Sunday, January 31, 2010

Feeling My Weigh...

Weekly weigh-in: 198.8
Loss: -0.5
Total loss: 92.7 lbs.
Emotion: More smarter

I know how this thing goes: good habits become sorta good habits become okay habits become decent habits become kinda poor habits become bad habits. I’ve been down this road often enough to be able to spot the road signs that lead to Obese City, so this week I put my food under a microscope.

What did I learn? I learned that it’s really, really messy to look at food with a microscope. Mashed potatoes get stuck in the little slider doohickey and greek yogurt runs through the cracks…

Once I took a good hard look at what was going down my gullet, I realized that my portions are creeping back up. Not by a lot, but it doesn’t take that much to make a meaningful difference over time.

I’ve been having a cup of no-fat Greek yogurt with a sliced banana in it for an evening snack. Somewhere along the line, it turned into more like two cups with a banana, a handful of raisins and a handful of chopped pecans. And sometimes some grapes tossed in there, too. A hearty snack, indeed. Last week, I ran the numbers and saw that, while my snack wasn’t necessarily unhealthy, it was topping 600-750 calories.

And I’ve caught myself a couple of times snapping up leftover food off my daughter’s dinner plate or grabbing a bite or two (or twelve) while preparing dinner. It’s just so easy to drop the ball, to tell yourself you’re doing all the right things when what you’re doing is some of the right things.

This week I came to the realization that this journey, for me, will require keeping a watchful eye on what I’m doing. It’ll require me pulling back on the reins from time to time, to make a course correction when stray winds blow me off my chosen course. I discovered that I have the ability to manage this process and not give back what I’ve worked so very hard to win for myself.

And lastly, I learned that microscopes are not dishwasher-safe.

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I serve up leftovers and you'll shut up and eat them if you know what's good for you (sorry, I was channeling my mom Shirley there for a minute). It seems like I often write these types of posts directed at you, but they're really directed more at me. Some days I really need 'em...

It’s a myth, you know, that overweight people suffer from low self-esteem more than the rest of the population. In fact, psychological tests given to overweight folks have proven that obese individuals are, on balance, just as mentally healthy (or unhealthy) as anyone else. There’s no support for the idea that overeating is generally associated with poor mental or emotional health. Quite the opposite, actually; many slim people who were interviewed said they wouldn’t have the courage to go out if they were obese. They’d simply stay at home and hide their fat faces.

Think about it: you get up every morning, get out of bed and face the world head-on. You accept strangers’ stares, children’s cruel comments and friends’ “helpful” advice, all with a wane smile and gentle good grace. You’ve recognized the inner demons that have put you in the state you’re in, and you’re going about doing something about it. You’re getting your life in check, as well as providing emotional support for others who are also getting their lives in check.

Here’s my point: you’re not weak.

Here’s my second point (and this may sting a little): you’ve got to get stronger.

You’ve got to get stronger because this is a long, uphill climb, and it will take its toll on you, both mentally and physically. You’ve got to get stronger because time is not on your side, and Life will jump up and throw hurdle after hurdle after hurdle in your path. You’ve got to get stronger because me and everyone else that follows your story aren’t going to be satisfied until you reach your goals.

We’ve all got our own ways of fighting this fight, our own methods to this madness. You may cut carbs, she may count calories, he may swim 50 laps a day, I may simply try to eat smarter and exercise more. There’s no one way–no right way–to get there from here.

But ask yourself this: Am I really doing all I can to succeed?

If you can honestly say “yes,” then God bless you, but I suspect that you’re in the minority if that’s truly the case. I know this is going to sound… well, funny… coming from a guy named Jack Sh*t who spends half his day telling fart jokes and making kooky lists, but you’ve got to get serious about this if you want to find the success you claim you want. You need to shift it into high gear, and start getting it done, and I mean like, today. You can half-ass it for as long as you want, but the real results aren’t going to happen for you until you knuckle down. Until you get serious.

There is a lion in my heart, and he’s roaring at the fat that I’ve saddled myself with by being stupid and lazy. Roaring at the complacency that allowed me to put my own health and future in jeopardy. He’s roaring at me every day, filling my spirit with grit and reminding me that this is my day, this is my time. He’s pushing me to run wild and pounce on this chance, this opportunity to reclaim my life.

This journey is not for the weak or the meek; it is for the strong-willed and the lion-hearted.

It’s time for you to roar.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Holy Sh*t… More Fitness Center Conversation Starters

  • “Shhhhh, there’s the personal trainer. Pretend like you’re exercising…”
  • “Do you know if they have any lighter weights that look like heavier weights?”
  • “Excuse me, do you believe in magic?”
  • “I’m working on making my muscles more bumpy.”
  • “Do you think that lady over there is pulling one of those ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ deals?”
  • “I’m training to be a circus strongman!”
  • “If I don’t… finish this set… the terrorists win…”
  • “Y’know what would be awesome… a karoke spin class.”
  • “Why oh why did I ever buy a steel-wool jockstrap?”
  • “Wow, I accidentally filled my water bottled with maynaisse.”
  • “Did you know that if they took out your lungs and stretched them out, they could cover a tennis court?”
  • “My prison bitch nickname is "Queer Johnny”.
  • “Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? Waitaminute… I’m sorry, that’s one of my bar pick-up lines…”
  • “I have an idea for a game show called ‘Who Wants to Be a Treamillionaire?’”
  • “Aiiiiiyyyyyy… I’m sweating!”

Thursday, January 28, 2010

What You Know Can’t Hurt You

They say that knowledge is power, but for me, it turns out that knowledge is will power.

I used to enjoy stopping in at Starbucks from time to time and treating myself to a gooey sweet frothy beverage. Even the six-dollar price tag didn't slow me down. Just listen to that name: “Caramel Machiato”; it just rolls off your tongue like a mouthful of goodness.

But then my wife Anita clued me in that my favorite delicacy was apparently loaded with roughly 300 calories worth of fat, sugar and empty, no-good-for-you nothingness.

“That can’t be right,” I exclaimed. “It’s coffee.”

So, on my next visit, I ordered my sweet treat with skim milk. I grimaced when I placed my order, and once I got my cup, I may have bragged a little to Anita.

“Did you get ‘em to leave off the whipped cream?” she asked, raising an eyebrow as she sipped on her herbal tea. “That’s about 60 to 110 calories and 6 to 11 grams of fat.”


So the next time, I got a no-fat, no-whip Caramel Machiato, and winked at Anita.

“Did you get the regular vanilla syrup in it?” she asked. “Two pumps of syrup adds on 40 calories and 10 grams of sugar.”


The next time I went to Starbucks, I just ordered a hot tea.

Here’s the thing: once you really understand exactly what’s in the food and drinks you love, it’s difficult to find the same blind enjoyment in them that you once did.

Here’s some other tidbits that wrung the love out of my favorite foods:
  • Just because you’re eating a salad doesn’t mean you’re God’s gift to dieting. A scant tablespoon of a full-fat dressing can pack 50 calories onto your meal. At a salad per day, that tablespoon of dressing on each salad equals roughly 5 pounds a year.

  • Energy bars are well-known for being full of healthful vitamins and minerals. However, that little bar is also packed with calories, a lot of them coming in at 200 or more. That’s appropriate for an athlete who needs to maintain fuel without a lot of bulk, but as a snack, that’s a heap of calories.

  • I used to down a lot of sports drinks when playing basketball, but lately have learned that drinks such as Gatorade and Powerade typically contain as much as two-thirds the sugar of sodas and more sodium to boot. The same holds true for sweetened waters such as VitaminWater and SoBe Life Water. I’ve transitioned to this new drink I’ve discovered: water.

