Wednesday, October 31, 2012

There But For The Grace of God…

It wasn’t until I’d jumped with both feet into the weight loss blogging pool that I slowly came to understand just how incredibly, indescribably lucky I was.

Oh, I didn’t feel very fortunate in by triple-XL non-designer shirts. I didn’t feel fortunate when the seat of my slacks ripped in public. I didn’t feel very fortunate when my body wouldn’t allow me to do all the things I wanted or I woke up each morning feeling like I’d been run through a cotton gin.

I didn’t realize back then that there were others out there who had wandered so much farther down that dark path. Folks like Sean, Tony, Stephen
 and others.

You see, some safety switch in my headbone wiring fired off whenever I got within spitting distance of 300 lbs. Up until that point, I’d always managed to stave off that miserable milestone (or at least jump back over the fence pretty quickly).

It wasn’t always easy, and I give much of the credit to my wife and trio of daughters. Anita helped me by encouraging me and by being a healthy inspiration, and my girls helped me by regularly eating all the food in the house.

I don’t know what the point of this rambling wreck is, except that I recognize that different circumstances could have made for a different, more difficult road for me.  I have a frame that can pack on pounds and–given the wrong conditions–I’m pretty sure I would have kept blowing up out of control.

What got me thinking about “the road less (fat) traveled” was stumbling across Holly’s blog and a heart-felt video about her struggles, her setbacks and–ultimately–her successes.

I know that there are people out there (and you might be one of them) who feel that positive change won’t or can’t happen.

You’re wrong.

You just are.

There are people out there who (chances are) were in worse shape than you’ll ever be. For them, the simplest acts of daily life required extensive effort or an imaginative engineering solution. Gravity pressed them to this Earth in a way that I hope you or I never experience, and yet they got up on their feet and they got themselves going.

Are there forces at work that are conspiring against you?

Does Life seem to invent new hurdles to litter in your path?

Are you sometimes your own worst enemy?

Well, welcome to all our worlds.

Rediscovering our health requires effort, discipline and, most of all… copious amounts of time. Some say that the first step on this journey is the hardest, but I haven’t necessarily found that to be true.

For me, the hardest step is the next one.

Can you make one more step without struggling or stumbling?

Can you make one more step towards where you’d like to be instead of where you’ve found yourself stuck in the past?

Can you make one more step in the right direction?

Just so you know, the answer to those questions is a resounding “Yes!”

Use Holly’s (and other folks’) successes to fuel your own drive, to light a fire in your own gut.

She’s doing it.

They’re doing it.

You and I can, too.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Even More of the World’s Worst Workout DVDs

• Gymnastics for Geriatrics

• Ab-ageddon- 100 End-of-the-World Stomach Exercises

Sweaty & Thready, The X-Treme Crocheting Workout

Plank ‘Til You Stank

Do a Chin-Up, Eat a Push-Up

“Sofa, So Good” – The Ultimate Sit-On-The-Couch Workout

Weights on Skates!

Skip Your Way to Better Health* (Note: involves skipping work and going to see personal trainer instead)

Yoga with Yoda

X-ercise to X-ylophone Classics!

The Invisible Man’s Out-of-Sight Exercise Plan

Swing & Sway While You Make a Soufflé!

Conjugal Abdominals

Go Cat Go! – The Kittenbell Workout

Dumbbells for Dumbasses

Monday, October 29, 2012

Next Year's Halloween Costume

I've already got it all planned out.

I would do it this year, but it's an elaborate get-up.

It includes a pair of jeans that are currently residing on the upper shelf of my closet. Scary jeans, you ask? Well, they made my eyes bug out the last time I tried them on. I'm fairly certain that you would have been frightened, too, had you been in the room.

And speaking of creepy, next year's costume involves shrinking the belly that's been creeping over my belt.

I plan to shock some of the other guests at the parties I attend.

It will involve quite a bit of preparation.

It will be hard work.

