Friday, January 31, 2014

Ultimate Healthy Super Bowl Party Tips

• Seven bites of 7-layer dip, followed by 77 dips. 

• Freshly grilled seahawk steaks.

• Instead of beer, serve lite water.

• Line up 10 treadmills side-by-side for guests to use while watching game (don’t worry… after the game you can just dismantle them all and build ONE SUPER TREADMILL!)

• A couple of easy ways to get everyone’s heart rate up is to get all your guests to jog in place for one minute and/or pull the plug from the TV during a really exciting play.

• Cottage cheesecake.

• Make the party BYOBC (“Bring Your Own Bok Choy”)

• Halftime half-marathon.

• Throw flag for “Unhealthylike conduct” any time anyone eats a potato chip.

• Chicago deep-dish air pudding.

• Every time anybody kicks a field goal, everybody does 10 leg lifts.

• Instead of watching the big game, read everyone excerpts from my blog. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Run Mo, Run Mo (The Marathoner’s Song)

We run run run run run run run 
With our legs the whole day through. 
We run run run run run run run 
Is what we like to do. 
It ain't no feat to beat the street,
If you run run run til your run is complete.
For a mile! For a mile! For a mile! For a mile! 
It always makes us smile!  

We run run run run run run run 
From early morn till ten.
We run run run run run run run 
Up hills and ‘round the bend.
We run until our knees are sore. 
For 10 kilometers, sometimes more. 
But we don't know just what we runnin’ for.
We run run run a-run run.

Run mo.
Run mo. 
Run mo, Run mo Run mo  
Run mo, Run mo 
It's home from runs we go (Whistle)  
Run mo, Run mo, Run mo.  
Run mo, Run mo (Whistle)  
Run mo, Run mo Run mo, Run mo Run mo, 

Run mo Run mo hum.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

This Post Will Put You to a Good Way!

• Change into pajamas on your drive home from school or work.

• Keep a giant wooden mallet on your nightstand and give yourself a stiff konk on the head at bedtime, just hard enough to knock yourself out but not so hard that you do serious damage.

• Eat supper in bed.

• Fix yourself a steaming cup of herbal NyQuil.

• Use a really comfortable pillow dipped in chloroform.

• If you’re using a vertical mattress, try switching to a horizontal one.

• Quit brushing your teeth with Red Bull.

• Keep your bedroom quiet, dark, and comfortable instead of loud, bright and uncomfortable.

• Cut out at least one of your after-dinner naps.

• Read the guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation… talk about boooooring.

• Visualize something restful, such as sheep taking a bath in warm milk.

• The amino acid tryptophan is a natural sedative, so eat three or four turkey legs right before bedtime.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Who Says Nobody Lives Forever?

So you want to live as long as you possibly can? Good decision!

Here are some handy tips to help you with your quest...

• Celebrate your birthday every month.

• My grandfather lived to be over 90 and he smoked, drank and ate red meat every day (of course, he spent last 30 years at hospital hooked up on life-support, but still…)

• If you’re doing something strenuous, and you see a blinding light and hear a choir of angels singing, immediately stop.

• Every day, practice giving yourself the Heimlich Maneuver.

• Recent studies show that smokers who give up cigarettes add years to their life; so if you're currently a non-smoker, you should start take up smoking and then stop.

• If your parents live to a very old age, it greatly increases your chances, so resist the urge to kill them when you’re trying to show them how to work a computer.

• Try not to marry a serial killer. 

• According to a research report from the National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration, seatbelts save approximately 13,000 lives in the United States each year, so replace your regular belt with a seatbelt.

• Protect your bones at including at least one calcium-rich food each day as well as praying to Osteoporosis, the god of skeletal health.

• Download a defibrillator app.

• Do not partake in especially risky endeavors, such as cliff-diving, texting while driving or telling me that today’s blog post really blows.

Monday, January 27, 2014

It's a Three-Dog Night Kinda Night...

Jackie Sh*t had a blog now.
Wrote a lot ‘bout what he ate.
I never understand a single word he said,
But it helped him lose some weight.
And, Lord, he had a mighty lotta weight, 
Sing it…

Jack to the world: 
Llisten boys and girls now
Jack’ll the fittest guy in history
Or at least as fit as he can be.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

History History Repeats Repeats Itself Itself

The last time I was seriously losing weight, I noticed a strange but okay… just strange pattern: I’d have a couple of weeks of losses and then hit a little wall, even if I was doing well on my eating and exercise.

