Monday, November 30, 2009

I’m Sorry, Kung Fu Fighting Dude

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

They are funky diet men and funky diet divas.
They are they showing big losses, they’re becomin’ true believahs.
It's a science not an art, and they're off to a great start
Giving fatty foods a pass... and losing lots of ass.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

There was Chunky Monkey Mama and Prior Fat Girl Jen.
There was TJ’s Test Kitchen and Escape from Obesity’s Lyn.
They are blogging what they do, they are bidding fat adieu.
They are watching what they swallow, they’re makin’ me wanna follow.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

Make sure you have expert timing...
Gung-ho dieting,
Losing it fast as lightning...


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Faster Than a Speeding Bullsh*tter

Weekly weigh-in: 206.3
Loss: -1.7
Total loss: 85.2 lbs.
Emotion: Light-Hearted

It went down like this: I’m playing basketball with some of the guys I regularly hoop with when this very large African-American gentleman strides out onto the court. Since I’m the tallest guy out there besides him (I’m 6’4”… he’s about 6’7”) we’re matched up against one another. It takes me about ten seconds of gameplay to realize that this dude is pretty good. Part of the reason is that he starts trash-talking. After spinning and shooting a little hook shot over me, he starts yammering “This little guy can’t hold me!”

Little guy? Little guy? Are you kiddin’ me?

Testosterone a’ragin’, I knuckle down and try to “D” up on LeBron. After a few times up and down the court, I notice that the big man is huffing and puffing like nobody’s business, doubled up and grabbing hold of his shorts. Even though I’ve already been playing for over an hour, I’m still feeling fresh as a daisy. So a mischievous smile crosses my lips, and I begin the white-boy version of trash-talkin’: “Giddyup, Shaq. We’re gonna get out and run a little bit now.”

So on the next few possessions, I sprinted all-out and left Big Daddy eating my dust. I’m serious… I got worried that he was going to have a heart attack on me. As I was running this large man absolutely ragged and scoring at will, I felt a surge of pride at another payoff from months of hard work, hours and hours of intense workouts and extra effort. There’s not a lot of feelings better than being more fit than somebody fifteen years younger than you.

And big man, if you're reading: "DON'T BRING THAT WEAK SH*T UP IN MY HOUSE!"

Speaking of large African-American men, 266 bestowed this award on me (266 doesn’t include a name or pic on the blog, so I just assume it’s a large African-American man).

There’re a bunch of blah-blah-blah rules, the crux of which is that I have to pass it along to five more blogs. I kind of hate to play favorites, so I’m going to give it to five blogs that I just made up on the spot…

Me-Me at No Mo’ Mu-Mu for Me-Me
John at Johnny B. Hungry
Ms. Bevahin’ at A Little Less Ms. Behavin’
Tequila Mockingbird at Starving for Attention
The Mad Fatter at Malice in Onederland

Anyway, I’m proud of pulling a respectable loss during Thanksgiving week. I overdid it a little bit on the chocolate pecan pie, but I also overdid it on the exercise all week long. Nice start to the holidays, if you ask me…

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Sh*t-blimenal Message

Welcome back to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where seconds are always encouraged. This post was one of those light-bulb ideas that took quite a bit of time and elbow grease to actually work out the mechanics. I also like that it illustrates a pretty basic premise: that different people are motivated by different approaches. What pushes my buttons might not necessarily punch yours. At the end of the day, the approach doesn't matter overmuch; it's all about the results.

I wanted to write a real positive message today to inspire my fellow weight loss journey-takers, but I’ve been getting the sense that several of them are in need of some tough love, a brutal butt-kicking to help get them back on track. Since I’m entirely too lazy to write two posts, I’ve gone ahead and put both of them into the same post. If you need the hard stuff, just read the colored text. Otherwise, enjoy a healthy dose of positivity.

You are doing so well. You’ve managed to really stick with it, to suck it up and do right. Really, you have a lot to be proud of, and I hope you are proud. You’re still going to have to put in an awful lot of effort at keeping this awesome momentum going. Are there going to be more tough days ahead for you? Sure there are (though even the tough days are going to get easier over time), but you’ve got what it takes to keep going strong, keep trying to be the best possible “you” you can be. You know that to be true, but sometimes you need to hear it again to make sure you don’t lose focus. This weight loss journey you and I are on is difficult, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that if you keep your drive, you keep your determination, and really keep your eyes on what’s important, on what you really want out of this life or this lifetime, there’s no possible way for you not to succeed. You may just be starting this journey or you may have been on it for decades, but all that matters is that your future is right here, and it’s right out in front of you. This is your time. This is your opportunity to shine, to finally get to be the person that you know is inside you. What you’re doing is going to make a difference; it really is.

Get busy doing what it takes, whatever it takes, to reclaim your life. Don’t give it to anything that starts eating away at your drive to get this done. The past is water under the bridge, and all your can control is your future. Start believing you’re moving towards your brand new life–a life that isn’t defined by being fat– and, the next thing you know, that’s exactly where you are. Sound simple? You bet your sweet ass it is. That’s because you already know what to do. You’ve got brains and you’ve got the willpower. Let’s agree on one thing: you’ve got everything you need to get what you want and make this happen. You’ve got too much going for you to fail. It’d be selling yourself short not to give it everything you’ve got, and we both know you’re not stupid. Nobody is going to lump you in with the folks that aren’t going to give their all to get this done. You’re special!

If we’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that you can’t succeed if you don’t put in your best effort. We all want the same thing: to take our life and make it all that it can be. That’s why we give it all we’ve got, make the sacrifices we make and own up to our true potential. When our head’s in it, the game’s already half won. You’re in this to win it; no more wasting chances when you’re worth so much more. This is your time. It really is, my friend. It’s your time to be fulfill everyone’s best wishes for you. It’s time to make it happen.

It is wonderful that you’ve made such fantastic progress, but your life’s just getting started, chum. Shut out all those voices that feed you negative energy and load up on all the positive support and good vibes that’re waiting for you out in the world. Get motivation wherever you can get it and get going in the direction of what you dream (and know) your life can be. Let nothing hold you back and never fool yourself into thinking that you don’t have it in you to do this.

Start small, celebrate your progress and remember that this is more doing some fad diet; it’s a new lease on life and it starts right now. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. It starts right here and now, and week after week, you’re going to make each day count. Today is your day. Right your ship and sail off into the future with the promise of a better tomorrow and the assurance that now is your time, and that your destination is a better tomorrow. Get it together and get going!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Product Review: Nutra-Trim Gum

After I ticked off the POM Wonderful people (personally, I think they took the phrase “purple urine” completely out of context), I figured I was out of the product-review business for the foreseeable future. It was disappointing because… hey, who doesn’t want free stuff sent to their house?

