Monday, November 25, 2013

I Am Your Healthy T'giving Helper Guy

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Avoid These Unhealthy Thanksgiving Dishes

• Roasted Marshmallow Casserole topped with Roasted Marshmallows

• Mashed Potatoes smothered in Hot Fudge Gravy

• Cranberry Vodka Sauce

• Macaroni & Cheese & Cheese

• Butter Rolls (rolls that have actually been carved out of butter)

• Crisco Au Gratin

• Candy Corn Pudding

• Fried Fresh Fruit

• Green Beer Casserole

• Stuffing Stuffed with Extra Stuffing

• Pumpkin Pie topped with a scoop of Pecan Pie ala Mode

Monday, November 18, 2013

Jack's Product Ruff-views

 I don't know of anybody who's more of a multi-tasking multi-tasker than me. Yet somehow I get farther and farther behind in reviewing products that companies send me to review. So I'm taking time out of my busy, busy, busy day to do some reviewing. I hope you appreciate it!

I will be using the patent-pending Jack Sh*t Ruff-view Pup-O-Meter™ to rate these products. It's really pretty simple: I use a sliding scale of one to five puppies. Something that is rated one puppy is simply horrible...

Such as plain yogurt...

...or anything prepared with cilantro.

And five puppies represents the perfect foodstuff. Such as.... hmmmmm... come to think of it, I don't think I've ever had a five-puppy food. Maybe today's the day! 

 A few weeks ago, Kobaya sent me a few bags of their roasted-in-the-shell almonds, along with a sheet of all the health benefits. At least I seem to remember a sheet of health benefits...

 Kobaya starts with California almonds, then ships them to Japan and does some kabuki-style magic to boost their flavor (they come in wasabi, black pepper or almond flavor), and then ship them back to me in the USA. These are some ocean-crossin' nuts! 

The Kobaya process involves coating each almond with premium rice flour, applied by hand, so that the roasted almonds can be produced with new flavors and seasonings. Hey Kobaya, while you're at it can you go ahead and shell them for me?

 They provide nutritional information on the back of the package, just like every other foodstuff sold everywhere you look. 

 Not bad! The Wasabi flavor could have been a little more wasabi-y, but these don't have that chemically taste of some flavored almonds I could name.

I give Kobaya Roasted-in-Shell Wasabi Flavor Almonds a solid three-puppy rating. Great job!

Did you know Vitatops are coming out with a new Wild Blueberry flavor? Probably, because it's been at least six weeks since they sent me a "snack peek" at the new flavor. You guys rock, Vitatop!

I've seen these in stores now, so my procrastination pays off for you; I won't get you all worked up over a product you can't get yet. Dammit, that would have been really fun!

All Vitalicious products are Kosher certified and all natural with no artificial additives or preservatives. At least I'm assuming that's true since I just cut and pasted the sentence from their web site. 

Ingredients and nutritional info on back? Check!

Nice blueberry muffiny taste and texture and helps me take my mind off all the spider webs up in that corner. Need to quit being so lazy and write a note to the housekeeper to take care of that. 

Vitatops Wild Blueberry snacks rate a stellar four puppies! 

 Next up are a bevvy of frozen desserts from the good folks at Arctic Zero. To be honest, I had picked up a carton at the grocery store awhile back and had tossed most of it in the trash after everyone in the family gave it a thumbs down. I didn't recognize the name on the email query and was surprised when the large box showed up on my doorstep.

Arctic Zero's goal was to create "a low calorie dessert that would allow families to indulge in their frozen sweet tooth cravings without sacrificing a healthy lifestyle." 

 First up: chocolate mint. It has a very... what's the word I'm looking for?... oh yeah... atrocious flavor.

Chocolate peanut butter? 


I have never been so sad. My eyes say I'm eating ice cream but my brain is screaming "Why are you punishing me?"

Pretty sure this is what utter despair tastes like.

Toss my Cookies and Cream.

Ummmm...Strawberry isn't half bad. Reminds me of that Nestle Quik drink I liked as a kid...