But when you see me, you won't believe your eyes.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

What? More Weight-Loss Songs for Wee Little Children?

Push Little Buddy

Push, little buddy, get in the zone,
Or trainer’s gonna tease ya in a mocking tone.

If that mocking tone won’t inspire,
Trainer’s gonna set your pants on fire. 

If that fire doesn’t do the trick,
Trainer’s gonna poke you with a stick.

If that stick doesn’t make you work,
Trainer’s gonna call you a lazy jerk.

If name-calling doesn’t get your endorsement,
Trainer’s gonna try positve reinforcement.

So push, little buddy, won’t you try?
Trainer wants results and so do I.

Hot CrossFit Buns

Hot CrossFit buns,

Hot CrossFit buns,
Work out plenty,
‘Til you’re empty,

Hot CrossFit buns.

If you really push yourself,

This can help you tons,

Work out plenty,
‘Til you’re empty,

Hot CrossFit Buns

The Overweight Bod

The overweight bod,

She ain’t what she used to be,

Ain’t what she used to be,

Ain’t what she used to be
The overweight bod,

She ain’t what she used to be

Many long months ago.

Many long months ago,

Many long months ago,

The overweight bod,

She ain’t what she used to be,

Many long months ago.

The overweight bod,

She kicked it into another gear,

Kicked it into another gear,

Kicked it into another gear,

The overweight bod,

She kicked it into another gear,

Many long years ago.

Many long months ago,

Many long months ago,

The overweight bod,

She kicked it into another gear,

Now she’s good to go!

Aiken Muscle

There was a man lived in the gym, in the gym, in the gym.
There was a man lived in the gym, and his name was Aiken Muscle.

And he worked upon a bicep, a bicep, a bicep.
He worked upon a bicep and 
his name was Aiken Muscle.

And his hair was kinda sweaty, sweaty, sweaty.
His hair was 
kinda sweaty and his name was Aiken Muscle.

There was a man lived in the gym, in the gym, in the gym. 

was a man lived in the moon and his name was Aiken Muscle.

Jackie Sh*ttigan

There was an old man named Jackie Sh*ttigan,

He had whiskers on his chinnegan,

He slimmed up, then got fat again,

Poor old Jackie Sh*ttigan,

Begin again.

There was an old man named Jackie Sh*ttigan,

Was doing great, but then he quit again.,

He really wishes that he could get fit again
Poor old Jackie Sh*ttigan,

Begin again.

There was an old man named Jackie Sh*ttigan,

He grew fat and then grew thin again,

Every day he must begin again,

Wise old Jackie Sh*ttigan,

Begin again.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How Are You Doing?

No, I'm asking.

Most days, I either get on here and act a fool or show you a glimpse of how my getting-healthier quest is progressing.

Today's about you.

Are you greeting the day with calm and confidence?

Are you leaping over the hurdles that life haphazardly scatters in your path?

Are you getting bogged down in routine, getting frustrated with the glacier pace of positive change?

Are you inching towards your goals, wishing it would all happen faster and more easily?

If you're like me, it's all-of-the-above.

Some good days, some not-so-good days, but a better understanding than ever before of what it takes to make a little magic happen on the getting-fit front.

I don't know about you, but apparently I'm not getting any younger (and who do I talk to about that?). There is not better time to get serious about this stuff than now, no better time to start than today.

So I hope you're pushing forward with confidence and conviction.

I hope that each day is a step closer to where you want to be.

We're in this together, you and I.

I'm doing everything I can to make sure that today, tomorrow and the next day are days filled with determination, sweat and good choices. 

I'm killing it these days.

How about you?

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

How to Get Tossed From a Weight Watchers Meeting

• Bring a life size latex sex doll and insist that he/she gets to weigh in, too.


Pretend to be Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff and sign copies of your book Weight Loss Boss for five dollars each.

• Do a continuous series of backflips on the scale during weigh-in.

• Challenge everyone in the room to a Pronto Pup-eating contest.

