Thursday, May 31, 2012

Top Tips for Tip-Top Health

• Grated carrots are a good source of carrot.

• Take the stairs instead of the elevator (unless your elevator is one of those old-fashioned ones where you have to pull yourself up with a rope, which is a fantastic arm workout).

• It’s a good idea to change your toothbrush every three months or 3,000 miles.

• An easy way to burn 100 calories is to burn 10 calories 10 times in a row.

• The American Heart Association recommends eating omega-3-rich fatty fish at least twice per week or omega-6-rich fatty fish once per week.

• Use a good foam roller to roll any foam you might need rolled.

• When you’re at a restaurant, remember this little rhyme: “If you order the entire menu, I’m going to  unfriend you.”

• Instead of squandering a lot of money of a fancy, store-bought enema, why not just stay constipated forever? Oh, because you’ll die. Good answer, good answer….

• Instead of eating birthday cake, try eating just a slice of birthday cake.

Backing away from the birthday weekend abyss...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Raw Food!

Boilin’, boilin’, boilin’
Boilin’, boilin’, boilin’

Boilin’, boilin’, boilin’
Boilin’, boilin’, boilin’

Raw food!

No boilin’, boilin’, boilin’

Got this raw diet rollin’

No cooked chow thru my colon.
Raw food!

Fruit and veggies help me.
I’m hell-bent to be healthy.
But wishin’ my grill was still outside.

All the things I’m missin’,

To improve my own nutrition,

This is the end of things fried.

Microwave, heat ‘em up
Heat ‘em up, microwave
Microwave, heat ‘em up.
Raw food.

Cook ‘em up, roast ‘em all
Roast ‘em all, cook ‘em up.
Cook it up, roast ‘em all.
Raw food!

Keep chewin’, chewin’, chewin’
Keep doing what you’re doing.
Eat that stew without stewin’.

Raw food!

Don’t try to understand it
If it’s cooked then we’ve banned it
And soon we’ll be living not-so-wide.
And since this diet turned up
No dinner has been burned up.

Better health is here at my side.  

Raw food!

Raw food!

If I had actually been on a raw food diet, I might not have had the unfortunate 
incident at the Mexican restaurant over birthday weekend...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Jax in Slacks


Jax in slacks.
Relax with six-packs.
Jax’s slacks get too tight.
Time for Jax to face facts.
Time for Jax to try to diet.

Jax in slacks.
Diets and tracks.
Eat less foodstuff cooked in grease.
Portion sizes must decrease.
No one wants wants to live obese.

Jax in slacks
Still are tighter.
Jax has had to pay the piper.
Needs to be a brighter dieter.
Workouts need to be more hyper.
Weigh-in puts him 2 lbs. lighter.

Jax makes pacts
To eat more low-fat.
Got a salad that he’ll pick at.
Bad habits, yeah you gotta kick that.
Time to not be such a thick brat.

Jax in slacks
That’re getting looser.
Drinking juice juiced from a juicer.
Plans to make no more excuse, sir.
Jax is mighty sweat-inducer.
But pretty piss-poor Dr. Seuss-er.

No, that's not a note card with my weight printed
out on it; it was birthday weekend... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

My Birthday Survival Plan

Tomorrow's my birthday, so if you're planning on throwing me a surprise party (and I'm not saying that you SHOULD be planning on throwing me a surprise party because I hate surprise parties), but if you ARE thinking about throwing me a surprise party, you'd better get going. YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Anyway, I'm too busy practicing looking surprised in the mirror to actually write something new, so here's my to-do list from my last birthday, which I'm planning on following through on again...
  • Don’t eat my age in waffles for breakfast
  • Call in “old” at work
  • Rue all the mistakes I’ve made in my life
  • Update "to-do" list with new mistakes
  • Celebrate my B25K completion this year (“Birth to 5K”)
  • Only track 1 out of every 10 calories I consume today
  • Sell whatever present my mom gets me on ebay
  • Say my prayers and take my vitamins like professional wrestler Hulk Hogan said I should
  • Work out in my birthday suit
  • Take a big bowl of fat-free ice cream, flush it down the toilet and enjoy a bowl of the good stuff
  • Drag out a pair of fat pants and thank heaven they no longer fit
  • Use my “Get Out of One Workout Free” card
  • “Afternoon delight,” if you know what I mean (yes, I mean a nap)
  • Drink plenty of water… among other beverages
  • Get 100 comments on my birthday post (*hint hint*)
  • Strip karaoke
  • Keep trying to convince myself that age is just a number
  • Eat healthy, eat less, exercise... starting tomorrow
  • Don’t even bother making a wish before blowing out the candles; they’ve all already come true

