Monday, February 19, 2018

Girth Just Ain't Any Fun




--> I’m starin’ hard in the refrigerator light.
My wife asks when you gonna get your diet right.
Jackie dear, you’re on an unfortunate run.
And girth just ain’t any fun.
Oh, girth just ain’t any fun.

 
Sorry, I haven't forgotten about this space, but I'm afraid I've forgotten how a scale works. Do you just hold it in your hands? Press it against your forehead? I've tried everything!

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Health without All the Health Doodads

• Instead of an expensive heart rate monitor, simply make best friends with a nurse who'll check your numbers whenever you ask.

• Instead of buying a home treadmill, install a sidewalk that goes all around your neighborhood.

• Instead of buying expensive running shoes, simply try on some expensive running shoes and "accidentally" walk out wearing them (better be prepared to try those suckers out soon depending on alertness of security guard).

• Instead of purchasing an expensive juicer, try beating the hell out of whatever you want to juice with a heavy mallet.

• Instead of taking a Segway around the running track, try running on your own two legs.

• Instead of buying expensive bicycling suit that makes you look ridiculous, simply cover your body with fluorescent spray paint in ridiculous design.

• Instead of purchasing bottled water try filling a bottle with water, dumbass.

• Instead of joining a fitness center, make your entire world the center of fitness.

Instead of buying fresh, organic fruits and vegetables, try having a generous friend with a garden full of fresh, • organic fruits and vegetables

• Instead of buying expensive Greek yogurt, try Greeking up some regular yogurt.

• Instead of reading my blog on the Internet, sign up for Jumpin' Jack's Health Facts Fax.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Be Your Bestest!


GOOD: You walked a mile on the treadmill.
GOODER: You ran a 5K on the treadmill.
BESTEST: You made it to the end of the treadmill.

GOOD: You buy lots of produce at the grocery store.
GOODER: You buy organic produce at the grocery store.
BESTEST: You grow your own vegetables in your bathtub.

GOOD: A co-worker commented on your weight loss.
GOODER: A friend you haven’t seen in a while is shocked how great you look.
BESTEST: Your mother makes you show her some ID.

GOOD: You’re taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
GOODER: You’re biking to work instead of driving.
BESTEST: You’re doing an Ironman triathalon instead of going to staff meeting.

GOOD: Salad for lunch.
GOODER: Salad for dinner.
BESTEST: Salad for breakfast.

GOOD: You do 50 situps every day.
GOODER: You do 50 situps every hour.
BESTEST: You never stop doing situps.

GOOD: You do yoga, pilates or Zumba.
GOODER: You do yoga, pilates and Zumba
BESTEST: You do yoga, pilates and Zumba, all at the same time.

GOOD: You achieved your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.
GOODER: You exceeded your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.
BESTEST: Your activity level melted your heart rate monitor.

GOOD: You feel comfortable being in public in a swimsuit.
GOODER: You feel comfortable being in public in a bikini.
BESTEST: Hello, nude beach!

GOOD: You’ve lost 20 lbs.
GOODER: You’ve lost 20% of your starting weight.
BESTEST: You’ve lost the bad habits that got you in trouble in the first place.


Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Something to Bear in Mind...

Two men where hiking one day out in the forest.

Suddenly, they came across a bear.

One man took off his pack, pulled out a pair of running shoes, and started to put them on. The friend frantically cried out, “You can't outrun that bear.”

“I don't need to,” the other man calmly replied. I only need to outrun you.”

Upon hearing this plan, the man whipped a lead pipe out of his pack and cracked it against his buddy’s knees, then took off running.

Moral of the story: it’s okay to have a plan, but you don’t need to run your mouth about it before you enact it.



Secret weight loss moral of the story:  Don’t tell people that you’re on a diet; do it and let them take notice when the results kick in. Also, don’t mess with bears.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Healthy Halloween “Treats”

• This Can’t Be Butterfingers

  Kit-Kale bar

• Raisinots (Raisinets without the chocolate covering)

• No-candy corn

• Atomic Figballs

• Almond Joyless (just a bunch of raw almonds)

• Good & Not-So-Plenty

• Health bar

  Skim Milky Way

  1 Muskateer bar

 Bit-O-Hominy

• Sugar-free Sugar Babies

• Caramel apple with the caramel scrapped off


-->
• Everfasting No-Snackers

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