Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Hard-Working Health Tips for the Office

• Ask receptionist to replace bowl of candy on front desk with platter of fresh chard.

• Don’t make out with any co-workers who exhibit cold or flu symptoms.

Studies have found that some privacy at work can boost job performance and satisfaction, so hide out in the supply closet for at least an hour a day.

Staring at a computer screen all day can cause your eyes to get tired and dry, so spend a few minutes each hour crying inconsolably.

• During long business meetings, try to organize a quick hoe-down; square dancing burns a surprising amount of calories!

You can tell if you are choosing the right ergonomic office chair if the price tag makes you say “errrrrrg!”

Preparing your meals and snacks for the next day the night before is a good idea. Eating those meals and snacks in the driveway on your way to work is not.
Stand while you’re on hold when you’re on the phone with Comcast, but only attempt this if you’re in good enough shape to be on your feet for 12 hours or more.

Monday, March 2, 2015

I Am Mother Goose!

Jaa Jaa Jack Sh*t

Jaa Jaa Jack Sh*t,
Have you any food?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full!
Two fulla veggies,
One fulla fruit.
All to keep me lookin’ good
In my birthday suit
Jaa Jaa Jack Sh*t,
You’re so smart with food.
Yes sir, yes sir,
I’m the good-food dude!

Beer, Beer Go Away
Beer beer go away,
Please don’t fill my Saturday.
Little Jackie’s gotta weigh.
Sing a Song of Six Pounds

Sing a song of six pounds,

A mouth full of cheese;

Eatin’ til you can’t breathe, 

Pants begin to squeeze.

When you finally had enough
Your life began to shift.
When you began to give a crap,
You gave yourself a gift.

Now you watch what you consume
And exercise each day.
The results? They speak for themselves
Just look at what you weigh!

It’s a great thing that you’ve done
You’re wearing smaller clothes.
You’re soaring like a black-bird
On this healthy course you chose.

Diddle Diddle Dumbass

Diddle, diddle, dumbass, my son Jack,

Ate ten 100-calorie snack bags for a snack
That’s 1,000 calories,
If you’re keeping track.

Diddle, diddle, dumbass, my son Jack!

Friday, February 27, 2015

Yankee Doodle Fatty

Jackie Doodie went to town,
Sad about his bigness.
Decided to visit a buffet,
And put it out of business.
Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jackie Doodie, fatty.
Keep on chowing down like that,
And life will end quite badly.

Jackie Doodie went on a diet,
Cut back on snacks and candy.
Lost a bunch of weight, by God,
And now he’s feelin’ dandy.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jack Doodie, healthy.
Keep on eating like you should
And your future’ll be more carefree.

Jackie Doodie went to the gym,
And ran upon the treadmill,
That’ll do more for your bod
That being overfed will.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.
Jack Doodie, sweaty.
Running isn’t quite so tough

Without that big ol’ belly.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

“Grease” Is Not Necessarily the Word

Slimmer livin’, had me a blast.
Slimmer livin’, lost so much ass!
Met my foe: obesity.

Met my future: fit as can be.
Slimmer days,
They’re here to stay,

And, uh oh, those slimmer nights!

Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!

Tell me more, tell me more.
Are you better in bed?

Do it more, do it more.
Hey now… that’s what she said.

She looked at me, tightening my belt
She said to me, you look a smidgen more svelte.

Saved my life, now that I’m less obese.
Ask my wife, sex drive’s increased.
Slimmer bod, still kinda flawed,
And, uh oh, those slimmer nights.

Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!

Tell me more, tell me more
Hey, a gent doesn’t say.
Tell me more, tell me more
Just passed fifty-one shades of gray.

Feelin’ good, she thinks I’m hot stuff.
Oh my god, I’m dancin’ round in the buff.
We make out like a couple of teens
Snake is out, if you knows what I means.
Slimmer frame, that’s still my aim.
And, uh oh, those slimmer nights.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Tip to My Lou

• You can make healthy nachos by replacing chips with veggies and the melted cheese with low-fat salad dressing.

• Remember this rhyme: “Take your time and eat more slowly, and maybe you won’t look like a hockey goalie.”

• One way to use your smartphone to help you lose weight is to keep it in your mouth while you’re eating.

• Theres nothing healthier than a fresh Heath  bar  (wait... I meant theres nothing heathier than a fresh Heath bar ... my bad) 

• Eating celery actually burns more calories than you consume, so just constantly eat cele… hold on, that’s actually an activity in Hell, so might as well just wait; you’ll get to do that soon enough.

• To burn more calories, either add an extra five minutes to your cardio routine or deduct an extra five minutes from your afternoon nap.

• To encourage less sitting, replace your office chair with a giant land mine.

• If you’re on Twitter, get your tweeps to provide encouragement for you to meet your healthy living goals (and don’t call them “tweeps”– THEY HATE THAT!)

• The best time to weigh yourself is immediately after you’ve spent a week eating right and exercising.


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