Monday, December 23, 2013

Baby, It's Cold At My Gym

I really can't go.
Jackie, it’s time to work out.
Just stubbed my big toe.
Jackie, you gotta work out.
I think that I’ve contracted
Been hoping that you won’t skip out.
A case of rabies
Look at your muscles; they're just like a baby’s.
I didn’t bring the right pants, see?
C’mon Jack, don’t be a pansy.
I think I might be catching a cold.
Your excuses are sure gettin’ old.
I don’t have good shoes.
Really now, what’s there to lose?
Well, maybe just ten minutes or so.
I’ll grab my keys, get ready to go.
The trainers might laugh.
Jackie, let’s start our workout.
What’s this? Two pounds and a half?
Let’s keep working out.
I wish I knew how
You’re breaking a sweat now.
To break a sweat.
Look at your shirt, you’re soaking wet.
I ought to do some sets of squats
For you, two’d be considered “lots”.
I can’t lift that much… hey, I tried
No wonder that your ass is so wide.
I really can't stay
Jackie, just hold out
(Both) Ahh but it’s a great workout.
I’m glad that I’m here.
Oh Jackie, look at you workin’ out.
Time for a beer!
But Jackie, that’d waste your workout .
This workout has been
How lucky that we got you in.
Almost an hour.
More like 40 minutes (including your shower).
My wife will be suspicious
Probably thinks this workout’s ficticious.
My muscles will be achin’ and sore
Wouldn’t happen if you’d work out some more.
My arms feel like overcooked noodles
Your muscles are as big as a poodles’.
Well, maybe just a couple sets more…
That’s what we came here for!

I've got to get fit.
But Jackie you’re a long way from there.
Get outta this pit.
Gotta climb to get up out of there!
You've helped me a ton.
Glad I could help, but it wasn’t much fun.
I’ve gotta go pee.
Why can’t you do this like me?
I’m bound to be hurtin’ tomorrow.
In that outfit, you look just like Charo 
Thanks for not being too critical. 
Sorry for laughin’ when you fell off the elliptical.
I’m glad that I went.
I’m never taking you back.
(Both) Ahhh but it was a great….workout!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Is Santa Really White and Fat?

MEGYN KELLY: Have you heard about this piece that says Santa Claus shouldn't be a white man anymore? Or this really dumb blog post by this guy named Jack that says he shouldn’t be portrayed as fat?

JACK: Hey, I’m sitting right here, y’know…

KELLY: Yet another person saying it's racist to have a white Santa or fat-shaming to have a chunky Santa. By the way, for the kids at home, Santa just is white and his ass is bigger than a VW bug, but these people are arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa and maybe a physically fit Santa. Santa is what he is and we are debating this because… well, it’s a slow news day.

JACK:  I know it goes against tradition, but wouldn’t it be nice for kids to see a Santa that took care of his body, who didn’t make his magic reindeer nearly have a stroke carting him around the world? Wouldn’t it be inspirational to see a St. Nick that could slide down the chimney with room to spare? White, black… I don’t really care.

JEDEDIAH BILA, Fox News contributor: She wants Santa to be inclusive. I had the same reaction. Initially I was thinking this is more politically correct nonsense, hyper-sensitivity in the culture. You realize if you were a young African-American kid and your Santa Claus was white, maybe you wouldn't feel a part of the tradition. She suggested a penguin should be Santa.

KELLY: I don't like to bad-mouth people, but she's nuttier than squirrel poo.

BILA: It's interesting to have an animal which is something that kids love, brings the cartoonish quality into it and makes kids feel welcome in the process.

KELLY: No, no.

BILA: I see where she was going.

JACK: Penguins carry a lot of belly fat. It has something to do with something Morgan Freeman said in that penguin movie.

BILA: Kids like penguins.

KELLY: I have given her due on where she was going with it. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change. Jesus was a white man, too. He was a historical figure. That's a verifiable fact -- as is Santa. I want the kids to know that. How do you revise it in the middle of the legacy of the story and change Santa from white to black. And then there’s Jack’s problem with the physical fitness nonsense.

MONICA CROWLEY, Fox News contributor: You can't. First of all, the penguin never would work. A penguin cannot do lunges. It’s physically impossible with their tiny little legs.