It was as if my body were trying to impede my progress, attempting to dam my weight loss waterfall. 

It puts up a fight.

So I fight back. 

Here’s to another good week.


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last week’s weight: 263.4
Current weight: 263.2
Loss: .2 lbs. 
Total loss since start of new year: 6.8 lbs. 
Goal for coming week: Try not to don’t use double-negatives so much.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Oh, Dammit!

• Dammit! Discovered I've been taking Omega-3 Fried Fish Oil capsules.

• Dammit! Trainer informed me that my "form" was wrong on my chest presses; apparently you're not supposed to take a nap between reps.

• Dammit! Committed to drinking more water during the day but forgot that water's the one that doesn't taste like anything.

• Dammit! Just realized that jar of corn syrup I bought at grocery store contains high-fructose corn syrup.

• Dammit! Stray cat climbed into my gym bag and died over a week ago and bag actually wound up smelling better.

• Dammit! Not sure elliptical I put together all by myself is working right due to fact that one foot goes up over my head when I use it.

• Dammit! Gained weight this week despite fact that I must have eaten over 100 fat-free cupcakes.

• Dammit! Fitness center I just signed one-year membership to turned out to be discount tire store.

• Dammit! Nobody – and I mean nobody – finds these posts as freakin' hilarious as I do.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Burn, Baby, Burn

I am on fire.

Day after day, I convinced myself I was right on the verge of catching fire, all the while dousing myself with evasions and excuses.

Week after week, I told myself that I was about to catch lightning in a bottle, but constantly found myself empty-handed beneath cloudless skies.

Month after month, I looked in the mirror and said "This is it!" only to come to find that this was most definitely not it.

Today I stand before you. A fire in my belly and lightning-stuffed bottles in both hands.

I hope I can ride it out and keep focusing on positive changes.

I hope I will dig down deep and find the strength to keep pushing forward.

I hope I can finish what I've started.

Fire, untended, will burn only a short while.

I want to keep this blaze going strong.

Burn, baby, burn.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

More Healthy Office Strategies

• Raise your desk by five feet so that you spend entire day jumping up and down.

• One way to make yourself drink more water during the day is to invent a computer that's powered by straw-suction.

• To build strong wrists and triceps, consider using a 50-lb ballpoint pen.

• Three words: supply room yoga.

• When a co-worker brings in a plate of homemade brownies, the best thing to do is to pray to whatever god or gods you believe in for strength.

• Meetings can be made more healthy by being held at a spin class.

• A tie made of fruit leather is both stylish and low-calorie.

• Whittle a life-sized replica to sit at your desk while you go for a run.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm Going to Jack-Can-Do!

I think I'm going to Jack-Can-Do,
Gonna exercise and eat better, too.
As soon as I get done right here,
That's what I'm gonna do.
Ja - ja - ja - ja - ja - Jack-Can-Do,
Sweat it up and then a healthy stew.
If I ever get out of here,
I'm going to Jack-Can-Do. 

I used to eat until my pants would pop
Eat my fill but then I still wouldn’t stop
I wish I had six-packs insteada this belly flop.
I sure did feel like goo.
I got tired of wearin’ jeans that wouldn’t snap.
Every day I’d eat way too much crap.
But now I’m startin’ on my victory lap.
Gonna make myself brand new.

That's why I'm going to Jack-Can-Do,
Put the “skip” back in my “skip-to-my-lou”
And as soon as I get out of here 
That's what I'm gonna do.
Ja - ja - ja - ja - ja - Jack-Can-Do,
That's really, really where I'm going to,
Oh, if I ever get out of here
I'm going to Jack-Can-Do.

Now I’m back into the workout zone
Got more energy than a freakin’ cyclone
Yikes, I think I broke my funny bone.
Time to finally break through.
Gonna live the healthy life I choose.
Put on my spandex and my running shoes.
Figure out just what I got to lose.
I know just what to do.

That's why I'm going to Jack-Can-Do,
I’m getting’ healthy, that’s where I'm going to.
As soon as I get outta here
That’s what I'm gonna do.
Ja - ja - ja - ja - ja - Jack-Can-Do,
Come on, baby, you can do it, too
If I ever get out of here 

I'm going to Jack-Can-Do.
Ja - ja - ja - ja - ja - Jack-Can-Do,
Really, really going to,
If i ever get out of here,
If i ever get out of here,
If i ever get out of here,
I'm going to Jack-Can-Do.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Back to the Bloginning

One step forward.