Hmmmm... usually I prefer food on a stick, but this is highly disappointing.

 The back asks if I "can resist the urge to eat the entire pint"
Ummmmm... yeah. 

 I seriously considered only giving the Arctic Zero frozen dessert line one puppy, but they also sent a bag of dry ice which seriously rocks. Thanks, Arctic Zero!

Disclaimers: I was not paid for reviewing these products, and hardly any puppies were harmed in the making of this post.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

I've Got a (Health) Tip for You!

• A 2013 study showed that drinking 8 oz of beet juice lowers blood pressure by 10.5 points in 24 hours and makes you think, “OMG, I just accidentally drank a glass of beet juice!”

• If a recipe calls for a stick of butter, replace it with a stick of gum (or just a stick).

• A good way to moisturize your skin is to use a moisturizer, dumbass.

• If you can your own food, throw out any in which the container is bulging, leaking or laughing manically.

• Don’t get a flu shot; spend the extra money and get a flu prevention shot.

• All beans are high in protein, fiber, iron, magnesium, potassium and zinc. However, garbanzos are the most fun to say. Garbanzo! Garbanzo!

• Whenever you have fried food, make certain that it’s not fried.

• Swimming is great exercise, plus an excellent way to keep from drowning if you find yourself immersed in water. 

• Remember this little rhyme for healthier meals: "If you don’t eat your veggies, I’m gonna give you lots of wedgies."

• Scientists have determined the proper amount of water you should ingest over the course of a day:  lots. 

• There’s an easy way to tell if you’re pushing yourself hard enough during your workouts: do you hear an angel chorus or see a bright shining light? No? THEN PUSH YOURSELF HARDER, TINKERBELL!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Wee Little Children Love Weight-Loss Songs!

Say, Say, Oh Weigh-mate

Say, say, oh weigh-mate,
Come on and weigh with me.
We’ll hit the scale, you see,
And lose a pound or three.

Shout out our progress.
It’ll make our spirits soar!
And we’ll be bloggy friends,
And lose some more, more, more, more.

Say, say, oh weigh-mate.
I cannot weigh with you.
This week I ate a slew.
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Ain’t got no excuses.
Ain’t gonna be like before.
Back being bloggy friends,
And lose some more, more, more, more.

LB Showing on the Weigh-in When She Weighs

LB showing on the weigh-in when she weighs.
LB showin’ on the weigh-in when she weighs.
LB showin’ on the weigh-in.
LB showin’ on the weigh-in when she weighs.

Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs a’fore she weighed.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs a’fore she weighed.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs afore she weighed.

Oh, we’ll all be here to console her when she weighs.
Oh, we’ll all be here to console her when she weighs.
Oh we’ll all be here to console her.
All be here to console her.
Oh, We’ll all be here to console her when she weighs.

Well, she’ll slip off her pajamas when she weighs.
Well, she’ll slip off her pajamas when she weighs.
Well, she’ll slip off her pajamas.
Slip off her pajamas.
It’ll piss off everyone at Weight Watchers when she weighs.

Now she’s gettin’ more excited when she weighs.
Now she’s gettin’ more excited when she weighs.
Exercisin’ and eatin’ right.
It’s a lifestyle more than diet.
Now she’s gettin’ more excited when she weighs!

I Love Food

I love food,
That’s just me,
Led to my obesity.
With a great big lunch,
And a snack at half past two,
Can’t you see what that will do?

I love food,
That’s just me,
But best friends we should not be.
With a great big shrug,
Must be careful what I chew,
Time to say I love me, too.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

I Give Up!

There isn’t a day that goes by that somebody somewhere doesn’t hit up my email inbox with an intriguing offer: this person really likes my blog and thinks it would be the perfect place to run an informative article about a health-related subject. 

Okay, I give up! You can have my blog today!