So I read the reviews other bloggers did and I died a little bit inside each time. Why, oh, why did I boot my chance to score free swag and get softball topics for blog posts at the same time? All it would have taken for me to get on the freebie gravy train was an “Oh, this product is wonderful!” and “Oh, that product is the greatest thing since sliced beer.”

Then, I got an email for somebody wanting to send me something for nothing and then let me write anything I want about it. Bwahahahaha! Suckers! Fools! Nitwits! The fine folks at Nutra-Trim shipped a huge packet of appetite suppressant gum for me to review.

I sharpened up my carving knives and sat down to type…

Then I sat back and thought about it. First, was it fair for me to savage a product merely for entertainment purposes? Was it right to blast it with both barrels just to get a laugh? Was it fair to write a review without even trying the product?

Okay, hmmmm, we have some appetite suppressin’ gum from Nutri-Trim here, which I surmise from the name is “nutritional” (or perhaps “nutrim-tional”). It’s purpose is to help you lower cravings for food. Infused with Green Tea Extract, L- Carnitine and Chromium Picolinate (natural and naturally-occurring elements that increase and regulate metabolism), I found Nutra -Trim to be incredibly green-teaful, very l-carnitinish and just a wee bit chromium picolinatey.

I bit into a couple of pieces and strapped myself in for the rush, waiting for my metabolism to reach max G-force velocity. Then I noticed the oddest sensation: I wasn’t the least bit hungry. Then I came to a sudden realization: I wasn’t hungry because I was in the middle of lunch. I made a note to postpone my gum-testing until later in the afternoon.

As I resumed the test, I took note that Nutri-Trim comes in three flavors: Berry, Spearmint and Trout (may have imagined that last one). These little babies come in at 2.5 calories per piece and are SUGAR FREE! They're also CAFFEINE-FREE (except for the caffeine that’s naturally in green tea) and contain no EPHEDRA (which is good because side effects of EPHEDRA include nausea, headache, dizziness, stomach irritation, diarrhea, anxiety, psychosis, kidney stones, tremors, dry mouth, irregular or rapid heart rhythms, heart damage, high blood pressure, restlessness; nervousness, sleeping problems, flushing, sweating, increased urination and decreased appetite. I know, you’re like me: you read that mile-long list of side effects and came away thinking “Decreased appetite, huh?”).

So let’s examine what makes Nutri-Trim so super-fantastic. Hmmmmm, Chromium. I read somewhere that chromium picolinate complex causes chromosome damage in hamster cells, but I don’t have any hamster cells (that I know of), so no harm there.

There’s also L-Carnitine, and I read somewhere else that L-Carnitine and supplements listing L-Carnitine are banned from sale in Canada, but I’m not Canadian, so that’s okay for me, too. It’s a “quaternary ammonium compound synthesized from the amino acids lysine and methionine and is responsible for the transport of fatty acids from the cytosol into the mitochondria.” I’m going to go ahead and assume that that’s something really good for you, just like I always assume all that fine print gibberish on my credit card statement is good news.

Here’s the thing: I’m a big believer in gum… any ol’ gum… as an appetite suppressant. Truthfully, I eat smaller meals throughout the day, so I rarely get too awfully hungry. On those occasions that I do… when I’m driving home from work, when I’m stuck in an extra-long meeting, when I’m at the movies… I’ll chew a couple of pieces of sugar-free gum. I keep a variety of flavors at my desk and in my car, and chewing a few pieces always seems to take the edge off my hunger.

There’s nothing terribly wrong or even particularly ineffective about this Nutra-Trim gum, but I don’t need it and I can't imagine that you really need it either. I’m sorry to say that because I really like free stuff in my mailbox, but I think you can get the same effect by putting your game face on and digging into a buck-fifty pack of Dentyne.

Thanks for the gum, Nutri-Trim lady.

Good luck finding another job.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

My Secret Plan for the Holiday...

Actually, I was just gonna leave today's post at that, but the marvelous MizFit inspired me to work up a list of memorized phrases to help people get through Thanksgiving dinner without overdoing it:
  • “Sorry, my tapeworm won’t allow me to eat pumpkin pie.”
  • “My religion forbids cranberry sauce.”
  • “No thanks. I happen to know that Cousin Jimmy licked all the rolls before dinner.”
  • “My doctor informed me that even one slice of pecan pie will make my spleen explode.”
  • “No thanks. I see dead people in gravy.”
  • “That stuffing looks delicious but it brings back hurtful memories of that fraternity hazing incident that’s too painful for me to talk about…”
  • “I’m allergic to second helpings.”
  • “I don’t think so. Dad always buys his turkeys from some dude who sells them out of the trunk of his Grand Am along with bootleg DVDs…”
  • “I yam not gonna have any of those marshmallowy sweet potatoes, thank you very much.”
  • “I would have more, but you’re a terrible cook…”
  • “Do you have any diet wine?”
  • “No thanks… I had giblets for breakfast this morning.”
  • “No green bean casserole for me this year; I’m showing my support for the plight of Chillean green bean farmers.”
  • “No thanks. I saw Grandma spit into the mashed potatoes while she was making them.”

Happy holidays from the entire Sh*t family.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Real First Thanksgiving

A long, long time ago the Pilgrims caused quite a commotion,

By telling England to kiss their ass and sailing across the ocean.

Their ship was called the “Mayflower.” They called it that because

It was a better name that “Miserable Dank Smelly Deathtrap” was.

The group had been out a’sailin’ for around ten months or so,

But decided to make for land when their snacks were runnin’ low.

They made land in a spot they voted to call Plymouth Rock

(because an old Plymouth was parked there, one tire on a block).

They had been persecuted heavily in the land that they had departed,

But here in this brave new world, a new life they all started.

The Pilgrims were intent on making a home out of this little patch they carved out.

But after a few weeks their supplies were gone, and they were nearly starved out.

Yes, the Pilgrims were eating nothing more than dirt and sand and fescue.

But then some friendly Indians (ahem, Native Americans) came running to their rescue.

A pact between these native folks and the hungry Pilgrims was born.

That Spring they even helped in clearing land and planting corn.

They taught them how to cook real well; they shared their recipes

(unfortunately most of the dishes were fried and smothered in melted cheese).

By Autumn, all the Pilgrims’waistlines had seen a big increase.

They found that almost all of them had grown to be obese.

Soon the Pilgrims were so fat that their Pilgrim clothes no longer fit.

Luckily, they met an Indian that wanted to help: his name was Samosh*t.

“I once big and fat like you,” Samosh*t told the Pilgrim crew.

“But me lost 80 pounds,” he said. “And you can do it, too.”

He showed them ways to exercise, he helped them plan good meals.

He tried to share with them the way that healthy living feels.

And when he left to go back home to check on Dip, his dog.

He made them all promise to follow his weight-loss smoke signal blog.

The Pilgrims got their act together and started eating less.

They kept at it for months and saw considerable success.