What? You gotta problem with that?

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Friday, May 25, 2012

Fit Jokes

A thought occurred to me the other day: why are there so many "fat" jokes and hardly any "fit" jokes?

Such as...

“You so fit that you signed up for
your company's 401K program thinking
that it was a weekend fun run.”


“You so fit you served as a pallbearer at a
funeral and told the other pallbearers,
‘You guys can sit down; I got this.’”

I could do this all day. As a matter of fact... I did....

Check 'em out by heading over to my newest post for my buddies over at Anytime Health. Man, I've really gotten good at making links, haven't I? What? That last one didn't work. Sonofabitch!

I may not be getting the results I want, but I'm not getting 
the results I don't want. Wait, does that make any sense?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Rise & Shine - Healthy Morning Strategies

• Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; always stand at attention and do not fail to salute your oatmeal.

• Save time by dressing while you shower.

• It's tough to get in a morning workout, so consider incorporating Chinese fire-drills at every red light on your drive to work or school.

• Instead of half-and-half in your coffee, try half-and-half-and-half.

• Try to get at least 10 hours of sleep per week.

• One way to determine if your breakfast cereal is healthy or not is to check and see if it glows in the dark.

• Despite myths to the contrary, it's not that healthy to grow, roast and grind your own coffee mug.

• Do the research and get the right mattress for you, even if the salesperson keeps shaking you and saying, "Excuse me, sir. You can't sleep here."

 In the confrontation between the stream and the rock,
 the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Let’s start at the very beginning.

It’s the only place to start.

When you read, you begin with A-B-C.

When you gain, you begin with mo-ate-me.

Mo-ate-me, mo-ate-me.

The first step towards obesity.

Mo-ate-me, mo-ate-me.



Let’s see if I can make it easy…

Mo… too much, upon my plate.
Ate… put it all in my mouth.
Me… the guy who ate too much.
Fa… how far my health went south.
So… I think it’s time to change.
Long… I’ve got so far to go.
No… this is gonna be so hard.
That will bring us back to Mo (oh-oh-oh)


When you know the things to eat...
You can eat most anything


[Jackria and Children:]

When you know the things to eat,

You can eat most anything!

Mo… too much, upon my plate.
Ate… put it all in my mouth.
Me… the guy who ate too much.
Far… how much my health went south.
So… I think it’s time to change
Long… I’ve got so far to go.
No… this is gonna be so hard.
That will bring us back to Mo!

Dammit! Forgot to weigh this morning. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Aveggiers

So I got rejected by Hollywood for my Game of Stones mini-series idea, and it really bothered me until I came to a sudden realization: it was everybody else’s fault, not mine.

Well, I’ll take a little of the blame, for not thinking big enough. I needed a BIG idea and  BIG stars to make my dream a reality.

Get ready for the next mega-blockbuster-extravaganza…


A group of health warriors trying to save the world from those who promote obesity. It’s got everything! Heroes! Obesity! Ummm… okay, so far that’s all it’s got, but that’s a pretty good start.

The story begins with Chuck Fury, agent of S.H.E.D.I.T. He’s on a mission to slim down when the ultimate weight-loss villain shows up…

Pauloki Deen, the Baroness of Butter, the Damsel of Diabetes, the Mistress of Macaroni-and-Cheese. She is attempting to take over the world with her high-fat recipes.