JACK: And what about bicep curls? They don’t even have biceps?

CROWLEY: You're right. Santa Claus is based on St. Nicholas who was a person, a Greek bishop, a white man who was terribly obese.

KELLY: Look. How can he be alienating?

CROWLEY: How cute is he? You can't take facts and try to change them to fit some kind of political agenda or sensitivity agenda.

KELLY: Jack, quick last word.

JACK: I think that it's fine for Santa to be represented as a tradition white man, but I also think that if people want to represent him as an African-American male, a drag queen,  a serial killer, even somebody who enjoys reading my blog. 

KELLY: You had to go there.

JACK: I don't think a society going to break up if people see a fit and trim Santa. See, here’s Santa with Michael Phelps' body
KELLY: Well, if he’s gonna look like that, we’re going to want to see him more than once a year. Wowza!

Monday, December 16, 2013

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

• Dammit! Didn't realize ten 100-calorie packs would be 1,000 calories!

• Dammit! Thought I'd filled bottle with zero-calorie Gatorade but it turned out to be raspberry sno-cone syrup!

• Dammit! Thought I was being smart by going with discount food-tracking app, but turns out that it counts 2-gallon jar of chunky peanut butter as 7 calories!

• Dammit! Pre-paid for six weeks of personal training from guy who doesn't know what a bicep curl is!

• Dammit! Turns out my 5k trail is actually .5k!

• Dammit! Did 35 minutes on the stationary treadmill and didn't even break a sweat!

• Dammit! Nobody ever told me you're not supposed to have feet on the ground when doing chin-ups!

• Dammit! Promised to cut back on alcohol before I realized that "vodka" was alcohol!

• Dammit! I've already broken several of my New Year's resolutions!

• Dammit! Nobody thought this blog post was an entertaining as I did!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rise & Shine Time - Strategies to Motorvate Your Mornings

• You can make getting out of bed in the morning easier if you can learn to sleep standing up. 

• Call me a bad parent if you want to, but I’ve found that one way to get kids moving faster in the morning is to threaten to beat the everlasting crap out of them.

• Hate to get in a cold car in the morning? Just start it up the night before and let it run all night. 

• Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and realize that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day for your live-in maid to get all the chores you assign her done.

• Listen to me, Science:  it’s a fork with toothbrush bristles built right on it. C’mon, do I gotta invent everything?

• Enjoy fresh-squeezed OJ but feel like you don’t have the time? Try throwing a few peeled oranges into a blender, then putting your mouth over the top and flipping the switch.

• Instead of hitting your alarm clock with a hammer, try hitting it with a mallet. 

• Starting your day with an two hours of meditation and quiet reflection will give you the peace of mind to accept the fact that… oh crap… you’re RUNNING SO FREAKIN’ LATE. 

• An easy way to make toast is to use a toaster, dumbass.

• Looking to save time? Simply fill your mouth with instant coffee and then pour in boiling water.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Don't Ya Wanta, Wanta Mantra?

• If you're tired of rowing, just keep going.

• Attack that elliptical with an effort that's biblical.

• Work that bike, or your Facebook fan page I'll unlike.

• Don't cuss your personal trainer, you complainin' complainer.

• If you eat a whole casserole, an angel will lose his soul.

• Crunches in bunches is better than bunches of lunches.

• If you keep eating food fried, you'll end up like Bonnie & Clyde.

• You'll feel much better if you be a sweat-sweater.

• Do lots of lats or you'll look like Lester Flatt.

• Running on the treadmill will make you feel better than eating a loaf of bread will.

• Order the whole menu and I'm gonna unfriend you.

• The easiest part of a run is once you've begun.

• If you work out daily, you won't feel so whale-y.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Romantic Novels for the Healthy-Living Crowd