They invited Samosh*t back so they could have a celebration,

To pay him back for helping them on their road to salvation.

They all got dressed up in their formal black suits and skirts

They had plenty of healthy dishes, as well as tasty low-fat desserts.

They all ate well, but by “ate well,” I mean they didn’t stuff their faces.

And after the meal, they jumped and played and ran some relay races.

Since they were giving thanks, they decided to call this day “Thanksgiving.”

Because as names go, it made for a better one than “Healthyliving.”

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Signs It’s Going to Be a Bad Weigh-In

  • You keep hearing a song called "Baby, You Sure Are Fat" on the radio
  • Realize you’re wearing your heaviest underwear
  • Hear demonic laughter right before stepping on scale
  • For breakfast, you had a large coffee and a large coffee cake
  • Realize you haven’t gone to the bathroom in six days
  • You’re thinking “heavy” thoughts
  • Psychic hotline lady warned you to stay away from all scales this week
  • Gravity index on “Red” this morning
  • Screw-up when you went to donate blood; new nurse accidentally pumped an extra quart into you
  • Got a new job as a baloney tester at Oscar Meyer factory
  • Vague recollection of a midnight Pop-Tart incident
  • Thought you were putting skim milk on your bran flakes; turns out it was eggnog
  • Magic 8-Ball said “Gain definitely in your future”
  • Purchased new scale and it’s not broken in yet
  • Knew you shouldn’t have ordered “Salty Salmon with Salt Sauce” at restaurant
  • Weight Watcher leader gasps audibly when she sees you
  • You ate poorly all week and forgot to exercise

Monday, November 23, 2009


It started like this: I was at the gym, mounting a stationary bike (Geez, get your mind out of the gutter, please), when I noticed an older woman finishing up a sweaty workout on the elliptical beside me.

I’d seen her before, actually more than a few times, but we’d never spoken to one another. I’m still not completely sure about the etiquette of talking to folks who are plugged into their headphones. I mean, I’ve generally got the volume turned up to “brain damage” when I’ve got my headphones on, so I’m hesitant to strike up a conversation with others when they have them on.

However, the timing was just right today. She was just finishing up at the same time I was getting started, and we caught each other’s eye.

“No fair,” I smiled. “I wanna be done with my workout, too.”

I was just being friendly, but what transpired over the next few minutes simply took my breath away and forced me rethink this whole weight-loss journey, made me see it in a shiny bright new light.

Sounds pretty dramatic, huh?

Let me explain.

She told me how she had just done four miles on the elliptical.

Four miles. Pretty impressive, huh?

Well, truthfully, that didn’t impress me much either. I’ve almost done four miles plenty of times, after all.

Then she told me she runs four miles on the elliptical six days every week.

Six days. Every week.

Waitaminute. I just remembered the “impressive” part: she’s 72 years old (and truthfully, looked to be no older than late 50’s).

Impressive, huh? Oh wait, did I tell you that she’s had four rounds of chemotherapy and over 40 radiation treatments in the last ten years? The nurses at the clinic she goes to told her that she was the fittest person they’d ever had come through there… at any age.

“I don’t want to be one of those weak little sisters that walks around with her gown on backwards,” she told me. I still don’t know exactly what that means, but we talked for another few minutes before she made her way out of the gym and left me to my pedaling.

Some days my workouts seem incredibly long and tiresome, but not so much today. I was thinking about the strength and determination that it takes to be the healthiest individual at the cancer clinic. I was ruminating on what it’s going to feel like to be fit and healthy in my 70’s, sporting energy and muscles a man half my age would covet. I was thinking about how maybe my fear of being old isn't justified after all... not in the least little bit.

Time flies when you’re feeling inspired.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I'm Mad And I'm Not Gonna Eat It Anymore!

Weekly weigh-in: 208.0
Loss: -0.3
Total loss: 83.5 lbs.
Emotion: Steamed

Well, I’M MAD.

I worked out like A MADMAN this week. Like a FURIOUS VISIGOTH under Alaric I who SACKED Rome in the year 410. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? Well, I’ll tell you what… I DON’T KNOW! Why am I hollering so much? BECAUSE I’M SO DAMN MAD!

Anyway, I worked out like a CRAZY PERSON, even doubling up a couple of days. I ate on plan like a CRAZY PERSON who eats REALLY WELL. I was trying to put a good week together in anticipation of a disruptive holiday week. I wanted a solid loss so that if I gave a little back the next week, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it.

So I was chugging along, being a poster child for AWESOME, blasting out intense workouts and even cutting back some of my calories. Maybe I’ve got ONE MORE SURPRISING WEIGH-IN left in me, I thought as I peeked at the scale mid-week.

Then came Friday night and going to a college basketball after a lovely dinner at Hooter’s. I mean, HOOTERS! I checked out the menu online beforehand and saw that a lot of the items weren’t too bad diet-wise, as long as you put in a “SPECIAL REQUEST” for the cooks to prepare the dish COMPLETELY UNLIKE HE NORMALLY DOES. I’m sorry, but I’ve eaten at Hooter’s quite a few times and I’m pretty sure that if you’re a man and you actually tried to ORDER A BUN PREPARED WITH NO BUTTER or any other of the other silly “SPECIAL REQUESTS”, your big-topped waitress would SLAP THE SH*T out of you.

So I ordered a half pound of steamed shrimp, which the online guide lists at 300 calories as long as you don’t factor in the cocktail sauce or the tub of drawn butter (ONE MILLION CALORIES). I dumped HALF A SHAKER’S worth of black pepper on the suckers and they still tasted like tasteless lumps of SILLY PUTTY.

Luckily I had an ice cold Amstel Light to wash it down, and then another. Drinking Amstel Light always reminds me of a trip my family took to Crete a dozen years or so. Every day at lunch, I’d drink the biggest bottle you’ve ever laid your eyes on of Amstel, Amstel Light’s smarter and better-looking big brother. I’d have a big lunch, accompanied by a big bottle of Amstel, and later take a nap. I never felt so civilized (I’m so calm just thinking about it that I’ve ceased typing in capitalized letters).

Then I got back from the two-week vacation and realized that, somehow, someway, I HAD GAINED THIRTY POUNDS. That didn’t stop me from searching high and low for regular Amstel beer, but the distributor (yes, I took my quest all the way to the distribution company) said that nobody carried Amstel for some, strange reason. F*CK A DUCK!

So I had a few Amstel Lights and reminisced about fatter, carefree-er times. I guess what I’d really like to do is find some way to marry that nice easy feeling with my new healthier lifestyle. I want it to become easier and not be such a chore. I’ve made strides in that direction, but it’s still tough sledding during college basketball season.