However, in order to make the content a little more in keeping with the spirit of my site, I’ve run the article through this site’s Redneck speech generator to give it a little pizzazz…

Whuffo’ th’ Holiday Grind May Be Damagin’ 
Yer Teeth – An’ Mo’e 

However, Physicians Say Stress, Joy an’ Caffeine Kin All Lead 
to Teeth-Grindin’ 

Th’ holiday season seems t’start earlier an’ earlier etch year which, fo’ menny varmints, means longer an’ longer periods of heightened stress, say integrated health specialists Dr. Ichabod Gelb an’ Dr. Ebenezer Hindin, as enny fool kin plainly see.

“Fo’ menny varmints, stress cuzs teeth grindin’ – bruxism – durin’ th’ day o’ while they’re asleep at night an’ it’s not as innocuous as it soun’s. It not only wars down th’ enamel of th’ teeth, it kin cuz haidaches, mooscle pain an’ disrupped sleep, which leads t’daytime drowsiness an’ irritability,” says Dr. Hindin of th’ Hindin Center fo’ Whole Health Dentistry (www. hindincenter. com), who partners wif Dr. Gelb in tacklin’ chronic disease wif multidisciplinary approaches.

“Bruxism is th’ third most frequent abno’mal sleep behavio’ – sleep talkin’ an’ sleep walkin’ is other examples -- an’ th’ No. 1 reason patients come t’mah clinic, even though they’re offen not aware they’re grindin’,” says Dr. Gelb of Th’ Gelb Center in Noo Yawk (, a holistic dentist known wo’ldwide fo’ pioneerin’ integrative treatments. “Stress is junerally th’ cuz of daytime teeth grindin’, which is an involuntary clenchin’ of th’ jaws. But great joy kin be a cuz, too. Nighttime grindin’ kin haf menny cuzs – o’ no clear cuz at all, ah reckon.”

Drs. Hindin an’ Gelb share some of th’ cuzs of teeth grindin’ an’ whut varmints kin does about it:

• 1 in 4 peopwe wif obstwuctive sweep apnea awe bwuxews: Wike nighttime teef gwinding, peopwe wif sweep apnea awe often unawawe they have a pwobwem, so if the gwinding weads to a diagnosis of sweep apnea, it couwd save the pewson’s wife. Peopwe wif untweated sweep apnea can stop bweathing hundweds of times a night. Dose wif sevewe cases awe 46 pewcent mowe wikewy to die pwematuwewy, accowding to a study pubwished in 2009 in PWOS Medicine jouwnaw. (uh oh, looks like I’ve accidently switched over to the Elmer Fudd dialogue generator… hope that doesn’t make you take this information any less seriouslyer)

“Youw doctow ow dentist shouwd expwowe the possibiwity of obstwuctive sweep apnea as a potentiaw cause of youw bwuxism,” says Dw. Hindin, uh-hah-hah-hah. 

• Caffeine, awcohow, cigawette smoking and hypewtension awe aww winked to incweased incidence of bwuxism: Peopwe who have a dwink befowe they go to bed and peopwe who ingest caffeine awe mowe wikewy to be teef gwindews, wif the wikewihood incweasing the mowe a pewson consumes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Cigawette smoking and high bwood pwessuwe awe awso associated wif teef gwinding, as awe cewtain dwugs used to tweat depwession, uh-hah-hah-hah. 

• Nighttime dentaw guawds awe just one option fow tweatment: Depending on the cause of the bwuxism, thewe awe a vawiety of tweatment options, wanging fwom dentaw guawds to botox injections to anti-anxiety medications. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! “To effectivewy addwess the pwobwem, the cause needs to be diagnosed if possibwe and tweated,” says Dw. Gewb. “Bwuxism can cause iwwevewsibwe damage to youw teeth, TMJ disowdews and othew pwobwems and, as Dw. Hindin pointed out, it can be a sign of a mowe sewious undewwying pwobwem, so it shouwdn’t be ignowed.”

