Friday, June 29, 2012

Take This Job And Shove It Full of Health

• One way to make your office vending machine more healthy is to put chewed up gum in the coin slot.

• Put a mannequin dressed like you behind your desk and go work out for four hours.

• Don't brag to me about riding your bike to work unless you pedal it up the stairs. Come on, slacker!

• It might help you lay off those donuts in the break room if you pretend that they are loaded with fat, sugar and completely empty calories.

• Instead of going out for drinks after work, encourage co-workers to get in some stress-relieving exercise by taking part in Parking Lot Fight Club.

• Replace your desk chair with a unicycle.

• You can make yourself drink more water during the work day by having "drink lots of water each day" written into your job description.

• If you can't talk management  into springing for staff gym memberships, ask them to install a moon bounce in the conference room.

• Bathroom stall yoga.

• Get IT Manager to turn off filter that blocks time-wasting sites like Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit.

Shine on!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Health Tips... Get Your Fresh, Hot Health Tips!

• If you always salt your food before you taste it, remember this little rhyme, "High blood pressure from too much salt? Sorry to tell you it's your own damn fault."

• At meals, try eating with just one fork at a time.

• Men, be sure and take Viagara as soon as you wake up because I read somewhere that breakfast is the most impotent meal of the day.

• All scales are a little different, so always assume (like I do) that yours' is off by 10 pounds or so.

• Growing your own water at home is easy and cheaper than buying store-bought water.

• Are you the kind of person that walks away from your responsibilities? Well, try running away from your responsibilities; it burns significantly more calories.

• Get exercise at the movies by getting up and changing seats every 15 seconds.

• Playing with your dog can be a great workout, unless you're playing poker.

• One sign that you're eating too fast is when sparks are flying off your silverware

• If you're at a party where they have one of those chocolate fountains, it's a good idea not to do what you're thinking about doing right this second.

Losing over a pound in 24 hours is good reason 
to wear a tie (maybe the only reason)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

50 Shades of Fat


I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my fat ass, and damn Katherine Karbanaght for buying all those cans of Pringles and leaving them in the pantry. Did you know that one Pringle chip has almost ten calories? I ate 30 in one mouthful one time. One time? Ha!

I go to take a chair but can barely sit. My bottom is still stinging and sore from what Ricardo did to me last night. I’ve never felt such exquisite pain, never knew a man could take an hour and stretch it out to eternity. From the moment my feet were strapped in, I knew I was his…

Indifferent... barking orders. He was so stern, so demanding… insisting that I do whatever he requested, just like he always does. Ricardo!

I stand and rub the backs of my legs, still remembering the violent pleasure of our experience together. I have begun to crave the sweat, the torment, the absolute torture that my evenings with Ricardo bring me.

I must have more.

Tentatively, I dial the number of the gym...

“Hi, is Ricardo leading another spin class tonight?”

To quote Bruce Springsteen, 
"I'm going down, down, down, down, down..."

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Things That'll Get You Kicked Out of Whole Foods

• Putting 25 pounds of pistachios through the coffee grinder

• Continually trying to do that trick that cartoon monkeys do where you squirt a banana out of its skin and up into the air, then catch it in your mouth and eat it in a single gulp

• Getting black lentils from the bulk bin but writing down the code for brown lentils on the tag

• Squirting the tester patchouli lotion down your pants

• Jugging exotic cheeses

• Loudly asking produce guy difference between "organic" and "whoreganic" vegetables

• Attempting to pay for your groceries with coupons for free hugs

• Insisting that your groceries be sacked in bag you made yourself from collection of stripper thongs

• Demanding that you need to be led around store by your seeing-eye wolverine

• Standing in two grocery carts, one foot in each, and trying to skate around store

• Screaming at store manager that you demand to get a 40% blogger discount

Hmmmm... you better have a good reason this, fella!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Everybody Was Gung-Ho Dieting

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

They are funky diet men and funky diet divas
They are they showing big losses,
They’re becomin’ true believahs.
It's a science not an art, and everybody does their part
Giving fatty foods a pass, and losing lots of ass.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

There is Mary at A Merry Life and Yesterday’s Excess
There is CurvyFitGirl Kelly; man, she’s having some success!
They are blogging what they do,
They are bidding fat adieu.
They are watching what they swallow,
They’re makin’ me wanna follow.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

 I am going to kick this week in the nutz!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Stuck in the Deep End...

