Friday, May 31, 2013

I'm a Scale Man

Chimichangas and pie ala mode.

Fried taters, I ate a truckload.

And when you eat it, 

It stays on. 

You got to worry, 

‘Cause weigh-in’s coming. 

I’m a scale man,
I’m a scale man. 

Sometimes fail, man.
I’m a scale man, 
I’ve got too much…

Couldn’t take
How much I weigh, 

So I hit the gym each and every day.
Started trackin’
What I et. 

But I ain’t accomplished
Nothing yet.
I’m a scale man,
I’m a scale man, play it, Steve.

I’m a scale man,
I’m a scale man.

Now I eat good,
Every chance I get, listen now…
Yeah, I work up a sweat.
I got educated about nutritious stuff.
Now I stop eatin’ when I’ve had enough.

I’m a scale man,
I’m a scale man.
I’m a scale man,
I’m a scale man.

So, grab a rope and 
I’ll lift you up 

And be your “Provide Support” Friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

I’m talkin’ about a scale man
I’m a scale man, and you’re a scale man
I’m a scale man,
Oh no, scale man. 

I’m a scale man, 

And you’re a scale man.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Life Goals, Revised

Well, I’m turning the big FIVE-OHHHHHH today, so I thought it was the proper time to take inventory of my life goals and give them a reality adjustment.

Previous goal: Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro
Revised goal:  Find out where Mt. Kilimanjaro is

Previous goal: Run a half-marathon
Revised goal: Run a half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon

Previous goal: Learn to speak Italian
Revised goal: Learn to speak Pig Latin

Previous goal: Make a million dollars
Revised goal: Win a million dollars (come on, Powerball!)

Previous goal:
Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse
Revised goal: Slow down, die old and leave a beautiful corpse

Previous goal: Invent a better mousetrap
Revised goal: Learn to live with mice

Previous goal: See the Northern Lights
Revised goal: See everything in the Netflix library

Previous goal: Travel the world
Revised goal: Watch basketball in my underwear

Previous goal: Be a better friend
Revised goal: Tell everybody I know to go to hell

Previous goal: Learn to play the guitar
Revised goal: Learn to play air guitar

Previous goal: Stop procrastinating
Revised goal: Eventually stop procrastinating

Previous goal: Write the great American novel
Revised goal: Write Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Be Obese


Ma chere Fatemoiselle,
It is with deepest pride 

And greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.

And now we invite you to relax,
Let us pull up a 
chair as the dining room proudly presents - 

your second dinner!

Be obese!
Be obese!

All your foodstuff cooked in grease.

Tie your napkin ‘round your neck, cherie.

Let the eating never cease.

Soup du jour,

Hot hors d'oeuvres’ll

Help you broaden out those curves.

Try the grey stuff 

So delicious.

Who cares that it’s not nutritious?

Hide the scale, let out your pants.
Grow as large as all of France.

Eat like me and you will never look your best.

Order the whole menu,

Eat it all and then you’ll

Be obese.

So obese.
Be obese!

Jackiere and Chorus:

Maybe not
Who can say?

You have a say in what you weigh!


It’s time to batten down the hatches
And just leap into the fray.

You're not alone
We’re right there, too.

And we’ll take each step with you.

No more excuses or complaining
Let’s put an end to all this gaining.

I tell jokes! I run miles

With my fellow pedometer-philes.


And it all gets good results

That you can bet

Come on and work your ass.

We’re gonna lose some mass.

Not be obese.


If you're stressed

It’s exercise that I suggest.


Not be obese!
Be obese!
Be obese!


Life is so unnerving
When your curves are over-curving.
Feel like spit, pants don’t fit when they’re put on.

But, the good old days are still before us...

We can turn from a fat duckling into a swan.

For years we’ve just been stalling,

Eating habits were appalling.

Needing exercise, a chance to move our bods!
If we keep spending all our time being

Flabby, fat and lazy

We’ll soon be dead as Patrick Swayze!


Don’t be obese! Be obese!
Give your life a brand new lease.

When your body’s not so shoddy then you’ll 

Finally know some peace.

With each meal, each workout

You’ll be leaving little doubt
That your healthy future’s showing
There’s no telling where you’re going!

Pounds go down, one by one

'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
And we all shout “Congrats” at your big decrease
So let’s all get fit together
Do our best to never ever

Be obese!

Be obese!

Be obese
Don’t be obese!

Monday, May 20, 2013

A Few More Weight Loss Nursery Rhymes

Pussy Jack, Pussy Jack

Pussy Jack, Pussy Jack, why you so weak?”
“Hey, I’m back in the gym to improve my physique.”
“Pussy Jack, Pussy Jack, can’t you lift more than that?”
“Spot me – I’m going for twelve and a half!”