• Clean your shotgun during the meeting.

• Stand up in front of everyone and claim to be the substitute Weight Watchers leader for the night.

• Use telekinesis to manipulate the scale.

• Carry a baby made out of marshmallow that you nibble on all during the meeting.

• Borrow other people’s smartphones and fix them so that every time they open a browser it goes to your blog.

Monday, October 22, 2012

This Is My Final Post

I'm serious.

This is it.


So long.


But before I ride off into the sunset, there are three things I'd really like you to hear...

Number one:
please eat right. I've heard it said that what we eat can be the strongest medicine we can take or the slowest poison we can ingest, and I have found that to be nothing but the absolute truth. Eat right; your body will thank you for it.

Number two: please get up and move. If you're lucky enough to be able to exercise and you're not doing it, then shame, shame, shame on you. It'll keep you healthier, make you feel better and help you live longer (unless you get hit by a truck while you're out jogging).

Number three: remember not to believe everything you read. For instance, this isn't my last post. Far from it.

I just wanted to make sure I had your attention. Now leave a comment for your chance to win $1 million!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Pardon My French…

Pardon my French, but “C'est…” ummmmm… what’s French for “bullshit”?

I just wrapped up a week where my diet was spot-on and my exercise was freaky and frequent. Isn’t that supposed to be the recipe for success on the scale? Did I miss a memo that the rules had changed.

It frosts my shorts when I do all the right things and see negative results.





But I look back over my history with the scale (and thank you blog-diggity blog for providing me with a record of my history with the scale) and see patterns emerge.

When I was really in a groove, I’d see a couple of weeks of good numbers, then an inexplicable, can’t-be-explained hiccup. Behavior didn’t seem to drive it; it was as if my body were reinforcing the line, trying to check the progress of my hard-driving mojo.

In the end, I trusted in what I was doing and the numbers started going down again.

That’s my plan this go-round.

Stay on course and trust.

Keep on keeping on.

Or as the French say, “Continuez à continuer.”

Last week: 241 lbs.
Loss: +.8

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Something Magic In The Air…

Jack: Ummmm… Professor Snape?

Snape: Ugggh… you again, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: Yeah, I think there’s been some sort of mistake…

Snape: What do you… wait. What is that in your cauldron?

Jack: What’s a “cauldron”?

Snape: Is that… *sniff*… is that coffee?

Jack: “Cauldron” means “coffee cup”? You learn something new every day at Hogwart’s!

Snape: Why did you call me over here, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: I think I’m in the wrong class.

Snape: What?

Jack: I signed up for “Portions” not “Potions”.

Snape: Portions?

Jack: Yeah, I seem have a real problem with portions. I thought I was a pretty good guesstimator, but it turns out I was eating nine servings of granola in one sitting.

Snape: That’s appalling!

Jack: Tell me about it. Much more of that and you could change my name to "Neville Widebottom".

Snape: Go on...

Jack: And my “handful of nuts” was actually four servings.

Snape: How is that possible?

Jack: I’ve got big hands, okay? Anyway, research confirms that larger food servings not only provide more calories – duh – but also have two other effects: they encourage people to eat more and to underestimate just how much they’re eating.

Snape: Fascinating.

Jack: So I signed up for Portions thinking I could learn some tricks, y'know, like using portion control dishware, making my own single-serving packs, dishing out servings separately and especially controlling portions when eating out.

Snape: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever said this before but… 50 points for Gryffindor.

Jack: Ummmm… I’m a Hufflepuff.

Snape: Of course you are. Of course...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Ways to Deal With a Plateau

• Small changes can reap big rewards; for example, running a marathon burns twice the calories of a half-marathon.

• Remember, even if the number on the scale isn’t moving, you can still celebrate NSVs. What’s a NSV, you ask? Let’s look that up. Hmmmmm…. NSV stands for The National Socialist Vanguard, a Neo-Nazi group based in Portland. Okay, better hold off on that until I get a little more info…

• Look at ways of trimming a few calories each day; did you realize that cutting one king-sized Butterfinger bar from your diet each day will save over 3,300 calories per week?