We’ll see how it goes through the holidays, but if I were you, I’D EXPECT TO SEE MORE CAPITAL LETTERS NEXT WEEK!!!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Signs You're Addicted to Weight Loss Blogging

Welcome back to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, the place where retreads rule! This one strikes a chord for me because I really am addicted to this weight-loss blogging business. I spend way too much time fooling around with it, even though I do get an awful lot out of it as well. How about you? How many of these sound like you?
  • Spouse knows easiest way to get hold of you is to leave a comment.
  • No one can eat until you’ve got the whole meal on the table and you’ve taken pictures of all the dishes.
  • You pay your internet bill before your rent or mortgage.
  • You forgot your child’s birthday, but you remembered to update your weight loss ticker.
  • Your vacation plans center around hotels that have high-speed wi-fi.
  • You can do a “word verification” in point three seconds.
  • You know what at least six people you don't know had for breakfast.
  • You’d rather lose a filling than lose a follower.
  • Anytime you see a photograph, you ask “Is this the before or after pic?”
  • You ask your doctor if he can give you something for “blogger’s block”?
  • You take a spectacular dump and think “I’ve got the subject for my next post…”
  • You get slightly aroused fiddling around with your blog layout.
  • You’ve started LOLing instead of laughing.
  • On Saturdays, you feel a little dead inside.
  • You hit “refresh” to see if anyone has left you a comment while you were reading the last comment someone left you.
  • You've already blogged about this post.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Names for my New Workout DVD

  • “Shock & Oww”
  • “The Whoopty-Do Work-out”
  • “Sir Sweat-a-Lot’s Excalibercising Quest for Fitness”
  • “Wacky Jack’s Back-on-Track Smack Attack!”
  • “Twist & Shout (Obscenities) Workout”
  • “Aspire to Perspire!”
  • “Hip-Hop ‘til You Drip-Drop”
  • “Movin’, Groovin’ & Semi-Improvin’”
  • “"Painin’ and Complainin’”
  • “No Pity, No Quitty.”
  • “Squat Are You Waiting For?”
  • “The Littlest Loser Workout”
  • “Carousel of Lady Push-ups”
  • “Just Dippity Do It!”
  • “Lift & Bicep-erate”
  • “Whammo Rambo BLAMbo!”
  • “Ass Me About My Firm Bun Workout”
  • “Jack Sh*t’s Gut-Busting Butt-Gusting Bonanza Extravaganza”
  • “Sweat & Sore Sauce”
  • “The Abdominal G0-Man”
  • “Killin’ Like Jillian”
  • “The 10-Second Sofa Workout”

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Last Pants Standing

It started with twenty-four pair.

Black slacks. Tan khakis. Stylish trousers. Sturdy corduroys. Funky pants. Faded jeans.

Call it a riches of britches.

They came in a variety of styles and an assortment of sizes, but they all had one thing in common: they were too small for me to actually wear.

They were hidden all around my bedroom, some in a big plastic tub behind the headboard of my bed, some squirreled away on the top shelf of my closet.

I don’t know how it is for you, but there are two universal truths for me when it comes to pants: (1) as soon as pants get to big for me, I get rid of ‘em and (2) pants that I outgrow, I keep forever.

When I began my latest weight-loss journey this Spring, I also started a game that I affectionately called “Last Pants Standing.” Once a month or so (usually on a quiet Sunday afternoon) I’d pull out the entire pile and try them all on.

The pants that fit, I moved onto hangers in my closet. The rest got put back on the top shelf for another thirty days.

The largest pair of pants that I owned were a 42" waist, but most of them were 40’s. I’ve never been a fan of that 40 number, by the way. My first real weight-loss journey (remember, I’ve yo-yo’ed quite a few times) came when I was eighteen or so and my mother Shirley was buying me some work pants for a new job. I had just grabbed a pair of 38’s like I always did, by my mom insisted I try them on.

I still remember that sinking feeling of being in that dressing room and trying to stuff my gushing gut into those too-small slacks. I came out to get approval from the boss, who simply shook her head and handed me the dreaded 40’s.

It devastated me, and it didn’t help that my father Horace really laid in with the jokes. I remember we were having pizza that night for dinner, and I wouldn’t have any. I skipped dinner altogether that night, as I recall. That was the start of my first effective weight-loss journey, but unfortunately it wasn’t the end of the 40" trousers.

Which brings me back to those twenty-four pair, teasing me from the top shelf.

Each month, the pile comes down, and a slightly smaller pile goes back up.

Twenty-four down, eighteen back up.

Eighteen day, eleven back up.

Eleven down, five back up.

Now the 40’s are long gone and the 38’s have been retired as well. There are some 36’s still in my closet, but I’m mostly in 34's these days.

What started with 24 pair is now down to just two, a pair of 33" waist Eddie Bauer dress slacks (the EB ones always seem to run a little smaller, I noticed) and my a brand-new still-tagged pair of 32" Levi jeans.

I bought those jeans years and years ago, and they were my “goal” jeans. I never came close to being able to wear them; I’m not even sure why I bought ‘em, except, well… hope springs eternal, I guess.

This week, I tried on the dress slacks and they were still too small to close the clasp. I was about to just throw ‘em back up on the shelf and go about my business, but I had a “what the hell?” moment and grabbed the jeans (which I usually don’t even bother to try on ). I guess I just wanted to see how much work was left to do, now that I was coming to the end of the road.

I slipped the jeans on and pulled them up. I took a deep breath and pulled them to close. It wasn’t exactly what you’d call a perfect fit, but I buttoned them up and stood there dumbfoundedly gazing at myself in the mirror.

I couldn’t, in good conscience, move those 32’s off the top shelf, but I will one day very soon.

Game on.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ways Losing Weight Is Like Buying A New Car

  • You’re concerned about trunk space
  • It helps if you know what you want
  • All the numbers that get thrown around can get you pretty confused
  • The professional that’s there to help you work things out often speaks a lot of gibberish
  • Your mileage may vary
  • The more you put in, the easy it is to get a deal done
  • It’s a good idea to research the options
  • It’s shouldn’t have to worry about maintenance for a while
  • To get what you want, you gotta pay the price
  • You’ll get the best results if you can keep from getting overly emotional
  • Insert your own “air bags” joke here
  • The right fuel will get your motor running more smoothly
  • The longer the process goes, the more you’ll probably get off in the end
  • The keys are in your own hands
  • Folks all around you take notice once you’ve done the deal
  • You know you’ll be safer in a new and improved body
  • Nothing quite like that feeling of pride and ownership
  • At the end of the day, you’re the one in the driver’s seat

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I’m Sorry, Jimmy Buffet

Nibblin’ on fried pies.
Watchin’ old CSI’s.
Eating some nachos covered with oil.
Bad diet, yeah sure.
Just checked my blood pressure.
Looks like my arteries are beginnin’ to boil.

Wastin’ my time again in Diet Cheataville.
Going extra heavy on that shaker of salt.
Some people claim that I should take some blame,
But I know… there’s no way it’s my fault.