Sing a Song of Six Pounds

Sing a song of six pounds,

A loss upon the scale
Four and twenty workouts
That plus eating well.
When the month was over,

The results could not be clearer
Isn’t that a fitter dude

He sees there in the mirror?

Frère Jack Sh*t

Are you eating?

Are you eating?

Blogger Jack.
Blogger Jack.

Weigh-in day is coming.
Weigh-in day is coming.

Dumb ding-dong.
Dumb ding-dong..

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Healthy Meals

Healthy meals for you, until we eat again.
Healthy meals for you, fresh veggies and whole grain.

Take care so that your snacks aren’t way too fatty,

Or else you’ll grow as big as Cincinnati.

Healthy meals to you, 'till we eat again.

Some meals are healthy ones,

Others not so much.

It's the way you prep the meal that counts,

Make it a healthy one for lunch.

Healthy meals for you, until we eat again.

Healthy meals for you, it’s the best place to begin.

Take care so that your food is not too salty
The choice is up to you, it’s all your fault, see?
Healthy meals to you,
'Till we eat again.

Monday, May 13, 2013

More Tips for Eating Healthier at Restaurants

• Spit is extremely low-calorie so be sure to berate your waitress, complain endlessly and send the entrée back at least twice.

• This may come as something of a shock to you, but fried cheese has quite a few calories and an excess of fat.

• Asking for your salad dressing served on the side is a healthier option and worth putting up with the waiter smirking “Here you go, Little Lord Fancybritches.”

• Don’t order pie a la mode a la mode.

• It’s easier not to overeat if you order something you really don’t like.

• Soup can be made more low calorie by pouring your glass of water into the bowl.

• Resist the urge to wheel the dessert cart out into the back alley and scarf up everything on it.

• Don’t order any entrée that has a defribulator symbol next to it on the menu.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Around the World in 80 Food Carts

I was in Portland this week for Fitbloggin' 13 (dammit, I really need to learn how to use a calendar!), and was delighted by all the tasty treats from all over the globe sold at the various food carts in the area. If you're ever in P-town, use this handy guide to sample the best the street has to offer.

 What's good:
Fish and Chips
What to avoid:
Haggis Fudge Sundae

 What's good:
Hummus and Pita
What to avoid:

 What's good:
Grilled cheese sandwich
What to avoid:
Bread-free grilled cheese sandwich

 What's good:
Bánh canh
What to avoid:
Bánh canh'nt 

 What's good: 
Cabbage/sauerkraut soup
What to avoid:
Poison mushroom salad
 What's good:
Cuban sandwich
What to avoid:
Cigar stew

 What's good:
What to avoid:

 What's good:
Roasted whole pig
What to avoid:
Handful of mushed poi

 What's good:
Greek salad
What to avoid:
Lamb nuggets

 What's good:
Kimchi (Fermented Cabbage)
What to avoid:
Kimchihuahua (Fermented Puppy) 

 What's good:
Arroz con Gandules
(rice with pigeon peas)

What to avoid:

Arroz con Gandole
s (rice with pigeon)

 What's good:  
Tandoori chicken
What to avoid:
Curried lemonade
 What's good: 
You can't pronounce it.
What to avoid:  
Anything still moving.

 What's good:
What to avoid:
Chernobyl Pot Pie

 What's good:
 Prawn baguette
What to avoid: 
Holding up the line by asking what everything on the menu is

 What's good: 
أنا أحب القراءة كثي

What to avoid:

 لم أجد هذا الكتاب القديم

What's good
Pad Thai
What to avoid
Rat Thai

What's good
What to avoid
Day-old tacos

What's good
What to avoid
Pharaoh Joe's Mystery Meat Pyramid

Monday, May 6, 2013

Now Playing at the Jack Sh*t Octoplex

• Life of Pie

Dead Man Down 2 Pounds


The Weight-keepers

The Incredible Burt Lost-A-Stone

The Not-So-Great Fatsby

Diet Hard 5: A Good Day to Diet Hard

Gain and Pain

Dr. Oz: The Great and Terrible Celebrity Physician

210 and Over

The Blobbit: An Unexpected Weight Gain

Slimmer Living Playbook

Jack the Giant Ass Slayer

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Hoosier Daddy?

There's a tradition in weight loss not to talk about the next step until you've climbed the one in front of you. I’m sure getting down to goal weight is beyond your wildest dreams, so let’s just keep it right here, right here in front of us. Forget about the potato chips, the size of those super-sized sodas, those fancy desserts and remember they got you here. Focus on the fundamentals that we’ve gone over time and time again. If you put your effort and concentration into eating well and exercising more, to be the best that you can be, I don’t care what the scale says at the end of the day. In my book, we’re gonna be losers! Okay?!


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