  • A year ago, I was drinking a buttload of Diet Cokes. Come to find out that caffeine increases your insulin level which has the end result of slowing down your fat-burning system. The lack of calories in diet sodas, teas and coffee are truly deceiving. Restrict your caffeine intake for faster weight loss.

  • Ever wondered why restaurant soup tastes better than what you make at home? Roughly 90% of restaurant's soups are simply loaded with fat, salt and cholesterol. In fact, a bowl of Quiznos's Mushroom Bisque has 18 grams of fat per cup. Be aware that substituting soup for a salad is not always the healthier choice.

  • You ran out of the house without breakfast, so what’s wrong with picking up a muffin? The fact is, the lowfat muffins at Starbucks contain 380 calories each. Yes, that's the lowfat one. The regular muffins clock in at about 475 calories each, and many of them come sprinkled with even more sugar on top.

  • We all know that soda is bad for us; what many of us don’t realize is just how much of it we drink. Most restaurants provide free refills to convince you it’s a good deal, and you keep drinking because… hey, free soda! But empty calories are just empty calories; plan on having no more than one glass because it adds up to too many calories, too quickly. Think about it: you don't get back from a restaurant and exclaim " Wow, that was some really delicious soda!"

  • Let’s face it: fast food isn’t what it was in the good ol’ days. Today, an average fast food meal consists of a burger with 6 ounces of meat and a drink that can be from a quart to a half-gallon (32 to 64 ounces). In the 1950's, a fast food meal consisted of a burger with only 1 ounce of meat and the drink was only a cup (8 ounces).
There’s a guy whose weight-loss journey I follow mostly because it’s one of the most unique approaches I’ve run across. Eric at The Fattest Person Ever is attempting to lose weight by eating virtually every meal at a restaurant (albeit just in smaller portions). It simply flies in the face of everything I think I know about this business, and just about every one of my comments there is me sh*tting on his parade.

For instance, he was touting Starbuck’s spinach & feta wraps, giving it mad props for its great taste and the fact that it only has 240 calories. In my comment, I pointed out the fact that the sammich comes in at 48% of the DV for sodium (he had two of them), and the ingredients list is something straight out of a food chemistry textbook. I also told him to keep in mind that it's coming out now that restaurants are notoriously underreporting calorie counts. Why? Because they can and there's no reason not to...

While it’s true that we have never been in an age where we’ve been bombarded by so many food choices, larger-than-life portions and eating opportunities, we’ve also never been in an age where nutritional information is more easily or readily accessible.

Open your eyes, and you just might shut your mouth.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Confush*t Say...

Confush*t say...

…person who can’t throw food away doesn’t mind it going to waist.
…person who dislikes being stuck on plateau doesn’t care for flattery.
…person who can always find the liquor bottle has a “fifth” sense.
…people who shows distain for bread and pasta is carb-berater.
...person who sneak donuts is showing his true crullers.
…person who drink too many cocktails should only expect martini-tiny losses.
…person who is too obese but wants to play basketball should remember wide men can’t jump.
…person who seeks to eat more veggies will find them turnip eventually.
...person who consume too much sodium get a-salted on scale.
...person who goes to Starbucks all the time doesn't know how to espresso themselves.
...person who can't do without chocolate is livin' la vida cocoa.
…person who owns up to their flatulence is a frank-farter.
...person who gives pizza a chance wind up going to war with scale.
...person who doesn't eat vegetables will find it's parsley his own fault.
…person who waits for golden opportunity to lose weight may find it never pans out.
…person who reads Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit every day is very defacated reader.

Confush*t believes that rich foods are like destiny. They, too, shape our ends.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You’ll Thank Me Later

I'm just not sure that I do enough to help you on this arduous weight-loss journey of yours. Oh sure... I blog quite a bit, and I try to pass on as much good (and bad) advice as I possibly can. But I think I can have more of an impact on belping you achieve your goals, and starting today, I'm going to do it! My plan?
  • I take a hammer to every snack product in your pantry
  • I stand behind you and scream “Fatass!” every time you pick up a piece of candy
  • I squirt pepper spray in your face when every time you eat a chimichanga
  • I spraypaint your car windows black so you can’t see any fast-food joints while you’re driving around town
  • I leave a six-minute voicemail on your cell phone that’s just me repeating “Go to the gym!” over and over
  • I give you a wedgie every time you start to eat cheese
  • I hide your salt shaker
  • I carry around my “lucky funnel” for when you forget to drink your water
  • I padlock your fridge every night at 8 p.m.
  • I host a “Oreo intervention” for you and invite all your friends and co-workers
  • I sit in the back seat and sing “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am… Henry the Eighth, I am, I am…” whenever you eat in the car
  • I slam my grocery cart into your grocery cart every time you try to buy cookies
  • I call the pizza place where you just ordered delivery and ask them to add “toenail clippings” all over the top
  • I weld the change slot shut on the vending machine in your office
  • I spit in your can of Pepsi
  • I replace your ranch dressing with Elmer’s Glue
  • Whenever you go three days without blogging, I call you up and blow a whistle into the phone

Monday, January 25, 2010

I’m Sorry, Carrie Underwood

Right now she’s probably slow cooking another crockpot casserole,
And she's got it real salty.
Right now, she's probably drinking her some fruity little drink cause her brain’s thinkin’ faulty.
Right now, she’s probably pulling up to the drive-thru, asking for an upsized combo...
Cuz she don't know...

That if she digs in and shows some grit,
She might really have a chance to start losing it.
Might show some losses when she blogs and tweets.
Might do real well and rock the scales,
And forget about all of her old fails.
Maybe next time she'll think before she eats.

Right now, she's probably waking up,
And opening a box of strawberry Pop-Tarts.
Right now, she's probably saying “I'm starved”
And she's a thinking that she's gotta get fed now,
Right now, she's probably gobbling down three pounds worth of that frozen cookie dough...
Cuz she don't know...

That if she digs in and shows some grit,
She might really have a chance to start losing it.
Might show some losses when she blogs and tweets.
Might do real well and rock the scales,
And forget about all of her old fails.
Maybe next time she'll think before she eats.

She might've saved a little trouble for the next year,
Cause the next time that she eats...

Oh, you know it gonna be healthy!


And if she digs in and shows some grit,
She might really have a chance to start losing it.
Might show some losses when she blogs and tweets.
Might do real well and rock the scales,
And forget about all of her old fails.
Maybe next time she'll think before she eats.

Oh… maybe next time she'll think before she eats...

Ohh... before she eats...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

A Post Too Hot for JSGF

Head over to Lose It Bitches for the guest post that was waaaay too raunchy to run in my own blog: A Frank & Honest Discussion About You-Know-What. Adults only, please.

No Gain, No Pain

Weekly weigh-in: 199.3
Loss: -0.0
Total loss: 92.2 lbs.
Emotion: Same old same old

For the first time in my forty-something week journey, I weigh the exact same this week as I did last week. What a kiss-your-sister feeling, and I don’t mean that in the sexy sister-kissing way you’re probably thinking.

Except I guess it’s a sensation I need to learn to love (the staying-the-same weight, not the sister-kissing… try to stay with me here!). If I’m going to maintain this ginormous weight loss, I suppose I’m going to have to embrace the idea of unexciting weigh-ins, start getting pumped about trifling gains and nano-losses.

