Monday, February 18, 2013


Nothing annoys me more than a blogger than just drops off the scene without notice.

Well, I suppose people who chew with their mouths open annoy me more.

And  the who drive too close behind me, that annoys the absolute crap out of me.

And dog owners who don’t clean up after their dogs (wait… I’m one of those non-clean-uppers… IT’S JUST DOG CRAP, PEOPLE!

And telemarketers.

And brown-nosers.

And people who can’t park properly.

And non-handicapped people who park in handicapped parking spaces and then drive little scooters around the store.

And one more thing annoys the hell out of me: when life and work get out-of-control busy and blogging starts feeling  like just a really bad-paying job.


I’m taking a month or so off to try to get everything back in balance.

But don’t think I’m losing my healthy mindset, even though I did eat three Dove ice cream bars while writing this post.


No goodbyes.


Ta ta for now.

Blog at ya later, alligator.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

More, More, More Healthy Valentine's Day Gifts

• An aphrodisiac that also contains acidophilus

• Heart-shaped box of salad

• A no-piece swimsuit

• Chocolate-covered fish oil capsules

• Side-by-side sit-ups while listening to Ravel’s Balero

• Really raw pumpkin seeds

• Jeweled heart-rate monitor

• Cute stuffed teddy bear that, when you pull string in the back, shrieks at you with Jillian’s voice to do push-ups

• Dinner and a movie and a half-marathon

• Strip tease while doing elliptical

Monday, February 11, 2013

More Health Tips for Pregnant Ladies

• Don’t run a marathon after your water breaks.

• Though it sounds like it would be a time-saver, don’t take a month full of pre-natal vitamins at one time.

• Don't smoke or allow yourself to be exposed to secondhand, thirdhand or fourthhand smoke (a little fifthhand smoke never hurt anybody).

• DHA deficiency is very common and it is critical that pregnant women get adequate fish oils so that their baby can develop healthy and optimal brain tissue, so make sure you get plenty of oily fish in your diet.

• Pesticides on food is not healthy for your unborn child, so resist the urge to spray a bunch of pesticides on your food before eating.

• Adequate folic acid early in a baby's development helps prevent neurological defects such as spina bifida, which is apparently a real thing and not an 80’s hair band.

• Avoid sugar-free junk foods and junk-free sugar foods.

• If you’re planning to breast-feed, do not get the face of a scary monster tattooed on your boob.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Red Light. Green Light.

So there I was, sitting in my car at a busy intersection, and it got me thinking about how the situation kind of reflected my weight loss efforts.

I sat there, watching cars take off in all directions, all with different destinations in mind. To me, the cacophony of traffic represented all the diversions and distractions in my life, the things that pull me away from what I’m trying to accomplish.

I gazed deeply at the red light, thinking about how it symbolized the circumstances that slow down my progress, keep me from attaining my goals.

The changing traffic lights convey the start-and-stop nature of my journey, how some weeks I feel like I’m going full speed, other times my progress grinds to a complete halt.

And the people honking like crazy and that person behind me yelling “Go, you f*cking idiot!”… they represent the factors in my life that are pushing to keep me going forward, even if I’m not always thrilled with the way they get their message across. But I’ll admit it: sometimes you need a little tough love to get you moving in the right direction.

So I guess that’s the thought I’ll leave you with here today…

“Go, you f*cking idiot! Go!”

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Tips for Dealing with the Flu

• Do not get a flu shot; get a flu prevention shot instead.

• Wash your hands, or at the very least, lick them clean.

• Kids can spread germs by passing around toys, so teach your child to never, ever share.

• It’s hard to tell if infants have the flu because they can’t describe exactly what symptoms they’re feeling, so concentrate on teaching your baby to talk.

• You can prevent dehydration by hydrating, dumbass.

• Throw away used tissues instead of shoving them back in the tissue box.

• When you call in sick to work, emphasize that you’re “really” sick this time.

• Introduce a good probiotic with a minimum 14 billion live organisms (make sure that you count them out yourself; 13.9 billion live organisms is just a waste of everybody’s time). 

• Since influenza infects your respiratory, or breathing, system, you shouldn’t blame the flu if you get nausea, vomiting or diarrhea. You can blame that on my cooking.

• When you begin exhibiting flu-like symptoms, start taking medicine-like medicine.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Then Join ‘Em… And Then Beat ‘Em!

Tried eating more and exercising less, and that didn’t work.

So I tried exercising less and eating more and that didn’t work either.

Tried exercising little more, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Tried eating little less, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Now I’m gonna try not eating more anymore and not exercising less anymore.

More less-eating.

Less exercising  less.

Less more-eating.

More exercising more.

I think that about covers it…

Last weigh-in: 241.0 lbs.
Loss: --

Friday, February 1, 2013

Healthiness Is...

...running up a flight of stairs without having to stop and utter the phrase "I think I'm gonna die" multiple times.

... getting as excited going to the farmers market as you used to get going to Baskin-Robbins.

...forgetting exactly how an elevator works.

...weighing yourself without shouting "You bitch!" at the scale.

...peace of mind that comes with the knowledge that you'll easily be able to outrun the filthy undead after Zombie Apocalypse.

...breakfast cereal that doesn't glow in the dark.

...a pair of worn-out running shoes.

...running to the end of the treadmill.

...vegetables in a smoothie!

...getting a good night's sleep instead of playing "Bejeweled" until 2 a.m.

...literally jumping for joy.


Related Posts with Thumbnails