sure got ‘em.
There’s fat on his neck, his body’s a wreck,
He’s obese from his top to his bottom.
Whosever body this is should be ashamed!
Just gaze there in the mirror--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Let's Make a Deal
Except, you see, I think it is…
Here’s the thing: me… you… we can’t do it overnight. Even the most sound plan executed in the most perfect manner with the utmost level of commitment still requires one thing above all else: time.
Day after day of sticking to your guns.
Week after week of sweat and sacrifice.
Month after month of staring at a too-fat face in the mirror.
I laugh because… really, don’t you have to laugh? Don’t you have to laugh to save your sanity? Don’t you have to laugh to keep from crying?
It would be so easy to throw in the towel, to decide that we simply don’t give a doodley-damn what the world thinks and we’re just gonna eat what we want, drink what we want and be who we are.
But you know how that story ends, don’t you?
It ends with you wallowing in self-pity and misery. It ends happily never after…
Don’t you want more than that? Don’t you deserve better than that?
I want you to do what it takes… whatever it takes… to move your life to a better place, but I also want you to understand that we’re going to be at it for quite some time.
So let’s make a deal, you and I: you keep striving to do the best you can to make your life a healthier and happier one and I’ll do my best to… ummmm… do whatever the hell I feel like doing (hey, I didn’t say it was a good deal, did I?)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Total loss: -81.6
People of Earth,
This communication is to announce the beginning on an invasion on 15 or so pounds of unruly fat.
Fat, you shall be banished! Fat, your world is coming to an end!
You have been allowed to hold sway for far too long. Today is the beginning of the end of your reign.
We plan to employ strict dietary guidelines and raise workout levels to “shock and awe” intensity.
Our aim is to isolate you, obliterate you, annihilate you.
You are big, but what you don’t understand is that the world is so much bigger than you.
Your time is past.
Prepare for the invasion.
Resistance is futile.
of the Sh*ton Empire
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Before & After
To tell you the truth, I didn’t want to do it.
Put my photograph on this site.
I enjoyed being a mysterious, enigmatic fellow, a guy that could get away with saying any damn thing because he spoke from the shadows. But one day I realized that even though I kid around, even though I sometimes play loosey-goosey with language, even though I often seem to make light of this hellacious journey we’re all on… it’s really serious business for me.
It dawned on me one day that not having my progress photo on my blog was undercutting my message. I mean, I can talk all day long about the benefits of dropping 50, 75, 100 pounds, and some of you may even listen. But if I show you…
We’re visual people, you and I, and the impact of a massive transformation can lift us up, motivate us, remind us that what we’re attempting to achieve isn’t some impossible, pie-in-the-sky quest; the simple fact is that folks are doing it every day.
People just like you and me.
But in the end, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t seeking a how-to manual.
I was looking for hope.
Seeing photographic proof of a successful weight-loss journey just stirs something deep within you, awakens some sleeping giant that resides in the solemn places of the soul.
It’s a flare to guide our way in the dark, a wind at our back that helps propel us through choppy waters.
These photos are validations that, while these kinds of life-changing occurrences don’t happen overnight, they do happen. They don’t happen without a great deal of sacrifice and a huge amount of effort, but there’s not a one of us who have achieved it that would say it wasn’t worth all the effort and all the sacrifice in the end.
Wherever you are on this journey, whether it’s contemplating taking that first hesitant step or rounding third and heading for home, I hope you’ll meet the challenge you face with courage and commitment.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,
I can’t say I was completely taken by surprise when I received your recent “Dear Jack” letter saying things were over between the two of us, but I guess I was a little disappointed in the impersonal tone:
Congratulations. You have completed the DirectLife Activity Plan.
Is that all we ever were, DirectLife Coach Jen? A DirectLife Activity Plan? Do you realize how cheap that makes me feel? Do you even care?
I knew when DirectLife Coach José was rubbing it in about how close he sat to you and how shiny your hair was that it would only be a matter of time before he made his move. Damn him and his sexy accent mark and his suave Latin-lover ways.
I gave 100% during our time together, DirectLife Coach Jen. Actually, according to the link to my Results Page, I gave 101% during our time together (1554 calories per day, to be exact). You even admitted that I’m “above the healthy activity level as set by the World Health Organization”. I’ve moved mountains for you, DirectLife Coach Jen, and this is how you repay me...