I have always been extraordinarily passionate about losing this weight. It kept me gunning the engines furiously, made me want to jump up out of bed and attack each day with an XXL-sized cup of gusto.

Maintenance? If losing weight is like the thrill of bouncing a mountain bike down a bumpy trail, maintaining is like riding on the little couch on the merry-go-round. It’s about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

Which is not to say that this maintenance business is easy or without peril. As a matter of fact, the middle of this past week, I somehow found myself guzzling beer on Beale Street before (and during) a college basketball game.

  • Inside my head after one beer: “This lite beer isn’t half bad.”
  • Inside my head after three beers: “This non-lite beer is more than twice as good as the lite stuff.”
  • Inside my head after five beers: “Technically, French fries are a vegetable, I suppose.”
  • Inside my head after eight beers: “Oh, what the hell…”
Truthfully, I knew what I was getting into… and I planned accordingly. I worked out like a demon and cut a few snacks out on game day. We’re always going to have to manage special events, celebrations and mid-week “uh-oh’s”.

I guess the important thing to understand is that on this marathon we’re running, stumbling doesn’t have to lead to stopping, setbacks don’t have to turn into roadblocks. You can pick yourself up and push on, maybe even a little harder, a little more intensely. We may not have an "undo" button, but it's certainly within our power to minimize the damage. It might even be good for you in the long run... and the long run is what this deal is all about, after all.

So... no gain on a week like this? I'll drink to that!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

How Committed Am I?

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where everything old is new again! People have asked me about my secret to losing over 90 lbs over the past 40 weeks, and usually I just tell 'em about the eating less, eating healthier and exercising more parts of the program. What I seldom mention is the role commitment plays in a successful weight-loss journey. It is the booster rocket that sends your space shuttle into the stratosphere!
  • I am 1,000,000% committed
  • I will work 25/8/366 …that’s right, 25 hours a day, eight days a week, 366 days a year (except for Leap Year, in which I will work 367 days!)
  • I believe there is no “I” in “failure”
  • I am so committed, I make a couple’s 50th wedding anniversary look like a first date
  • I ripped the page with “quit” on it out of the dictionary (can somebody help me spell quintecential, quentisental, quentasential…grrrrrr)
  • There’s an old saying: “An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.” Well, I’m going to deliver 10 gallons of performance, which is worth, like, 100 pounds of promises.
  • I’m getting a tattoo that says “Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek” on my ring finger.
  • I am infinity times infinity plus infinity committed
  • If I wrote a hip-hop song, it would be called “Committed 2 My B*tches,” because 1) it needs to have a naughty word in the title in order for it to be successful and 2) it’s a love story.
  • If commitment could be represented as a color, I would be crimson-violet with a streak of teal.
  • Suicide bombers write to me all the time and ask “D*mn, how can I be as committed as you, brother?”
  • Consider a breakfast served to you of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved in the breakfast. The pig is committed. I am ten times more committed than that pig.
  • When you go to, it would redirect to this blog site if I had had the foresight to buy that domain name a few years ago when it was available.
  • If you could see my face right now, you’d see that I’m gritting my teeth in an expression of absolute total commitment.
  • I will never, ever give up… and if I do ever give do give up, I promise I will shoot myself in the face with a water gun filled with honey and stick my entire head in a fire ant hole… but I won’t because I will never, ever give up…and if I do, I’ll do the fire ant thing…but I won’t because I just won’t!*

*And if I do, FIRE ANTS!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Weight-Loss Children's Books

Although rare in the past, obesity is now among the most widespread medical problems affecting children and adolescents living in the U.S. and other developed countries. About 15% of adolescents (aged 12-19 years) and children (aged 6-11 years) are obese in the United States (according to the American Obesity Association). And the really sad part is that the numbers are expected to continue increasing.

Childhood obesity represents one of our greatest health challenges, so with that in mind, I’m suggesting a few edits in some of the most popular children’s literature to address the subject head-on…
  • The Adventures of Skinny-the-Pooh
  • Not-So-Little Women
  • The Very, Really, Really, Enormously Hungry Caterpillar
  • The Runaway Belly
  • Guess How Much I Love Ham
  • The Cat in the Fat
  • Where the Wide Things Are
  • Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Diet
  • Oh, The Pizzas You'll Eat
  • The Velvetta Rabbit
  • The Little Engine That Could… But Never Did
  • Anna Rexia
  • Mike Mulligan And His Steamed Veggies
  • Pippi Wrongsnacking
  • Furious Gorge
  • Amelia Bread-elia
  • Binge to Terabithia
  • Chocolate’s Web
  • The Liar, the Scale, and the Wardrobe
  • The Boxcarb Children
  • Sarah, Plain,Tall & Fat
  • James and the Giant Pouch
  • Roll of Belly, Hear My Cry
  • Fatilda
  • Stuart Not-Too-Little
  • The Bitch of Biggest Loser Pond

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Lost Bloggers

At the suggestion of a noted weight-loss blogger who didn’t want to take credit for the idea, I spun my wheels for quite a while trying to craft a song parody to “We Are The World” that centered around the idea of helping those weight-loss bloggers who have dropped off the radar over the last few months, never to be heard from again. The gist of it was to have different guest bloggers “sing” the different parts, urging these people to return to their online weight-loss journey.

We are the wide, we are the distressed.
We wanna be the ones who look a little better
When we get undressed.

I couldn’t seem to bring it home to my satisfaction, but I started thinking about it again as I was going through the blogs I’m following and hacking out the ones that haven’t updated in forever.

It was kind of depressing, to tell you the truth. There were so many “This Is It!” and “Never Give Up!” posts that were immediately followed by… crickets.

I was surprised to find that there were quite a few whose stories I was really into for a time. But out of sight, out of mind, I suppose, and new, more active voices tend to fill that void.

The sad thing is that I suspect that these folks haven’t just dropped the ball on their blogging. If they’re anything like me, they’ve lapsed into that mindset that says if I’m not thinking hard about what I’m eating, the calories don’t count. If I’m not weighing myself regularly, I’m not gaining weight.

I’m afraid that they’re going to wake up one day and realize that they’re lost a lot of ground on their journey, that they’ve slipped back down that slippery slope where climbing is such a slow, tough trudge but sliding back can happen as quick as a hiccup.

I don’t have a lot of weight left to lose, but I’m still blogging like my weight depends on it… because in a very real sense, I believe it does.

“There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives

It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me.”

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Like Big Butts? Not Me...

Oh, my, god. girl, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She has more crack
than the neighborhood drug dealer.
But, you know who understands about all that?
There’s this guy that knows his stuff
Sir Sh*ts-A-Lot wants to get folks thinner 'kay?
I mean, his blog is just so strange
I can't believe it's so ridiculous, it's like,
out there, I mean - really. Look!
It’s just so ... Jack!

Blogger seems to be having video issues today,
so click
here if you wanna sing along...

You’ve got a big butt and I cannot lie,
You prolly should go on a diet.
Cause if you wanna get an itty bitty waist.
Stop stuffin’ stuff in your face.
You get hungry, want food in ya tummy,
But you notice that yo body looks crummy.
You standing at that mirror swearing.
Don’t fit in them jeans you’re wearing.
Oh baby, just admit
You wanna get fit.
My homeboys tried to warn me
That this song might come off corny.
Ooh, Plump-o'-stiltskin
Say you wanna get rid of that double-chin?
Well, listen, listen..
It’s time to find out what you been missin’.
Let’s get you dietin’.
Get them fat cells riotin’.
Time to get wet, sweat,
Say whoa, exercise some mo.
Get you losin’ that flesh tuxedo.
I'm tired of all of them excuses.
Time to put a move on them cabooses.
Take the average fattie and ask ‘em that,
“Why you gotta pack so much of that fat?”
So, fatso! (Yeah!) fatso! (Yeah!)
Gonna make you lose it! That so? (Hell yeah!)
I tell ya to move it! (move it!) Move it! (move it!)
Move that healthy butt!
Baby got Jack!