Treading water.

Is there a dumber pool activity?

Well, maybe playing “Marco Polo”.







Screw it… I’m opening my eyes.

Screw it… I’m tired of treading water.

Screw it… I’m swimming. 

Screw it... let's do this.

 Go time.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Keeping Up With the W.I.D.T.H.'s

Why do you do this (here)?
Why push your plate away when you'd rather eat like a pig?
Why spend your afternoons sweating up a storm when your DVR is loaded with crappy TV you haven't seen yet?
Why do you do it?
Tell me, tell me, tell me. I'm serious! Write it down and send it to me. Here... I'll even give you my super-secret, private email address: Don't forget to include a blog link if you'd like it included.

Amy @ The Big Fat Hurt

I didn't weigh myself today, but I did find a pretty picture of a unicorn.

Friday, June 22, 2012

More Signs You Have a Bad Personal Trainer

• Chain smokes during entire session

• Speaks to you in language he made up himself

• Spends an hour working on your “shintoid” muscles

• Keeps asking “Does that dude look like an undercover cop?”

• Sits on your stomach and trims his toenails while you’re doing bench presses

• Relieves himself in corner behind the elliptical

• Wants you to do set of five “Fire Alarm Pulls”

• Yanks your pants down while you’re trying to chin-ups

• Finishes every sentence with “according to the prophecy”

• His “kettlebell” is a grapefruit with a duct-tape handle

• Offers to be paid with “clean urine”.

• Counts “1…2…8…9… 10!”

Office party tonight... heaven knows what scale will say tomorrow...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Good. Gooder. Bestest.

GOOD: You walked a mile on the treadmill.
GOODER: You ran a 5K on the treadmill.
BESTEST: You made it to the end of the treadmill.

GOOD: You buy lots of produce at the grocery store.
GOODER: You buy organic produce at the grocery store.
BESTEST: You grow your own vegetables in your bathtub.

GOOD: A co-worker commented on your weight loss.
GOODER: A friend you haven’t seen in a while is shocked how great you look.
BESTEST: Your mother makes you show her some ID.

GOOD: You’re taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
GOODER: You’re biking to work instead of driving.
BESTEST: You’re doing an Ironman triathalon instead of going to staff meeting.

GOOD: Salad for lunch.
GOODER: Salad for dinner.
BESTEST: Salad for breakfast.

GOOD: You do 50 situps every day.
GOODER: You do 50 situps every hour.
BESTEST: You never stop doing situps.

GOOD: You do yoga, pilates or Zumba.
GOODER: You do yoga, pilates and Zumba
BESTEST: You do yoga, pilates and Zumba, all at the same time.

GOOD: You achieved your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.
GOODER: You exceeded your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.
BESTEST: Your activity level melted your heart rate monitor.

GOOD: You feel comfortable being in public in a swimsuit.
GOODER: You feel comfortable being in public in a bikini.
BESTEST: Hello, nude beach!

GOOD: You’ve lost 20 lbs.
GOODER: You’ve lost 20% of your starting weight.
BESTEST: You’ve lost the bad habits that got you in trouble in the first place.

Summer rerun.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

More, More, More Weight Loss Nursery Rhymes

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I’m struggling, I’m aching.
My weight loss plan’s stagnating.
I ate too much,
I feel like sludge.
My future I’m forsaking.

I’m peaking, improving.
I’ve got my poor bod moving.
I’m eating right,
My pant’s less tight.
Bad habit’s I am losing.