Hungry for Love 
by Anna Recksiek

A Red Hot Affair with the Candyman

 by Bess Eaton

Lust in the Lockerroom 
by Earl Lee Riser

A Recipe for Ecstasy 
by Russell Sprout

Really Hot Yoga: Downward Doggy-Style 
by Ben Dover 

Low-Fat Arousal 
by Eddie Bull

I Desperately Want You, But I’ve Still Got 20 Minutes on the Elliptical

by Howie Doohan

Too Much Passion, Too Many Calories 
by Marsha Mellow

I Lost Enough for Him to Sweep Me Off My Feet
by Kenya Dewit

Silk Stockings and Worn-Out Running Shoes 
by Ophelia Payne

The Rendezvous Without Fondue 
by Eaton Wright and Liv Good

To My Health’s Desire 
by Brock Lee

Low-Fat Infatuation 
by Chris Coe

Salmon Chanted Evening
by Al K. Seltzer

Deep Lunges with My Personal Trainer 
by Tad Moore

A Date with Density 
by Chris P. Bacon

Romance and Tight Pants
by Hugh Jass

No More Screwing Around (Well, Except for You-Know-What) 
by Walter Melon

Pre-Weigh Foreplay
by Brighton Early

A Little Amour, A Little-a Less 
by Biff Wellington

Things Are About to Get Really Spicy (Since I Learned That Cooking With Cayenne Pepper Dramatically Increases Metabolism) 

by Jack Tupp

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Cooking with Jack: Sweet-Ass Potato Pie

Hello ladies. I'm Jack from the world-famous interweb cooking show "Cooking with Jack". Something is wrong with my laptop's camera, so (though you may not be able to tell it), I'm using replacement images to illustrate my rendition of TV cooking star Alton Brown's rendition of  "Sweet Potato Pie".

First, grab a couple of sweet potatoes. Speaking of which, a bonafide miracle happened to me one time. I found a sweet potato that looked exactly like a regular potato and tasted exactly like a regular potato. I wanted to contact the news stations, but my wife Anita insisted that a regular potato had just fallen into the sweet potato bin. That woman simply doesn't believe in miracles! Anyway, peel and cube those suckers...

...and then place them in a steampunk basket with simmering water that is no closer than two inches from the bottom of basket. Wait, I read that wrong. Use a steam basket instead; that'll probably shave some time off this recipe since you won't have to scour eBay like I did.

Steam those bad boys over medium high-low heat for about 20 minutes, until they get nice and tender. Then take them from the stove and mash them. If at all possible, use a funny novelty masher. 

The process should look something like this... 

Preheat oven to this many degrees.

 Now you'll want to get a mixer and start adding in the other ingredients.

Add oen and one-fourth cups plain yogurt.

Three-quarters cup of packed, dark brown sugar.

 Five egg yolks (preferably from chicken eggs).

Toss in 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon.

Add 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg (did you know this is where nutmeg comes from?
I thought it just came from the grocery store).

Dash (or dashlet) of salt. Before Biblical Judaism ceased to exist, salt was mixed with animal sacrifices. This originated from Moses in Leviticus 2:13 which states: "Whatsoever sacrifice thou offerest, thou shalt season it with salt, neither shalt thou take away the salt of the covenant of they God from they sacrifice In all thy oblations thous shalt offer salt. It's pretty good in pie, too."

Beat it. Beat it until smooth.

Now at this point, I would tell you to make a pastry shell, but Alton and I know just how lazy you are, so take one (9-inch) deep dish frozen pie shell. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Anyway, pour your batter into the pie shell and place onto a sheet pan. If you don't have a sheet pan, you can substitute a bedspread pan. 

Sprinkle the top with one cup of chopped and toasted pecans.
And don't call them "pea-cans"; I hate that!

 Drizzle a tablespoon or so of maple syrup over the top.

Bake for 50 to 55 minutes or until the custard reaches 165 to 180 degrees (just stick your finger in there and see if it's 165-180 degrees). Take out and let cool.

If you did everything right right, it should look like this after your family sees it...

 Next on "Cooking with Jack": probably something with dogs (no, not dog recipes, you freak!). And as Alton Brown says at the end of every show, "Peace out, girl scout!" (I'm guessing there because I may not have ever seen it). 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Some of Me

Some of me.
Why not lose 
Some of me?
Can't you see
I'm so good when I’m fit.
Arms and legs, 
It’s time to use them.
Sweatpants to church,
It’s time to lose them.
My good diet
Leads me to 
Shirts less tight
And I know
Deep down
A life more healthy.
I’ll feel so great 
Without all this weight
So why not lose some of me?

