Friday, October 31, 2014

Green Smoothie Mash

I was piddling in the kitchen early one morn,
When from my blender, a new concoction was born.
I mixed spinach and fruit, from my supplies,
And suddenly to my surprise…

I made a smoothie.
I made a Green Monster smoothie.
A monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
I made a smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
I made a smoothie.
I made a Green monster smoothie.

From their bedrooms right up the stairs,
All my kids rushed down to get theirs’.
Cuz this beat any smoothie that they mighta fixed.
They came to get a jolt from my VitaMix.

They drank my smoothie.
They drank my Green Monster smoothie.
My monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
They stole my smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
They drank my smoothie.
They drank my Green monster smoothie.

I whipped up one more batch.
Was ready to drink it down the hatch.
But suddenly my wife Anita,
Snatched it before I see’d her.
The scene was rockin', all were digging the taste,
Suckin’ on straws, not a drop to waste.
The glasses were piled up in the sink.
The whole family chanting, “We love this drink.”

They love my smoothie.
They love my Green Monster smoothie.
My monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
They love my smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
They love my smoothie.
They love my monster smoothie.

Now my family they had had their fill,
So I made one more smoothie still.
I turned my head and said “Sumb*tch!”
“Whatever happened to my smoothie filled with spinach?”

Who took my smoothie?
Who took my Green Monster smoothie?
My monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
Who took my smoothie?
It was all green and fruity.
Who took my smoothie?
Who took my monster smoothie?

It turns out that I began my celebration prematurely,
Cuz my smoothie was taken by my own mother Shirley.
The recipe’s below, but give credit where credit is due.
When they ask where it came from, tell ‘em Jack Sh*t sent it to you.

You can make my smoothie.
You can make my Green Monster smoothie.
My monster smoothie.
It is an emerald beauty.
You can make my smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
You can make my smoothie.
You can make my monster smoothie.
And have my monster smoothie.



2 large handfuls fresh spinach
1 large frozen banana, cut into chunks
1 T almond butter
1 c Almond Breeze or soymilk
1 T unsweetened cocoa powder (optional)
6 ice cubes


Place spinach and milk in blender. Start on low and move up to high. Add almond butter, cocoa powder and banana and blend on medium, shifting to high when it starts to come together. Add ice cubes and pulse a few times, then blending until thick.


Number of Servings: 1

Thursday, October 30, 2014

I Can Tell You How to Run a Marathon

But I can't do it here.

But I can do it here.

Dammit, that was supposed to be a hyperlink!

Lemme check the manual and... ohhhhhh, I see.

Okay, try here.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: On the Trail of Good Health

I went camping with my wife Anita over the weekend.

As we were hiking, we came to a spot where the trail split into three separate trails.

One trail was marked “THE HARD WAY” and it involved a large amount of effort, intensity and sacrifice.

One trail was marked “THE LESS-HARD WAY” and while it offered challenges, there was also plenty of opportunity to relax and enjoy the trek.

One trail was marked “THE EASY WAY” and it promised an easy and effortless journey.

In hindsight, I probably should have chosen one of those trails instead of sitting on a log and eating three pounds of trail mix. 


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last weigh-in: 263.3
Current weight: 263.8
Loss: +.5
Total loss since re-start: 6.2 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Add plan another camping trip to my “to-don’t” list.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Jack Sh*t’s Guide to Healthy Camping

Like the legendary Sasquatch,
I am large, have a lot of back hair
and am surprisingly difficult to
photograph in the wild. 

• An easy way to burn extra calories while hiking is to get lost.

• Not many folks know this, but you can make your campfire smell just like fresh-cooked pumpkin pie by using pumpkin pies instead of logs.

• Waiting with a group of other campers in the campsite restroom to use the shower is the perfect time to organize a rousing Zumba session.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to cram a still burning marshmallow into your mouth.

• You can turn an ordinary picnic table into weights by picking it up over your head repeatedly.

• Biking around the camp area is great exercise, especially if the kid you stole it from starts chasing you.

• Healthy items to add to trail mix: raw nuts, popcorn, dried fruit, coconut flakes, puffed quinoa,. Things to avoid in trail mix: gummi worms, caramel squares, jawbreakers, meatballs, NyQuil,  pumpkin seeds (okay, pumpkin seeds aren’t necessarily unhealthy, but they do weird me out a little).