Lucy Losing’s Been Reducing 

Lucy Losing’s been reducing.
Jackie Sh*t has not been.

Lucy’s head is held up high,
While Jack’s still got a triple chin.

Yesterday Upon the Scale

Yesterday upon the scale 

I saw a weight that make me wail.

And so I changed the things I do.
Today I saw a loss. Woo hoo!

This Little Piggy Went To Market

This little piggy

Went to market
This little piggy

Shopped smart. 

This little piggy

Looked at junk food.
This little piggy

Said "No!"
And this little piggy cried,

"Wee, wee, wee, wee, 
I ain’t no piggy no mo.”

Run-A-Mile, Run-A-Mile

Run-a-mile, run-a-mile joggin’ man.
Run me a mile as fast as you can.
Run it and log it, even if it made you retch
And when it’s all over, don’t forget to stretch.

Fair-a Jack Sh*t

Are you eating?

Are you eating?

Brother Jack
Brother Jack

Weigh-in Day is coming
Weigh-in Day is coming


Dumb Ding-Dong.

Dumb Ding-Dong.

Peter Popper

Peter Popper popped a pack of Dr. Pepper;

A pack of Dr. Pepper Peter Popper popped;.
Cuz Peter Popper popped a pack of Dr. Pepper 

Peter Popper found that he had consumed 900 empty calories without abating his hunger whatsoever.

One, two, three, four... I lost an ounce or more.
Five, six, seven, eight... left those French fries on my plate.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Too-Tight Waistband

I’ve eaten my fill.
Pigged out on my meals.
I ate until my pants were poppin’. 

It’s high time I diet
Start eatin’ right.
And get my weight to start to droppin’


Don't eat too much.

Put down that fudge.

You’ve got a too-tight waistband.

C’mon, get on board.
Your health can’t be ignored.
Put all those cookies
Back onto the platter.

The exit plan is here.
Go pour out all that beer.
Let’s get it together.
Before we get much fatter.

Too-tight wasteband.

You’ve got a  too-tight waistband.

Too-tight waistband, oh yeah.

Too-tight waistband.

What a waste!

Out here on the streets,
I’m moving my feets.
I am into healthy living.
I don't need fast food.
It makes my belly protrude.
I just need to not give in.

Don't wait
Don't clean your plate
It's only a too-tight waistband.

Buddy, take my cue.

Do like Jackie do.

Start up the fire,

And burn pounds off your rear end.

Your new life starts today.
Watching what you weigh.

We got it together together.

Way to go, my dear friend.

Too-tight waistband.

It's only a too-tight waistband.
Too-tight waistband, oh yeah.

Too-tight waistband.

We’re less waisted!

How much do vitamins weigh?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Play Your Cards Right

I made this card one day
when I simply couldn't bear weighing in. 
Of course, it inspired a host of other similar cards...
Use them in good health.

Weigh myself on Father's Day? I don't think so...

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Worthwhile W.I.D.T.H.

Congrats are in order, because this is the one-millionth "Why I Do This Here" card I've received (actually, I stopped counting a long time ago, so I'm totally guesstimating about the 1,000,000), so mad props to everyone who's contributed a card and a hearty "You Suck!" to everyone who hasn't.

To get out of the "You Suck!" group (and frankly, you don't belong there, my friend), simply jot down a reason (or reasons) that you're on this weight loss or healthy living kick and shoot it over to me at Don't forget to include a blog link if you'd like it included (it's a great way to stir up extra traffic because my site gets over 1,000,000 visitors per day!*

*Yes, I'm guesstimating again. 

Bree @ On A Mission


Indian food is my curry-rptonite.

Friday, June 15, 2012

An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

• A rutabaga a week will improve your physique.

• A persimmon per second is too much, I reckon.

• A French fry each minute is what killed Tony Bennett.

• A peach pie per decade is fine if it’s homemade.

• A kumquat a year keeps your colon more clear.

• A mango per millennium will increase the value of your condominium.