I don’t know the reason,
My pants are all squeezin’.
Nothin’ to show but this big fat spare tire.
Never been too svelte,
Now I need me a new belt
And that scale, it’s just going higher.

Wastin’ my time again in Diet Cheataville.
Searchin’ for another frosty ice cream malt.
I might proclaim that my bad genes are to blame,
But I think...
Hell, it could be my fault.

So I came to a hard stop.
Started making my weight drop.
Quit going out, starting eating at home.
Lifting weights and some joggin’,
Not to mention my bloggin’.
Yeah, that’s the secret that helps me hang on.

I quit wastin’ my time away in Diet Cheataville.
Brought my destructive lifestyle to a halt.
Some people claim that they just can’t do the same.
If they don’t… it’s their own damn fault.
Yes, some people claim that they just can’t do the same.
If they don’t… it’s their own damn fault.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Now’s the Time for Resolution

Fast forward six weeks.

It’s January 1, 2010, and there will be a legion of downhearted heavyweights suffering from a serious holiday hangover.

They will be clogging up gyms around the globe, trying to dope out how the lat pull machine works, dancing haphazardly on the elliptical and tying up all the personal trainers.

They will be there with their resolutions and their renewed determination. They’ll be there with their freshly purchased workout clothes and their shiny new focus. Make no mistake about it: they will be out in full force.

Like a lot of folks, I had a tendency to pick up a few pounds during the holidays in the bad ol’ days. In the last couple of years, I seemed to gain that holiday 15 lbs. by the second week of October.

So… this year, I’ve got my mind’s eye on that holiday horde. While they’re mindlessly gobbling their way through Thanksgiving, through office parties, through big family dinners, I’ll be staying on my eating plan and sticking to my workout program.

I’m going to get a six-week headstart on these bozos, and while they’re uncomfortably huffing and puffing on their treadmills come January Uno, I’m going to be showing them how the regulars do things around these parts.

The holidays are a time for celebration, to be sure, but every celebration doesn’t have to revolve around food. Every good time doesn’t have to happen with your mouth crammed full.

I know you’ve had “Start a New Diet” as a New Year’s Resolution before. Maybe you’ve had it multiple times. Who knows? Maybe like me you’ve had it each and every year for as long as you can remember.

I’m not doing it this year.

Don’t you do it this year either.

This year, let’s make a brand new resolution…

Let’s resolve to keep on keeping on.

And let’s start right now.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Hitting My Stride

Weekly weigh-in: 208.3
Loss: -2.5
Total loss: 83.2 lbs.
Emotion: Runner's High

Just when I declare that my best losing days are behind me, I string a few nice losses together. What’s going on with my body? Helluva I know.

I will tell you that I’m in a nice groove with this eating business, in a groove with this exercise business. One night this week, I took my dog Dip (who had a very worried expression on her face for some strange reason) on a walk and felt so jazzed that I wound up running half the distance.

I’m not a runner like some of you. I joke about someday participating in a 0K run (because of the poor performance of my retirement funds this year, I can no longer stomach joshing about 401K's anymore), but jogging has simply never been my thang. Still… as me and Dip were out on that walk, I just got the urge to hotfoot it a little. Dip was just as surprised as I was, just as surprised as you are.

I’ve recently dropped into the upper range of my weight loss goals, and the reward has been an energy level that is simply unprecedented for me. In my experience, there’s a tipping point somewhere along the line where your body starts working more efficiently, more effectively and, well, you feel like running instead of just plodding along. And I mean that both figuratively and literally.

We’re changing, you and I. I’ve never been a runner, yet there I was out there pounding the pavement like nobody's business. As we work each day to make sure there’s less to us, it's time to open ourselves up to the possibility that there’s also a lot more to us as well.

One last note, I was remiss a couple of days ago not to mention that Sue at Did I Just Eat That Out Loud turned a goofy little ditty I emailed her into a guest post. I’m shooing you over to her site now, not because I think what I wrote was so spectacular (though, fair warning: that tune will stick in your skull), but because I think you’ll like both what Sue has to say and how she manages to say it. I know she has a way of generally putting a smile on my face.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Ways Losing Weight Is Like Sex

When I was rummaging through the archives for this week's "Same Old Sh*t" entry, I ran across this silly little puff-piece. I've done a few posts in this vein, and I really like them because writing them is an exercise that really makes me thing about this weight-loss journey in a completely different way.
  • There’s no single right way to do it.
  • It’s more fun when somebody’s doing it with you.
  • The whole process is filled with a lot of moaning and groaning.
  • It’s a lot more fun when you experiment.
  • It’s hard to do at a restaurant.
  • Sometimes, you’re just on your own.
  • Size matters.
  • If you don’t move and work up a sweat, you won’t see good results.
  • Even if you’re only partially successful… hey, it’s still good.
  • Sometimes a mirror helps.
  • Getting in new pants is a big incentive.
  • It can make you a little crazy.
  • Eating a submarine sandwich in bed can spoil it.
  • Some days you just know it’s not going to happen.
  • There’s a ton of resources on the internet on the subject.
  • If you do it well, the final result is spectacular.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Famous Movie Lines (Jack Sh*t-Style)

  • “I know what you’re thinking- 'Did he eat six donuts or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kind of lost track myself. But, you’ve just gotta ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel hungry?' Well, do ya, punk?
  • “Frankly, my dear, I won’t eat a ham.”
  • “I'm gonna make him a sandwich he can't refuse.”
  • “All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my clam dip.”
  • “What we've got here is failure to lose the weight.”
  • “I love the smell of napalm and hash browns in the morning.”
  • “Love means never having to say your ass is too wide.”
  • “The tuna? You can’t handle the tuna!”
  • “Bacons? We ain't got no bacons! We don't need no bacons! I don't have to show you any stinkin' bacons!”
  • “Houston, we have an eating problem.”
  • “You had me at ‘Jell-O'.”
  • “As God is my witness, I sure am hungry again.”
  • “Say hello to my little friend! She’s lost 35 lbs.”
  • “Pasta la vista, baby.”
  • “Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”
  • “I’ll be back… for seconds.”
  • “"They make take our lives, but they will never take our French fries!”
  • “Why don't you come up and feed me sometime?”
  • “Take your hands off my pie, you damn dirty ape.”
  • “Life is like a box of never know what you're gonna… get your hands off my chocolates!”
  • “Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me… with pudding.”
  • “Are you crazy? The fat will probably kill you!”
  • “May the Forks be with you.”
  • “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Only 350 calories.”
  • “Show me the mocha!”
  • “I feel the need—the need for feed!”
  • “Carpe diet.”

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Food & Happiness

It’s not true, you know.

The idea that a candy bar, a bag of chips or a big spread at a Mexican restaurant is going to make you happy. To be sure, there will be that magnificent moment when chocolate brushes by your lips or you take that first crisp crunch of a still-warm tortilla chip smothered in spicy salsa.

