Friday, November 30, 2012

They Call Me "Fitter"

They called me fatter, fatter,
Fatter than Oprah,

No one could be,
Much more fatter than me.

And we know fatter, makes for a bad fate,
Time to go lose weight, time to break free.

Everyone loves
The scale going down,
Ever so lovely, to lose a pound.
Start feeling better, pants not so tight
Now that I work out and watch my diet.

Now they call me fitter, fitter,
Fitter than Jillian,

No one you see,
Is more fitter than me,
And we know fitter’s so much better than bigness.
I’m all about fitness; I’m a true devotee! 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The “Am I Ready for the Holidays?” Quiz

1. You’re at a friend’s house and see a decorative gingerbread house on the table. When left alone in the room, you…

A. Admire the craftsmanship that went into the structure’s design and construction
B. Sneak one of the gumdrops off the roof
C. Unleash “Hurricane Eaty”

2. You’re at the store and notice that they’ve started selling eggnog for the holiday season. You…

A. Pass it by realizing that a nice cup of holiday tea would be healthier
B. Pick up a small carton to help celebrate the season
C. Chug an entire gallon right there in the dairy section

3. You’re out at the mall doing some holiday shopping when you realize that you’re really hungry. You…

A. Eat the healthy snack you packed for just such a contingency
B. Rip open the package Christmas cookies you bought “for the kids”
C. Become the reason for Cinnabon’s record-breaking sales day

4. You’re at a holiday party when you spot a table loaded down with sugary sweets. You…

A. Maneuver yourself away from the tempting treats
B. Take one or two small pieces to satisfy your sweet tooth
C. Pull up a chair and eat until you fall into a sugar coma

5. The average weight gain during the holidays is eight pounds. You…

A. Mindfully track calories and exercise so that you’ll gain less than that
B. Plan to enjoy yourself during the holiday season and lose it back in January
C. Have already gained eight pounds since Thanksgiving. :(

6. You’ve been invited to participate in a Holiday Cookie Exchange. You…

A. Regretfully decline to participate
B. Participate, but give the cookies away at school or work
C. Eat so many that Cookie Monster looks at you and goes “Dayummmmm”

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Mo' Mojo

Dude, you’re pretty soft; haven’t you been working out?

Uh no, I’ve really been slacking.

Oh no, you need a boost; I mean, mo’ mojo.

Ohhh… mo’ mojo. Cool…

When you want to spur a workout partner (mo’ mojo)

And make ‘em work out just a lil’ harder (mo’ mojo)

To tell a dude how to raise his game (mo’ mojo) 

Say ‘mo’ mojo’ so you can fan the flame (mo’ mojo)

Hey, yo man, you got to pump some iron (mo’ mojo)
It’s time to really get them pistons firin’ (mo’ mojo) 

Do push-ups til’ your arms are weary (mo’ mojo)

Go joggin’ while you argue with Siri (mo’ mojo)

It’s hard to exercise but you should (mo’ mojo)

It’ll leave you feelin’ hella good (mo’ mojo)

So pack a gym bag so you always ready (mo’ mojo)

You know you love to get hot and sweaty (mo’ mojo)

I admit it I’m a lazy cuss (mo’ mojo)

But I’m gonna do this for an hour plus (mo’ mojo)
And yo, I’m smellin’ just a little foul (mo’ mojo)
Damn, but I forgot to bring a shower towel (mo’ mojo)

I know you hate it when I really stink (mo’ mojo)
Maybe I’ll wash my pits off in the sink (mo’ mojo)

Yeah, man I’m really feeling pumped right now (mo’ mojo)

Are you really feeling pumped right now? (mo’ mojo)

Yo, we should do Jillian’s workout tape (mo’ mojo)
So we can get ourselves in better shape (mo’ mojo)

Man, we should put some focus on our quads (mo’ mojo)

Yo, it’s time to really love our bods (mo’ mojo)

Hey yo I’ve been thinking ‘bout a Zumba class (mo’ mojo)

Hey yo I’ve been thinking about losing some ass (mo’ mojo)

Or we could exercise while we dine (mo’ mojo)

Or do jumpin’ jacks in a line (mo’ mojo)

Or we could go and run a marathon (mo’ mojo)

And when we finish run another one! (mo’ mojo)

Hey yo mo’ mojo but I wanna dress up in spandex

And strut through the gym while I pose down and flex
Yeah mo’ mojo but I wish we lived in Ancient Greece
Enter the Olympics and earn five golds apiece.