And thanks for this little jab: “Yet it seems like things have slowed down lately. Now would be a good time to take that extra step. Try not to get frustrated. It takes time to make lasting lifestyle changes. You're on the right track.” If you were trying to make me cry, DirectLife Coach Jen, then mission accomplished!
I once accused you of being a robot, DirectLife Coach Jen, but now I know that's not true. A robot doesn't send this cold and cruel communication to sever a relationship (I know, because I dated a couple of robots in college...).
I’ll forever keep the little Philips DirectLife activity monitor gizmo in my pocket as a memento of our time together, our beautiful long-distance relationship. But I’ll promise you one thing, DirectLife Coach Jen: you’ll never have another person in your life like Jack Sh*t!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Grocery Shopping Tips
- Avoid glow-in-the-dark foods.
- To get in more of a workout on your shopping trip, remove the wheels of your cart.
- Read labels. Aloud. Loudly. Frequently add scoffing noises and pompous "harrumphs".
- Nothing will get your heart rate up faster than bringing a small child to the store.
- Shrilly scream every time you pick up a product that contains High
Fructose Corn Syrup.
- Stay out of the snack and cookie aisle. The wonderfully magical and delicious snack and cookie aisle.
- If they’re out of rice cakes, you can just pick up an air conditioner filter and gnaw on that instead.
- The best way to tell how fresh the fruits and vegetables are is to give them a good squeeze. The same holds true for canned fruits and veggies.
- Marshmallows are fat free? Are you sh*ttin' me? I mean, are you sh*ttin' me?
- To save money, peel bananas before buying them… why pay for heavy banana skins you may not even eat?
- Make a list and strictly to it. If you stray from it even slightly, ram your cart into the display at the end of the aisle, drop down to your knees and wail "Whhhhhhhyyyyyy!!!!!"
Don't buy convenience foods (unless you happen to have a coupon).
- Shop for everything you need in alphabetical order.
- Instead of buying a bunch of beer, merely "sample" a few. Most stores don't mind you cracking open a can or two and trying them as long as nobody sees you do it.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The "I Can't Believe I Forgot To Do This Giveaway" Giveaway
"We hope you will join us for a great evening of eating, Tweeting and sharing grilling tips. The Taste & Tweet will take place on Monday, July 26th from 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm CST. Your first tweet including our hashtag for the event, #ICBINotButterBBQ, will automatically be entered in our sweepstakes to win... blah blah blah." Better go ahead and blog this out; the deadline's coming fast...
I thought TCBY just made frozen yogurt... hmmmm, well you learn something new every day.
Grilling tips? Don't these dummies know summer's about over?
Let's check out the goodie box... hmmmm, a corn-shaped ash tray. Might have to reconsider my decision not to smoke now that I own this bad boy...
And what have we here...?
Okay, I'm pretty sure I don't own one of these already...
How do you turn this thing on?
Whoa! This could poke someone's eyes out if you poked them in the eye with it!
This is the nicest one of these things I've ever received...
What? I can't hear you...
Definitely handy in MY office.
Oh yeah... that's the spot!
The I Can't Believe It's Not Butter people did want me to follow strict FDC guidelines by clearly stating blah blah blah blah yada yada blah blah blah. Damn lawyers!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Time to Step Up
Your goal seems unattainable, the challenges that beset you seem insurmountable.
You’ve put everything you need in your cart…
- Gotta eat less – check
- Gotta exercise move – check
- Gotta cram a few veggies in my maw – check
- Gotta hold myself accountable and be smarter about my choices – check and check
…and yet you still haven’t bought in. I mean really honestly and truly bought in to this grand adventure.
Because if you had, you’d be well on your way.
Sorry to just flat-out say it like that, but there you go. Because that’s the kind of straight-shootin’ son-of-a-bitch I am, I’ll say it again: if you had, you’d be well on your way.
If it’ll make you feel any better, I’m right there with you.
What do you suppose is holding us back anyway?
We have a problem, you and I. Something inside us pushes us down a path we have no business walking. Something draws us into a funhouse mirror maze that can be damned difficult to find our way back from.
I’ve spent a lifetime losing weight, it seems, and a relatively short amount of time gaining it.
