Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Watch this space!

I'm getting ready to try something new here.

(Hint: it involves losing weight and writing about my experience with ... wait for it... losing weight.)

It's gonna be epic!

Monday, January 9, 2017

Jackie Hears a Wha?

On the 15th of May, in a restaurant of Thai
In the hour of his lunch, his plate piled sky-high.
He was eating… enjoying a buffet devastation.
When Jackie the blogger boy had a revelation.

Ol’ Jackie stopped chewing,
He looked like a dum-dum.
“That’s funny,” thought Jackie.
“A noise from my tum-tum.”

Then he heard it again!
Just a very faint shout
As if some tiny person
Were cussing him out.

“What’s the prob?” muttered Jackie.
“And just what are you? What?”
As he listened to the noise
And rubbed a hand on his gut.
He heard a small sizzle, like some kind of fire
That came from inside an industrial fryer.

“I say!” murmured Jackie. “I’ve got a few questions.
What’s a small spark of fire doing in my intestines?
Why is it there when it wasn’t there prior?
There must some reason for that small spark of fire!
Maybe a manifestation of my hopes and fears.
Perhaps it’s a message that’s just for my ears.”

Turns out that it wasn’t a fire at all.
Or a tiny little person making a call.
It was just that I’d eaten with way too much zeal.
Chowing down on my thai food at my midday meal.
Just shoveling it in my piehole faster and faster.
My body was saying, “Slow down, you dumb bastard.”

It’s a lesson I just thought that I should mention.
You should listen when your body tries to get your attention.
Eat what you should, let good health be your guide.
And enjoy peace and quiet (at least from inside).

Wednesday, January 4, 2017


Back by Popular Demand No Demand Whatsoever

Let me tell you a little story…

Once there was a boy named….

No wait…

I should change the name to protect the innocent…

Once there was a boy named Jork.

Oh, he was a beautiful boy, with intense greenish-blueish-brownish eyes that you could get lost in if you stared in the mirror too long…

Anyway, Jork had a really popular blog that helped him lose a lot of weight. It got millions and millions of readers, or at least he thinks it did; he never really figured out that whole Google Analytics thing.

But Jork got promoted to a job that actually involved him doing some work during the workday, and he was forced to let his blog fall by the weight-side.

What happened next… well, this is going to come as a tremendous shock to you, but Jork packed on quite a few pounds. I know…

Turns out that the blog actually helped him more than he realized.

Jork is busier than he’s been in quite some time, but he’s going to try to make time for his healthy living quest.

And his blog.

Go Jork, go!

Monday, September 19, 2016

Hire Me!

Because I'm a quasi-celebrity blogger, people approach me all the time help market their products or services. As a public service to anyone wanting to engage me for promotional services, I'm including my official price list for all the various ways I'm available to help...

• 10-second audio clip of me burping your product’s name: $5

• Me mentioning your product or service in a tweet: One half penny

• Video of me romantically slow-dancing with your product: $75

• Product haiku: $10 per syllable

• Me loving your product forever and ever: $50

• A photo of me pretending to take a whiz on your competitor’s logo: $25

• Video testimonial of me yodeling a special yodel dedicated to you and you alone: $150

• Me getting your brand’s logo tattooed on my buttocks: $500

• Me doing a 15-min podcast talking about your product or service: $250, plus you showing me how to make a podcast

• Me wearing a tuxedo, top hat and monocle, then going to the mall and mentioning your product with an English accent: $200 plus tuxedo and monocle rental

• Me reviewing your product on a blog post: $100

• Me reviewing your product and giving it ONE MILLION STARS:  Listen, I don’t sell my integrity like that (I’m kidding… I give every product ONE MILLION STARS)

• Me never ever mentioning your brand on my blog, FB or twitter feed: $10,000

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Just the Tip (the Health Tip, That Is)

• In the afternoon, try drinking a glass of V-8 juice instead of eating a rack of ribs.

• Tired of paying for expensive salad dressing? Do you have access to a friend's kitchen and a bulky purse?

• At meals, try eating with just one fork at a time.

• A registered dietician can assist you in designing a nutritional plan you’ll find months later and have a good laugh about. 

• You know what’s good for emotional eating? Tortilla chips and Rotel dip! You know what’s good for not emotional eating? Me either.

• If you're at a party where they have one of those chocolate fountains, it's a good idea not to do what you're thinking about doing right this second.

• Eating at home instead of going out will help in your weight loss efforts, mostly because of what a bad cook you are.

• Make sure you're rinsing your mouth out with mouthwash and not sno-cone syrup.

Thursday, September 1, 2016


This is for you, fatty....

I took my weight, and I brought it down.
Was doing well, but then it turned around,
And I saw my reflection in the ol’ bathroom mirror,

Seems the backslide brought me down.
Oh, mirror in the bath, why so fat?

Why did my resolve all go flat?
And can I meet all the challenges that I’ve faced?
Can I handle this wasteland stuck around my waist?

Oh oh, I don't know, oh I don't know..
Well, I've been afraid of gaining,
‘Cause I’ve built my life around food.
But time goes by quicker
Soon you’re get thicker.

Yeah, I'm getting thicker, too.
So, take my weight, take it down.

Get serious and don’t fool around.

Next time I see my reflection 

In that damned bathroom mirror,

Well, the Jack-slide will bring me down, down

And when I see my reflection
In the damned bathroom mirror,
No more backslide; weight’s coming down.

No more backslide; weight’s coming down.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Stressed out?

• Drink a big cup of chamomile whiskey.

• Refrain from spending time in a cramped closet staring at a strobe light while listening to recordings of a baby crying.

• When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Say a little prayer. Here… I’ll get you started: “Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight.”

• Sex is a great stress reducer, but be careful that you don’t make a baby, which a great stress increaser.

• Marriage can add a lot of stress to your life, so you should probably limit yourself to one spouse at a time.

• A simple way to relieve stress is to take a long walk along a beautiful Caribbean beach.

• Laughter releases endorphins that improve mood and decrease levels of stress-causing hormones, so when you’re feeling stressed just take a good look at my last performance review.


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