Thursday, February 4, 2016

Yes, I Can Help You Eat Less

• Eat off a smaller plate, using even smaller utensils, at a minuscule table inside a tiny house.

 Treat yourself to a Hershey's kiss every time you eat 100 celery stalks.

 Always take the first spoonful of yogurt and fling it at your child - (1) over time the calories will really add up and (2) the kid probably did something to deserve it.

 Every time you have a craving for something sweet, slam your finger in the car door.

 When you go out to eat, ask your waitress to bring half of your entree out as an appetizer, serve half as your main course and box up the remaining half for you to have as lunch tomorrow.

 You don't have to finish off that bottle of wine tonight; you can stick it in the fridge and it'll keep at least one more day.

 There's a simple way to tell if your serving size is too large:  it's ALWAYS too large.

 Drink a big glass of water before your meal and then a big glass of water instead of your meal.

 Ask your waiter: What's your least popular dish?

 When you're in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint, ask yourself “What the hell am I doing in the drive-thru at a fast-food joint?”

 Yes, it's a sin to waste food but I believe “gluttony” is on the big board as well.

 Chew each bite 20 times (or at least two).

  There's one guaranteed way to make you eat less:  let me cook for you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Roundhog Day

Radio: (singing) Then put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb.

Jack (smashing radio): I hate oldies radio!

Radio: ….babe… I… zzzt… got you babe… zzzt.

Cut to Jack in front of TV camera.

Jack:  Once again the eyes of the nation have turned here to this… tiny blog in western … blah blah blah blah blah. There is no way…  that this weight loss journey… is ever going to end… as long as this round hog eats too much and doesn’t exercise enough. I don’t see any other way out.

Jack: It’s gotta be stopped.

Jack: And I have to stop it.

Cameraman: Uh, real good, Jack. Real good.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

This Plan Cannot Fail (Unless It Doesn't Work)

Tried eating more and exercising less, and that didn’t work.

So I tried exercising less and eating more and that didn’t work either.

Tried exercising little more, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Tried eating little less, more or less, and that worked a little, more or less.

Now I’m gonna try not eating more anymore and not exercising less anymore.

More less-eating.

Less exercising  less.

Less more-eating.

More exercising more.

Okay... locked and loaded.

Let's go!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Ha! I Just Wasted Your Precious, Precious Time!

Dammit! Somebody told me that their blog
wrote itself, so I thought I'd try it.
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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Weight-Loss Nursery Rhymes

The Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl blogged ‘bout his weight.
The more he wrote, the less he ate.
The less he ate, the more losses occurred.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?

Baa Baa Fat Sheep
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any determination?
No sir, no sir,
Need some motivation.
Some to make me eat less,
And some to make me move,
And some from all the blogs
That keep me in my groove.
Baa baa fat sheep,
Have you any will?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Now I’m made of steel.

Georgie Pudgie
Georgie Pudgie, pudding and pie,
Ate all the time and didn’t know why.
Ate all his pain, and boredom and strife.
Georgie Pudgie ate his life.

Pop Goes the L-Bs
Half a pound’s a very good job.
Half a pound’s no fail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes.
Down! Goes the scale.
Working hard is really hard work,
But you can prevail.
That's the way the weigh-in goes,
Down! Goes the scale.

Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle,
Too much in the middle,
You blew up just like a balloon.
Being more fit is way much more fun.
Now get moving and put down that spoon!

Healthy-boy Jickory Jack
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack,
He wants a healthy snack.
The clock struck three,
Raw almonds, green tea.
Healthy-boy Jickory Jack.

Little Boy You
Little boy you, come blog your journey.
Be you housewife, mechanic, doc or attorney.
Where you live is not the big question.
Fill us in on your progression.
Will you give up? No, not you.
Just do the best that you can do.

Little Jack Sh*tter
Little Jack Sh*tter
Goofs off on Twitter,
Tweeting for all that he’s worth.
They may be dumb,
But I’ll tell ya, chum.
It helps him to fight off his girth.

Monday’s Meal
Monday's meal is full of fat.
Tuesday's meal is more of that.
Wednesday's meal is indefensible.
Thursday’s meal much more sensible.
Friday's meal is 1500 calories at most.
Saturday’s meal is melba toast.
And then it comes down to weigh-in day…
Why didn’t I lose weight today?

Monday, January 18, 2016

Kn*ck Kn*ck

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Wade who?
Wade myself this morning and gained half a stinkin’ pound.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Jack who?
Jack and see if something’s wrong with that scale.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Cash who?
Thanks, a handful of cashews only has 100 or so calories.

Kn*ck Kn*ck!
Who's there?
Sara who?
Sara easier way to lose weight than diet and exercise?

Kn*ck Kn*ck.
Who’s there?
Claudette who?
Claude et the whole pie in one sitting.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Alli who?
Alli discharge is a side effect of that new fat pill.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Hawaii who?
Miserable–I’m dieting. Hawaii you?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
One shoe
One shoe who?
One shoe get me something better to eat than this fat-free cottage cheese?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream every time I think about dessert.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
U-boat who?
U-boat lost more weight than I did this week.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Dewey who?
Dewey really have to keep up with all these stupid points on WW?

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me some veggies… they’re low-fat and delicious.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Amsterdam, who?
Amsterdam tired of all these stupid Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes I could sh*t.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Police who?
Police stop complaining about these Kn*ck Kn*ck jokes.

Kn*ck Kn*ck
Who's there?
Rita who?
Rita another weight loss blog if you want something that’s not so stupid.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Oh, Snape!

Jack: Ummmm… Professor Snape?

Snape: Ugggh… you again, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: Yeah, I think there’s been some sort of mistake…

Snape: What do you… wait. What is that in your cauldron?

Jack: What’s a “cauldron”?

Snape: Is that… *sniff*… is that coffee?

Jack: “Cauldron” means “coffee cup”? You learn something new every day at Hogwart’s!

Snape: Why did you call me over here, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: I think I’m in the wrong class.

Snape: What?

Jack: I signed up for “Portions” not “Potions”.

Snape: Portions?

Jack: Yeah, I seem have a real problem with portions. I thought I was a pretty good guesstimator, but it turns out I was eating nine servings of granola in one sitting.

Snape: That’s appalling!

Jack: Tell me about it. Much more of that and you could change my name to "Neville Widebottom".

Snape: Go on...

Jack: And my “handful of nuts” was actually four servings.

Snape: How is that possible?

Jack: I’ve got big hands, okay? Anyway, research confirms that larger food servings not only provide more calories –duh – but also have two other effects: they encourage people to eat more and to underestimate just how much they’re eating.

Snape: Fascinating.

Jack: So I signed up for Portions thinking I could learn some tricks, y'know, like using portion control dishware, making my own single-serving packs, dishing out servings separately and especially controlling portions when eating out.

Snape: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever said this before but… 50 points for Gryffindor.

Jack: Ummmm… I’m a Hufflepuff.

Snape: Of course you are. Of course...


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