Monday, September 19, 2016

Hire Me!

Because I'm a quasi-celebrity blogger, people approach me all the time help market their products or services. As a public service to anyone wanting to engage me for promotional services, I'm including my official price list for all the various ways I'm available to help...

• 10-second audio clip of me burping your product’s name: $5

• Me mentioning your product or service in a tweet: One half penny

• Video of me romantically slow-dancing with your product: $75

• Product haiku: $10 per syllable

• Me loving your product forever and ever: $50

• A photo of me pretending to take a whiz on your competitor’s logo: $25

• Video testimonial of me yodeling a special yodel dedicated to you and you alone: $150

• Me getting your brand’s logo tattooed on my buttocks: $500

• Me doing a 15-min podcast talking about your product or service: $250, plus you showing me how to make a podcast

• Me wearing a tuxedo, top hat and monocle, then going to the mall and mentioning your product with an English accent: $200 plus tuxedo and monocle rental

• Me reviewing your product on a blog post: $100

• Me reviewing your product and giving it ONE MILLION STARS:  Listen, I don’t sell my integrity like that (I’m kidding… I give every product ONE MILLION STARS)

• Me never ever mentioning your brand on my blog, FB or twitter feed: $10,000

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Just the Tip (the Health Tip, That Is)

• In the afternoon, try drinking a glass of V-8 juice instead of eating a rack of ribs.

• Tired of paying for expensive salad dressing? Do you have access to a friend's kitchen and a bulky purse?

• At meals, try eating with just one fork at a time.

• A registered dietician can assist you in designing a nutritional plan you’ll find months later and have a good laugh about. 

• You know what’s good for emotional eating? Tortilla chips and Rotel dip! You know what’s good for not emotional eating? Me either.

• If you're at a party where they have one of those chocolate fountains, it's a good idea not to do what you're thinking about doing right this second.

• Eating at home instead of going out will help in your weight loss efforts, mostly because of what a bad cook you are.

• Make sure you're rinsing your mouth out with mouthwash and not sno-cone syrup.

Thursday, September 1, 2016


This is for you, fatty....

I took my weight, and I brought it down.
Was doing well, but then it turned around,
And I saw my reflection in the ol’ bathroom mirror,

Seems the backslide brought me down.
Oh, mirror in the bath, why so fat?

Why did my resolve all go flat?
And can I meet all the challenges that I’ve faced?
Can I handle this wasteland stuck around my waist?

Oh oh, I don't know, oh I don't know..
Well, I've been afraid of gaining,
‘Cause I’ve built my life around food.
But time goes by quicker
Soon you’re gettin' thicker.

Yeah, I'm getting thicker, too.
So, take my weight, take it down.

Get serious and don’t fool around.

Next time I see my reflection 

In that damned bathroom mirror,

Well, the Jack-slide will bring me down, down

And when I see my reflection
In the damned bathroom mirror,
No more backslide; weight’s coming down.

No more backslide; weight’s coming down.


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