Monday, November 30, 2015


• Dammit! Committed to drinking more water during the day but forgot that water's the one that doesn't taste like anything.

• Dammit! Trainer informed me that my "form" was wrong on my chest presses; apparently you're not supposed to take a nap between reps.

• Dammit! Started listening to my body; didn’t realize it would constantly scream for Cool Ranch Doritos.

• Dammit! Not sure elliptical I put together all by myself is working right due to fact that one foot goes up over my head when I use it.

• Dammit! Gained weight this week despite fact that I must have eaten over 100 fat-free cupcakes.

Dammit! Thought I was being smart by going with discount food-tracking app, but turns out that it counts 2-gallon jar of chunky peanut butter as 7 calories!

• Dammit! Did 35 minutes on the stationary treadmill and didn't even break a sweat!

• Dammit! I've already pre-broken several of my New Year's resolutions!

• Dammit! Nobody thinks this blog post was an entertaining as I did!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Unhealthiest Thanksgiving Dishes Ever!

Bacon-wrapped turkey

• Roasted Marshmallow Casserole topped with Roasted Marshmallows

• Mashed Potatoes smothered in Hot Fudge Gravy

• Cranberry Vodka Sauce

• Macaroni & Cheese & Cheese

• Butter Rolls (rolls that have actually been carved out of butter)

• Crisco Au Gratin

• Candy Corn Pudding

• Flash-Fried Fresh Fruit

• Green Beer Casserole

• Stuffing Stuffed with Extra Stuffing

• Pumpkin Pie topped with a scoop of Pecan Pie ala Mode

Monday, November 23, 2015

Tips for a Healthy Thanksgiving

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Lil' Red Dieting Good

Once upon a time, a cute-but-kinda-chubby young girl was traipsing through the woods with a basket of fat-free goodies. She was on the way to visit her grandmother, who was in bed suffering from a multitude of symptoms relating to her pulmonary problems and Type 2 diabetes. Apparently, obesity was a tradition in Little Red Dieting Good's family. 

Since I’m a sucky narrator, I forgot to mention that Little Red Dieting Good had run into the Big Fat Wolf soon after setting out from her little village. Even though the Big Fat Wolf was particularly vicious, Little Red Dieting Good wasn’t afraid because she knew she could easily outrun the corpulent carnivore.

Well, as you can probably guess, the Big Fat Wolf utilized his smartphone’s GPS and navigated an effective shortcut to the grandmother’s house.

Somehow, the Big Fat Wolf got rid of the grandmother and dressed himself up in her cap, glasses and nightgown. Okay, I could have done a better job of narrating that bit, but I was sick a lot during Narrating School and missed the week when they were going over that part of the program.

Anyway… skip ahead to when Little Red Dieting Good shows up to the cottage, because that’s the part that really gets interesting anyway. Some narrators just get so caught up in describing things that you just get tired and cranky and want to scream “Just get on with it anyway!”

“Grandmother!” exclaimed Little Red Dieting Good. “What big teeth you have!”

Okay, when I was making that observation about how crappy some narrators are, I seem to have skipped over some pretty important stuff in the story, so excuse me while I backtrack and try to find my place. It won’t take long…

Once upon a time… dammit! Too far back…

“Grandmother!” exclaimed Little Red Dieting Good. “What big teeth you… waitaminute… let me start over:  once upon a time…”

“Pleeeeease,” whined Little Red Dieting Good. “Can we get on with this. I’ve got Zumba at 6 o’clock.”

“That does it!” I said, storming off. “Let’s see just how far you get without a narrator!”

“Ohhhhhhhh, look! It’s ‘Little’ Red Dieting Good.”

“Oh, Grandmother. What big eyes you have!”

“The better to see you with, my dear.”

“Oh Grandmother. What a big snout you have!”

“The better to smell those tempting treats you’ve brought me!”

“Oh Grandmother. What a big fat ass you have!”

“The better to… really? Do I have a big fat ass?”

“I’ll say! You got more crack than Humpty Dumpty.”

“Well, those are fat-free treats, aren’t they?”

“Often fat-free versions of sweets aren’t lower in calories than the regular version. For example, one low-fat Oreo cookie has 50 calories, but the regular version has just over three calories more.”

“I did not know that!”

“Yeah, and take this granola. Low-fat granola is indeed lower in fat; however, it’s only approximately 10% lower in calories. It won’t take a lot of mindless munching to scarf down ten percent more granola.”

“Okay,” I said. “I can see this story is getting off track without a narrator's deft touch, so I came back to instill some much-needed order, and… hey where are you two going?”

“We’re going to Zumba class,” explained the Big Fat Wolf, taking off the nightgown and slipping on a pair of ragged sweatpants. “I’ve got to do something about this fat ass.”

“Come on,” smiled Little Red Dieting Good. “We’ll have you huffing and puffing in no time.”

- The End -

Wednesday, November 18, 2015


Ever taken an unruly dog on a walk and nearly gotten your arm jerked out of the socket as he struggles and strains against the tug of the leash?

That's how my weight-loss journey feels these days. I'm trying to do right but seem to be constantly fighting forces beyond my control.

I have a long history of massive losses followed almost immediately by inexplicable climbs back up the obesity ladder. Even though I know better, my mutt of a body seems to catch a scent of something it wants to chase and it’s all I can do to keep my fingers clenched tightly around the leash.

I have a bad week, see a jump on the scale and give the leash a hearty jerk. I loosen my grip for a moment, thinking I've got things back under control, and then... LOOK, A SQUIRREL!

However, I have a leash and it’s strong and well-made. It’s woven out of sweat and commitment, forged from well-earned wisdom and the support of family and
 friends. It’s triple-reinforced with the will of a community of like-minded individuals, and while there may be a little give in it, there’s no way that sucker’s gonna break.

Sure, there’s a part of me that longs to break free and run wild as I have in the past.
 But there’s a stronger voice that takes over these days. A voice that instills confidence, demands discipline. It’s the voice that will keep me on the right path and lead me back home when the day is done.

We are all the masters of our own destinies, keepers of our own leashes. Whether yours is way-too-slack or trim and tight, I encourage you to hold on for all you’re worth.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Wishful Shrinking

I wish…

I wish I liked celery.

I wish the countdown clock on the treadmill would move faster.

I wish cheese had never been invented.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I wish I had a teenager’s metabolism.

I wish I could fall asleep more easily and sleep more soundly.

I wish my gym bag didn’t smell like the Black Death.

I wish my blog would update itself occasionally.

I wish I had started this commitment to healthy living earlier.

I wish…

“If there's a single lesson that life teaches us,

it's that wishing doesn't make it so.” 
- Lev Grossman, The Magicians


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