Sunday, September 30, 2012

Totter Time

Overweight people hate the teeter totter.

I suppose it goes back to grade school days when we got on one end and six or seven kids got on the other end and it would somehow magically balance out.

For me, blogging has been kind of like a playground seesaw lately. Some days I focus on my own weight loss issues, but most days I just try to bring the funny with some (borderline) health-related nonsense.

And–surprise, surprise–my ass seems grounded on the silly side of the contraption. I haven't given up on my goals, but–frankly–I haven't been very serious about them either.

It's not the best feeling in the world, teetering on the edge of nowhere.

Life is balance.

Time to totter.


Last week: Not even sure...
Loss: --

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Hell on Wheels - The Official Fitbloggin' Calendar


















Do not tell me that you missed
last year's Offical Fitbloggin' Calendar!

Special thanks to Fitbloggin' speaker and roller derby enthusiast Jim Doran for inspiring this post and to all my Fitbloggin' buddies who graciously agreed to appear here. Wait... did I remember to ask anyone's permission? Hmmm....

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Beyond the New York Soda Ban...

New York City’s Board of Health recently approved Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ban on large sugar-sweetened drinks in an effort to stem rising obesity. Other proposed changes in the works…

• Bacon replaced with strips of steamed rutabaga

• Can’t order cheese dip in a restaurant without proof of recent cholesterol check

• Eskimo pie can no longer be eaten unless you are actually an Eskimo.

• Beer now only sold in one-packs

• Eating fondue now death-penalty offense

• Police authorized to raid freezers at midnight to search for renegade Ben & Jerry’s cartons

• Maximum number of toppings for frozen yogurt established at 0

•  Possession of more than 3 ounces of 1,000 Island dressing now a felony

• Movie theater popcorn reclassified as “weapon of ass destruction”

• Introduction of new DUI-DD offense (Driving Under Intention of going to Dunkin Donuts)

Monday, September 24, 2012

Friday, September 21, 2012

You, My Friend, Are a Crackpot

Once upon a time, there was a wise old Chinese dude named Confush*t who often said wise and quotable things.

Now Confush*t had two large pots for carrying water, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck as Chinese fellows so often do in stories such as this.

One of the pots was beautiful and perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, but the other one had a nasty crack in it. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with Confush*t delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been put on this Earth to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to Confush*t one day by the stream.

“I am ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak all the way back to your house.”

Confush*t spoke softly to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”

The flawed pot replied, “Thank you, dear Confush*t. I don’t feel so worthless anymore.”

“Worthless?” laughed Confush*t. “Do you know what a talking pot goes for on eBay these days? The bidding is up to $4,500 and there’s still three days left…”

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. Look for the good in each person you meet. And it’s true: talking pots will fetch a bundle on eBay.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Making your way in the world today
Can really get you down.

Take a break from all your worries,
Maybe get outta town.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go…

Where everybody knows your weight.
And they all still think you’re great.

You wanna hang with your fitness gang,

And maybe go for a jog.

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your blog.

You wanna go where people know,

People are all the same.

Go to Fitbloggin, where everybody knows

Your name.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Fifty Shades Fatter

Cold and closed off, that is what Ken is to me now.

Once he provided me everything my heart desired, but now I question how much of it was ever about my heart and how much was just more primal urgings.

Ken would always give me what I wanted, sometimes on the couch, more often than not right there on the kitchen table. I was insatiable, and Ken... that cold-hearted bastard... knew it.

From the start, I understood that Ken was bad news. At all hours of the day and night he would tempt me, tease me. He had what I wanted... and I blamed him for the overpowering hold he had on me.

It’s been a hard lesson, but I’ve finally learned that what you really are is an empty shell. All you have to offer is what I give you.

Damn you, Kenmore. I always thought it was you, but it was all on me all along…

Things aren't always in black and white, after all.

Miss the first installment? You need a spanking!

Monday, September 17, 2012


 I think that I shall never cross
A poem as lovely as a loss.
A loss where weight is coming down
Will entertain more than a clown;
A loss that God was sent my way,
Will fill my heart and make my day;
A loss of just a single pound
Will make me emit a joyous sound.
A poem can be a lovely serenade,
But ultimately cannot be made
By any fool you come across.
But each of us can make a loss.

with sincere apologies to Joyce Kilmer

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Everything's Coming Up Losses!