• When you go out to eat, bring your own food from home and eat that instead.

• At least once a day, do 10,000 lunges.


• The word “plateau” has the words “plate” “ate” and “u”. No, I don’t know if that’s relevant and yes, I do know that “u” isn’t a word).

• One way to “shock” your system is to eat less and exercise.

• Remember what Bruce Lee once said: “There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.” But keep in mind that he also said “Shut up or taste my fists of fury!”


Every once in a while, it’s a good idea to double down on what you’re doing. Plus, you should always split 8’s and stand pat if the dealer is showing a six.

• Try increasing the duration and intensity of reading my blog.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Debate

Moderator: This is the first debate between Jack Sh*t, representing the forces of good health and getting more fit and his arch-nemesis Bad Wayne, representing… well… the opposing viewpoint. By virtue of a coin toss, the first question goes to Bad Wayne.

Bad Wayne: Bring it!

Moderator: You've been quoted as saying that the best thing to put on top of melted cheese is...

Bad Wayne: Ding, ding! More melted cheese.

Moderator: Ummmm... Yes, that's correct. Now...

Bad Wayne: Booyah! One point for me! In your face, Jack!

Moderator: No, my question is do you feel like that's an irresponsible message to be delivering on what purports to be a weight loss blog?

Bad Wayne: Porpoise?

Moderator: Excuse me?

Jack: He said "purports", dumbass.

Bad Wayne: My opponent thinks it’s okay to talk down to others and call them by hurtful names. His bad attitude and hurtful language are what's wrong with America right now. If Bad Wayne is elected to take over writing this blog, I promise there will be a more civil tone and a new direction for the people, by the people and... ummm... something else about the people, so help me God.

Jack: Just kill me.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

If Every Day Were Like Today...

For the past couple of weeks, I've been using an app called My Fitness Pal to track my food.

Tracking has taught me an important lesson:  I really hate tracking food.

But I'm doing it.

Not because the app makes tracking ridiculously easy (though the app makes tracking ridiculously easy).

Not because I don't have supreme confidence in my "guesstimation" skills (though it turns out my guesstimation skills are severely lacking... 1/4 cup of granola is one serving? WTF?).

No, it's the little message that pops up when you close out each day's tracking.

"If every day were like today," the app proclaims, "in 5 weeks, your weight would be..."  and then a number that makes your eyebrows go up.

Five weeks.

I don't know about you but I already have meetings set for five weeks out.

Five weeks isn't forever away.

Five weeks is barely more than a month.

Five weeks will go by...




Today is going to be a good day.

Tomorrow's going to be like today.

Check back with me in five weeks.

Last week: 242.8
Loss: 1.8 lbs

Friday, October 12, 2012

The Words of a Blog

Read the words of a weight-loss blog,
Not eating what I aught.
Instead like a hog (instead like a hog).

Read the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Temptations surround us,
You want to succumb.

The body grows large (body grows large).

The outlook looks glum (outlook looks glum).

Oh, these things harrass us,
And tend to fat-ass us.
Our progress gets bogged (progress gets bogged).

Read the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Oh, the words of a weight-loss blog.

Start eating what I ought.

And not like a hog (not like a hog).

Read the words of a blog (words of a blog).

These days I’m improving.
I’m now in the zone.
I’m moving my body (moving my body).
Just like a cyclone (like a cyclone).
Troubles, I’m had some,
But I’m feeling awesome.
I eat less and jog (eat less and jog).
Read the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Oh, the words of a weight-loss blog.

Still eating what I ought.

Work out like a dog (out like a dog).

Read the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Oh, the words of a weight-loss blog.

It’s good health we’ve sought.

Climb out of the bog (out of the bog).

Read the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Oh, the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Oh, the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Oh, the words of a blog (words of a blog).

