You Don't Have to Leave But You Can't Stay Here

It takes quite a lot of time to craft creative, compelling blog content.

It also takes a lot of time to post the kind of stuff I do.

I’m taking a little break to recharge my batteries (yes, this blog is still battery-powered!), focus on some of my healthy living goals and maybe… just maybe… learn a little something about myself (okay, okay… catch up on my Netflix backlog).

As Garrison Keillor said, "Be well, do good work and keep in touch" (unless you're contacting me about when I'm gonna pay you back that money I borrowed; don't you realize how greedy that makes you look?).

The Slimshank Redemption

Jacky: You think you’ll ever get to goal weight? 

Red: Yeah, one day when I’ve got a long white beard and two or three marbles rolling around upstairs… I’ll get there.

Jacky: Tell you where I’m gonna go when I get there… Healthyiwanttobeoh.

Red: Is that a Mexican restaurant?

Jacky: It’s more of a state of mind than a place. You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?

Red: No.

Jacky: They say that it’s the largest of the Earth’s oceanic divisions, extending from the Arctic in the north to the Southern Ocean (or, depending on definition, to Antarctica) in the south, bounded by Asia and Australia in the west, and the Americas in the east.

Red: What does that have to do with anything?

Jacky: Nothing, really. I just want to spend the rest of my life learning to eat more nutritional foods and enjoying a healthy and active lifestyle.

Red: Healthyiwanttobeoh.

Jacky: Place like that I could use a man who knows how to get fit.

Red: I’m not sure I’m ready for that level of fitness, Jacky. I’ve been overweight most of my life. I’m an instant gratification man now.

Jacky: Well, you underestimate yourself.

Red: I don’t think so. In here, it’s pretty easy to control caloric intake, sure. But outside… there’s all those fast food places, all those fancy sandwiches. Hell, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Burger King Triple Whopper with Cheese… sh*t, that’d scare me to death, something that big. 

Jacky: Me, too. I didn’t lose all this weight just to turn around and gain it all back. Whatever mistakes I’ve made, I’ve paid for and then some. That life, that healthy future, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Red: I don’t think you ought to be doing this to yourself, Jacky. This is just a crappy pipe dream. I mean, good health is way the hell down the road and you’re right here and that’s the way it is.

Jacky: Yeah, right. That’s the way it is. It’s down there and I’m right here. (dramatic pause) I guess it comes down to a simple choice: get busy eating or get busy dieting.

Weight-Loss Tips for Babies

• Switch to skim breastmilk.

• Whenever someone tries to feed you, spit out as much as possible to keep from consuming too many calories.

• Hey, that rattle isn't going to shake itself.

• Supposedly, anything you pick up off the floor has zero calories.

• Request that your parent not give you a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew.

• Try aerobic toddling.

• Cut a hole in bottom of your stroller and swing your legs; it feels just like you're really walking.

• Add chopped kale to your baby food; it's already so bad that you can't make it any worse.

• Count calories (well, when you learn to count, that is).

• Take off your Pampers when weighing in; a loaded diaper can weigh up to 15 lbs!

• Arrange your schedule so that you get up several times throughout the night to scream, fuss and cry; it burns a surprising amount of calories.

Even More Healthy Father’s Day Gift Ideas

• Fitbit cufflinks

• Flask filled with Gatorade

• Belt with vitamin dispenser

• Workout robe

• Kettlebell-on-a-rope

• 5K run through Civil War battlefield

• Recliner with ejector seat

• Tie made of tempeh

• 50-lb. fishing pole

• Diet whiskey

• Official “I know Jack Sh*t” t-shirt

Get Outta Here!

I mean it.

Get lost!

Move it! 

Scram!

Skeedaddle!

Head over to Cranky Fitness for the last in my series of guest posts over there.

Go!

Dishing Out Some Healthy Cooking Tips

• To make fried food less fried, try not frying it.

• An easy way to get some omega-3 fish oil in your cooking is to bake with all-porpoise flour.

• Instead of putting 1000 Island dressing on your salad, try substituting 100 Island dressing.

• You can make s’mores healthier by… OH, COME ON! YOU DON’T REALLY THINK THERE’S A WAY TO MAKE HEALTHY S’MORES, DO YOU? WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU?

• If you broil, roast, bake, steam and grill foods, they’re probably going to be overcooked. Instead, just choose one of those methods when cooking.

• Cooking with acidic foods, such as tomatoes, apples, or lemons? Heat acidic foods like these in a cast-iron pot or skillet to spike the amount of the energy-boosting iron you absorb by over 2,000%. Don’t have a cast-iron skillet? Try blending up a Civil War cannonball and sprinkling a teaspoon over your dish.

• Always separate egg whites from egg coloreds before washing.

• Eating even one meal that contains capsaicin—the compound that gives hot sauce and chile peppers their heat—not only reduces levels of hunger-causing ghrelin, but also raises GLP-1, an appetite-suppressing hormone. But keep in mind that some of those words might be made-up.

• Sneak vegetables into everyday dishes to make them more healthy. For example, throw a couple of grated carrots into your favorite carrot cake recipe to make it healthier.

• Avoid added sugar in your recipes by incorporating naturally sweet ingredients such as fresh fruit, cinnamon or my kisses.

A Few More Weight Loss Jingles

Diet right, eating things more liiiiiite.

Outta sight, gettin’ light with right diet. 

I don’t wanna grow fat.

I’ll be totally fit.
There’s a million ways to do it.

I don’t ever wanna quit.
I don't wanna grow fat.
I'm totally fit.
I’m looking better in a sweater,

And my pants rarely split.
From bikes to trainin’ to eatin’ right,
It's the biggest challenge there is (gee whiz!)
I don't wanna grow fat,
Not one single bit
Or I wouldn’t be Jack Sh*t.

More fun, more fitness, oh boy.

I wanna be so totally fit!
More life, more fun, oh boy!

M'm! M'm! Salt! M'm! M'm! Salt!,
Campbell soups are packed with sodium,
M'm! M'm! Salt!

Double your waistband,
Double your butt
With Double-food,
Double-food,
All up in your gut!

The best part of waking up

Is not feeling all achy and bloated and cranky from poor diet and not enough exercise.

I am stuck at this weight.

Yeah, this weight’s stuck on me.

I am stuck at this weight.

Yeah, this weight’s stuck on me.

Yes, it holds on tight no matter what

On fingers, toes and knees. 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh

I am stuck at this weight

But that’s not stopping me.