• A dozen strawberries monthly makes your car seat more comfy.

•A papaya a quarter makes your workday grow shorter.

• A starfruit a decade keeps you as fit as a mermaid.

• A blueberry an hour fills your head with brain power.

• A plum each night makes your metabolism ignite.

• A peach bi-weekly makes you healthier completely.

I am on-track Jack!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Initiations for my Weight Loss Gang

• At least one drive-through shooting (that's where you drive by a drive through and shoot on past)


Slap lady at the grocery store who's handing out Cheese Whiz samples


Get tattoo that reads “Kalorie Killa”

• Split the veggie fajitas when we go to a Mexican restaurant

• In case of emergency, always carry a 9 mm beef jerky strip

• Go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and eat one cherry tomato

• Hang out at the corner drinking from 40-ounce water bottles

• Wear matching sweatbands at spin class

• Hook everybody up with guy that sells dime bag of multivitamins

• Pour out one wheatgrass shot for our unhealthy homies

• Greet everyone at yoga class with “Namaste, bitches.”

As Neil Armstrong said when he first set foot on the moon, "Man, I am super-light today!" 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Welcome to Corn Dog Warehouse

“Welcome to Corn Dog Warehouse, home of King Corng, the World’s Largest Man-Made Corn Dog. May I take your order?”

“Wow, that’s a mouthful. Do you have to say that to everyone?”

“Yes sir. Can I interest you a Colossal Corny Corn Dog Combo, it’s just $3.99.”

“Actually, I’m looking for something a little lighter…”

“How about our Junior Corndog Classic? It’s four feet of meat-and-cornmeal value meal deal.”

“Tempting… but I’m watching my diet.”

“Well, there’s our Crispy Cod Dog with a Candied Corn-on-the-Cob.”

“I don’t know…”

“It comes with our Bottomless Tub o’ Tartar.”

“That’s a no-go. Ummm, can you get the Whirly Curly Chili Cheese Fries without cheese?”

“No sir.”

“Why not?”

“Well, the fries are made of cheese.”

“Okay, do the Awesomely OuttaSite Onion Rings have onions in them?”

“Duh, they’re called Onion Rings…”

“But do they have onions in them?”

“Sir, they’re onion rings…”

“But if I cut off the crusty coating, will I find a ring of onion inside?”

“No sir.”

“What’s your soup de jour?”

“That’s our soup of the day.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Today’s soup is Cornball Classic.”

“I get the ‘corn,’ but what’s the ‘ball’?”

“Ummmm… a ball of lard.”

“Pass. Do you have anything even halfway healthy?”

“Sure, we’ve got the Corndog Warehouse Halfway Healthy Menu.”

“What’s on it?

“Wait, lemme check. Nobody’s ever ordered from it before. Okay… here we go. Salad-on-a-Stick.”

“That sounds tempting. What’s on it?”

“A lettuce leaf, cherry tomato, six croutons, four cheddar cheese chunks and two strips of crispy bacon, all arranged on a stick and then dipped in tangy ranch dressing.”

“Pass. What else’s on the Halfway Healthy menu?”

“Hmmmmm… Yogurt-on-a-Stick…”

“Sounds messy.”

“Yeah, I don’t recommend that one, even though it is non-dairy, ummmm…”

“What’s the Tofu-oot Long Special?”

“We discontinued that after that report that our tofu was actually made of tripe.”


“But we have started offering Fried Tripe Strips.”

“That’s it then, that’s everything that’s halfway healthy?”

“Well, we still offer our Meatless, Wheatless Eat Less Special.”

“That’s just a corn dog stick, isn’t it?”


“All right. Give me two. To go.”

“Would you like fries with that?”