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Signs It’s Go-Time

• There are more than a dozen empty wine bottles and/or used-up whipped cream canisters in the weekly recyclable bin.

• Your sweatpants no longer fit.

• You’re recently reinstituted “Fry-Daddy Friday” at your house.

• You forgot there was such a thing as “calories”.

• You’ve gone back to using marshmallow crème as a condiment.

• Following message pops up on your television: “Congratulations! You’ve watched every movie and TV show in the Netflix library!”

• Before going for a walk, you have to Google how-to instructions.

• When you chance your sheets, you find a half dozen slices of pizza.

• You realize you’ve been using your workout DVDs as coasters.

• You notice that Buffalo Wild Wings has named a menu item after you.

• In your food journal, you find it faster and easier to list foods you didn’t eat rather than ones you did.

• At least three times a week, you have movie theater popcorn for dinner.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Full-Scale Warfare

My pal CurvyFitGirl Kelly recently posted a link to one of my old posts that featured a video of me not being very satisfied with a weigh-in…

Man, are things all relative or what?

Back then, I tipped the scale (before I ripped the scale) at 219, which is right in my goal-weight range (I observe a very wide range, thank you very much).

But there I am, wearing a pair of jeans I wouldn’t have been able to snap shut as a teenaged punk, smashing the holy hell out of an unsympathetic scale.

Here's the funny thing:  that dude with rage in his eyes, murder in his heart and a stylish “Life is Good” hoodie on his bod would currently give his left you-know-whaticle to be at that weight again.

I can answer that is-it-all-relative question with a resounding “Hell, yeah!”

My point? Well, I suppose it’s that it’s okay to be pissed off after stepping on the scale (Lord knows I am often enough), but it’s also important to realize that things could most definitely be worse.

And keeping them from getting worse is just as important as trying to make them better.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Dear Game of Thrones Guy

I’m not a dude that normally writes to authors.

For instance, I never sent a letter to Stephen King asking him to pay for my dry cleaning after I whizzed in my pants reading The Shining.

And I never contacted the Harry Potter lady to hurryhurryhurry and finish her next book (mostly because I dreaded those midnight book release shindigs at the local bookstores).

But now…

Now I have to write because I read A Game of Thrones, and it was really good except nobody told me there was another book that continued the story.

And another after that.

And another.

And so on.

And so forth.

Until I wrapped up the last chapter of the last book and went to find the next one and discovered that IT HASN’T BEEN WRITTEN YET.

Then I read somewhere that you had met with the producers to go over what happens to the characters in case you die before you finish the books.

Then I saw a picture of you...

There was a time when I was feeling pretty down and out. I was at my heaviest weight and I was in a good bit of pain every morning when I woke up. I thought it was one of the natural signs of growing older.

Turns out there was nothing natural about it. I was just eating too much and doing too little. It caught up with me. Hell, it caught up with me, ran me over and left me for dead.

But I got back up. I made some pretty substantial changes in my life. Like you, I spend way too much time behind a computer keyboard, but I’m here to tell you that’s not a deal-breaker when it comes to getting healthier.

Commit to an hour or so of exercise each day. Clean up your diet and start enjoying the benefits of healthier meals and snacks.

And believe me, when the weight starts coming off, the world seems to be a much better place.

There are millions of fans that want you to stick around and see your Game of Thrones story through, but don’t do it for them.

Do it for yourself.

Ummm… and for me.

Your pal,


Sunday, October 7, 2012

I Am In A Rut

I am in a rut.

A couple of weeks ago, I climbed back down into the trenches.

You know that trench…

The one where all the heavy-duty work is done.

The one where there’s only one view:  straight ahead.

I decided to start tracking exactly... exactly... EXACTLY... what I was eating while ratchet-chet-chet-chetting up my exercise plan.

I know, I know… that’s just crazy enough to work, isn’t it?

We make this stuff so much harder than it needs to be, don't we?

I can answer that for both of us:  we do.

