You Can't Spell "ZZZZZZZ's" Without "ZZZ"

• Change into pajamas on your drive home from school or work.

• Keep a giant wooden mallet on your nightstand and give yourself a stiff konk on the head at bedtime, just hard enough to knock yourself out but not so hard that you do serious damage.

• Eat supper in bed.

• Fix yourself a steaming cup of herbal NyQuil.

• Use a really comfortable pillow dipped in chloroform.

• If you’re using a vertical mattress, try switching to a horizontal one.

• Quit brushing your teeth with Red Bull.

• Keep your bedroom quiet, dark, and comfortable instead of loud, bright and uncomfortable.

• Cut out at least one of your after-dinner naps.

• Read the guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation… talk about boooooring.

• Visualize something restful, such as sheep taking a bath in warm milk.

• The amino acid tryptophan is a natural sedative, so eat three or four turkey legs right before bedtime.

Tips You Can’t Top

• You can make healthier tacos by just putting all the taco ingredients in your cupped hand instead of shell.

• Remember this little rhyme to slow down your eating: “Stop eating faster, you stupid bastard!”

• You can make your own push-up exercise area by having a floor and… well… I suppose that’s all you need. Good job!

• To make yourself look thinner, dress in dark colors, wear vertical stripes and lose weight.

• Try imagining yourself relaxing in a really peaceful, serene place, such as the opposite of where you are and what you’re doing right this second.

• One way to stop snoring is to have a wife that’ll punch you in the back throughout the night growling “Will you quit snoring, Jack!!!”

• Don’t like salad? Try this simple trick: shut the hell up and eat the salad – it’s good for you!

• You can make French toast healthier by replacing the bread with fresh fruit and the syrup with non-fat yogurt. 

• Reading can nourish your soul (except for this blog, which actually tarnishes your soul just a little bit). 

Good/Bad

Good: Raisin Bran. 

Bad: Milk Dud Bran.

Good: Handful of raw almonds.

Bad: Handful of steaming hot taco meat.

Good: Long walk after dinner.

Bad: Long chili dog after dinner.

Good: A glass of water every hour while at work.

Bad: A shot of tequila every time you get a new email while at work.

Good: 20 push-ups (the exercise)

Bad: 20 Push-ups (the sherbet treat)

Good: 100-calorie snack pack.

Bad: Ten 100-calorie snack packs.

Good: Session with a personal trainer.

Bad: Trying to get free personal training session by dressing all in black and pretending to be shadow of person getting personal training session.

Good:  A glass of red wine.

Bad: A case of red wine.

Good: Half-marathon.

Bad: Half- half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon.

Good: Eating several small meals each day.

Bad: Eating seventy small meals each day.

Good: Weight-loss blogging.

Bad: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.

My Reign in Spain Ends Mainly with a Gain

What chance did I possibly have?

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 249.8

Current weight: 255.2

Loss: +5.4 lbs.

Total loss since start of new year: 14.8 lbs.
Goal for coming week: Convince my brain that vacation is over, Rover.

Shame on US

This is the saddest thing I saw
on my recent trip to Spain...

A picture's worth a 1,000 calories. 