Hey mo’ mojo but today I’m gonna get real jiggy

And I love it that I’m not such a too-big biggie.

Those two words have set me free (mo’ mojo)

Damn, it feels good to be (mo’ mojo)

Monday, November 26, 2012

A Night on the Strip...

Albert: Hey, Hey, Hey…

Jack: Hey, aren’t you…?

Albert: I’m Faaaaaat Albert!

Jack: Uh oh, Al. That’s exactly the kind of negative self recriminations that we’re fighting here at T.O.O.N.

Albert: Who?

Jack: T.O.O.N. Toons Overcoming Obesity Now; it’s my new weight-loss workshop for overweight cartoon characters. We meet every Monday evening.

Albert: The flyer said there’d be free cookies.

Jack: Yeah, I just put that on the flyer to help with attendance. Here... have a seat and I’ll introduce the others. That’s Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown: Good grief... I’m not fat. I just have a really big, really round head.

Jack: Uh huh, and that’s the… well… that’s the Fat Broad from B.C.

Fat Broad: I’m on the Paleo diet.

Jack: And beside her is Cathy.

Cathy: Awwwwwk. I just want to lose 10 pounds before swimsuit season starts tomorrow!

Jack: Whatever. And that’s the Pointy-Haired Boss from Dilbert.

PHB: I thought this was a manager’s seminar.

Jack: That’s Walt from Zits and the dad from FoxTrot. And… okay, who let that damn cat in again?

Sgt Snorkel: Ummmmm, you can’t say “damn”… you need to say “%&;#” instead.

Mr. Dithers: I don’t get it; I’ve got an employee that eats these giant sandwiches and he’s skinny as all Hell… I mean, “#@&%%;”.

Jack: Ummmm… the meeting hasn’t officially kicked off yet, Mister D.

Ziggy: Hey, there’s a little kid in the parking lot keying up all the cars.


Jack: Where’s everybody going? We need to get the meeting started!

Albert: Hey, is that cat eating lasagna?

Jack: $&%! That’s my supper, Garfield!

Albert: Hey, hey, hey! This is great! Where do I sign up?

Jack: I hate Mondays.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I Am Full... of Health Tips!

• Turn a regular desk into a treadmill by flipping it upside-down, then figuring out some way to make a tread go round-and-round.

• Switch to low-fat, organic, whole wheat cigarettes.

• Can’t afford a fancy heart-rate monitor? You can make your own with a digital watch and a wire connected directly to your heart.

• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.

• You can make your diet more low-fat by eating less fat, dumbass.

• Enjoy the benefits of probiotic drinks, or, at the very least, don't drink a bunch of anti-biotic drinks.

• Can't sleep? Try a warm cup of Ambien tea right before bed.

• Some folks actually have trouble gaining weight; to those people I offer this simple-to-follow advice: why not try shutting the hell up, please?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving Survival Guide

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

With Friends Like These...

Devil: You know what would be good right now? An ice cream sammich.

Jack: I really wish you’d put a sock in it.


Jack: I really wish my good angel was still on my other shoulder to balance you out...

Devil: He’s back, dumbass. YO, GOODIE-TWO-SHOES!

Angel: Oh hey.

Devil: What up my brother from an angel mother?

Angel: Just been chilling at Heaven’s 7-11, my Devil dawg.

Jack: You know, you two really aren’t supposed to be friends…

Angel: What’s his problem?

Oh, you know Jack. He’s upset no matter whether he's not losing weight or if he’s gaining weight.

Jack: Y'know. I really could have used some "good angel" help this week…

Angel: I'm more of a "pretty good angel," actually.

Devil: I still don’t see no ice cream sammich in your hand, Big J.

I tell ya… between him telling me to be bad and you telling me… well… nothing, it’s a wonder I have any success at all.

Angel: Hey, excuse me for taking a lil’ vacation, bitch!

Jack: I’m not saying you have to do any heavy lifting, but just a little bit of help now and again…

Devil: You see what I’ve been dealing with?

Angel: Let’s go get some beer and wings.

Devil: Wings! I see what you did there. Man, it’s good to have you back!