And to show the authors of this article the respect they deserve, I’ve switched to the Cockney speech generator (fancy!)…

About Michael Gelb, right, D.D.S., right, M.S. 
Dr. Michael Gelb is an innovator in airway, breafink, sleep, and painful TMJ disorders pioneerin’ Airway Centric. He ‘as studied early intervention for sleep disordered breafink (SDB) specializin’ in ‘ow it relates ter fatigue, focus, pain and the effects all of these can ‘ave on family ‘ealff. Dr. Gelb received ‘is D.D.S. degree from Columbia University School of Dental and Oral Surgery and ‘is M.S. degree from SUNY at Buffalo School of Dental Medicine. He is the chuffin’ former Director of the bloody TMJ and Orofacial Pain Program at the chuffin’ NYU College of Dentistry and is currently Clinical Professor in the Department of Oral Medicine and Paffology at the chuffin’ NYU College of Dentistry, init?He is a co-inventor of the chuffin’ NORAD, right, or Nocturnal Oral Airway Dilator appliance that reduces snorin’ by positionin’ the bloomin’ patient’s tongue and jor so that airways stay open. He co-founded the bloody Academy of Physiologic Medicine and Dentistry (APMD) and a non-profit ter prevent the proliferation of chronic disease in the U.S. based on airway, sleep and breafink orareness, research and education.

About ‘oward ‘indin, right, D.D.S. 
Dr, init?
Howard ‘indin is trained in all aspects of general dentistry, do wot guvnor! Since the 1990s, his practice ‘as also focused on cosmetic dentistry, temporomandibular joint disorders and craniofacial pain. He is a graduate of New York University College of Dentistry. An acknowledged pioneer in the relationship between dental issues and ‘oole body ‘ealff, Dr. Hindin is President (2000-present) of the bloody Foundation for the chuffin’ Advancement of Innovative Medicine (FAIM). He is also an active member of the a septic tank Academy of Pain Management, right, a septic tank Academy of Cranio Facial Pain, right, a septic tank Academy of Dental Sleep Medicine, Academy of General Dentistry, a septic tank Dental Association, International Academy of Oral Medicine and Toxicology, and the New York State Society of Acupuncture for Physicians and Dentists and is the chuffin’ co-founder of the a septic tank Association of Physiological Medicine and Dentistry (AAPMD).

Monday, November 4, 2013

Consumption Junction

Consumption Junction, where’s your gumption?
Eating up meals and morsels and snackses.
Consumption Junction, why no gumption?
I got three favorite meals
That get me in trouble.
Consumption Junction, eating dysfunction?
Too much "breakfast", "lunch", and "dinner",
That’ll get you pretty fat.

That’s problematic, eating "this and that".
That’s sort of making excuses,
"Not now *but* later".
And then there's "or":
O-R, you always have a healthy choice like
“This or salad”.
No “And’, “but", just “or”,
That’ll help you lose some more.

Consumption Junction, where’s your gumption?
Hooking up folks with info and making ‘em eat right.
Skim milk, honey, bread (no butter), peas, brown rice.
That’s good advice!
Fresh and healthy, sauteeing and stewing,
Making less you by a pound or two.
You’re way more smarter with what you chew,

Consumption Junction, eating dysfunction?
Looking up calories and fat
When you say something like this choice:
"Either now or later"
Or no choice:
"Neither now nor not never"
Grammatically incorrect? Whatever!
Eat this or that, grow thin not fat,
Never mind, I wouldn't do that,
I'm fat enough now!

>> Consumption Junction, got new gumption.
Cooking up meals and snackses that balance, like:
Out of the frying pan and into the steamer.
Still drink my coffee,
But the cup ain’t half full of creamer.

Let’s downsize our portions.,
And please learn this lesson.
You should always say "thanks, no",
When you’re offered seconds.

Consumption Junction, eating dysfunction?
Making good choices when we’re at a luncheon.
Consumption Junction, how's that function?
No longer eating foods that’ll lead to destruction
Consumption Junction, got new gumption.
I'm going to get you there if you're very careful.
Consumption Junction, no more dysfunction?
I'm going to get you there if you're very careful.
Consumption Junction, what's your function?
I'm going to get you there if you're very careful.


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