I feel swelled! Not so great!
Gonna start putting less on my plate!
Starting here, starting now,
Honey, everything's coming up losses!

Clear the decks! Clear the pass!
Gonna take a few pounds off my ass.
Blow a kiss. Skip a meal.
Honey, everything's coming up losses!

Let’s start grinning. Stand up and cheer!
Scale is spinning! This is just the beginning!
Get on up! Ride the bike!
Learn to find healthy foods that you like!
You'll be swell. You'll be great.
I can tell. You’ll lose weight.
Yes, every goal you’ve set is coming true!
Honey, everything's coming up losses for me and for you!

You can do it, all you need is a hand.
We can do it, Jackie is gonna see to it!
Wake on up! Workout clothes!
We got nothing to hit but new lows!
I can tell, wait and see.
Here’s my blog! Follow me!
And nothing's gonna stop us 'til we're through!
Honey, everything's coming up losses and diet pills!
Everything's coming up sunshine and smaller clothes!
Everything's gonna be lite drinks and low cal snacks!
Everything's coming up losses for me and for you!

Friday, September 14, 2012

John Grisham Weight Loss Novels

• The Firm Buttocks
• A Time to Grill
• Praying for Pizza
• The Summons (to Weight Watchers)
• The King of Tortes
• Skipping Christmas Dinner
• The Appeal (of Cupcakes)
• The Ass-ociate
• The Fasting Juror
• The Runaway Appetite
• The Breadmaker
• The Wellington Beef
• The Confession (or Yes, I Ate a 10-Lb Bag of Skittles)
• The Taco Testament
• Fit County
• Carbico Joe
• The Lightergators

An ounce here, an ounce there... it all adds up.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Jack Sh*t's Guide to Healthy Fair Food

So it was time for my annual outing to take my daughter Pisa and her pals to the fair. Since she's a "give-me-$$$-and-leave-me-alone-teenager" now, I thought I'd use my free time to explore what healthy eating options the fair has to offer...

Now this is going to come as somewhat of a shock to you, but most of the concession stand workers at the fair can't provide reliable calorie counts for what they're peddling. Luckily, there's a simple solution: just print out this post, shrink it down somehow, laminate it and carry it around with you at all times.

Fried Twinkie
425 calories,  34 g fat
More healthy option: Baked Twinkie - 150 calories.

Hog on a Log (bacon-wrapped corn dog)
361 calories, 26 g  fat
More healthy option: Banana on a Bandana - 73 calories

Frozen Cheesecake on a Stick
180 calories, 10 g fat
More healthy option: String cheese on a string - 80 calories

Blooming Onion
1320 calories, 72 g fat
More healthy option: Anything


Deep Fried Snickers Bar
444 calories, 29 g fat
More healthy option: One Hershey's Kiss - 29 calories

Chili Cheese Fries
670 calories, 46 g fat (9 oz)
More healthy option: Eating your own poo

Chocolate-Dipped Twinkie on a Stick
392 calories, 18 g fat
More healthy option: Chocolate-Dipped Stick - 33 calories

Elephant Ears/Funnelcake
760 calories, 44 g fat
More healthy option: Real elephant ear (baked), 125 calories

Turkey Leg
1,136 calories, 54 g fat
More healthy option: Turkey Jerky - 80 calories

Deep Fried Pickles
174 calories, 4 g fat (per pickle)
More healthy option: Duh... regular pickle - 5 calories.

Fried Oreo
232 calories, 14 g fat 
More healthy option: Fried celery sticks - waitaminute... you can fry celery sticks?

Fried Mac-N-Cheese
1528 calories, 65 g fat
More healthy option: One hamperful of raw almonds - 26, 220 calories.
Even healthier option: One handful of raw almonds - 164 calories 

Can of cold, refreshing beer
135 calories
More healthy option: Gimme a break! I'm at the fair! 

Hand Sanitizer
0 calories, 0 g fat
Eat all you want!

So there you go! Have a rockin' good time at the fair,
but just keep in mind that somewhere there's a scale with your name on it...

Note: Calorie and fat counts were done using a combination of internet research and a scientific process known as "guesstimation". Your mileage may vary.

 No fair...


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