Rise & Shine Time - Strategies to Motorvate Your Mornings

• You can make getting out of bed in the morning easier if you can learn to sleep standing up. 

• Call me a bad parent if you want to, but I’ve found that one way to get kids moving faster in the morning is to threaten to beat the everlasting crap out of them.

• Hate to get in a cold car in the morning? Just start it up the night before and let it run all night. 

• Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and realize that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day for your live-in maid to get all the chores you assign her done.

• Listen to me, Science:  it’s a fork with toothbrush bristles built right on it. C’mon, do I gotta invent everything?

• Enjoy fresh-squeezed OJ but feel like you don’t have the time? Try throwing a few peeled oranges into a blender, then putting your mouth over the top and flipping the switch.

• Instead of hitting your alarm clock with a hammer, try hitting it with a mallet. 

• Starting your day with an two hours of meditation and quiet reflection will give you the peace of mind to accept the fact that… oh crap… you’re RUNNING SO FREAKIN’ LATE. 

• An easy way to make toast is to use a toaster, dumbass.

• Looking to save time? Simply fill your mouth with instant coffee and then pour in boiling water.

Rise and Re-Shine: More Healthy Morning Strategies

• Fried eggs are healthier if you don't fry them.

• To get more sleep, try going to bed the night before.

• Organization is the key to a stress-free morning, so go alphabetize your spice rack RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.

• Main benefit to early morning workout is that it's fairly easy to convince yourself you're just having a bad nightmare.

• You can make your own goose down pillow by filling a pillowcase with goose down, dumbass.

• Read a motivational quotation every morning (here, I'll give you one for today: "Every minute brings you that much closer to death"... well, hopefully you can find a better one than that on your own).

• Take a baby aspirin each morning to significantly reduce your risk of a heart attack. I'll tell you what, go ahead and take a teenage aspirin, an adult aspirin and a little old lady aspirin, too. You just can't be too careful with all that heart attack business.

• There's no better way to rid yourself of morning breath than a couple of squirts of Fabreze Hawaiian Aloha fabric refresher.

• Instead of a depressing newspaper, let's start the morning by reading one of our favorite blogs *hint hint*.

THE DAILY SCALEY

  

Call me Puddin Tame, hopped on the scale and weighed just the same.