Baby got Jack!

Yo butt may be round and large,
Just means it’s time to take charge.
Time to help yo-self, create a mass reduction.
Bring out the weapons of ass destruction.
I wanna get you a personal trainer,
Break it down so it couldn’t be plainer.
I ain't talkin' bout buns of steel,
But “buns of play-doh” just ain’t a good deal.
Don’t wanna be thick and juicy, do we?
So make a plan and do what you planned.
Sir Sh*t’s-a-Lot will give you a hand.
Help you on your way to the promised land.
Maybe try out that 30-day Shred,
With Jillian’s harsh face talkin’ to yo head.
(Why won’t that ho-bag just drop dead?)

Time to build up that mojo.
Get that weight down to a new low, yo.
Turning back now is a real no-no.
But I gotta be straight when I say you can’t wait,
To have this poundage gone.
‘Til you got it goin’ on.
‘Til you’re feeling fit and strong!

Some folks can’t stop eating and cheating.
Me? I'd rather move it and prove it.
In the gym being strong like I belong,
And I'm down to get my workout on.
So, ladies! (Yeah!) Ladies! (Yeah)
Tired of living in your personal Hades? (Yeah!)
Then turn it around! Gut it out!
And give this fit white boy a shout.
Baby got Jack!

Baby got Jack!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to flab, Jackie ain’t takin’ nothin’ off nobody.
250 lbs? Ha ha, only if you’re 7'3".

So let’s exercise you and me, maybe play Wii Fit on the Wii.
Get our bodies in motion. Get busy and cause a commotion.
Cuz breaking a sweat
Is our best bet yet.
Go do some side bends or sit-ups,
It’s time to lose that butt.
Some people wanna be nice and gentle,
Don’t wanna be too detrimental.
They’ll tell you that you’re doin’ great,
Even when you gain some weight.
When you’re pilin’ crap on your plate.
They won’t tell you that you're fat,
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is too big and your life’s a mess,
And I’m not gonna be happy ‘til you weigh a little less.
‘Til you’re a little more comfortable in your skin.
You go, Miss Thin!
Give me a workout, dinner of baked trout.
Want some dessert but gonna do without.
If you’re gettin’ a lil’ frustrated by all dis,
Stop by my blog for another stupid list,
Or a goofy lil’ story with a lot of jokes wit ‘em.
It’s your time, so let’s go get ‘em!
So ladies, if the butt’s too grande,
Then let’s not wait to get started on Monday.
Dial 1-900-SH*TSALOT,
And let’s give this thing our best shot!
Baby got Jack!

Let’s get little in the middle and get our healthy body back!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Burning Some Awards

I have a friend who burns Christmas cards.

Seriously, once the holidays are over, she gathers up the odd assortment of well wishes and photos of smiling children and tosses them, one by one, in the roaring blaze.

When she first told me about it, I was aghast. We had just sent out a really fantastic card featuring our daughters in some extra-cute pose.

“Surely you didn’t burn our card?” I exclaimed, but it turns out that it was nothing but ash now. My wife Anita wanted to permanently strike her from our Christmas card list.

I went so far as to Google the subject, curious to see if this was something rational people normally did. In Britain, there seems to have been a tradition that children used to burn their Christmas cards in the fire so they can float up the chimney with smoke and wind can be transported magically to the North Pole. Other than that, I couldn’t find much on the subject.

“Why do you burn Christmas cards?” I asked her.

“Because I don’t want them cluttering the place up,” she replied. “And I hate throwing them away.”

Apparently her and her family have created this little holiday tradition of looking at the cards for a moment, maybe commenting on the person or the card itself, then chunking it into the fire. When you stop and really think about it, it makes a certain amount of sense. It's actually kind of touching, in a bizarre sort of way.

I mention this because I recently was awarded two more bloggy-love badges just as I was getting ready to throw the ones I’ve already received into the fire. Tony at The Anti-Jared recently asked me why I have no blogroll on JSGF, and as Tony has an annoying habit of doing, he made me start thinking.

I thought it would clutter things up, like a bundle of Christmas cards. Plus, I’m constantly asked to put people’s sites on my blogroll, and I liked the simple response of “Sorry, I got no blogroll.”

But I realize that there’re few bloggers that receive any more blogroll love than I do, so I’m throwing my awards and badges… new and old… into the fire and cramming in a blogroll over there. I follow a bunch of blogs, and because I know how much people’s comments mean to me, I try my best to be an active and involved participant.

Anyway, here’s the latest blog bling to cross my doorway. Unfortunately, they came through at the exact same time and got morphed into one award. According to the rules of the Beautiful Happy Blogger 101 Award, I have to tell you seventeen things that secretly make me happy (in no particular order)…

  1. A British accent on a GPS navigation system
  2. Marvel comics from the 60’s
  3. Antique toys
  4. Buying electronics
  5. The last five minutes of a workout
  6. Jethro on The Beverly Hillbillies -- my all-time favorite line on TV was when the Clampetts were going to England and Jethro wanted to be a knight...

    “What’s your name?”
    “What’s your surname?”
    “Sir Jethro.”

  7. Feet in the ocean
  8. Made-up words
  9. Basketball… watching, playing, discussing
  10. The smell of curry simmering
  11. A well-turned phrase
  12. Giving good gifts
  13. Making my daughters laugh
  14. Getting a new laptop
  15. Being a super-fast typist
  16. Looking at our photo albums
  17. Having a good idea

Thanks to Phil, Lisa, Cactusfreek, Sarah, 266 (and anyone else I’m leaving out) for sending out the love.

Since I accidentaly jumbled up the award, I don’t feel quite right passing it on to anyone else, so I guess it’s just off into the fire with the rest it goes. However, I do encourage you to check out some (or all) of the fantastic folks on my low-calorie but very filling blogroll.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Latest Weight-Loss iPhone Apps

  • App that tells you your weight when you stand on your phone
  • App that shocks you when you try to eat pie
  • App that finds nearby restaurants but give you wrong directions
  • App that keeps up with all the exercise you should have done that day
  • App that downloads recipes for healthy foods you’ll never make
  • App that turns your device into a phone that you can use to make an appointment with a personal trainer
  • App that, when you're in a restaurant, orders you a nice salad while you're in the bathroom
  • App that turns your phone into a 50-lb dumbbell
  • App that guides you into a peaceful yoga meditation while you’re driving
  • App that automatically squirts "Raid®: Ant & Roach Killer" on desserts
  • App that provides access to database of excuses for bad weigh-in
  • App the screams your current weight every 20 minutes
  • App that turns your iPhone into a small, rectangular plate
  • App that transforms every caller’s voice into that of Jillian Michaels
  • App that laughs every time it sees you naked

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Doctor, Doctor... Give Me The News

Weekly weigh-in: 199.3
Loss: -0.2
Total loss: 92.2 lbs.
Emotion: Clean bill of health

It was time… time for my 8-year physical (okay, okay… I need to do better with that, I guess), so there I sat in my doctor’s waiting room trying not to breathe in any H1N1 molecules and glaring at anyone who had the nerve to cough within 25 ft of me.

