Sign of the Times

THE DAILY SCALEY

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don't stop.

Fit Jokes

A thought occurred to me the other day: why are there so many "fat" jokes and hardly any "fit" jokes?

Such as...

“You so fit that you signed up for
your company's 401K program thinking
that it was a weekend fun run.”

or 

“You so fit you served as a pallbearer at a
funeral and told the other pallbearers,
‘You guys can sit down; I got this.’”

I could do this all day. As a matter of fact... I did....

Check 'em out by heading over to my newest post for my buddies over at Anytime Health. Man, I've really gotten good at making links, haven't I? What? That last one didn't work. Sonofabitch!

THE DAILY SCALEY

I may not be getting the results I want, but I'm not getting 

the results I don't want. Wait, does that make any sense?

Rise & Shine - Healthy Morning Strategies

• Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; always stand at attention and do not fail to salute your oatmeal.

• Save time by dressing while you shower.

• It's tough to get in a morning workout, so consider incorporating Chinese fire-drills at every red light on your drive to work or school.

• Instead of half-and-half in your coffee, try half-and-half-and-half.

• Try to get at least 10 hours of sleep per week.

• One way to determine if your breakfast cereal is healthy or not is to check and see if it glows in the dark.

• Despite myths to the contrary, it's not that healthy to grow, roast and grind your own coffee mug.

• Do the research and get the right mattress for you, even if the salesperson keeps shaking you and saying, "Excuse me, sir. You can't sleep here."

THE DAILY SCALEY

 In the confrontation between the stream and the rock,

 the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.

Mo-Ate-Me

Let’s start at the very beginning.

It’s the only place to start.

When you read, you begin with A-B-C.

When you gain, you begin with mo-ate-me.



Mo-ate-me, mo-ate-me.

The first step towards obesity.

Mo-ate-me, mo-ate-me.

[Jackria:]

Mo-ate-me-fa-so-long-no…

[spoken]
Let’s see if I can make it easy…



Mo… too much, upon my plate.
Ate… put it all in my mouth.
Me… the guy who ate too much.
Fa… how far my health went south.
So… I think it’s time to change.
Long… I’ve got so far to go.
No… this is gonna be so hard.
That will bring us back to Mo (oh-oh-oh)

Mo-ate-me-fa-so-long-no-mo! 



When you know the things to eat...
You can eat most anything
.
[spoken]

Together!

[Jackria and Children:]

When you know the things to eat,

You can eat most anything!
 


Mo… too much, upon my plate.
Ate… put it all in my mouth.
Me… the guy who ate too much.
Far… how much my health went south.
So… I think it’s time to change
Long… I’ve got so far to go.
No… this is gonna be so hard.
That will bring us back to Mo!

THE DAILY SCALEY

Dammit! Forgot to weigh this morning. 

The Aveggiers

So I got rejected by Hollywood for my Game of Stones mini-series idea, and it really bothered me until I came to a sudden realization: it was everybody else’s fault, not mine.

Well, I’ll take a little of the blame, for not thinking big enough. I needed a BIG idea and  BIG stars to make my dream a reality.

Get ready for the next mega-blockbuster-extravaganza…

THE AVEGGIERS

A group of health warriors trying to save the world from those who promote obesity. It’s got everything! Heroes! Obesity! Ummm… okay, so far that’s all it’s got, but that’s a pretty good start.




The story begins with Chuck Fury, agent of S.H.E.D.I.T. He’s on a mission to slim down when the ultimate weight-loss villain shows up…

Pauloki Deen, the Baroness of Butter, the Damsel of Diabetes, the Mistress of Macaroni-and-Cheese. She is attempting to take over the world with her high-fat recipes.

So Chuck calls his pal David Kirchhoff, CEO of Weight Watchers and author of the new smash hit Weight Loss Boss. But unbeknownst to those around him, he is also the superhero known as Captain Bossmanica.

Then Chuck calls in a couple of other well-known but equally heroic figures… Bob Harper, the man known as Bobeye…

And the lethal workout assassin Jillian Michaels or, as some folks call her, the Black Widowmaker.
Fearing that Pauloki Deen was the most formidable foe ever encountered, Chuck decided to call in the big guns including the Iron Maid – Charlene Johnson

The Really Incredible Hulk, Richard Simmons.



And the God of Thunderthighs… Jack Sh*t. “I’m mighty Thor,” proclaimed Jack. “Cuth I workth outh tho hard yestherday.”

Will these heroes… the Aveggiers… win the day versus the forces of obesity?

Sorry, but you’re gonna have to buy a movie ticket to find out…


*Note: The Aveggiers will also be available in 3-D or, if you pay for extra pair of glasses, 6-D!

Cooking Lighter Like a Good Dieter

• You can make your own spray olive oil by figuring out some way to push regular olive oil into an aerosol can.

• When making mashed potatoes, you can save some calories by using skim milk and skim potatoes.

• You can make healthy fish sticks by cutting grilled fish into sticks.

• Instead of deep-frying salad, try sautéing it with a little butter.

• Fill the salt shaker on your table with something that looks and tastes exactly like salt but isn't.

• You can make your own cottage cheese by cottaging some regular cheese.

• Pizza can be made more healthy if you leave off the crust, meat and cheese.

• Instead of a box of Velvetta cheese, use anything else.

THE DAILY SCALEY

Not going backwards over the weekend 

is almost as good as going forwards.

Losing Ass And Taking Names

I make no bones about it: blogging has been an instrumental part in my getting-more-healthy plans.

I get more than my fair share of support from the masses with fat asses, so I like to return the favor when I can.

So… tell me about you and your blog (if you have one). Where are you on your journey? Any big (or little) successes along the way that you'd care to share? What setback (or speed bump) is slowing you down?

And thanks again for supporting me the way you do (if you do) and for helping keep me interested in what I’m trying to do.

THE DAILY SCALEY

 

I found another gear, baby  (unfortunately, it's "neutral")