Jack: *sigh*

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Ways to Improve Weight Watchers

Besides being a best-selling author (Weight Loss Boss), Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff is extremely humble. If you meet him on the street and ask him if he’s friends with me, he’ll answer "no." He doesn’t want to take advantage of our friendship and my popularity to make you buy his book. That's just the kinda guy he is...

Nonetheless, we are BFFs, and I often send him ideas for him to use to make Weight Watchers even better. No thanks necessary, Special K...

• Instead of confusing "points" system, why not simply take caloric value of all the foods eaten over the course of a day and then subtract caloric value of all the foods NOT eaten that day?

• Start each meeting with my new WW theme song (sung to the tune of "Green Acres"):

Weight Watchers is the plan for me,
Fifty pounds lighter's where I’d like to be.
Ass not spreadin’ out so far and wide.
Screw Jenny Craig, let us be your weight loss guide!

• Replace all chairs at meetings with unicycles.

• Instead of little pins and doodads when somebody loses a certain number of pounds, what about a honest-to-God gold bar? Talk about motivation!

• Introduce new company mascot, Willard the Weight-Loss Wolverine, who will rip your face off if you open a package of cookies.

• Lobby Washington to have Pringles designated as a controlled substance.

• Encourage all locations not to give the stink-eye to people who pay with a jar of change. SOME FOLKS ARE ON A BUDGET, Y’KNOW!

• Why all the focus on how much everybody weighs? How about trying not to be so judgmental? Maybe that way we can all learn a little something about one another and the healing can finally begin. And we can start eating pie again.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Expiration Date - R.I.P. Twinkee the Kid

Nurse: Are you Jack?

Jack: Yes, ma’am.

You’re just in time. (dramatic pause) He’s not going to last much longer.

Jack: Why is he asking for me anyway?

Nurse: He said you two were once best friends.

Jack: We did spend a lot of time together back when I was a kid, but we kinda had a falling out.

Nurse: Well, he’s barely hanging on. He’s in pretty bad shape. Go on in, but try not to upset him.

Jack: Hey there, buddy.

Twinkee the Kid: *cough cough * oh, hi, Jack.

Jack: I would have thought you’d want your family around at a time like this.

Twinkee the Kid: Devil Dog, Ding Dong, King Don, HoHo… (sob) they’re all gone, Jack.

Yeah, I heard.

Twinkee the Kid: We had some good times though, didn’t we?

Jack: Yeah, we did.

Twinkee the Kid:
Remember that camping trip when you ate an entire box at one time?

Jack: Unfortunately, I do.

Twinkee the Kid: Those were the days, my friend. What happened between us, Jack? What happened?

Jack: I kinda started eating a lot less processed crap foods.

Twinkee the Kid: * cough * c’mere… Jack…

Jack: What? What is it?

Twinkee the Kid: Closer… closer….

Jack: Yes?


Jack: Owwwww. What was that for?

Twinkee the Kid:
For that “processed crap food” zinger.



Twinkee the Kid:
That was a good one.

Jack: Yes it was.

Twinkee the Kid: *sniff* I’m going to that giant thrift store in the sky, Jack.

Jack: You’ll be back, Kid.

Twinkee the Kid:
You think so?

Yeah, you’ve got too many preservatives in your system to die.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Well On Our Weigh

People frequently contact me and ask that I lay the secret of losing weight on them, as if I have all the answers in my back pocket but simply choose to share silly song parodies or pass along fart jokes on my blog instead of doling out the good stuff.

But I’ve spent enough of my life driving in the fat lane to feel a little empathy for somebody seeking answers.

The simple truth is that there are no uncomplicated solutions, no pat answers. What works for me might not necessarily be the path that’s right for you.

We all have to find our own way.

That said, I’ll be happy to tell anyone who asks how it happened for me: it was an Easter Sunday three years ago and I had been questioning whether I was ever going to be making any headway in my own personal Battle of the Bulge.

I was home alone, my family off doing I-can’t-remember-what. I do recall the long come-to-Jesus I had with myself that weekend, and I remember stumbling upon the wonderful world of weight-loss blogging. Somehow, someway, it all started coming together for me that weekend and magic started happening… on my scale, on my blog, in my life.

It really is a marvel when we finally discover that spark that lies within each of us, that reservoir of strength, commitment and determination that turns just-another-diet into a transformative experience.

I can’t tell you how to do it, but I’m here to tell you that you can do it.

And believing that is the first step to making your own miracle happen.