 Summer re-run.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Healthy Father’s Day Gifts

• Tie made of beef jerky

True Guru - John Wayne’s instructional yoga video

• Bottle of diet Glenlivet

• New golf clubs that hit ball crooked to encourage additional walking

• “Natural Born Griller” apron

• Kettlebell made from Cival War cannonball

• No-wheel lawn mower

• Dinner at a restaurant that serves food he’ll really hate

• Workout loafers

• Soup-on-a-rope

 Somebody is on fire!

Monday, June 11, 2012

A Few More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of a Weight Watchers Meeting

• Greeting everyone you meet with “What up, my fatty from anotha daddy?”

• Weighing in in nothing but an apron and a pair of crocs.

• Setting a fire in your purse and roasting marshmallows over it for s’mores.

• Spending entire meeting making balloon animals, then slathering them with mustard and eating them.

• Dressing up in a lab coat and making everyone call you “Doctor Dietstein”.

• Insisting that you get a solo during the singing of the Weight Watcher's theme song.

• Doing continuous series of backflips on the scale.

• Telling anyone at the meeting Weight Watcher’s CEO David Kirchhoff’s deepest, darkest secret (he’s deathly afraid of fabric softener).

• Trying to pay with a giant novelty check.

• Continually asking leader “Who is your favorite blogger named ‘Jack’?”

Everything's coming up losses!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Ready, Set... Stagnate

Do you ever feel that way?

That you're geared up on Monday morning to fill your week with giant strides on your healthy living journey and... Somehow... Some way... You end up tripping over your own too-fat feet?

I do.

I love, love, love what I do here on this blig-bloggity-blog, and the fact that anybody else ever enjoys it half as much as I do is just the sugar-free icing on the fat-free cake.

However, I recognize that the scale and I haven't been fast friends of late.

Ever since I started weighing in and posting a number every day, I've actually gone in the wrong direction. Some of it has been circumstance and some has been just not doing all the things I need to do in order to be successful. And I think the food needs to take a little bit of the responsibility for being so damned delicious...

I thought about discontinuing The Daily Scaley and trying something else ("Getting Less-Chunky Bi-Monthly" or "Not More of Me Quarterly"), because, frankly, that lack of success is making me mad and a little bit embarrassed.

Then it occurs to me that a little anger and humiliation might be the push I need to get this choo-choo train chugging again.

My wonderful wife Anita and I were stuck in a security line at some airport a while back when we noticed this really sour-faced elderly woman. She was obviously ticked off and was rolling her eyes and harummphing quite a bit until she finally caught sight of her husband, a frail-looking gentleman loaded down with all their luggage. She shrieked at him to hurry up, to quit being such a laggard (I think she actually used the word "laggard"), and I felt a swell of pity for this weak-willed gentleman who seemed to be saddled with a domineering, hateful spouse.

When he finally shuffled up to where she stood, the woman fixed him with a  grim grimace and was about to berate him some more when he spoke up in a clear, calm and strong voice: "Awww, shut up, ya old bitch!"

My point? Maybe at first glance it looks as though I need help. Maybe you'll feel a little pity for my sob-blob story.

But I'm stronger than I look and smarter than I blog.

And I've got something to say to my scale...

Game on.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

W.I.D.T.H. Way Did He Go?

Losing weight is almost always focused on the "how"... how to change your diet, how to incorporate more exercise into your day, how to create healthy habits to replace your habit of sitting on the sofa and watching some silly singing show with your hand trying to reach halfway down a can of Pringles...

Anyway, I've always been more interested in the "why"... why you or me or her or him are doing the things we're doing. Because at the end of the day, the "how" doesn't work if the "why" isn't compelling enough.

I started this series a couple of years back, and there's a link somewhere on this site that includes loads of folks' contributions to the question of "Why I Do This Here." It's pretty strong stuff, and I still go through them from time to time for a quick hit of inspiration.

If you'd like to send me your reason, well... just do it. Jot down a note and figure out some way to electronically transmit it to me at and we'll be good to go. Oh, and be sure to include a bloggy link if you'd like it included. 


Something must be wrong with scale... it's not being so much of a bitch today.


Related Posts with Thumbnails