But it’s a fleeting sensation… there and gone in the blink of an eye. In the morning, all that will be left is a lot of fat and/or sodium slowly churning through your system and a lot of guilt caked on your brain.

Somewhere along the line, somewhere deeply rooted in our messed-up wiring, is the idea that food equals happiness. The belief that if a little food makes you feel this good, a lot of food will make you feel that much better. Everyone doesn’t think like this, but I know that I did, and I’m sure a great many of you do (or did), too.

That’s an equation that put too many of us in a place that we never wanted to be.

A place where it’s easier to keep giving in to temptation than to make any real and lasting change in our life.

Believe me, I’ve been right there with you, and I know exactly what it feels like to confidently proclaim “This ends today!” in the morning and to sheepishly admit “Yes, I would like fries with that” in the afternoon. It’s a truly demoralizing sensation that leaves you feeling as if you have no control over the situation. Helpless and hopeless.

I don’t know what it’s going to take to get you over that hump. For me, it was a weekend at home all by my lonesome where I could really reflect on the mistakes of my past and steel myself for the hard road ahead. Someone recently pointed out to me that that alone-time was probably the incubator I needed to make the necessary changes inside my head. Whatever it was, I wish I could bottle and market it because that mindset is a life-changing elixer.

And don’t get me wrong. I still enjoy good food, but I’m redefining “good”. Seeing it in a whole new light. Not just eating with my mouth anymore, but with my head. It’s difficult to change a lifetime of bad habits, but the only way to do it is to break them down and replace them with new better habits.

Our brains are remarkable creations, but they don’t always seem to have our body’s best interests at heart. That brain sends out a lot of crazy messages – “How about some cinnamon buns” “Melt some more cheese on it” or “Let’s just grab something at the drive-thru” – that makes it easy to believe it just wants to build a cushy moat around itself. How better to accomplish that feat than convince you that eating will bring you happiness?

But food won’t make you happy in the end.

Feeling good makes you happy.

Feeling good about yourself makes you happy.

Being healthy and fit and strong makes you happy.

And you, my friend, deserve to be happy.

I could give you a thousand and one weight-loss tips. I might even be able to help you figure out a pretty effective workout routine. But until you really embrace this whole adventure fully… until you do a little heavy lifting upstairs… I seriously doubt you’ll have the kind of success that you’re looking for or, frankly, deserve.

It’s time to really wrap your head around what it’s truly going to take to accomplish what you want to accomplish.

After all, that’s the first step in getting it done.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I’m Sorry, Van Morrison

Hey what did you do,
Ordering burger and fries?
Getting some fast food,
Enjoying some fried pies.
Laughing and a eating, hey, hey
Stuffing and a chompin’.
In a misty lunchtime fog with
Your gut hangin’ down on you,
My big-assed friend,
You my big-assed friend.

Whatever happened
to that promise to “eat slow”?
Putting down that fork sometimes.
Using some portion control.
Standing on the scale laughing,
Writing down your new weight.
Dipping and sliding,
Yeah, you’re doin’ great, yeah you
My big losin’ friend,
You my big losin’ friend.

Do you remember when we both were fat?
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da

It’s easier to find our way,
So many hurdles we have crossed.
I saw your pic the other day,
My, how much you’ve lost!
Let’s never gain it back there, Lord.
Sometime I'm overcome thinking 'bout
Just how far we’ve both come.
Think I’ll keep following you,
My bloggin’ friend.
You my bloggin’ friend.

Do you remember when we both were fat?
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Excuses for a Bad Weigh-in

  • “Forgot to turn scale back for Daylight Saving Time.”
  • “Saltcicle was one of my worst inventions ever.”
  • “Should have been suspicious when ‘no-fat’ brownie recipe included quart of Crisco.”
  • “Just wanted to see what would happen if you filled a caulk gun with frosting.”
  • “Not sure what happened. Am suffering from Hamnesia.”
  • “Forgot to say pre-weigh-in prayer.”
  • “Went to discount medical clinic. Diagnosed with rare marshmallow deficiency and force-fed dozen S’mores.”
  • “Admirer sent over a bouquet of cheese.”
  • “Thought there might be a spider in my running shoes and didn’t want to take any chances.”
  • “Bought new car and it came with glove compartment filled with free fudge.”
  • “Scale always weighs a little heavy in colder weather…”
  • “Another example of Government meddling making our country less free!”
  • “Licked all the batter from the bowl before realizing I hadn’t made the cake yet.”
  • “Didn’t want to make other weight-loss bloggers look bad.”
  • “Angry co-worker stole lock of hair and made cursed voodoo doll.”
  • “Accidentally had gravity turned way up in the house.”
  • “Unscrupulous butcher put his thumb on the scale.”
  • “Got new tattoo and forgot to specify ‘light’ ink.”

Note: Before any of you try to cheer me up for a bad weigh-in, please note that I had a really good weigh-in. I always have more fun talking about weight gains when I haven't had one. Believe me, if I had a gain, this would be the last post I'd be writing.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Welcome to Today.

This is your day.

You’ve got 86,400 seconds to work with and I’d like to encourage you to spend at least a few thousand of them working to make this weight-loss journey you’re on a success.

Yesterday may not have been your best day, but yesterday is dead and gone. Yesterday’s a fading memory, a train that’s long since left the station, a house that’s been boarded up and abandoned.

Today is what’s ahead of you, and it’s a day full of promise and possibility. You can make a positive and lasting change in your life and you can start today. All it takes is attention to the smallest of details. All it takes is being mindful about what you put in your mouth, being attentive to your body’s deep yearning to move. There never seems to be a good time to start, but I say that today’s as good a day as any. Today’s your day to start making your life better.

Tomorrow? We’ll talk about tomorrow tomorrow, but for now, let’s keep our whole and total focus on today. Today’s all we can control, all we can manage, all that we need to worry about for the day’s remaining 86,370 seconds (you’ve already squandered 30 of those precious seconds here… they do have a way of getting away from you, you see).

I started my own journey a little over six months ago, and my big idea was to get through one damn day without screwing up. One day without eating something crappy. One day without grabbing a candy bar out of the vending machine. Try to prove to myself that my car would run–for one day–without food in my mouth. We are so smart, and yet we continue to do such foolish, foolish things.

Some days, especially early in my trek, ended with me counting down those remaining few thousand seconds like a man in prison eyeballing the calendar. “Just get me through the day,” I’d desperately mutter to myself. “Just get me through one more day.”

I’m not going to tell you that changing my set-in-stone mindset wasn’t difficult, that it wasn’t painful. However, I am going to tell you that it got more bearable with time. It got more manageable. It’s still not easy, but it’s a long way from too difficult to manage.

I still end the day with a little quiet reflection of what I accomplished over the past 86,000 and some odd second seconds. And believe me… not screwing up is still a major accomplishment in my book.