I whiled away the time by eyeballing the crowded room and performing my own diagnoses on the other unfortunate souls thumbing through their People magazines.

Business dude… sinus infection.

Gameboy kid… sore throat.

Lady with the pantsuit… chronic fatigue syndrome.

Creepy guy in turtleneck… malaria.

Woman with the slutty hairdo… some sort of STD… or possibly a heat rash.

Old guy with big nose… uglyitus.

After 45 minutes of breathing into my armpit, the nurse finally calls my name and I bound past all the sickos.

The nurse grabbed her chart and invites me to hop on the scale. Without a trace of trepidation, I jump on and watch her fiddle with the slider. She writes down 208 on her chart (okay, I was wearing a hoodie and boots), and then whistles to herself.

“Whew,” she says, almost under her breath. “You’ve dropped a bunch of weight.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” I deadpan.

“You hadn’t noticed?” she looks up from the chart and gives me the stink-eye.

She strapped me up to check my blood pressure. 115 over 65.

“You’re normal,” she told me. “Well, your blood pressure is anyway.”

I was disappointed that they didn’t put me on a treadmill, because... frankly... I was gonna rock her world. Instead she just de-shirted me and hooked me up to an EKG machine. The result: “an athlete’s heart rate” is what she told me. That’s what I’m talking about!

The doctor came in and finished up my exam, including the uncomfortable groping and plunging portions of the program (I’m still having bad dreams…). Then we got to talking about the weight loss. He was interested in the why’s and how’s of it all.

During our discussion, I did bring up the subject of what my ideal weight ought to be. He told me that he uses the medically approved “ideal weight” and then adds 20 pounds to it, because that’s “the real world.”

He got out a calculator and figured mine to be 178 + 20 lbs. He checked my chart: “Well, you’re just about there.”

“If your nurses don’t mind weighing a naked dude,” I smiled. “I think I’m there already.”

The nurse just shook her head.

“Did I say normal?”


Saturday, January 16, 2010

What My Scale Might Say If It Could Talk

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I show my sincere commitment to recycling by throwing up old posts for you to read while I'm off running errands. This has been a somewhat serious week around JSGF, what with the Onederland lovefest and all, so I thought I'd balance out the equalibrium by re-posting a stupid list that has no redeeming qualities other than it made me chuckle to read it again. Hope that goes the same for you...

  • “Get off! Get off! Get off!”
  • “Maybe you’re just retaining fat.”
  • “They say any loss is a good loss. How’s about -.00001 lbs.?”
  • “Here comes the pain!”
  • “Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.”
  • “When you lose, you take all the credit; when you gain, ya blame me!”
  • “Looks like you’ve got Dunlap’s Disease. Your belly’s done lapped over your belt.”
  • “Ummmmph!”
  • “On the moon, you’d only weigh 43 pounds.”
  • “Why don’t you try again… maybe it’ll be drastically lower.”
  • “And you thought nobody saw you eat those chips…”
  • “Good news: you’re still beating anorexia!”
  • “Does this number make you look fat?”
  • “Tippin’ is encouraged. Get it, get it? Tippin’ the scales… ah, you don’t know funny.”
  • “Are you a glutton for punishment or just a regular glutton?”
  • “For God’s sake–will you please put on some underwear?”
  • “Let’s say we just call it two hundred and plenty?”
  • “I’ve got an idea: today I’ll stand on you and call you a f*ckin’ b*tch.”
  • “Say, are you losing weight?

Friday, January 15, 2010


Because I like to keep you guessing, I'm pulling the old blog-and-switch today. That's right, I'm swapping places with Michelle from Eating Journey and she's returning the favor here on JSGF.

When Michelle first "exposed herself" on her site, I remember thinking what a bold and brave statement she had made. When others stepped up to the plate and started showing some pride for their own well-earned scars and well-worn bodies, I began thinking there was something kinda powerful in the works, something poignant in the wind. Anyway, I asked her to come give you a little more insight into the background of this phenomenon while I do my daily jibber-jabber over at her place.

Exposing Myself

Hey there Jack Sh*ters -- I, Mish from Eating Journey, am honoured to be discussing the Exposed Movement with you here.

Jack Sh*t is where I constantly go to for inspiration, laughs, insight, and modified song lyrics :) He, me and many others have been on a weight-loss journey. I have lost over 100lbs and at one point was 30lbs lighter than I currently am. In 2009 I saw the scale creep back up and my self-confidence plummet.

I hated the way that I looked.

Then I started thinking, this is sh*t and I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore. That's when I posted this picture and called it Exposed.

It was meant for me, my little following, but more importantly as a symbolic beginning of loving the body that I had spent a year hating. Then people all over the blog world... and I quite literally mean the world... asked if they could be a part of it.

If they to could expose themselves.

There are now 30 people who have Exposed themselves in all different ways. All with stories of what their bodies have done for them. What they love about their bodies. How their bodies have given to others.
When people ask: How do I do this? I respond with: Take a picture of your body and either write on it or write below it--share your story

We live in a world where perfection isn't real. Where the unattainable is robbing us of the true beauty and power that our bodies give us each and everyday. When I look back at the night when I pressed 'publish' (sweating, shaking and thinking 'should i delete it') I am thankful that I finally gave my body the praise it deserved.

When people ask: What do you want the Exposed Movement to become? I respond with: A place where people find a place in their own personal journey to perhaps love a little more on themselves, to open up to their partner by becoming more open and loving with their body. Where negative self-talk is turned down and those little phrases are quieted in little kid's minds. Where someone... if they feel so inclined... exposes themselves.

I don't care how many people expose themselves. The current 30, maybe 100, maybe 1,000. All I care about is that one person walks away with the chains of negative self-talk, body image, binging being broken down.

May you find a little more love for what your body is, what it does and what it's done for you. It's a grassroots movement where the stories of those who have exposed themselves are testaments of immense strength, vulnerability and healing.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Doing Without

It’s difficult, cutting things you really like out of your diet.

Difficult, not impossible.

Be it sweets, salty snacks or sodas, sometimes it’s just better to go without than work it in, especially early on in your weight-loss journey.

“But I can’t do without!” I hear you wailing in a high falsetto voice. “I don’t want to feel deprived.”

I would say that you’re depriving yourself of the healthy future you deserve, but you don’t want to hear about that. You just want to tell me that it’s too, too hard. Poor, pitiful you.

I’m here to tell you that you’d be surprised at what you can do without temporarily. In order to illustrate my point (and at least attempt to make this post halfway interesting), I’m going to go for the rest of this entry without using the letter “e”.

A small amount of difficulty, indubitably, but nothing you can’t triumph with if you work at it and plan accordingly. Without a doubt, it’s an additional amount of work and you’d opt to carry on using it if you could (or having your fav food if you could).

You’ll find that planning is crucial in living without things you actually long for, things your brain is unmistakably craving. Find nourishing fill-ins and push that mad craving out of your mind. It’ll worry you for a bit at first, but soon your brain will start joining in on your mission.

It’s not all-important for you to go all of your days saying “No” to things you want, but it’s not until you turn old and gray, is it? I’m talking about a piddling span, just months possibly. Until you grasp that you can do without if that’s what this campaign insists from you.

And now and again, if you find that you can do without, you catch on that doing without isn’t such a big difficulty at all, you know?

Possibly you truly can’t do it. I don’t know you or just how much you think you want this. But I’m on this blog to say that it can occur if you’ll only try, if you’ll only stay striving to do an additional amount of work. It just might shock you what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it.

