Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Jawin’ to the World



Jackie Sh*t had a dull blog.
He had it since 2000 and 9.
I never understood a single word he wrote,
But I sure loved to hear him whine.
And he always had a diet-y tie-in whine.

I say I’m…

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Jawin’ to the world,
Pudgy boys and girls, now.
Jawin’ to the folks fightin’ obesity.
Jawin’ to you and me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine Reading List

Hungry for Love 
by Anna Recksiek

A Red Hot Affair with the Candyman
 by Bess Eaton

Lust in the Lockerroom 
by Earl Lee Riser

A Recipe for Ecstasy 
by Russell Sprout

Really Hot Yoga: Downward Doggy-Style 
by Ben Dover

Low-Fat Arousal 
by Eddie Bull

I Desperately Want You, But I’ve Still Got 20 Minutes on the Elliptical
by Howie Doohan

Too Much Passion, Too Many Calories 
by Marsha Mellow

I Lost Enough for Him to Sweep Me Off My Feet 
by Kenya Dewit

Silk Stockings and Worn-Out Running Shoes 
by Ophelia Payne

The Rendezvous Without Fondue 
by Eaton Wright and Liv Good

To My Health’s Desire 
by Brock Lee

Low-Fat Infatuation 
by Chris Coe

Salmon Chanted Evening 
by Al K. Seltzer

Deep Lunges with My Personal Trainer 
by Tad Moore

A Date with Density 
by Chris P. Bacon

Romance and Tight Pants 
by Hugh Jass

No More Screwing Around (Well, Except for You-Know-What) 
by Walter Melon

Pre-Weigh Foreplay 
by Brighton Early

A Little Amour, A Little-a Less 
by Biff Wellington

Things Are About to Get Really Spicy (Since I Learned That Cooking With Cayenne Pepper Dramatically Increases Metabolism) 
by Jack Tupp


Monday, February 13, 2017

Alternative Fat

This week – 229.8 lbs.
Loss: -50.0 lbs.
Total since starting over: -52.7 lbs.


That is a yuge weight loss! No one can lose weight the way that I can.  This is all part of my master plan to MAKE AMERICA FIT AGAIN!

Okay, I’ll own up…

That was fake news.

This week – 280.8 lbs.
Loss: +1.0 lb.
Total since starting over: -1.7 lbs.

Got too caught up flipping back and forth between watching Fox News and MSNBC and didn’t move a muscle for an entire week.


Sad!


Thursday, February 9, 2017

Knock Knock

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda
Wanda who?
Wanda start eating better and exercising more, but it’s very hard.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish I didn’t like cheese so much.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I’m never going to be able to stick to this diet!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone offer me a little encouragement? I’m dying here!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi ‘cided to go get in a workout today.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca healthy lunch so I don’t gotta go out.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the worst blog post I’ve written in quite a while.






Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Weight-Loss Ditties for the Wee Little Children

Bah, Bah, Jack Sh*t

Fat, fat Jack Sh*t,
Have you any food?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!
One fulla Wheat Thins,
One fulla cheeses,
And one full of cookies
What do I weigh? Sweet Jesus!
Bah, bah, Jack Sh*t,
Have you learned your lesson?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Bein’ overweight’s depressin’!

The Healthyman

Who can wake at sunrise,
Put on a running shoe?
Slip on the other one and then go jog a mile or two?
The healthyman, the healthyman can,
The healthyman can cause he knows exercise
Will make his body feel good.


A Triscuit, A Biscuit

A Triscuit, a biscuit,
Hash browns straight from the skillet.
I used to eat all the things I love, 
But along the way I stopped it.

I stopped it, I stopped it,
I hated to, but I stopped it.
A littler boy was the result,
With smaller clothes in his closet.



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