So Chuck calls his pal David Kirchhoff, CEO of Weight Watchers and author of the new smash hit Weight Loss Boss. But unbeknownst to those around him, he is also the superhero known as Captain Bossmanica.

Then Chuck calls in a couple of other well-known but equally heroic figures… Bob Harper, the man known as Bobeye…

And the lethal workout assassin Jillian Michaels or, as some folks call her, the Black Widowmaker.
Fearing that Pauloki Deen was the most formidable foe ever encountered, Chuck decided to call in the big guns including the Iron Maid – Charlene Johnson

The Really Incredible Hulk, Richard Simmons.

And the God of Thunderthighs… Jack Sh*t. “I’m mighty Thor,” proclaimed Jack. “Cuth I workth outh tho hard yestherday.”

Will these heroes… the Aveggiers… win the day versus the forces of obesity?

Sorry, but you’re gonna have to buy a movie ticket to find out…

*Note: The Aveggiers will also be available in 3-D or, if you pay for extra pair of glasses, 6-D!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Cooking Lighter Like a Good Dieter

• You can make your own spray olive oil by figuring out some way to push regular olive oil into an aerosol can.

• When making mashed potatoes, you can save some calories by using skim milk and skim potatoes.

• You can make healthy fish sticks by cutting grilled fish into sticks.

• Instead of deep-frying salad, try sautéing it with a little butter.

• Fill the salt shaker on your table with something that looks and tastes exactly like salt but isn't.

• You can make your own cottage cheese by cottaging some regular cheese.

• Pizza can be made more healthy if you leave off the crust, meat and cheese.

• Instead of a box of Velvetta cheese, use anything else.

Not going backwards over the weekend 
is almost as good as going forwards.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Losing Ass And Taking Names

I make no bones about it: blogging has been an instrumental part in my getting-more-healthy plans.

I get more than my fair share of support from the masses with fat asses, so I like to return the favor when I can.

So… tell me about you and your blog (if you have one). Where are you on your journey? Any big (or little) successes along the way that you'd care to share? What setback (or speed bump) is slowing you down?

And thanks again for supporting me the way you do (if you do) and for helping keep me interested in what I’m trying to do.

I found another gear, baby  (unfortunately, it's "neutral")

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Friday, May 18, 2012

Even More Ways to Make Your Weigh-Ins More Exciting

• Weigh in on top of a moving train (don't forget to duck when you come up on a tunnel)

• If you show a loss, run out and high-five everyone in the house (oh come on... at least put a robe on first!)

• Riverdance on scale

• Put wheels on scale and do weigh in while zooming down that big hill over on Sycamore Avenue

• Paint every toenail a different color like I do

• Hold a couple of lit sparklers during weigh-in, then subtract weight of sparklers (according to my sources, each sparkler weighs five pounds)

• Cover the floor of your entire house with wall-to-wall scales so you keep up with your weight during course of day.

• Play "Mission: Impossible" theme during weigh-in

• Spin like the Tasmanian Devil while weighing in

• Try losing a little weight

Pardon my French but, "C'est bullshit!"

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Wedding Cake Crashers

Jack Sh*twith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I’ve never gotten that chance. Maybe I don’t deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to eat free food. Business was good. I ate a *lot* of food. It was childish and it was unhealthy. 

Claire: And pathetic. 

Jack Sh*twith: Yeah. That’s probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you and your weight loss blog, so it’s hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that was commenting over at your blog? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I mean… who’s really named “Jack Sh*twith” by the way? Or my job. I’m not really a Knife Thrower’s Assistant’s Assistant. But the comments I left; the jokes, the words of encouragement, that was all me. I’ve changed. I’ve realized something. I crashed a funeral today. 

Jeremy: [mutters] Oh Jesus. 

Jack Sh*twith: It wasn’t my idea, I was basically dragged to it. 
[to Jeremy] 
 I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, they really serve a great spread at after-funeral get-togethers. 

Claire: Jack! 