Is it hard? I don’t doubt that you’ll find a lot of tough, uphill motoring as you go, such as scouring a dictionary for fitting words in a post that you try to support a point using a ridiculous illustration.

But it is within your grasp. And it is worth it.

And if I can do this (and trust that it’s not as plain and straightforward as it looks), you can do that.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I'm sorry, I’m trying to reach nine-eleven.

Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.

Me: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?

Dispatcher: Yes, sir; nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Me: You gotta be sh*ttin’ me. D’ja know I spent $700 on a special phone just so I could have an “11” button. Now that I finally have a chance to use it, you tell me I didn’t even need it. Isn’t that always the way?

Dispatcher: What is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I’m really hungry tonight.

Dispatcher: Excuse me.

Me: I’m staaaaaaaaaarving.

Dispatcher: Sir, this line is for emerg…

Me: Yeah, emergencies, I know… but here’s the thing: in the past when I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve inevitably started slipping and before you know it, I’m right back where I was if not worse.

Dispatcher: Sir, is there some sort of trouble at your house?

Me: I’ll say. I was rooting around in the pantry and I found this old bag of Cheesy Chex Mix.

Dispatcher: Chex Mix?

Me: Yeah, it even says it’s low-fat, but the trick they use is that the serving size is about a thimble full.

Dispatcher: I don’t understand…

Me: I used to buy it all the time “for the kids.” Only here’s the thing: I don’t think any of my kids liked Cheesy Chex Mix. Oh Pisa will eat it, I guess, but Sallie Mae and Holly can’t stand the stuff. Yet I bought it every week, and every week I polished the bag off all my my lonesome.

Dispatcher: Sir, 9-1-1 calls are reserved for actual emergencies…

Me: Do you not understand? This stuff is like crack to me. If I eat a handful, it’s gonna be a whole bag and the next thing you know, I’ve got a grocery cart taking the turn to the snack aisle on two wheels.

Dispatcher: Can you not just throw the… the Cheesy Chex Mix in the trash can?

Me: An unopened bag? Are you mad? I’d be back rooting through the trash before you could say “What is the nature of your emergency?” to the next dude that calls.

Dispatcher: Sir, what do you want me to do about it?

Me: I know the firemen and paramedics are busy, but I was thinking that a dog catcher could work. Y'know, because he’s got one of those big nets.

Dispatcher: Sir, I really ought to bust you for tying up the 9-1-1 lines, but it just so happens that I’m fighting a little battle with my weight as well. My advice is for you to flush the offending materials down the facilities and go about your evening. You’ll feel better in the morning.

Me: Okay then. Well, thanks for your time and good luck on your own weight-loss journey.

Dispatcher: You sure you're gonna be okay.

Me: I got this... goodbye old friend.

Dispatcher: Was that to me or the Cheesy Chex Mix?

Me: (sound of toilet flushing and inconsolable sobbing)

Dispatcher: Well, okay then...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

All in This Together

I just wanted to take a quick break from regular Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit programming to tell you just how choked up, how overwhelmed, how seriously shaking-my-head-in-disbelief astonished I was (and continue to be) at the outpouring of congratulations, good wishes and support I received over reaching my latest milestone.

It was a crazy-ass morning at my casa on Sunday, and then I was out the door and to the gym to work in a much-needed weekend workout. Then I had to run by my parent’s house and help my dad Horace figure out something on his computer. He loves his new laptop, but it’s safe to say that he’s not completely up to speed on all of its features.

Me: Look, if the link doesn’t work, just cut and paste the address in the browser.
Horace: What’s a browser?
Me: Ummmm… the internet holder.
Horace: I don’t think my computer will cut and paste.
Me: I’m pretty sure it will.
Horace: I don’t know…
Me: There. See?
Horace: What’d you do?
Me: It’s a shortcut to cut and paste.
Horace: I don’t know what you did…
Me: Just cut… and then paste…
Horace: I’ll just write the address down on a pad and then type it in.
Me: And that works, too.

Anyway, I ran a few errands after leaving there and didn’t get back home until afternoon. Pisa had a friend over, so I rustled up some lunch and turned on the TV to check out a college basketball game I was interested in. My wife Anita stopped in to see what I was doing.

Anita: Basketball? Who’s playing?
Me: The Tennessee Volunteers vs The Kansas Jayhawks.
Anita: Who are you rooting for?
Me: Neither. I hate ‘em both.
Anita: Why do you hate the Kansas Jayhawks?
Me: Because they spoiled my trip to the Final Four two years ago with a lucky shot.
Anita: Why do you hate the Tennessee Vols?
Me: Because they’re the Tennessee Vols, dum....
Anita: Don’t call me “dumbass.”
Me: I was gonna say “dumpling.”
Anita: So… you’re sitting there hoping that both teams somehow lose?
Me: No, that would be stupid. I’m sitting here hoping that the stadium they’re playing in collapses.
Anita: Dumbass.

She left me to scream my dislike at both teams, and eventually I got bored of it all and fired up the laptop.

There were 80 comments under my weigh-in post, and by the time I finished reading those and hit “refresh”, there were 90. Unbelievable… simply unbelievable.

The support you people have consistently shown me along the way on my weight-loss journey has helped propel me toward, to and past my goals. You’ve been a big part in why I’ve been able to do what I’ve been able to do. All joking aside, I really don’t think I’d have been able to do it without you.

Many of you have told me that you get inspired by this site. Well, know that inspiration is a two-way street. I take in as much as I dole out, get as much as I give.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to my songs, my stories, my speeches and my silliness. Like you, I’m working my way through this long, difficult journey to becoming healthier and happier the best way I can, trying to make my life be what I want it to be instead of what I’ve allowed it to be up until this point.

I really am touched that you’re all a part of it all, and I look forward to continuing down the path with you by my side.

After all, we're all in this together.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I’m Not Apologizing For This One…

I weighed this afternoon.
The number didn’t start with two.
One thing I've left to do,
Weigh-in on my
Weigh-in to you.

No more games of “What if”
One pound makes all the diff.
One pair of running shoes and
Some bubblegum, too.

Because I had a goal
And I made it.
Even though I didn’t know
Jack Sh*t.
I took all my big plans,
And achived 'em.
I'm so proud not to be so wide.

My body’s in Onederland.
My body is a wonder (understand?)
My body’s in Onederland.

Something 'bout the way
That scale fell down to the 190’s
I love the shape I’ve taken
Standing there in my tighty-whiteys.
I’ve told you how it’s gone and
What I’ve gone through to lose it.
It’s time to let your waist get replaced
With muscle, it’s time to choose it.

If you got a goal,
You can make it.
Take your determination
And wake it.
Take all your bad habits
And break 'em.
This is bound to be worthwhile.

Your body’s in Onederland.
Your body is a wonder (understand?)
My body’s in Onederland.

Damn scale,
You frustrate me.
This loss is mine, all mine, all mine,
Even though weighing in hurts sometimes.

My body’s in Onederland.
My body’s a wonder (give me a hand)
My body’s in Onederland.
My body’s in Onederland.


Sunday, January 10, 2010


Weekly weigh-in: 199.5
Loss: -1.8
Total loss: 92.0 lbs.
Emotion: A sense of wonder

Some people are trying to get to their “college days” weight, some are trying to get back to their “day I got married” weight. Some may even be shooting for their “high school prom” weight.

Me? I literally cannot remember ever weighing less than 200 lbs. I’m sure I did at one point, but I think I never stood on a scale in those days. I was too busy playing with Hot Wheels on my Sizzlers Fat Track.