I’m not trying to change the world, but I am trying to change myself.

One day at a time.

This day–today–is right here for the taking. I know you, and I know you have the strength and determination to power through a day eating right and doing right. I’m not asking you to do more than you’re capable of and I’m certainly not asking you to do any more than I’m asking of myself.

Let’s get through one good day, and what say we make that day today.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

My Jokes May Get Old, But Losing Weight Never Does…

Weekly weigh-in: 210.8
Loss: -1.7
Total loss: 80.7 lbs.
Emotion: Gr8t!

An old man shuffles into a confessional, and the following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody!

The other day, I was at the grocery store engaging in my favorite hobby (reading ingredients and loudly harrumphing), when I was approached by a guy I hadn’t seen in a year or so.

Suddenly, I had the oddest sensation: I saw what other people are seeing when they look at me these days. This guy had lost fifty pounds since I’d last laid eyes on him, and the transformation was absolutely amazing. I shot a wide-eyed smile at him and exclaimed, “Man, you look fantastic!” And there was nothing convoluted or forced about the statement; he really did look terrific.

“Look who’s talking,” he replied, and that’s when it hit me like a ton of fat.

Up until now, I’ve taken all the compliments and well wishes in stride. I’ll blog about my weight until the cows get skinny, but I still have trouble talking about it to people one-on-one. But I don’t know; the experience of seeing someone else I hadn’t expected lose the weight… well, it somehow made me have a greater appreciation for my own accomplishment.

Eighty freakin’ pounds, thank you very much.

High-fiving a hobo?

Buddy, I’m high-fiving everybody!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Reversing It

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I repackage some older posts and pawn it off as something new and original. A lot of my posts get their start on the elliptical or on the stationary bike at the gym. I'm chugging along, my mind wandering, and I'll hit on something that I think is interesting. If the thought stays with me all the way through my workout, shower and trip back to the office, then I take it and run with it (if I can). You'd be surprised at how many posts I start and can't get enough traction to finish. Anyway, this one stuck around for over a month, just because I liked the idea but couldn't seem to make it work. Then, late one night, I came back to it and finished it in about twenty minutes. Sometimes that's the way it goes. This one did get a very nice reaction.

I will always be fat
And I refuse to believe that
I can lose this weight
I do
I realize that isn’t the way most people think but
“Eating to live instead of living to eat”
That’s just not working out, and I truly believe
Eating what I want will make me happier in the end
It’s just a big fat lie, thinking
Being fit is the most important thing in my life
Now I understand that
Making myself happy with food
Is more important than
Making myself healthy with food
And this much is true:
People are succeeding at losing weight every day
But I know in my heart this will not be the case for me
This could wind up killing me
Doctors tell me
I will shorten my life and steal time away from my family
Right now it doesn’t seem possible that
I can change my ways and be fit for the rest of my life
This is what I believe:
This journey is just too tough for me
I don’t want to even consider the fact that
I can control the causes of my shortcomings and my failings
It’s just a fact of life that
People like me are weak-willed and lazy
And it’s ridiculous to believe that
I will lose weight and be healthy

That’s how I used to think; then I chose to reverse it (read from the bottom up).

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Mizard of Miz (Part 6 of 6)

“Well, my pretty,” squealed Jillian. “I want to know when you’re going to give me that ruby Body Bugg?”

“Ummm,” said Dina, a confused expression on her face. “I'd like to know why we skipped ahead to this part.”

Jack said we were running long,” came a voice in the corner. “We’ve got to pick up the pace.”

Tricia?” exclaimed Dina.

“Hiya, pal,” said Tricia.

“You’re a…. you’re a…”

“Yeah, I’m a flying monkey,” said Tricia. “But hey… it’s more prestigious and pays better than being a secretary for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Quiet!” barked Jillian. “I want that ruby Body Bugg and I want it now.”

“I can’t get it off,” answered Dina. “Plus, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Jillian cackled and flicked on a nearby TV.

“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “I just put a super-secret death spell on your fat ass. You have until this episode of The Biggest Loser is over to figure out how to get that Body Bugg off or you die.”

“Is this the episode where the rest of them kill Tracy?” asked Tricia excitedly.

“Go round up the other monkeys!” Jillian shrieked at Tricia, who sneered back but eventually slowly flew out the window and toward the flying monkey rec room.

“Now,” said Jillian, turning back to Dina. “I’m going to film a product placement segment. I suggest you find some way to give me what I want.”

Jillian slammed the door behind her, and Dina let out a big sigh. She fiddled with the Body Bugg for a few moments, but soon got absorbed in watching The Biggest Loser.

Outside the wicked bitch’s castle, Ton-Man, Carlos and Jack the Sh*tcrow stared down at a long row of guards who were marching in front of the building.

“I’ve got an idea,” said Ton-Man. “We dress up like guards and sneak into the castle.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Jack, who was well aware that the story was running long and really needed to be wrapped up soon. “How about we take this AK-47 I found on the ground and shoot all the guards from right here?”

“What kind of sick bastards do you think we are?” asked Ton-Man.

“Give me that,” said Carlos, who clicked off the safety and opened fire on the guards below. In a few grisly moments, it was all over.

“Well that was incredibly easy,” frowned Ton-Man.

“We just didn’t have the budget for a additional guard costumes,” explained Jack as he got up and made his way toward the castle.

A short while later, Rikko led them to the door of the room where Dina was being kept.

“Hurry!” exclaimed Dina from behind the locked door. “They just started the weigh-in.”

“Don’t worry,” said Carlos. “They’ll have a couple of cliffhangers and twenty or thirty commercials. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“We could make a battering ram,” suggested Jack.

“Out of what?” asked Ton-Man.

“Something big and heavy, maybe,” said Jack.

“Hey, Sh*tlock Holmes,” said Carlos. “Did you try the door?”

Jack tried the knob and opened the door. Rikko rushed in and jumped into Dina’s lap.

“Rikko, you’re safe!” exclaimed Dina.

“We’re fine, too,” said Jack.

“Whatever,” replied Dina. “Let’s get out of here. This has just gone on long enough.”

“Not so fast, my lovelies,” sneered an evil voice.

“Ahhh!” screamed Ton-Man. “The wicked b*tch of the West Coast!”

“Jillian?” asked Carlos, dumbfounded. “I figured it would be Camevil. I mean, her name’s got the word ‘evil’ in, for God’s sake.”


“You got that right, sister!” exclaimed Jack, throwing a giant bucket of warm, brown glop onto the wicked bitch.

“Ewwwwwwww!” said Carlos, Dina and Ton-Man.

“You think I’m afraid of a little sh*t?” laughed Jillian.

“It’s not sh*t,” smiled Jack. “It’s chocolate pudding.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” screamed Jillian, going beserk. “Do you know how much fat, sugar and calories are in chocolate pudding?”

