Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Healthy Blog Dropout



Your story’s sad to tell,
A too-big ne’er eat well,
Stopping at every McDonalds on the block!
Your future's so unclear now,
You just drank another beer now.
Can't even fit into your loosest smock!

Angels: (La lalala lalala lalala...)

Healthy blog dropout.
No more posts do I see from you.
Healthy blog dropout.
Missed your weigh-in and update, too.
Well at least you could have taken time,
To post on Facebook and Twitter,

Whatever happened to your goal of
Getting yourself a bit more fitter?

Better get movin’ (better get movin’),
Exercise until you ache.
Diet improvin’ (diet improvin’)
You eat the carrots, not the cake.

If you change your attitude, and your appetite so bottomless,
Perhaps you won’t wind up looking just like a hippopotamus

Healthy blog dropout (healthy school dropout),
Hanging around the vending machine.
Healthy blog dropout (healthy blog dropout),
It's time to health up your cuisine.

Well, if you’re back to going out
To order everything on the menu
Then I guess I’m gonna have to

Go ahead and just unfriend you.

Baby, just sweat it (go on and sweat it),
It’s time you started doing right once more.
Best not forget it (best not Forget it),
You’ve lost the battle, not the war.

Now your workouts stopped, your muffin topped, and still you can’t restart.
Just get your ass in gear and put down that Pop-Tart!

Baby don't blow it,
Don't put my good advice to shame.
Baby you know it,
It’s time to get back in the game.

Now I've called the shot, get off the pot, you really need to try.
Out-of-shape caterpillar, next stop: new butterfly.

Healthy blog dropout (healthy blog dropout)
Go back to caring.
Healthy blog dropout (healthy blog dropout)
Go back to caring.
Healthy blog dropout (healthy blog dropout)
Go back to caring.

Monday, May 16, 2016

How to Parent Healthfully

• Kids learn eating habits by watching their parents, so be sure to hide in the closet while wolfing down that family-size bag of peanut M&Ms.

• Limit television to 17 hours a day.

• Introduce new foods by helping kids make a connection to foods they already like; for instance, “This is celery, the banana’s learning-disabled cousin.”

• Encourage active play like biking, swimming and ditch-digging.

• No more fishsticks for breakfast (except on special occasions or weekends).

• Small children love to spend active time running around at the park. Just remember to pick ‘em up after the movie’s over.

• Buy a box of one of those crazy, colorful cereals that kids love, pour it all in the trash and replace it with one of those healthy options in the Natural Foods section, such as Flaxseed Flakes or Quinoa Puffs. They’ll never know you pulled a switcheroo!

• Make parsnip puppets.

• An easy way to make kids eat all their vegetables is to tell that you’ll take ‘em to Disneyland next week if they’ll eat them. Note: this will only work two or three times before they wise up.

• If your child won't take a vitamin, hide it inside a raisin. If he/she doesn't like raisins, hide the raisin inside a deviled egg. Doesn't like deviled eggs? Hide the deviled egg inside some s'mores. C'mon, all kids like s'mores! 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Benefits of Not Getting Enough Sleep

Arianna Huffington has a new cause, and it’s for people to get more sleep in order to improve their lives.

Maybe it’s because her site The  Huffington Post was so much more successful than my first attempt at blogging – The Puffington Host – but I have to take exception to this more-sleep push.

Just off the top of my head, here are some of the many reasons why not getting enough sleep is not only not bad for you, but also not bad for you (I KNOW THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE; I’M WORKING ON TWO HOURS OF SLEEP PER NIGHT THIS WEEK, OKAY?).

• Not getting enough sleep allows you to enjoy hallucinations that you might otherwise never get to experience without the use of recreational drugs.

Normal TV viewing hours don’t generally run classics such as Super Sweaty Sorority Sisters III on Skinamax – bow chicka yow WOW!

• Staying up all night gives you extra time in your day to tackle jobs you normally wouldn’t have time to do, such as watching videos of cats doing funny things or watching videos of babies doing funny things or watching videos of cats doing funny things to babies.

• Have you ever been grocery shopping at 3 a.m.? Dude, you’ve got the entire aisle to yourself!

• Less wear and tear on your pillow means that you don’t have to replace it as often. I’m not sure how much pillows cost since I’ve never replaced mine, but I’m sure that those savings can really add up!

 If your significant other doesn’t really care for doing the horizontal hula, you’ll be happy to know that sleep depravation drives down your sex drive, so it won’t bother you as much.

• This Candy Crush app thingy isn’t just going to just play itself, you know!

• Not getting enough sleep provides an easy – and true – built-in excuse for your lousy job performance.


• If you’re not sleeping, you don’t have to worry about that pesky dream where you show up to your high school reunion buck naked. WAIT, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WASN’T A DREAM?!?!?!?!?

Monday, May 9, 2016

Taking Care of Bigness




I get up every morning
From the ‘larm clock's warning
Take a great big look in the mirror.
There's my stomach full of stuffin’
Bellty bloatin’, belly bulgin’
A bad end’s gettin’ one day nearer.
Cuz see I’m running outta time
A victim of my own crime
Time to start changing up the way I weigh
Oh, I’m sure that I’ll be tested.
Look at me, I'm self-invested
I love to work my muscles each day
And I'll be…

Taking care of bigness (every day)
Taking care of bigness (every weigh-in)
I've been taking care of bigness (it’s all mine)
Taking care of bigness
And work out all the time.

Work out!


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Signs Your Personal Trainer Isn't Up to Snuff

• Sits on your stomach and trims his toenails while you’re doing bench presses

• Eats three caramel apples during your session

• Speaks to you in language he made up himself

• Spends an hour working on your “shintoid” muscles

• Spends first thirty minutes trying to convince you professional wrestling isn't fake

• Makes you hold funnel while he pours tequila into his water bottle

• Carries clipboard, but only thing on it is a beat-up copy of Hustler magazine

• Wants you to do set of five “Fire Alarm Pulls”

• Yanks your pants down while you’re trying to chin-ups

• Finishes every sentence with “according to the prophecy”

• His “kettlebell” is a grapefruit with a duct-tape handle

• Offers to be paid in meth.

• Counts “1…2…8…9… 10!”

• Advertises on Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit.


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