My wife Anita was out of town all week, so I took the opportunity to do two things that generally help me lose weight: double up my workouts and eat my own cooking. I kept an “Assault on Onederland” mindset all week, pushing myself harder on workouts and pushing myself away from the table.

My mother Shirley has been on my case to not lose any more weight, but my medically approved, scientifically calculated weight range is 156-204 lbs (yikes… I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get to 156 even if I scooped out all my internal organs).

They say that men tend to allow their ideal weight to be higher than medically recommended. The funny thing is that women tend to imagine their ideal weight is unrealistically low, so they diet unnecessarily. Apparently, men and women should learn take a lesson from one another and meet somewhere in the middle.

For me, this journey will definitely transition from a weight-loss mode to more of a focus on fitness and keeping the pounds off. My yo-yo history means that I can’t take my eyes completely off the scale, but I’m not going to kill myself trying to get down much more.

But for now, I’m going to celebrate a bigger accomplishment than I ever imagined I could achieve.

How does it feel now that I’ve finally made it?


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Regrettable Comments I’ve Left on Weight Loss Blogs

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I serve low-fat rehash. One of the good things about having such a crappy short-term memory is that when I go back and read some of these older posts, I don't remember them. This one made me snicker a bit, mostly because I have a bad tendency to comment on other people's blogs with the first thing that comes to my head. It's not always the smartest of moves...

Have you ever left a comment on somebody’s weight loss blog, and then immediately thought “Oh, maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say?” And then you were going to erase it and write something more sensible, but then your daughter Pisa calls you at the office and tells you to bring home popsicle sticks for a project she’s working on so you gotta spend the rest of the day eating popsicles even when you’re not really that hungry and the Popsicle Dude only had lime popsicles after you chased him all the way down the street yelling “Whoa! Stop! Popsicle Dude!” Yeah, me too.

  • “You’ve come a long way, Fatty.”
  • “Maybe your mom hates you.”
  • “Your kid sure is funny-looking.”
  • “If anything, it looks like you’ve gained weight.”
  • “Maybe they fired you because you were incompetent.”
  • “That haircut is hideous.”
  • “Wow, your daughter’s smokin’. What’s her email address?”
  • “That dish looks like somebody threw up on a plate.”
  • “Jesus… just give up already.”
  • “Maybe he hasn’t called because he’s been in a car accident.”
  • “Just do everything your husband says and your marriage will be fine.”
  • “Have you ever heard of “spelcheck,” stupid?
  • “I lose more than that when I break wind.”
  • “Will you please quit talking about “losing a stone”? I don’t even know what that means…”
  • “Who designed your blog… a sea-sick chimpanzee?”
  • “You deserve a reward. How about a pan of warm brownies and a glass of whole milk?”
  • “Gain because of TOM? Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”
  • “LOL at your cancer story.”
Now be sure and leave me a comment today... but think about it before you do.

Note: The thing that made me laugh most when I reread this was the comment section, where a couple of people informed me that you can buy popscicle sticks at the craft store and I replied, "Yes, yes, yes... I'm aware you can buy popsicle sticks at a craft store, but they come in packs of 50 and she only needed 15 or so. How stupid would it have been to buy a whole pack and have all those leftover sticks? Think, people. Think!"


Friday, January 8, 2010

More Weight-Loss Nursery Rhymes

The Wise Old Owl
A wise old owl blogged ‘bout his weight.
The more he wrote, the less he ate.
The less he ate, the more losses occurred.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

Baa Baa Fat Sheep
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any determination?
No sir, no sir,
Need some motivation.
Some to make me eat less,
And some to make me move,
And some from all the blogs
That keep me in my groove.
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any will?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Now I’m made of steel.

Georgie Pudgie
Georgie Pudgie, pudding and pie,
Ate all the time and didn’t know why.
Ate all his pain, and boredom and strife.
Georgie Pudgie ate his life.

Pop Goes the L-Bs
Half a pound’s a very good job.
Half a pound’s no fail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes.
Down! Goes the scale.
Working hard is really hard work,
But you can prevail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes,
Down! Goes the scale.

Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle,
Too much in the middle,
You blew up just like a balloon.
Being more fit is way much more fun.
Now get moving and put down that spoon!

Healthy-boy Jickory Jack
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack,
He wants a healthy snack.
The clock struck three,
Raw almonds, green tea.
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack

Little Boy You
Little boy you, come blog your journey.
Be you housewife, mechanic, doc or attorney.
Where you live is not the big question.
Fill us in on your progression.
Will you give up? No, not you.
Just do the best that you can do.

Little Jack Sh*tter
Little Jack Sh*tter
Goofs off on Twitter,
Tweeting for all that he’s worth.
They may be dumb,
But I’ll tell ya, chum.
It helps him to fight off his girth.

Monday’s Meal
Monday's meal is full of fat.
Tuesday's meal is more of that.
Wednesday's meal is indefensible.
Thursday’s meal much more sensible.
Friday's meal is 1500 calories at most.
Saturday’s meal is melba toast.
And then it comes down to weigh-in day…
Why didn’t I lose weight today?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Features of the New Weight-Loss Car, The Chevy Jolt

  • Special GPS navigation system calculates route that bypasses all donut shops
  • Sensor shuts down engine if it catches whiff of bacon
  • Glove compartment replaced with salad crisper
  • Driver’s-side window won’t roll down to discourage fast-food drive-thrus
  • Digital gas gauge, scale and body fat indicator
  • Rear view mirror makes your face look much, much slimmer
  • Seat belts have measurements printed on them.
  • Has a "uretor" instead of a "carburetor"
  • OnStar-ve diagnostics system senses when you’re weakening and has Jillian’s voice mercilessly screech at you
  • Air bags filled with low-fat popcorn
  • Runs out of gas intermittently to make you walk more
  • V8 engine actually dispenses V8 vegetable juice through dashboard
  • Brake really hard to depress to work driver’s calf muscle
  • Air conditioner emits foul odor to suppress appetite
  • Radio plays nothing but Jack Sh*t song parodies

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

And Away We Go…

Listen to me: there is no excuse, no rationale, no possible reason why this year shouldn't be, can't be, won't be, the one where you finally get your act together and make a little something special happen on this magical mystery weight-loss tour of yours.

If you're anything like me (and for argument's sake, let's just assume you're exactly like me in every way), then this ain’t your first rodeo. Maybe in the past, your good intentions and willpower held out for six weeks or maybe it was closer to six hours (remember, I'm working under the assumption that you're exactly like me).

Maybe you followed an enormous breakfast with a proclamation of “No more!” and then followed that proclamation of “No more!” with an enormous lunch.

Maybe you've even convinced yourself that you can't do this, that it's simply too tough for you.

Well, allow me to just say one thing: Wheezy britches bubblepop flickerdoodle sansabelt Sasquatch.

Hey, if you can talk crazytalk, well, then so can I.

Because that's what that kind of dump-dwellin' thinking is anyway--just a bunch of crazytalk.

Pass your peepers over that row of numbers cascading down the side of my bloggity-blog. That's the kind of drop you can achieve when you get your head in the game and your ass in gear. I had no idea what I was doing when I started, but I did know that it was time, that I was ready for a change.

You may be ready for a change, too. I suspect that you are. Well, change is about booting the horrible habits that have done you such a disservice and embracing the idea that you have the power within you to make good choices concerning your food, your health, your life.

Your journey won't be like mine, won't be like anyone else's. You have to make your own way, forge your own path.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, you may feel like I once did: as though I were defined by all the things I wasn't instead of all the things I was. This is your chance to make a new start and to really bring it home this time. This is your opportunity to redefine yourself. On your terms.

