Monday, November 25, 2013

I Am Your Healthy T'giving Helper Guy

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.


  1. very funny! This is my favorite, probably because this was the one thing I was gonna allow myself a dollop if I just remember this, maybe not so much:

    • A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

  2. Thank you Jack, for your bounteous goodness in giving us this blog. In gratitude, I apply this whip to the back of your thighs to make you run faster while I sit in the wagon you are pulling.

  3. Hilarious, thanks for all these "helpful" tips. ;) You know what Turkey Day means--time to start getting serious about that Christmas shopping! Here's an idea, maybe even for a stocking stuffer: shaving razors. We're a shaving company called Dorco and we provide high quality razors for a fraction of the cost you're probably paying now. Give them a try and see how smooth a shave you can get, all for 30-70% less than the cost of leading brands. Check out our prices for yourself at Thanks again for a great post!

  4. Thank you for your blog! I like the puppy rating system. Honestly, Thanksgiving dinner looming ahead is scaring me. I do not trust myself around pies. We have 16 kids, 15 of them will be here for dinner, so there will be pie. If it were healthy, I would eat pumpkin pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until it was gone and not around to taunt me anymore. Wait, I HAVE done that. Here's hoping the kids help me more this year! Eat that pie, kids! Good luck at dinner, perhaps use a small plate:)



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