Last week: 238.4 lbs.
Loss: -.4

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I've Got Friends With Low Weigh-ins

Blame it all on my blog

I work out like a dog,

And kill on my weigh-in each week.

Each Sunday, you know,
Each Sunday I show,

It’s the day I give

A glimpse of my physique.

I’m nowhere near done

With my weight-losing fun.

But I’m chillin’ a bottle of lite champagne.

I’m not at goal weight
But, honey, don’t get irate,

Cuz’ there’s others that’re losin’ as well.

Oh, I've got friends with low weigh-ins

Bringing their numbers down,

And trying to chase those pounds away.

And we’ll all be okay.

I'm not big like when I was buffeting.

Think I'll go do some basketball playing.

Oh, I've got friends with low weigh-ins.

Well, there’s that old loser John
And The Cranky One
Chubby McGee and Path to Petite
They’re doing real well,

They’re rockin’ that scale.
They’re thinking about just what they eat
Hey, I didn't mean
To leave out Lisa Eirene.
Just look at my sidebar and then

Well, I’ll show you a list

Of bloggers who shouldn’t be missed

When they’re weighin’ in....

'Cause I've got friends with low weigh-ins.

Bringing their numbers down,

And trying to chase those pounds away.

And we’ll all be okay.

I'm not big like when I was buffeting.

So much more energy I'm displaying.
Oh, I've got friends with low weigh-ins.

Check out my friend Thea

Over at Me Vs Me-a.

As well as my pal PriorFatGirl Dawn.

Alyssa’s Double Chin Diary
Not to mention Miss Merry
Between 'em all there’s a lot of pounds gone.

I don’t mean to cause a big scene,

But we losin’ a great deal of mass.

So how about you?

Can you lose it, too?
Why you bet your sweet ass!

'Cause you’ve got friends with low weigh-ins.

Bringing their numbers down,

And trying to chase those pounds away.

And we’ll all be okay.

We not big like when we were buffeting.

We on a great journey, that’s what I’m sayin’.

Oh, we’ve got friends with low weigh-ins.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Confush*t Say...

Confush*t Say...

...person who eat too much Middle Eastern food will falafel the next day.

...person who thinks orange juice is low calorie falling for pulp fiction.

...drinking too much beer is not a brew-print for weight-loss success.

...person on cottage cheese diet likes to eat their curds and weigh.

...person who doesn’t want to gain over the holidays should consider quitting cold turkey.

...person who cooks with butter substitutes find little margerine for error.

...person who eat too much whole wheat toast find weigh-ins going awry.

...person who overdoes it with tapioca soon pudding on pounds.

...person who shops for nuts find that they can cost an almond a leg.

...person who eats too many Italian pastries cannoli expect a bad weigh-in.

Remember, a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I Don’t Care What You Do

Let’s be clear:  I don’t care what you do.

Not one whit, not one lick, not one speck.






Oh, don’t take that the wrong way. I don’t mean that like I don’t care what you do.

I do care.

I do.

What I mean is that I don’t want anything from you. I’m not trying to tell you what to do or what not to do.

I’m not trying to sell you anything, not trying to make you look at a bunch of ads, not trying to get you to do so much as click on one solitary linkity-link.

Oh, I suppose I wouldn’t mind if you’d leave a comment, but that has more to do with feeding my self-esteem than wanting something tangible from you.

But that’s not to say that I don’t want something tangible from you.

I do.

I’d like a clear-cut commitment to doing the things… all of the things… that you know you need to do to get this healthy living race car zooming down the track.

I’m having really good success these days with food tracking (thank you, my fitness pal),  exercising most every day and not talking myself into believing that drinking a bottle of red wine at night is okay because it's  “good for my heart.”

I love being in the groove – the thrill of snapping the latch on a pair of pants that’ve been languishing in the back of the closet, the euphoric smile that crosses my face during the final two minutes of every workout, the satisfaction of starting the day with good intentions and ending it with take-pride results.

But I really love it when I know others are in the same boat, rowing for all they’re worth.

Let’s get going.

Let’s get moving.

Let’s get fit.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Me Am Not So Smart

I am not the coldest Fresca in the fridge.

Oh, I'm not utterly brainless, but it seems that everything I learn about diet and nutrition, about exercise and healthy living, about how all the parts and pieces work together... well, it all makes me realize that I know diddly-squat.