• Stay active and make sure you don’t make the mistake of sitting in a comfortable chair and gazing at the fire for hours because…. Ooooooooooooo…. Sooooooo mesmoriiiizzzzziiiinnnggggg.

• Looking for the healthiest s’mores ever? Go camping with my wife Anita who somehow “forgot” the graham crackers, marshmallows, chocolate and my special s’more toasting stick! C’MON ANITA!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

More Healthy Romance Novels

Dreaming of You (and Cupcakes) by Dixon Hand

A Yearning for Calorie-Burning by Ben Down

Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry You Ate The Entire Wedding Cake by Emmerson Niceuns 

Minimizing My Waistline, Maximizing My Manhood by B.A. Ware

Moonlight & Moon Pies by Amanda Lay

Ravishing Radishes by Sharon A. Burger

The Mistress Who Liked Fitness by Helen Bed 

Kegels & Kettlebells by Phil McAvity 

Naked Zumba by Seymour Bush

Sweet Awakening by Candy Barr

Fryer Desire by Chris P. Bacon

A Kiss Before Dieting by Sheila Blige

Lat’s Do It by Arya Reddy

A Fetish for Lettuce by Bess Eaton

Toss My Salad by May Ann Naze

Nice Snatch! A Kettlebell Love Story by Mona Little-Moore

Loving Myself At Any Size by Ty Malone

The Horny Personal Trainer by Pat McCann

Check Out That Hot Piece of Kale by Olive Hoyl

The Coquette Who Loved Croquettes by Corey Ander

Raw Almondisiacs by Dan Saul Knight

Flirt ‘til You Hurt by Randy Guy

Carnal Tunnel Syndrome by Dixie Normous

Inner Thigh Stretches by Mike Rotch

Lighten My Loins by Neil Down

100-Calorie Arousal by Matt Tress

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: Down, Pound, Down

Yo yo yo…

I used to be a hound with a frown, casting around, surrounded and confounded, drowning in pounds.

Now I’ve found I’m a renowned clown with a crown who’s fun to hang around, sounding astounding and grounding down the pounds.


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last weigh-in: 263.9
Current weight: 263.3
Loss: .6
Total loss since re-start: 6.7 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Get a rap contract from major studio label, if I’m able, Mabel.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Cooking Tips for Healthy Cooking

• Tired of chopping onions making you cry? Try this: imagine your first pet and the way it looked at you as it lay dying in your arms. Ha! Now those hateful onions won’t get the satisfaction of making you cry. YOU’RE ALREADY CRYING!

• When sautéing, use a tablespoon of canola oil instead of a tableful of canola oil.

• When baking cookies, substitute carob chips for chocolate chips unless you care that you’ll make everyone hate you.

• If you don’t have a crockpot, it’s not a good idea to just pile a bunch of ingredients on top of a space heater and let it run on “High” all day.

• Add walnuts to cereal, muffins or salads. Plus, try walnut oil in salad dressings, too. Oh, by the way… I probably should mention fact that I’m a paid member of the International Walnut Advisory Council.

• To make pizza healthier, eat something else.

• Have you tried Poached Perch with Pickled Peaches? I have no idea if it’s any good or not, but that’s a helluva name, isn’t it?

• Instead of extra-virgin olive oil, cook with extra-abstinate olive oil.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Fitness Mottos That Probably Could Be Improved

• Fall Down 7 Times, Get Up 7 Times (Any More Getting Up Would Be More Than Absolutely Necessary)

• I’ll Rest When I’m Dead or Saturday, Whichever Comes First

• No Pain, No Pain

• Think Training’s Hard? Well, You’re Right!

• If You Think You Can, You Can.  If You Think You Can’t, You Can’t. If You Think You Can-Opener, You Can-Opener!

• Nothing Tastes As Good As Being Fit Feels, With the Possible Exception of Cheesecake

• I May Not Be the Strongest. I May Not Be the Fastest. I May Not Be the Smartest. Ummmm, I May Have Forgotten the Point I Was Trying to Make…

• Sweat Is Simply Moisture Exuded Through the Pores of the Skin, Typically in Profuse Quantities as a Reaction to Heat, Physical Exertion, Fever or Fear. 

• Just Do Sh*t


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