Screaming like a banshee, Jillian leapt out the window and crashed hard into the courtyard below.

“Don’t worry about her,” said Ton-Man. “She’s too mean to die. But that should put her out of commission for a while.”

The next day, the group was again standing before the Marvelous Mizard of Miz.

You did a halfway decent fantastic job destroying all the bitches of Miz,” she told them. “Now what can I do for you?”

“I’d like some hair,” spoke up Tony.

“Where I come from,” said the Mizard. “Men with hair are constantly worried about it falling out, developing bald spots and turning grey. So here’s this instead…”

“A new hoodie,” smiled Ton-Man. “Thanks, Mizard.”

“A guess a little mojo is out of the question,” asked Carlos.

“Carlos, where I come from there are people who have mojo coming out of their ears, but there’s one thing they don’t have…” said the Mizard, pulling out a silver dish from behind her back.

“A BBQ sandwich and a beer,” laughed Carlos. “You rock, Mizard!”

“What about the fact that I’m full of sh*t?” asked Jack.

“Where I come from, there are a lot of people who are full of sh*t, Jack,” explained the Mizard. “But they have one thing you don’t have. A blog.”

Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit?” said Jack. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you’re going to be very busy from here on out,” replied the Mizard.

“And what about me?” asked Dina. “I just want to get the hell out of here.”

“You gotta talk to my podcast partner,” smiled the Mizard, and suddenly the Dietgirl floated down from above in her magic bubble.

“Shaunda the Good?” frowned Dina. “Are you gotta be kiddin’ me?”

“That’s right, Dina,” smiled Shaunda. “Didn’t see that coming, did you?”

“It’s the ruby Body Bugg, right?” asked Dina.

“Of course,” replied Shaunda. “Just press the button there that says ‘HOME’ and say ‘There’s no place like Pseduogout. There’s no place like Pseudogout.’

When she opened her eyes, Dina was back in the store where a surly cashier was telling her that the Blue Light Special had expired and the ferret shampoo was now back at full price.

“Well, Rikko” said Dina. “I think we learned a valuable lesson on this mad-cap adventure: K-Mart sucks!”


Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Mizard of Miz (Part 5 of 6)

After a two-week hiatus in the Poppy Fields, the gang (Dina Gail, Ton-Man, Jack the Sh*tcrow and Carlos the Cowardly Liar) finally made their way into the city of Miz. They knew that they were in the city of Miz because of the song the inhabitants were singing to them…

Ah - ah - ah, Ow - ow - ow -
And a little wah – wah - whiz.
That's how we exercise the day away,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Run – run – run, jog- jog- jog -
And a glass of low-cal fizz.
That's how the misfits all get fit,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

We get up at six and work out til half past one.
And make sure and do some stretching when we’re done.
Jolly good fun!

Ah - ah - ah, Ow - ow - ow -
And a little wah – wah - whiz.
That's how we exercise the day away,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Veg, veg here, fruit, fruit there,
And a little protein like this.
That's how we keep so young and fair
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

Work out here, work out there,
No matter where you is.
That's how we keep you in good shape
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

We can turn your love handles into nice lean mass.
Can you even take the dimples off my ass? Uh-huh!
Jolly good lass!

Poke, poke here, rub, rub there,
We’ll work you into a tizz.
Your whole entourage can get a massage,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Ah - ah - ah, Ow - ow - ow -
And a little wah – wah - whiz.
That's how we exercise the day away,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!
Run – run – run, jog- jog- jog -
And a glass of low-cal fizz.
That's how the misfits all get fit,
In the Marvelous Land of Miz!

“Look,” said Carlos. “I love me a good gay sing-song as much as the next guy, but I’ve got places to be…”

“The Cowardly Liar is right,” said Sh*tcrow Jack. “We really ought to see about seeing the Miz.

“I swear,” exclaimed Carlos, turning on Jack. “If you call me the Cowardly Liar again, I’m going to kick the sh*t outta you.”

“Look,” said the Ton-Man. “This looks like it might be it.”

“Halt! said the Royal Guard at the door, who just happened to be Alan from Foolsfitness. “Who goes there?”

“We came to see the Mizard,” said Dina.

“Well, Foolsfitness reminds you that ‘life’ itself is the buffet table. It’s all you can eat…and…”

“Alan, we talked about this,” whispered Jack. “You said if I gave you a part in this thing, you wouldn’t go rogue on me.”

“You didn’t tell me it was such a small part,” sneered Alan.

“There are no small parts,” said Jack. “Only small actors.”

“Ha, ha,” laughed Carlos. “You’ve got a small part.”

“Okay, Chunky-Style!” said Alan, getting up in Carlos’ face. “Why don’t you and your pals go see the Mizard right now? I’m gonna love seeing this… she’s gonna run you folks ragged.”

With a slight feeling of trepidation, the travelers walked down the long corridor towards the throne room.

“You okay, Jack?” asked the Ton-Man. “You smell even worse than usual.”

“I might have crapped myself a little,” admitted Jack.

“C’mon,” urged Dina. “The sooner we find the Mizard, the sooner we can get back to our lives.”

“Yeah, I need to get back to the gym,” said the Ton-Man. “I’ve only done two workouts today.”

“Freak!” muttered Carlos and Jack together.

Suddenly, they encountered a ginormous glowing head that spoke with a loud and stern voice.


“Okay,” said Dina. “I guess we really should have expected something like this…”


“I ain’t bowing to a big fat, glowing head,” said Carlos.


Everyone, looking a little uncomfortable and out of place, eventually bowed before the floating image.


Ton-Man immediately started doing jumping jacks, and soon the entire group was working up a sweat.


“We… shoulda… stayed…. in… poppy… field,” grunted Carlos.


“Not… girl… pushups,” groaned Jack. “They’re…lady…pushups.”


“Rikko?” exclaimed Dina, calling for her pet ferret. “Where are you, Rikko?”

“Somebody get this hairy bastard adorable pet off my leg!” said a fit woman wearing workout togs and a brightly-colored doo-rag and kicking at Rikko.

“That’s the damdest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Carlos. “How’d she say that cross-through thing?”

“Why did you bring a crazy rat up in herre and… hey, you’re the crazy chick that dropped a house on Bitch Cakes, aren’t you?”

“Excuse me,” said Dina, rolling her eyes. “It was a K-Mart.”

“Yeah, yeah,” smiled the Mizard. “Whatever it was, nice work snuffing out that crazy bitch notable blogging star.”

“Don't mention it,” said Dina.

“Well, you did me a solid,” said the Mizard. “If there’s ever anything I can do to return the favor, just say the word. ”

“Well, since you did mention it,” said Dina. “We’ve all got some special requests…”

“Okay, look,” said the Mizard. “I’ve got a deal for you. I can get you all what you want, but you gotta do one big little thing for me…”



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