Monday, November 25, 2013

I Am Your Healthy T'giving Helper Guy

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Avoid These Unhealthy Thanksgiving Dishes

• Roasted Marshmallow Casserole topped with Roasted Marshmallows

• Mashed Potatoes smothered in Hot Fudge Gravy

• Cranberry Vodka Sauce

• Macaroni & Cheese & Cheese

• Butter Rolls (rolls that have actually been carved out of butter)

• Crisco Au Gratin

• Candy Corn Pudding

• Fried Fresh Fruit

• Green Beer Casserole

• Stuffing Stuffed with Extra Stuffing

• Pumpkin Pie topped with a scoop of Pecan Pie ala Mode

Monday, November 18, 2013

Jack's Product Ruff-views

 I don't know of anybody who's more of a multi-tasking multi-tasker than me. Yet somehow I get farther and farther behind in reviewing products that companies send me to review. So I'm taking time out of my busy, busy, busy day to do some reviewing. I hope you appreciate it!

I will be using the patent-pending Jack Sh*t Ruff-view Pup-O-Meter™ to rate these products. It's really pretty simple: I use a sliding scale of one to five puppies. Something that is rated one puppy is simply horrible...

Such as plain yogurt...

...or anything prepared with cilantro.

And five puppies represents the perfect foodstuff. Such as.... hmmmmm... come to think of it, I don't think I've ever had a five-puppy food. Maybe today's the day! 

 A few weeks ago, Kobaya sent me a few bags of their roasted-in-the-shell almonds, along with a sheet of all the health benefits. At least I seem to remember a sheet of health benefits...

 Kobaya starts with California almonds, then ships them to Japan and does some kabuki-style magic to boost their flavor (they come in wasabi, black pepper or almond flavor), and then ship them back to me in the USA. These are some ocean-crossin' nuts! 

The Kobaya process involves coating each almond with premium rice flour, applied by hand, so that the roasted almonds can be produced with new flavors and seasonings. Hey Kobaya, while you're at it can you go ahead and shell them for me?

 They provide nutritional information on the back of the package, just like every other foodstuff sold everywhere you look. 

 Not bad! The Wasabi flavor could have been a little more wasabi-y, but these don't have that chemically taste of some flavored almonds I could name.

I give Kobaya Roasted-in-Shell Wasabi Flavor Almonds a solid three-puppy rating. Great job!

Did you know Vitatops are coming out with a new Wild Blueberry flavor? Probably, because it's been at least six weeks since they sent me a "snack peek" at the new flavor. You guys rock, Vitatop!

I've seen these in stores now, so my procrastination pays off for you; I won't get you all worked up over a product you can't get yet. Dammit, that would have been really fun!

All Vitalicious products are Kosher certified and all natural with no artificial additives or preservatives. At least I'm assuming that's true since I just cut and pasted the sentence from their web site. 

Ingredients and nutritional info on back? Check!

Nice blueberry muffiny taste and texture and helps me take my mind off all the spider webs up in that corner. Need to quit being so lazy and write a note to the housekeeper to take care of that. 

Vitatops Wild Blueberry snacks rate a stellar four puppies! 

 Next up are a bevvy of frozen desserts from the good folks at Arctic Zero. To be honest, I had picked up a carton at the grocery store awhile back and had tossed most of it in the trash after everyone in the family gave it a thumbs down. I didn't recognize the name on the email query and was surprised when the large box showed up on my doorstep.

Arctic Zero's goal was to create "a low calorie dessert that would allow families to indulge in their frozen sweet tooth cravings without sacrificing a healthy lifestyle." 

 First up: chocolate mint. It has a very... what's the word I'm looking for?... oh yeah... atrocious flavor.

Chocolate peanut butter? 


I have never been so sad. My eyes say I'm eating ice cream but my brain is screaming "Why are you punishing me?"

Pretty sure this is what utter despair tastes like.

Toss my Cookies and Cream.

Ummmm...Strawberry isn't half bad. Reminds me of that Nestle Quik drink I liked as a kid...

Hmmmm... usually I prefer food on a stick, but this is highly disappointing.

 The back asks if I "can resist the urge to eat the entire pint"
Ummmmm... yeah. 

 I seriously considered only giving the Arctic Zero frozen dessert line one puppy, but they also sent a bag of dry ice which seriously rocks. Thanks, Arctic Zero!

Disclaimers: I was not paid for reviewing these products, and hardly any puppies were harmed in the making of this post.


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