But the great thing is that it's never to late for us to make a positive change.

I’m in a rut or… in other words…

I’m in a groove.

Last week: 246.0
Loss: 3.2 lbs

Friday, October 5, 2012

Having My Cake And Not Eating It, Too

I spent a few fabulous days at Fitbloggin’ a couple of weeks ago doing a lot of talking about my blog. About how I started it and why. About what it did for me and why. About how other people’s successful journeys steeled my will to set off on my own voyage.

Like most everything, this site has morphed and mutated over time. Most days it’s just an exercise in weight-loss-related silliness (with a thimble full of wise-ass wisdom so I’m not kicked off the bus).

I’m not trying to apologize for representing the lighter side of this whole tryng-to-get-fit frittata, because I honestly think it’s kind of important to crack a smile when you have a long road in front of you.

It’s not even one of those “you gotta laugh to keep from crying” things either; you just gotta laugh because... well... we’re still here and that, if nothing else, that’s a good enough reason to chuckle.

But all this introspection got me looking at my own story and marveling at the juice this place had when I was rockin’ and rollin’ with my healthy self. There was a time, believe it or not, when this site was slanted more to the “Gettin’ Fit” side of my blogitty-blog’s name than the “Jack Sh*t” one.

So I expect this site to take a slight turn back to what pulled me into this world to begin with. Don’t fret... there will still be plenty of gags and goofs (and probably a return of the Jack Sh*t Players now that our contract dispute has finally been settled), but I also hope... and expect... to see a return to my roots.

I want to see Jack Sh*t gettin’ fit again.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Health Tips for Healthy Peeps

• It’s a good idea to eat less than 125% of your meal.

• When you get something stuck in your eye, resist the urge to get it out with a power washer.

• The easiest way to keep from suffering menstrual cramps is to be a man.

• Putting one-third cup of half-and-half in your morning coffee instead of an entire cup of half-and-half will save you over 200 calories.

• Use the time spent in the car to develop strong gluteus maximus muscles by steering with your butt cheeks.

• If you’d like a snack packed with fiber and water, try either an apple or a bag of fiber-water.

• You can easily transform a chair into an elliptical by going to Hogwart’s School of Magic and studying Transfiguration.

• You can save a considerable amount of calories by blotting your pizza slice with a napkin and then eating the napkin instead of the pizza.

• Whipped butter cuts 50% of the calories of regular stick butter, and imaginary butter cuts 100% of the calories of whipped butter.

• Taking the stairs for a total of just two minutes, five days a week, 52 weeks a year, for 50 years, gives you the same calorie-burning results as a 364,000-minute walk.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I Just Have Three Questions For You...

Do you like wee little children?

Do you like songs? 

Do you like me luring you to this site and then sending you off to see a guest post I wrote for my buddy DubyaWife?

Oh well, two out of three ain't bad..

Monday, October 1, 2012

You Mean Jack Sh*t To Me

Here’s the thing: “Jack Sh*t” means nothing.



“You don’t know Jack Sh*t.”

“I ain’t got Jack Sh*t”

“That don’t mean Jack Sh*t to me.”


Except I like to think that we’ve changed the meaning of those words, you and I.

Over the past few years, I’ve tried to make it about a pilgrimage towards better health, sometimes charging and sometimes stumbling but always pointed towards a better place.

And you’ve helped make it stick by visiting me here from time to time and supporting what I’m trying to do because… well, you’re on a journey towards a better, healthier place, too.

Sometimes charging.

Sometimes stumbling.

Charging and stumbling, stumbling and charging, we’re getting up each morning and greeting our day with focus and commitment. We're not perfect... God knows I'm not and I'd bet big that you aren't either... but our hearts are in the right place even if our belts are currently resting in the wrong notch.

We are on a journey, each in our own way, each at our own pace, and if there are others out there who don’t get what we’re trying to do… well…

They don’t know me.

They don’t know you.

They don’t know Jack Sh*t.


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