It's Like No One Used to Say...

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You can’t always get what you want.

No, you can’t always get what you want.

But if try sometime…

You just might find…

A really good weigh-in!

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last week’s weight: 258.0

Current weight: 253.9

Loss: -4.1 lbs.

Total loss since start of new year: 16.1 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Don’t do opposite of what I did last week.

Wedding Cake Crashers

Jack Sh*twith: Eclaire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I’ve never gotten that chance. Maybe I don’t deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to eat free food. Business was good. I ate a *lot* of food. It was childish and it was unhealthy.

Eclaire: And pathetic.


Jack Sh*twith: Yeah. That’s probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you and your weight loss blog, so it’s hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that was commenting over at your blog? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I mean… who’s really named “Jack Sh*twith” by the way? Or my job. I’m not really a Knife Thrower’s Assistant’s Assistant. But the comments I left; the jokes, the words of encouragement, that was all me. I’ve changed. I’ve realized something. I crashed a funeral today.


Jeremy: [mutters] Oh Jesus.


Jack Sh*twith: It wasn’t my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
[to Jeremy] 
 I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work; they really serve a great spread at after-funeral get-togethers.


Eclaire: Jack!


Jack Sh*twith: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she’s a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world, and I realized we’re all going to kick the bucket eventually. That’s the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because I can make positive changes in my life that actually give me a better chance to live a longer and more active life. Claire, I’m not standing here asking you to follow my blog or even leave a comment, I’m just asking you to maybe take a walk, eat a little better, take a chance.

“Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.” 

-Jeremy Grey, Wedding Crashers

More Things I've Said to the Girl Scouts…

• “Do you have any ‘Thinner Mints’?”

• “Legally, I'm allowed to shoot you with a gun and claim the 'Stand Your Ground on Your Scale' defense.”

• “Do-Si-Do? Oh-Me-No!”

• “I'm sorry; I usually don't slap little girls that aren't my daughters.”

• “Sorry, but I spent my last $10 buying canisters of Cheeze Whiz from the Seventh Day Adventists.”

• “Hmmmmmm, it would only take a week of strenuous exercise to work off three Cranberry Citrus Crisps...”

• “Do you accept Confederate dollars?”

• “No, I don't want any cookies, but I do wanna know why Brownies don't sell brownies.”

• “I realize that selling cookies is supposed to help you girls learn about money management, but I think you investing in my new Ponzi scheme would teach you a better lesson.”

• “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

• “I'll take a box of Raw Celery Shortbread.”

• “Well, what can one box hurt?”

Ways to Celebrate Fit Tuesday

• Jog topless and catch beads thrown at you.

• Eat a slice of a King (Rice)Cake.

• Move your azz to some jazz.

• Drink a Hurrican’t (that’s a “Hurricane” without the rum, juice or syrup).

• Wear a mask to the gym (come to think of it, that’s a good idea anytime… who is that guy that never wipes his sweat off the elliptical?).

• Make a voodoo doll of yourself and then make it do 100 crunches

• Have my famous “bean-ignet” (benignets made from heart-healthy pinto beans)

• Jump over puddles of vomit on Bourbon Street.

• Don’t do any of the stuff you normally do to celebrate Mardi Gras.

A Few Diet-y Ditties

• It's considered pretty reckless to eat fish and chips for breakfast.

• If you order the whole menu, I'm gonna unfriend you.

• Dieting's more exhausting if you eat a can of frosting.

• Eat a lot of cheese if you like your pants to squeeze.

• It's hard to lose that pouch if you never leave the couch.

• If you don't eat your vegetables, I'll kick you in the genitals.

• It's okay to eat desserts if you run a marathon first.

• Oh, c'mon... for Pete's sake: don't eat a whole cheesecake.

• An hour on the treadmill will do more good than eating bread will.

• Eat a lot of fries to supersize your thighs.

• Read my blog each day and goof things will come your way (no, no... "good" things. WTF, Autocorrect?)

Sometimes You Have a Bad Week

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last week’s weight: 256.8

Current weight: 258.0

Loss: +1.2

Total loss since  start of new year: 12.0 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Do opposite of what I did last week.

Lemme tell you: I was killing 2014.

2014 was wearing a t-shirt that read: I AM JACK SH*T’S BITCH!

I would just glance over at 2014, and it would be like “I’m sorry, sir. Did I do something to offend you.”

I had taught 2014 to fetch, play dead and sit up and beg.

2014 and I had an understanding.

Or so I thought.

But no, 2014 was just playing along, letting me believe that I had it all figured out. That anything I did was going to work out in the end.

Thank you, 2014, for showing me that you’re just like every other year.

You’re going to make me work for it. 

You’re going to make me fight for it.

You’re going to make me earn everything you give me.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s still on, 2014.

It’s still on.