Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Wee Little Children Can't Get Enough of My Weight-Loss Songs

Flop! Goes the Weigh-In

All around the lunch buffet,
The buffoon kept on eatin’.
The buffoon thought ‘twas all in fun.
Flop! Goes the weigh-in.

When I Was At My Workout Spot

When I was at my workout spot,
I saw a man do seven squats.
After every squat was seven curls.
After every curl was seven lats.
After every lat was seven lifts.
Lifts, lats, curls, squats
I shoulda done some of that, I thought.

Lady Belunge-a

Lady Belunge-a in the back of the gym,
Lunge so strong as you lunge each limb.
Watching yourself on the mirror on the wall,
You’re such an inspiration to us all. 

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a
Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,
With your perfect form,
I’m so in awe
Of you, so lunge-y.

Way over yonder where the big weights sit,
Where you lift and curse and spit,
The weights go up and the weights go down,
See the muscles squirting out of your gown.

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a
Oh, Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,
Keep on doing great,
Keep on going strong, we like to watch you.

When it’s dark, I’m home and fed. 
I think I coulda done like you instead.
Tomorrow’s coming, my gym bag’s packed. 
I might. Who knows? I might. 

Laaaaaaaaaaby Belunge-a
Oh, Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,
With tomorrow’s dawn,
I’ll get my workout on. 
I’ll soon be lunging. 

Lady Belunge-a in the back of the gym, 
Lunge with vigor and lunge with vim.
I’m doing a workout that’s long overdue.
And I’m working up a big sweat, too.
I’m just working up a sweat like you!

I’ve Got the Mojo, Mojo, Mojo, Mojo

I’ve got the mojo, mojo, mojo, mojo
Down in my gut (Where?)
Down in my gut! (Where?)
Down in my gut!
I’ve got the mojo, mojo, mojo, mojo 
Down in my gut.
Down in my gut to stay.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Say “Yes” to Less-Stress Success

• You can turn a tennis ball into a stress ball by... well... just by squeezing it, I guess. Great job!

• Screaming at your boss and walking out of the office with your pants around your ankles will make you feel better for 30 seconds or so.

• Breathing exercises are a great way to reduce stress. Try this: breath out, then breath out again, then breath out again, one more time, out, out, out. Now when you wake up from having passed out, I’ll bet you feel much better.

• Some “experts” tout the benefits of ammoniatherapy in stress reduction, but smelling a rag dipped in ammonia just gives me a headache.

• Try a cup of chamomile tea while listening to classical music while getting a massage while having sex. Talk about relaxing!

• Giant pile of laundry got you feeling down? Do you own a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches?

• Sometimes all it takes to calm yourself down is taking a long walk down a quiet Mexican beach.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Some Really Unhealthy Thanksgiving Food Ideas

• Turkey stuffed with Chocolate Pudding

• Marshmallow Casserole topped with Candied Yams

• Cheese Au Gratin

• Mashed Vanilla Frosting with Gravy

• Fried Cranberry Sauce

• Candy Cornbread Dressing

• Hambrosia

• Macaroni-and-Cheesecake

• Grease Bean Casserole

• Pecumpkin Pie (Pecan Pie topped with Pumpkin Pie)

Need more unhealthy Thanksgiving ideas? Click here.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Weigh-In Wednesday: That’s the Way the Fat-Free Cookie Crumbles

Your goals are right there.

Every day.

Every single day.

And every day you’re either one day closer.

Or one day farther away.

Or one day exactly the same, I guess.

I’m tired of being farther away.

I’m tired of being the same.

It’s time to get going.

Every day.


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last weigh-in: 263.8
Current weight: 263.2
Loss: 0.6
Total loss since re-start: 6.8 lbs.
Goal for coming week: Eat more less, do more more.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Signs It's Gonna Be One of THOSE Days

• Glove compartment inexplicably filled with freshly prepared bacon

• Nurse who administers flu shot gives you candy apple for being so brave

• You go to answer you cellphone, only it turns out to be a Hershey bar

• Sample lady at grocery store holds you down and squirts entire can of Cheese Whiz down your throat

• The blog post you spent 45 minutes writing turns out to just be the words “ICE CREAM” repeated 700 times

• When you pointed to an item on the menu, the waitress thought you ordered the entire menu

• For some strange reason, your manicurist is having you soak your fingers in barbecue sauce


• Shipment from Donut-of-the-Month Club arrives


• You pour yourself a steaming cup of coffee, but then realize that
 someone filled the carafe with rotel dip


• Waitress forgets to bring your hot fudge on the side when she drops 
off your sundae

• Multi-vitamins you’ve been taking turn out to be Sugar Babies


• Have to call off your workout because somebody's on your lucky treadmill


• Neighbor brings by a bunch of freshly picked cotton candy


• Forgot it was weigh-in day and wore your chain-mail socks

• 100-calorie bagel you had for breakfast turns out to be 1,000-calorie one instead

• You’re at work, and the conveyor belt that delivers the chocolate candy that you’re supposed to wrap speeds up like crazy…


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