I seriously don't know the proper form for.. well... anything. When I first started at the gym, people would come up to me with helpful advice, such as "That's a rowing machine, dude, not a treadmill."

I'm still not one hundred percent sure exactly what "gluten" is, whether or not I should try to eat more of it or less or if I should even care about it.

I've started taking fish oil capsules but I bought them from a snake oil salesman, so I'm not sure of how much good they'll do me.

But here is what I do know...

Eating less is better for me than eating more..

Eating healthier foods makes me feel better than eating crappy foods.

Being active most every day reaps dividends.

Maybe I'm smarter than I look...

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I Don't Like To Toot My Own Horn







Last week: 241.2 lbs.
Loss: -2.8

Friday, November 9, 2012

All Off Me

Some of me.

Why not lose some of me?

Can’t you see

That I'm so good when I’m fit.

Take my goals.

I want to meet them.

Take these chips

So I won’t eat them.

My good dietin’

Left me with days so tryin’

But I know that I

Am so good when I’m fit.

I lost the mass

That once was my ass.

I’m glad to lose some of me.

Some of you.
Why not lose some of you?
Can’t you see
You’re so good when you’re fit?
Take processed foods,
Try not to eat them.
Trust me now,
You just don’t need them.

Your good diet
If you really try it.
I know that you can
Go on here with less you
Your healthy quest
Will bring out your best.
Baby, take it all from me.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Tiptoe Through the Health Tips

• Baby aspirin, which has proven to be effective as a heart attack deterrent, is very expensive. However, you can make your own by mixing two parts regular aspirin and one part baby.

• When you’re considering snacks, be choosey instead of cheesey.

• Some fitness centers will let you work out for free if you are good enough at hypnotizing people.

• You can use your smartphone to help in your weight loss efforts. Just this morning, I burned over 300 calories running around the house screaming “Has anybody seen my phone?”

• You can turn your bed into a workout trampoline by… well, I guess all you have to do is jump on it. Did you really need me to tell you that? Come on!

• Ask yourself, “Do I really need to add a packet of sugar to this glass of sno-cone syrup?”

• Try to resist the temptation to eat only “whole” foods (for instance, a whole bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken).

• Resist the urge to eat an entire bag of potato chips during long elevator trips.

• One way to drink more water is to tinker around with the recipe. For instance, instead of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen, why not trying it with three (or four) parts hydrogen, one part water?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

On the GMO: Interview with Leah “Bookieboo” Segedie


Leah: Hello.

Jack: Is your refrigerator running?

Leah: What? Who is this?

Jack: Is your refrigerator running away from GMOs?

Leah: *sigh* … hello, Jack.

Jack: What’s shakin’, my sistah from anotha mistah? 

Leah: Are you calling me to tell me you finished that blog post about GMOs you promised me you’d write?

Jack: Ummmm… well, I had a better idea.

Leah: You want me to write it?

Jack: No! Just how lazy do you think I am?

Leah: Well, I think that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you’d go to bed with it only half done.

Jack: Well, I was just thinking that I could interview you and we could get the information across in that way.

Leah: Okay, Jack. We’ll try it your way...

Jack: Great! Let’s start with a little housekeeping; tell me your name, a little about your online community and then dust and vacuum my house for me.


 Kiss my grits, Jack. My name is Leah Segedie. They know me as @Bookieboo on Twitter and I’m a mom on a mission to label GMOs. I’m the community leader of #mamavation, which is an obesity prevention sorority for moms. We kick health’s ass and shit. We’ve been around for over three years and have had over 180,000,000 mentions on Twitter.

Jack: Whoa…

Leah: Yeah, we’re kinda a big deal. But NOTHING compared to you.

Jack: I was just thinkin’ the same thing…

Leah: In the last three months, I’ve been working with CA Right to Know, which is a California initiative on the ballot to label genetically modified organisms. I’ve organized their nationwide blogger team and have worked on several online events for them.

Jack: If you were interviewing someone about GMOs, ummmmm... what’s the first question you’d ask?

Leah: I’m happy to do your work for you...lazy, ahem. I would–of course–ask about what the point of labeling is? Why should you care?

Jack: Well then, what’s the point of labeling? Why should I care?

Leah: As it stands now, you go to the grocery store and about 80% or more of it is genetically modified. And most people have no idea. Why is that? It’s ‘cause nothing is labeled. So you have NO idea if what you’re eating has been altered in a laboratory or not. People have the right to know what they’re eating.

