Fitblogger’s Daughter (by Pisa Sh*t)

By Pisa Sh*t

Well, I was born a fitblogger's daughter.
Dad is real particular ‘bout what he’ll swaller.
We ain’t rich, but we buy organic.
That's one thing that Dad's a real fan of.
He’ll switch the stickers just to save a dollar.

My daddy worked all night gigglin’ and writin’.

Chroniclin’ his adventures while he’s dietin’.

Momma told ‘im he’s actin’ stupid.

But it’s helpin’, that can’t be disputed.

The whole thing starts all over come weigh-in day.

Daddy loves his blog, but it don’t make much of a salary.

So he can’t afford a gizmo to track each calorie.

But he tries to be more healthy

Shove less junk food down his belly.

Cuz he knows that a little can go a wrong, wrong weigh.

Yeah, I'm proud to be a fitblogger’s daughter.
I’ve learned to exercise and drink a lot of water.
Daddy’s dumb but he’s no quitter.

He’s workin’ hard to get more fitter.

Now he’s got a lil’ less tetter in his tetter-totter. 

Yeah, lots of things have changed since the way back when.
And it's so good that Dad’s a healthy man again.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer,

But not a lardass anymore.

So happy that I’m a fitblogger’s daughter.

Five Years Down, Forever to Go

 

 

You Can't Spell "ZZZZZZZ's" Without "ZZZ"

• Change into pajamas on your drive home from school or work.

• Keep a giant wooden mallet on your nightstand and give yourself a stiff konk on the head at bedtime, just hard enough to knock yourself out but not so hard that you do serious damage.

• Eat supper in bed.

• Fix yourself a steaming cup of herbal NyQuil.

• Use a really comfortable pillow dipped in chloroform.

• If you’re using a vertical mattress, try switching to a horizontal one.

• Quit brushing your teeth with Red Bull.

• Keep your bedroom quiet, dark, and comfortable instead of loud, bright and uncomfortable.

• Cut out at least one of your after-dinner naps.

• Read the guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation… talk about boooooring.

• Visualize something restful, such as sheep taking a bath in warm milk.

• The amino acid tryptophan is a natural sedative, so eat three or four turkey legs right before bedtime.

Tips You Can’t Top

• You can make healthier tacos by just putting all the taco ingredients in your cupped hand instead of shell.

• Remember this little rhyme to slow down your eating: “Stop eating faster, you stupid bastard!”

• You can make your own push-up exercise area by having a floor and… well… I suppose that’s all you need. Good job!

• To make yourself look thinner, dress in dark colors, wear vertical stripes and lose weight.

• Try imagining yourself relaxing in a really peaceful, serene place, such as the opposite of where you are and what you’re doing right this second.

• One way to stop snoring is to have a wife that’ll punch you in the back throughout the night growling “Will you quit snoring, Jack!!!”

• Don’t like salad? Try this simple trick: shut the hell up and eat the salad – it’s good for you!

• You can make French toast healthier by replacing the bread with fresh fruit and the syrup with non-fat yogurt. 

• Reading can nourish your soul (except for this blog, which actually tarnishes your soul just a little bit). 

Good/Bad

Good: Raisin Bran. 

Bad: Milk Dud Bran.

Good: Handful of raw almonds.

Bad: Handful of steaming hot taco meat.

Good: Long walk after dinner.

Bad: Long chili dog after dinner.

Good: A glass of water every hour while at work.

Bad: A shot of tequila every time you get a new email while at work.

Good: 20 push-ups (the exercise)

Bad: 20 Push-ups (the sherbet treat)

Good: 100-calorie snack pack.

Bad: Ten 100-calorie snack packs.

Good: Session with a personal trainer.

Bad: Trying to get free personal training session by dressing all in black and pretending to be shadow of person getting personal training session.

Good:  A glass of red wine.

Bad: A case of red wine.

Good: Half-marathon.

Bad: Half- half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon.

Good: Eating several small meals each day.

Bad: Eating seventy small meals each day.

Good: Weight-loss blogging.

Bad: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.

My Reign in Spain Ends Mainly with a Gain

What chance did I possibly have?

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 249.8

Current weight: 255.2

Loss: +5.4 lbs.

Total loss since start of new year: 14.8 lbs.
Goal for coming week: Convince my brain that vacation is over, Rover.

Shame on US

This is the saddest thing I saw
on my recent trip to Spain...

A picture's worth a 1,000 calories.