Dropping the weight won't necessarily make your life picture-perfect, but I'm willing to wager you a Ben Franklin that it'll make your life better. That it'll make dealing with whatever you have to deal with ten times easier.

Leave the "I can't do it" thoughts and the worthless excuses by the wayside, and let's start the slow, steady climb back to where you want to be, where you deserve to be.

Where you belong.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Advice From People Smarter Than Me

I try to parcel out weight-loss and fitness advice every now and then, but it’s hard for me to do with a straight face all the time.

I really have to fight off the natural urge to say something along the lines of “If you don’t think you can manage a low-carb diet, start off with a low-crab diet and go from there.”

Luckily, I have friends that are way smarter than me and willing to share their wisdom over here. I asked them to boil down their best advice in a super-concentrated burst of extra-potent perspicacity.

Here’s what they have to say…
  • “As I journeyed to lose 158 pounds, I learned that it’s important to learn to say ‘no’. Saying ‘yes’ to cakes and pies is easy, but learning to say ‘no’ to foods you don’t want or need is very freeing and empowering.” –Diane from Fit to the Finish
  • “If you keep going on & off a ‘diet’ (which by the way is NOT a lifestyle change for life), you’ll never learn to ‘listen’ or understand your body and how it reacts to certain food choices AND exercise. I have been able to keep this up so long and keep it off because I LISTEN TO MY BODY AND MAKE CHANGES BASED ON WHAT MY BODY AND LIFE ARE TELLING ME. Each choice I’ve made is one I know I can live with lifelong or until my bod tells me otherwise.” – Jody from Truth2BeingFit
  • “If I could pass along one ‘here’s the answer to all the fitness/healthy living stuff that ails ya’ tip, it would be simply one word: CONSISTENCY. The key for both losing and maintaining is moving. Consistently. Every day. Day in day out. Year in year out. People consistently ask me how many hours I workout a day and seem not to want to believe how little exercise I do (30 minutes pretty much every day, ranging from traditional exercise to vigorous dance parties with my daughter). I am simply consistent and that, in my opinion, is the key. I move every day. In some fashion. No matter how busy I am. No matter what else is happening in my life. No matter what silly form my movement may need to take to squeeze it in. Day in day out. Year in year out. Consistently.”– Carla from MizFit
  • “The two most important elements for success? Self-honesty and consistency. You have to be very real with yourself and your habits. You have to accept responsibilty for every choice you make. Understanding the power of a choice is so critical---when you realize this, get super honest with yourself---and protect your journey by giving it a super high importance level---and realize consitency is key. Well, how can you fail? You can't. Success is yours for the taking!” – Sean Anderson from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser
  • “I have tons of advice but it would start by "eating clean," which basically is combining complex carbs/proteins and eating six times a day. This keeps the metabolism from crashing, prevents hunger, & provides fuel for the body. When the body is working at it's peak, you want it to utilize the fat for energy and not muscle. Also, especially for women they need to add weight training at least 2x a week along with cardio into their exercise program.”–Shannon from Shannigans
  • “Find an activity you love and know you will stick with. If you hate running on a treadmill, you won't do it. Love dancing? Enroll in a dance class. Boxing? Go to a boxing ring. Fitness is creative and FUN!” –Alison Foster from Foster Fitness
  • “I discovered the sure path to permanent weight loss is to find out why you eat and solve that. Otherwise, that wicked "why" comes back to haunt you like bad Halloween candy hiding in your sock drawer. Once solved, that "why" will leave your life and take the bad candy with it.” –Pat Barone, "America's Weight Loss Catalyst"
  • “Typical NY resolution: massive changes and maybe a cleanse diet. Embrace logic instead: make small changes that you can live with forever” –David Kirchhoff, President & CEO, Weight Watchers Intl (and a Lifetime Member), plus a little blogging at Man Meets Scale
You would probably have figured it out on your own, but this is a wonderful collection of health and fitness resources, people who regularly provide insightful information and informational insights. I strongly encourage you to follow the links and check them out for yourself.


Monday, January 4, 2010

Lo Siento, Ricky Martin

She’s into margaritas, black beans and burritos.
If she eats much more salsa, she won’t fit into her clothes.
She’s into combinations, nuevo dishes to delight.
She’s got a Mex addiction; she could eat it every night.

She'll make you order cheese dip (an extra large one should suffice),
She'll make you feed her crazy indulgence; it’s her most awful vice.
Corona with a big lime slice. Chow down!

Upside, inside out she's livin’ fajita loca.
She'll eat and eat some more, livin’ fajita loca.
Her lips are picante red as she chews on guacamole.
She is overeating, livin fajita loca. Chow down!
Livin’ fajita loca, chow down!
She's livin’ fajita loca.

Woke up with a new ambition.
In a funk she’ll be no more.
She’s got new heart, and she’s got new purpose.
She’s not going to live like she’s lived before.
Now she just drinks the water
And never orders an appetizer.
Once she got a taste of health, it really did surprise her.
Yeah, she's gotten so much wiser.

Upside, inside out she was livin’ fajita loca.
She'd eat and eat some more, livin’ fajita loca.
Her lips were picante red, she’d chew on guacamole.
No longer overeating, livin’ fajita loca. Come On!
Livin’ fajita loca, come on!
Not livin’ fajita loca.

She'll make herself good choices
And she’ll enjoy her days more thin.
She loves to live her healthy life,
Said goodbye to her double chin.
She’ll never be fat again! Come On!

Upside, inside out she was livin’ fajita loca.
She'd eat and eat some more, livin’ fajita loca.
Her lips were picante red, she’d chew on guacamole.
No longer overeating, livin’ fajita loca. Come On!
Livin’ fajita loca, come on!
Not livin’ fajita loca.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Ennie Minnie Ninety Mo

Weekly weigh-in: 201.3
Loss: -1.4
Total loss: 90.2 lbs.
Emotion: Ready to Go

There I was, playing a game of tug-of-war with my brain. I mean, part of me really wanted to blast past the 200 lb. mark in 2009. After all, ’09 was the year that I got my act together and started this mind-boggling body-odyssey. Why not end the year in spectacular fashion?

Then there was that rational part of me (the one that’s no fun at parties) that said this: “What’s the hurry, bubba?” Its argument was that we should be looking at this as a lifestyle change, not a sprint to any particular number. It goes on to put dire warnings in my head, recalling all the times I’ve lost and yo-yo’d right back

In the end, I balanced some crazy-hard workouts and really good days with some bigger-than-usual meals and little-too-much party grazing. The net result? A nice loss, blasting me past the 90-lb. mark (my dog Dip was skulking around this morning looking pitifully frightened; apparently she didn’t get the memo that she was off the hook…).

One of the first things you learn on this weight-loss rollercoaster is that the scale can be as unpredictable as a drunken prom date. However, I’m calling my shot: when we gather back in this spot a week from today, I will be corresponding with you from that mythically enchanted landscape known as Onederland (I’m already saving up to buy souvenirs). I have not an iota’s worth of doubt that I can get this done over the next seven days, and if you can find anybody who’ll take action on it, bet the house. I am all over this…

One last note: I think I scared some folks when I said this place was getting more serious for the new year. I really meant that it was getting serious for the amount of time most people get serious about their weight loss when the new year rolls around: about three to four days. I might be a little more solemn and somber for a week or so, but to quote that famous Greek philosopher Popeyeitus, “I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam.”

Anyway… next stop: Onederland!


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