Jack: I don’t want to sound insentive, but isn’t this all just a bunch of hippies bitching about the environment and want us all to eat organic tofu-granola?

Leah:  Listen, Jack: over 50 countries either label OR outright banned genetically modified food because it has NOT been proven safe. In fact, China and Russia labels them, and I just want as much freedom as those countries. Don’t you?

Jack: Hell yeah I do. So you’re saying it’s a safety issue?

Leah: The safety of genetically modified food has NOT been determined yet. There has been ZERO independent testing in the US of this. In fact, when it was introduced quietly by the FDA into this country, there was no independent testing done even through the FDA’s own scientists recommended it. They just took Monsanto’s word for it. Monsanto has been wrong before, you know. They were also behind DDT and Agent Orange. Weren’t those also “proven” safe by the companies that created them? It’s all very odd.

Jack: To be fair, they no longer put Agent Orange in breakfast cereal…

Leah: GMOs are being linked to all sorts of nasty diseases via independent testing in Europe. In fact, Europeans are so afraid of GMOs that it’s only in about 5% of their food supply, as opposed to ours at over 80%.

Jack: That’s less than half…

Leah: And the following diseases have been identified with rat/salmon studies in Europe:  cancer, obesity, infertility, “leaking of the gut”, irritable bowel, ADHD, Aspergers, organ failure and allergies. 

Jack: And I guess that leads me to my most important question: are you going to ban my Cheesy Poofs?

Leah: No, this is only a law to label, not to ban. Eat whatever you want. Just give me a choice to avoid it if I want to.

Jack: You know, this GMO stuff is starting to tick me off!

Leah: Yeah? Maybe you should write a blog post about it…

Jack: Yeah, well… ummmmm… I gotta go cut the grass.

Leah: You and a lawn mower are a lot alike, Jack.

Jack: Really?

Leah: You’re both loud, hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

Jack: So I guess you coming over to do that housekeeping is out of the question?

Leah:  *click*

Monday, November 5, 2012

Tale As Old As Time...

Pants as large as France. 

Big as they can be.

Barely even fits,

Then the rear end splits

Time to make a change.

Small at the very least.

Now that I am focused,

I think I may have noticed,

Booty has decreased.

Never giving up.

Never giving in.

Never eating crap.

Never the last lap;
This race is ours to win. 

Pants not big as France.
Fit me like a glove
Oh-so sweet and fine,
Off-brand Calvin Klein.
Looking great (sort of).

Heading down to goal,
Crappy eating ceased.

Keeping really busy.
Work out ‘til I’m dizzy. 

Booty has decreased.

Keeping really busy.
(Please don’t sue me, Disney) 

Booty has decreased.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

A Hunka Hunka Burnin' Calories

 A hunka hunka burnin' calories... that's what I wish I could claim over the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately, I had to help host a group of out-of-towners to my fair city, and that included plenty of food, drink and... yes... a trip to Graceland.

 Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley, attracts 700,000 visitors a year, and it seems like each of them want me to take them there. What's up with that?

 But Elvis and I do have at least one thing in common: we each have a photo of ourselves in an elaborate frame hanging in our crib.

 And I do have to admit that he has a more decked-out man cave than I do.

 I'm still having bad dreams about this room! 

 But the main take-away I got from my trip to visit the King is that even the fanciest clothes don't make you look good if you're grossly overweight. 

It ain't nothin' but a pound, dawg.

Last week: 241.8 lbs.
Loss: -.6
(No congrats on a loss, please... I had gotten down into the 230's before a week of off-track festivities;
but heading back in right direction now)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Are You W.I.D.T.H. Me?

Noted philosopher and personal trainer Friedrich Nietzsche once said He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” I couldn't have said it better myself, Freddie.
Have you got a good "why", a good reason why you're striving to live your life in a more healthy manner. If you do, I'd love for you to scribble it down on a note, photograph yourself with it and email it to me at Be sure and include a blog link if you'd like it included.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Texas Has a Health-House In It!

Texas has a health-house in it!

Lard have mercy on our scales. 

Texas has a health-house in it!

Lard have mercy on our scales.

   I'll expose the facts about this health nut named Miss Miz.
Please click on this link to see how dumb... my guest post is.

See how dumb his guest post is!   


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