How to Lose Weight in 100 Easy Steps

1. Be overweight.
2. Have a desire to quit being overweight.
3. Wait ‘til next Monday, because… y’know… Mondays are best day to start this kind of thing.
4. Unless it’s Monday today.
5. Then start next Monday.
6. Damn, it’s Monday already?
7. Okay then, I guess it’s time to start.
8. Finally.
9. Take deep breath.
10.  Count backwards from ten.
11. Begin.
12. Have you started? 
13. Good!
14. Hey, this isn’t so bad.
15. This isn’t so bad at all.
16. Look, there’s a box of free donuts in the break room.
17. Damn.
18. Damn.
19. Damn.
20. Okay, this confirms your theory in the existence of a cruel, prankster God.
21. Nice try, God.
22. Just remember, the first day is the hardest.
23. That is, until the second day.
24. Truthfully, that third day is gonna be murder.
25. Oh, I forgot to tell you…
26. Don’t look too far ahead.
27. Take it one step at a time.
28. Just put one foot in front of the other.
29. Never put one foot in front of the same foot.
30. There! You made it all the way to lunchtime.
31. High fives!
32. SLAP
33. For lunch, have the opposite of what you really want.
34. At some point during the day, you’re going to want to get some exercise.
35. Okay, so Step 3 or 4 should have been “Pack a gym bag.”
36. “Pack a healthy lunch” should have been up there, too.
37. Wow, I can’t believe what a sucky job I’m doing on this list.
38. Hey, you didn’t have to nod your head in agreement!
39. Jerk!
40. Go exercise wearing the workout clothes I reminded you to pack and eat the healthy lunch I reminded you to bring.
41.  By late afternoon, ignore the urge you have to kill everyone around you.
42. You’re doing great!
43. Nibble on something low-calorie and filling, such as an apple, some raw almonds or a pine cone.
44. Drink water.
45. A lot of water.
46. It provides a load of health benefits, including all the exercise you’ll get in by running to the restroom constantly.
47.  If you’re filthy rich, call ahead to your personal chef André and have him begin preparing a healthy dinner for you and your family.
48. If you don’t happen to be filthy rich, make your own healthy dinner, all the while lamenting the fact that André is off cooking for some other lucky bastard.
49. Damn that André!
50. His soufflés were always less light and fluffy than they should have been!
51. If you have a glass of wine, remember that the cork can actually be used to stop the bottle back up and preserve the rest for a later date.
52. If you’re having ice cream for dessert, remember that a little goes a wrong weigh.
53. Going for a brisk walk after dinner can boost your metabolism, improve digestion and get you out of doing dishes.
54. Reflect on the positive accomplishments you achieved today.
55. Don’t get too caught up in dwelling on any setbacks you may have suffered, such as accidentally eating an entire ham.
56.  Tonight, instead of zzz’s, try getting zzzzzzzz’s. 
57. Wake up!
58. I SAID, WAKE UP!!!!!!!
59. Remember what I said about the second day being bad?
60. Anyway, repeat Steps 11 through 56.
61. Eventually it will turn into a habit.
62. How long will it take?
63. Who do I look like, Mr. Science Guy?
64. Since I’m sitting at my desk in front of a computer, I’ll Google it for you.
65. By the way, don’t spend too much time sitting at your desk in front of a computer.
66. Okay, this says it takes 21 days to form a new habit.
67. Actually, that’s a myth according to this other site.
68. It’s more like 66 days.
69. However, it’s unwise to attempt to assign a number to the process.
70. The duration of habit formation is likely to differ depending on who you are and what you’re trying to do.
71. So… does that answer your question?
72. Anyway, keep on keeping on.
73. After that, keep on keeping on keeping on.
74. You may find the going rough, especially in the first few months.
75. Some weeks you’ll do great and the scale will not reflect it.
76. Some weeks you’ll face struggles and stumbles.
77. Some weeks it’ll seem easy as pie.
78. Some weeks you’ll eat too much pie.
79. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect.
80. But you do have to be honest with yourself.
81. And recognize that you will, in all likelihood, get the results you deserve.
82. Even though that doesn’t seem quite fair.
83. Time will pass.
84. Believe me, time will pass.
85. And eventually…
86. You’ll start feeling better.
87. More energy.
88. More confidence.
89. More stretch marks.
90. Clothes will start fitting better.
91. Somebody will stop you and ask, “Are you losing weight?”
92. Spurred on by your renewed energy and some positive encouragement, you may very well find that you have another gear.
93. Shift into it.
94. You’ve got this!
95. Where you are isn’t necessarily where you have to be.
96. This is your life.
97. You are the master of your density.
98. You are the captain of your scale.
99. I’m on my way.
100. How about you?

Good News, Bad News, Oh-No News

Good news: I am still on vacation in Spain.

Bad news: I like Spain's wine.

Oh-No News: Spain is mad at me because I am drinking all of her wine. Shut up, Spain! I'm on vacation!