Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Signs Your Personal Trainer Isn't Up to Snuff

• Sits on your stomach and trims his toenails while you’re doing bench presses

• Eats three caramel apples during your session

• Speaks to you in language he made up himself

• Spends an hour working on your “shintoid” muscles

• Spends first thirty minutes trying to convince you professional wrestling isn't fake

• Makes you hold funnel while he pours tequila into his water bottle

• Carries clipboard, but only thing on it is a beat-up copy of Hustler magazine

• Wants you to do set of five “Fire Alarm Pulls”

• Yanks your pants down while you’re trying to chin-ups

• Finishes every sentence with “according to the prophecy”

• His “kettlebell” is a grapefruit with a duct-tape handle

• Offers to be paid in meth.

• Counts “1…2…8…9… 10!”

• Advertises on Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Worst Prince Tribute You'll See This Month

I was eating like hell 
At the Taco Bell,

Enchiladas and a large ice tea.
Shouldn’t eat like that; 

It was makin’ me fat
'Cause I ate a bit 2 eagerly.

Nutritionally I was eating 

Something close 2 nothing
The same way I did the day before
That's when I saw her,
Ooh, I saw her
She had a drink I’d never seen before…

She drank a

Raspberry smoothie
The kind they make in a smoothie-making store
Raspberry smoothie.
And since it’s low-fat, 

I can drink a little more.

Raspberry smoothie
I think I love you.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Listen to Mother (Goose, That Is)

A Triscuit, A Biscuit

A Triscuit, a biscuit,
Hash browns straight from the skillet.
I used to eat all the things I love, 
But along the way I stopped it.

I stopped it, I stopped it,
I hated to, but I stopped it.
A littler boy was the result,
With smaller clothes in his closet.

Seizure Song

What’s wrong with thou?
Jackie got a new personal trainer.

Skinny, Minny, Miney, Mo

Skinny, minny, miney, mo.
Ordered a pizza without the dough,
Offered a beer, just said “no”
Skinny, minny, miney, mo.


If all the world were apple pie,
And all the sea were Guiness,
And all the trees were bread and cheese,
We’d have no chance at thinness.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

King (Sized) of the Jungle

"Cheetah, beer me!"

"I can't believe you've got that monkey bringing your lazy ass alcoholic beverages, Jackzan," frowned Janita.

"I tried to teach him to make banana daiquiris, but they were a little too banana-y."

"You used to be so fit," complained Janita. "Remember how you used to swing on vines through the forest?"

"Well, why'd we buy that Little Rascal if you didn't want me using it?"


"Look," said Jackzan. "I don't want to argue about who did or didn't agree or not agree about what we should or shouldn't buy or not buy..."

"Look, we've known each other for a long time," smiled Janita. "I know that you look and feel better when you're at a healthier weight. For God's sake, Simba the elephant collapsed the other day when you tried to ride her."

"Okay," said Jackzan, standing up and stretching. "C'mon, Cheetah. We're going for a swim."

"Ummmm, Jackzan?"


"Your loin cloth is showing an awful lot of loin."

Monday, April 18, 2016

I've Hit the Tipping Point (Health Tipping, That Is)

• You can make your own homemade cottage cheese by... okay, you got me:  I have no idea how to make my own cottage cheese. I hope you're happy!

• Instead of eating biscuits, try not eating biscuits.

• You can make yourself drink more water by just being more forceful with yourself: QUIT BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND DRINK SOME MORE WATER, JACK!

• An easy way to track your daily calories is to hire a recent college graduate as your personal Daily Calorie Tracker. Thank you, incredibly weak economy!

• One way to lessen road rage is to keep a mannequin in the passenger seat and stab it repeatedly in the chest with a Bowie knife while screaming at the top of your lungs whenever another driver does something that enrages you.

• If you suffer from allergies because of so much pollen this time of year, try shutting the hell up about it and not annoying those of us who don't suffer from allergies.

• You should not eat panda meat because pandas are an endangered species, plus they extremely high-fat.

• A smart way to be more productive during the day is to only read my blog once or twice a day.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Just Ask Jack

Dear Jack,
Is there a magic pill that can make me loose weight?

No, but there is a magic book that can teach you how to spell words correctly and it's called a "dictionary."

Dear Jack,
I know I should drink more water, but I really don't like water. What can I do?

You can try either infusing your water with fruits, vegetables or herbs or consider putting a couple of lit sparklers in your mouth.

Dear Jack, 
I know I should exercise, but I've got seven loads of laundry to do. I'm at my wit's end.

Do you have access to a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches?

Dear Jack,
I have a blog and often have difficulty coming up with fresh things to write about. Any suggestions?

Have you considered starting a feature where you pretend readers are sending you questions and then answer them in a charmless and condescending manner?

Got a question for Jack?
You can email me at my email address.
Oh yeah… here it is right here.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Health-Inspired Songs for the Wee Little Children

Solomon Chunky
Solomon Chunky,

Began on Monday,

Chinese on Tuesday,

Buffet on Wednesday,

Happy Hour Thursday,

Pizza on Friday,

Dieted on Saturday,

Gained on Sunday,

Nothing ends 
For Solomon Chunky.

Ain’t It Great to Be Healthy?
A horse and a flea and three fat dogs,

Tried to lose the most on their weight loss blogs.

The horse lost a pound and taunted the flea.

“Dammit,” said the flea, “Tain’t fair for me!”

Blog, blog, ain’t it great to be healthy?
Blog, blog, ain’t it great to be healthy?

Happy and hearty the whole day through
Blog, blog, ain’t it great to be healthy?

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Beer Belly Gone?
Oh where, oh where has my beer belly gone?
Oh where, oh where can it be?

With my meals cut short and my workouts long.

Oh where, oh where can it… oh, I see! It’s all about burning more calories than you consume. So simple!

Old Jack Sh*tter

Old Jack Sh*tter was a fat ol’ man
He ate hash browns from the frying pan.
He wore blue jeans that were way too tight
And he never could stick to his diet.

Life’s not good for old Jack Sh*tter
He just ate an apple fritter.

Fritter’s gone, makes him go nuts
He just left to get more donuts.

Old Jack Sh*tter went to town
Stopped at every buffet around.
Ate like it was some kind of sickness
Put three restaurants out of business.

Get out the way for ol’ Jack Sh*tter
Obesity has made him bitter.
Bitter now, but better he’ll be
When he quits being so B-I-G.

Jack finally started to fly straight.
Begun doing something ‘bout his weight
Got a fire–not food–in his belly
Excercising and eating healthy.

Get out the way for new Jack Sh*tter.
Providing health tips there on Twitter.
Twitter, sure, and he’s got a blog, too
He sure hopes you'll get more fit, too.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Best Political Weight Loss Blogs

• Ted Cruz Has a Lot to Lose

 More Trump, Less Rump

• Hillary Is Getting Healthery!

• A Little Less Tush for Jeb! Bush

• Feel the Burn with Bern!

• Mucho Cardio with Marco Rubio

• Welcome to the Herbal Tea Party

• Getting a Little Less Liberal with My Portions

• Chris Christy, Gettin’ Fitsy

• Obama Cares (About His Fitness)

 Veg, White & Blue – Eating Healthier is the American Weigh


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