Friday, February 27, 2015

Yankee Doodle Fatty

Jackie Doodie went to town,
Sad about his bigness.
Decided to visit a buffet,
And put it out of business.
Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jackie Doodie, fatty.
Keep on chowing down like that,
And life will end quite badly.

Jackie Doodie went on a diet,
Cut back on snacks and candy.
Lost a bunch of weight, by God,
And now he’s feelin’ dandy.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jack Doodie, healthy.
Keep on eating like you should
And your future’ll be more carefree.

Jackie Doodie went to the gym,
And ran upon the treadmill,
That’ll do more for your bod
That being overfed will.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jack Doodie, sweaty.
Running isn’t quite so tough

Without that big ol’ belly.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

“Grease” Is Not Necessarily the Word

Slimmer livin’, had me a blast.
Slimmer livin’, lost so much ass!
Met my foe: obesity.

Met my future: fit as can be.
Slimmer days,
They’re here to stay,

And, uh oh, those slimmer nights!

Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!

Tell me more, tell me more.
Are you better in bed?

Do it more, do it more.
Hey now… that’s what she said.

She looked at me, tightening my belt
She said to me, you look a smidgen more svelte.

Saved my life, now that I’m less obese.
Ask my wife, sex drive’s increased.
Slimmer bod, still kinda flawed,
And, uh oh, those slimmer nights.

Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!

Tell me more, tell me more
Hey, a gent doesn’t say.
Tell me more, tell me more
Just passed fifty-one shades of gray.

Feelin’ good, she thinks I’m hot stuff.
Oh my god, I’m dancin’ round in the buff.
We make out like a couple of teens
Snake is out, if you knows what I means.
Slimmer frame, that’s still my aim.
And, uh oh, those slimmer nights.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Tip to My Lou

• You can make healthy nachos by replacing chips with veggies and the melted cheese with low-fat salad dressing.

• Remember this rhyme: “Take your time and eat more slowly, and maybe you won’t look like a hockey goalie.”

• One way to use your smartphone to help you lose weight is to keep it in your mouth while you’re eating.

• Theres nothing healthier than a fresh Heath  bar  (wait... I meant theres nothing heathier than a fresh Heath bar ... my bad) 

• Eating celery actually burns more calories than you consume, so just constantly eat cele… hold on, that’s actually an activity in Hell, so might as well just wait; you’ll get to do that soon enough.

• To burn more calories, either add an extra five minutes to your cardio routine or deduct an extra five minutes from your afternoon nap.

• To encourage less sitting, replace your office chair with a giant land mine.

• If you’re on Twitter, get your tweeps to provide encouragement for you to meet your healthy living goals (and don’t call them “tweeps”– THEY HATE THAT!)

• The best time to weigh yourself is immediately after you’ve spent a week eating right and exercising.

Friday, February 20, 2015

New Wearable Fitness Solutions

• Socks that send you an email letting you know exactly how stinky your feet are.

 Pants with thigh patches that light up when you eat pie to show you where those extra calories are eventually going to wind up.

 Belt buckle that magnetically repels refrigerator door and stops you from being able to open it.

 Bracelet that dispenses a Skittle if your blood sugar gets too low or if you really feel like a Skittle.

 Cap that features a hat-rate monitor.

 iThong, which sends message to your phone letting you know whether or not you should be wearing a thong.

 Leg warmers that force you to riverdance for five minutes once per hour.

 Ring that emits piercing whistle any time you attempt to order at a fast-food drive-thru window.

 Scarf that doubles as an elliptical.

 Leopard-print robe that monitors exactly how freakin’ sexy you are in a leopard-print bathrobe. Raaaawwwwrrrrr!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Doze Were The Days

I can’t come by and sing you a lovely lullabye with my sweet, soothing voice, but I can offer you some useful tips to help you get a better night’s sleep. Sweet dreams!

• Turn off any sirens that may be going off in your bedroom.

• Some foods may help you fall asleep easier, including cereal, hummus or an Ambien sandwich.

 Getting in a little gentle, restorative yoga before you hit the sack can help put your mind at ease, steady your breath and remind you just how much you hate yoga.

 Don’t bring your electronics to bed, including smartphones, tablets and daiquiri-makers.

 Paint your bedroom wall a tranquil color and do not choose a wallpaper that features giant scary monsters.

 Try not to have a selfish spouse like I do; on cold nights, she always pushes all the quilts over onto my side of the bed. 

 Avoid alcohol at night unless you’re celebrating a special occasion such as a birthday, anniversary or you somehow managed to keep your kids alive another day.

Sometimes songs can get in your head, so don’t think about catchy songs like that “Cotton-Eyed Joe” one right before bedtime. You remember: “If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I'd been married long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?” NOW DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT ANY MORE!

   Getting in sync with your body’s natural sleep-wake cycle—your circadian rhythm—is one of the most important strategies for achieving if it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe, 
I'd been married long time ago.
Where did you come from? Where did you go?
 Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? DAMMIT!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Celebrate No-Fat Tuesday

• Jog topless and catch beads thrown at you.

• Eat a slice of a King (Rice)Cake.

• Move your azz to some jazz.

• Drink a Hurrican’t (that’s a “Hurricane” without the rum, juice or syrup).

• Wear a mask to the gym (come to think of it, that’s a good idea anytime… who is that guy that never wipes his sweat off the elliptical?).

• Make a voodoo doll of yourself and then make it do 100 crunches

• Have my famous “bean-ignet” (benignets made from heart-healthy pinto beans)

• Jump over puddles of vomit on Bourbon Street.

• Don’t do any of the stuff you normally do to celebrate Mardi Gras.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Your President’s Day Workout

Ab-raham Lincoln

Liftin’ B. Johnson


George W. Bush-ups

Woodrow Wilsquat

Calvin Coolunge

Franklin D. Kettlebell

George Bench-a-ton

Grover Curl-land

Rutherford B. Hops

Ulysses S. Groinstretch

James Burpee-nan

James K. Plank

Martin Van Bikin’

John Quad-sy Adams

James Mon-rowing Machine

Barack Extension Obama


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