There’s some faulty wiring inside my cranium that makes me want more than it need and crave things that do my body no earthly good. It fascinates me to no end that a brain that’s in charge of the body’s self-preservation can send such crappy signals, can make non-stop snacking seem like a brilliant idea.
I won’t lie to you… this business can be tough, sometimes tougher than many of us have the willpower or want-to to withstand. But it’s in us to give a little more, to push a little harder, to make a plan and stick to it.
My good buddy Tony at Anti-Jared has decided to up the ante, and invited me to go on a crazy Thelma & Louise-style joyride towards our goal weight. He’s concocted the kind of throwdown–an All Loser's Challenge– that I can really sink my teeth into. His idea is for us… all of us, that is… to get serious about our goals, to start… and this is the crazy part… losing a little weight.
Tony has thrown down the gauntlet.
Me? I’m picking it up.
How about you?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Here’s everything I know about FitBloggin’: ______________________.
However, when I saw that this healthy living conference was accepting applications for speakers, I decided that I’d throw my chapeau into the ring.
we’re seeking dynamic speakers like you!
I’m getting a little bit antsy that I haven’t heard back from the FitBloggin’ folks yet. After all, my application was, as the Queen of England might say, “kick-ass”…
Please use the form below to submit your session ideas.
Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit
Area of Expertise? * Certified trainer? Been blogging for over 5 years? Tell us what makes you special.
Online humorist who has become one of the most popular diet/weight loss/healthy living bloggers on the planet (Earth) while losing a tremendous amount (80+ pounds) of weight. I'm also a motivating motivator, innovative innovator and, though very few people know this, somewhat of a celebrity... plus I coined the phrases "hump day," "my bad" and "coin the phrase". I'm also a ventriloquist (except you can see my lips move... how do those other guys keep their lips from moving anyway?)
Sessions/Presentation Idea? * What would you like to present about? Blogging or fitness topics welcome!
• How to Be a More Creative Blogger
• Nude Zumba for Beginners
• Is Pig Latin Right for Your Blog?
• 1,001 Weigh-ins... Scaling the Unscaleable... Um... Scale
• You Know You Love It When I Talk Diet-y
• Maybe You Should Just Give Up...
• If You Think Losing Weight's Impossible, Then You Don't Know This Guy
Co-presenters names and blogs? Are there others you would like to present this topic with?
The girl that was in that movie with that dude from that TV show
Would you session require and special equipment? List anything you would require for your session if anything.
• Supremes-style trio of back-up singers (for intro song)
• Projector (for projecting)
• Roll of absorbent paper towels (for flop sweat)
• FLAMING HOOP OF DEATH (for the finalé)
• One gallon of peanut M&M's with the peanuts removed (I'm allergic)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Man Vs Scale
Total loss: -79.7
Scale: Step right up.
Me: I don’t wanna…
Scale: I said “step up”, bitch!
Me: You know, this journey isn’t all about what you say.
Scale: Ah, the Loser’s Lament.
Me: Excuse me?
Scale: And I don’t mean “loser” in the classic weight-loss context either.
Me: You don’t need to be so ugly…
Scale: Oh, I’m just gettin’ started. Step on and I’ll show you ugly.
Me: I’ve been lifting, and that affects my weight.
Scale: You’ve been lifting all right… you’ve been lifting that fork, you’ve been lifting that beer mug.
Me: Muscle weighs more than fat.
Scale: Yeah, and fat people weigh more than fit people.
Me: All you give me is a number.
Scale: Wrong, Jack Sh*t-for-brains. I give you responsibility, I give you accountability, I give you perspective, I give you purpose.
Me: You’re just a box of gears and circuits.
Scale: And you’re just a bag of blood and bones!
Me: You take away every shred of dignity I have, you bastard…
Scale: Hey, I think that ship sailed when you started having a buck-naked conversation with an inanimate object.
Me: I don’t know why you hate me so much…
Scale: Jack, Jack, Jack… I’m the only one who loves you enough to tell you the plain and honest truth. Your “friends” will let you blow up like a balloon and never saw word one.
Scale: I’ve got no skin in the game, Jack. You can’t bully me, can’t bribe me, can’t butter me up.
Scale: But nothing. You stick with me… you work with me… and we’ll get to where you want to go.
Me: * sigh* All right… here goes nothing.
Scale: Nothing… you wish! I got a one pound gain for ya! Boo-ya!