Jack Sh*twith: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she’s a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world, and I realized we’re all going to kick the bucket eventually. That’s the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because I can make positive changes in my life that actually give me a better chance to live a longer and more active life. Claire, I’m not standing here asking you to follow my blog or even leave a comment, I’m just asking you to maybe take a walk, eat a little better, take a chance.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Game of Stones (Guest Stars Galore!)

So I’m out in LA talking to this famous movie exec about my can’t miss
premise for a mini-series starring a host of popular weight-loss bloggers…

Once upon a time there was a knight named Ser Jack of the House of Sh*tterfell, who had found that his suit of armor was getting a little too snug, if you get my drift.

Anyway, he decided that he needed to lose a few stones, which was difficult because (a) he was getting older and his metabolism was slowing down and (b) he couldn’t find a scale that weighed in stones.

This is the story of his adventures in trying to get more healthy and those who ride with him and against him.

Episode 1: Weigh-In Is Coming. We meet Ser Jack, who has just read an article about how sitting all day is really, really bad for your health. And that's even if you don't have a pointy chair...

Episode 2: Two Fit Chicks and a Mighty Sword.
Ser Jack meets a mysterious Mizfit and the dynamic Dietgirl on the road to Kalorie Landing.

Episode 3: The Wenches of Healthwick. Our hero meets his sisters from anotha mister, Joyce, Lisa and Renee from Castle FitStudio. Havoc ensues.

Episode 4: The Hostess with the Moat-ness. Ser Jack shows up to disrupt Lady Katy and her #fitblog chat.

Episode 5: A Knight to Dismember. Ser Jack has a grisly run-in with the Bard of Bacon, Khal Ryan.

Episode 6: Joust Kidding. Ser Jack meets the master of the Castle Pinterest, Ser Tony. Later, Ser Tony eats an apple.

Episode 7: A Sworded Nonsense. Ser Jack adopts a brave little girl, who turns out to be none other than Galloping on Awesome’s Squire Steve.

Episode 8: Shake, Battle and Roll. Ser Jack wages war on Castle Fttfluential for no other reason but he’s kinda bored.

Episode 9: Let Them Eat Fruit. Princess Monica and Maid Mary hound Ser Jack about his lax eating and workout habits.

Episode 10:  Seige Ya Later. Ser Jack is captured by the tyrannical duo of Maester Fitness and the Fat Knight.

Episode 11: A Squire Meal. “Who ate my blog?” asks Squire Stephen. A freakin’ dragon, that’s who!

Episode 12: A Royal Pain. Lookieloo! It’s Bookieboo! And Krazy Kris! I don’t know why, but I’m too excited to explain what happens in this episode.

Episode 13: Queen of Style. Who’s that riding a bicycle down the King’s Road? Lady Bitchcakes! For sooth!

 Episode 14: Someday My Princesses Will Come. When speaking to the PriorFatLadies, Ser Jack makes the mistake of calling them PriorFatGirls.

Episode 15: Medieval Woman. Lady Roni of Castle Fitbloggin’ bars the doors of her kingdom, sets the moat on fire and rings the castle grounds with archers, but will it be enough to keep Ser Jack out?

Episode 16: Damsel in Dis Dress. In the nail-biting season finale, Ser Jack encounters Lady Lisa of the Castle HungryGirl and accuses her of stealing the recipe for his world-famous "Air Pudding". And hey, you're sitting in my pointy chair, bitch!

Unfortunately, the famous movie exec I was meeting with turned out to be a homeless person. Still, he’s considering optioning it! Wish me luck...

I'm losing it! (in a good way)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What's Your Healthyscope?

Hey, I'm the guy who puts "ass" in "asstrology"

Unless you're too scared to know what's in your future - healthwise - check out my newest post on the Anytime Health site.

Speaking of "ass", I'd like to ass you to leave a comment on the AH post; they're under the misguided idea that I'm popular...

And come back tomorrow for my epic summer blockbuster... The Game of Stones.


This weekend, tried eating more, exercising less; since that 
didn't work out so great, going to try it the other way this week.


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