Friday, December 19, 2014

Make-Your-Own Healthy Holiday Gifts

• To make my newest invention - the KettleBelt™ - simply thread an ordinary belt with a 25-lb. kettlebell.

• Got a sharp pocketknife a large block of wood? There's no reason you can't whittle yourself an elliptical.

• Burn a CD of your favorite workout songs. Or since you've shown you don't mind giving stolen goods, why not go to the mall and shoplift something nice?

• Got a bicyclist on your list? They really appreciate the gift of not hitting them with your car when you're out driving.

• Gift certificate for me to sit on person's feet while they do sit-ups.

• Make a healthy food gift basket by filling a gift basket with healthy food, dumbass.

• You can make a quart of homemade Kombucha soda if there's someone on your holiday list that you truly detest.

• As always, a subscription to my blog lets that special someone know just how much you care.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Jack Dammit!

• Dammit! Didn't realize ten 100-calorie packs would be 1,000 calories!

• Dammit! Thought I'd filled bottle with zero-calorie Gatorade but it turned out to be raspberry sno-cone syrup!

• Dammit! Thought I was being smart by going with discount food-tracking app, but turns out that it counts 2-gallon jar of chunky peanut butter as 7 calories!

• Dammit! Pre-paid for six weeks of personal training from guy who doesn't know what a bicep curl is!

• Dammit! Turns out my 5k trail is actually .5k!

• Dammit! Did 35 minutes on the stationary treadmill and didn't even break a sweat!

• Dammit! Nobody ever told me you're not supposed to have feet on the ground when doing chin-ups!

• Dammit! Promised to cut back on alcohol before I realized that "vodka" was alcohol!

• Dammit! I've already broken several of my New Year's resolutions!

• Dammit! Nobody thought this blog post was an entertaining as I did!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Lights, Camera, Aerobics!

Famous Movie Lines, Rewritten for the Healthy Living Crowd

• “Frankly, my dear, I won’t eat a ham.”

• “What we've got here is failure to lose the weight.”

• “E.T. phone pizza.”

  “I love the smell of napalm and hash browns in the morning.”

• “Houston, we have an eating problem.”

• “You had me at ‘Jell-O'.”

  “As God is my witness, I sure am hungry again.”

• “Say hello to my little friend! She’s lost 35 lbs.”

• “Pasta la vista, baby.”

  “Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”

• “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Only 350 calories.”

• “Carpe diet.”

• “Love means never having to say you're sorry you ate the entire wedding cake.”
• “We who are about to diet salute you!”
• “My precious… pizza rolls.”
• “You've got a real pretty mouth. And I’ve got a lot of pretty cupcakes.”
• “If I tell you what I weigh, I’ll have to kill you.”
• “Nobody puts baby back ribs in a corner.”
• “Hakuna Potato.”
• “Sugar-delic! Do I make you hungry, baby?”
“Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

• “Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel loses a pound.”

• “I wish I knew how to quit juice.”

• “Shaken, not stirred… on second thought,  I’ll have a Mango Bobango Smoothie with a vitamin boost.”

• “I see fat people.”

• “I'll be back… after my workout!”

Thursday, December 11, 2014

What Does Confush*t Say?

Confush*t say...

…person who eat too much over the holiday need to quit cold turkey.
…person who employ low-carb diet is going against the grain.
…person who drinks too much coffee has a latte problems.
…person who succeeds in diet employs mind over platter.
…person who lives life as couch potato will likely raise tater tots.
…person who eats too many donuts dozen have a good diet plan.
…person who are butter lovers generally are not better lovers.
…person who eat too many French fries find weight ketchup to them.
…person who has successful weight-loss journey find it takes breadth away.
…person who doesn’t eat Jewish food might find it too Hasidic.
…person who drinks too many fancy coffee drinks may get brewed awakening on scale.
…person who always takes salt shaker and puts more on is salt-shaking moron.
…person who eats too much at Japanese restaurant might have sake weigh-in.
…person who drops a size in pants gives sighs of relief.
…person who doesn’t like bread overcooked might be black-toast intolerant
…person who mistakes a piece of sh*t for sausage finds day taking a turd for the wurst.

Confush*t believes there are two kinds of people in this world. The first person is the one who diets and exercises religiously. The second person is the one who eats and does what they want and prays they don't gain weight.
Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Ways to Liven Up Your Workout

I can’t make going to the gym fun, but I can make going to the gym fun! (If you think that doesn’t make sense, then read on, my friend! It only goes downhill from here…)

• Have personal trainer assign you a gym nickname (mine is “Mister Creampuff”)

• Listen to music on your iPod. What? You said you already do that? OH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING! GIVE IT A REST!

• Skittlebells (that’s my invention; it’s an ordinary kettlebell with Skittles hot-glued all over it)

• Loudly talk to yourself in your own made-up language

• Make a new friend (using one of my handy, dandy Fitness Center Conversation Starters™)

            - “Look how puffy my muscles are getting!”

            - “Will you be my treadmill partner?”

            - “Hey, wanna watch me do arm curls?”

- “Will you give me an honest assessment of my glutes?”

- “Hey, you’ve got a wireless cell phone.”

- “Check out how ripped I am. Yeah, I mean my pants.”

- “I like to listen to nature sounds on my iPod when I’m on the treadmill; I can almost imagine I’m actually walking outside.”

-  “I think there’s too much ‘ham’ in my hamstring.”

- “You know what would be a cool name for an exercise: ‘The Abdominal Snowman.’”
- “I once had an out-of-body experience on that piece of equipment.”

-  “I’m just curious: what’s your social security number?”

- “Who’s the StairMaster? I’M THE STAIRMASTER!”
- “You know what this gym needs? A Moon Bounce!”
- “Aren’t these workout gloves soft? They’re made out of human skin.”
-  “Excuse me, but what’s a good exercise for your headtoid muscles?”

-  “You know, when I finish my workout, I feel just like a beautiful butterfly.”

• You’ll get a better workout from a highly motivated personal trainer, so before your session, inform her that you just slashed her tires.

• While on the treadmill, carry lit sparklers and hum The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

• Spandex everything, baby!

• When you’re at the gym, pretend that one of the other people there is a murderer. Ask questions to the people around you and see if you can guess who it is (hint: the murderer likes the elliptical).

· Work out in 3-D.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Healthy Traditions for the Holidays

• Christmas caroling combined with 10K run

• Egg-substitute nog

• Banana Claus!

• Kale cut into Christmas cookie shapes

• Jingle kettlebells

• Fruitcake that doesn’t have any cake in it

• Mistletoe salad

• Raw nutcracker

• Eight maids a’lifting

• Nativity scene includes Wise Men on treadmills

• Kickboxing Day

• Gingerbread house made from melba toast, hummus and kalamata olives

• Insert your own "Hide the Pickle" joke here

• Leave plate of celery sticks and carrots for Santa

• Three sets of Poinsettia-Ups

• Gather the family in the living room for It’s A Wonderful Workout


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