Two steps back.

This is going to come as somewhat if a shock to you, but that is an approach to your weight-loss goals that won't yield optimum results.

I started this blog over 100 years ago (okay I'm guessing about that; I'm too lazy to go back and look it up) and I feel like I've said everything there is to say about the subject of weight loss.

Sometimes, I've talked the talk and walked the walk.

Other times, I’ve talked the talk and walked over to the pantry to get some more chips.

Yesterday I was good.

Today I’m being good.

Tomorrow I’ll be good.

Good for me.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Bad News

…for my scale, that is.


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.
Last week’s weight: 267.6 lbs.
Current weight: 263.4
Loss: 3.2 lbs.
Total loss since start of new year: 5.6 lbs.
Goal for coming week: Keep bitch-slapping scale!

I don’t know about your scale, but mine is… what’s the technical term for it?... oh yeah… “a low-down dirty rat bastard that enjoys showing me a lack of progress.”

Are you going to lay some bad news on your scale this week like I am?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014


Every chubbo boy and girl
All around the chubbo world,
Gonna do the slimbo game.
Gonna slimbo up their frame.

Jack be slimbo, Jack be quick,
Jack gonna do his slimbo schtick
All around the slimbo clock
Time to get his slimbo back.

Slimbo lower now.
Slimbo lower now.
How low can you go?

First you eat a little less.
Then you work out to excess.
Slimbo ankoslimbonail.
See success upon the scale.

Jack be slimbo, Jack be good.
Jack gonna act just like he should.
All the live-long slimbo day.
Hey, let's live the slimbo way!

La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la

Put yourself in slimbo shoes.
Hey now, what you got to lose?
Chubbo thoughts up in your head?
Live the slimbo life instead.

Jack be slimbo, you be too.
Jack can do it, so can you.
All around this slimbo land,
Hey, let's take a slimbo stand!

Hey, no matter who you are,
You can be a slimbo star!
How low can you go?

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Those Who Do Not Learn From Their Mistakes, Something Something Something…

What is there to say that has not been said a hundred times, a thousand times, a million times before?

I f’d up.

And now I wish it were a month later, three months later, six months later, so that I could be back closer to my healthy living goals.

I can see where I want to be off on the hazy horizon, and I know that the only way to get where I want to go is one slow, slogging step at a time.

I don’t really want the days to sweep by (not really), but I do want to see what happens when I stack good days on top of one another until they reach the sky.

I know what can be done with good choices and a little honest effort.

I know what’s possible.

Thanks for stopping by today.

I’ll be here tomorrow, too.

Monday, January 13, 2014

What Time Is It, Kids?

Buffalo Butt: Say kids, what time is it?
Kids: It's Jacky Doody Time!

It's Jacky Doody Time.
It's Jacky Doody Time.
Work out and less to chew
Will work out great for you!
Let's give a rousing cheer,
Cause Jacky Doody's here,
It's time for another weigh-in,
So Jacky isn’t playin’!

Note: Sorry, but f I'm going to blog most every day, you've got to expect some nonsense to slip in every so often. FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN... I'M ONLY HUMAN!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Less Is Moi

At the risk of being completely offensive, let me just say this:  there’s nothing more retarded than getting restarted.

I spent a whole, entire, seven-days-in-a-row week of eating a little less, eating a little healthier and exercising a little more. 

I was health-bent on making some positive changes in my day-to-day life.

I took the stairs at work (and I don’t mean just doing down!).

I cooked some vegetable soup (leaving out the candy corn), and packed one bag with my lunch and the other bag with my gym clothes (one smelled really bad and the other one smelled like dirty clothes). 

I did more right than not right.

I did less wrong than not wrong.

I woke up motivated.

I went to bed hungry.

I wasn’t perfect (Lord knows...).

But I was better.

How’d that work out for me, you ask? 


Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs
Last week’s weight: 270 lbs
Current weight: 267.6 lbs
Loss: 2.4 lbs
Total loss since start of new year: 2.4 lbs

Goal for coming week: Don’t be a one-week wonder!

Friday, January 10, 2014

There Is No “I” in “Jack Sh*t”

I’m pretty sure that there are millions of new readers around here (I don’t trust Google Analytics; I utilize a slightly less scientific method called “basing it on a hunch”), so I thought this would be a good opportunity to introduce myself to you.

I’m just a normal guy that sits behind a desk and does normal-type work for a living. Sound interesting? YOU BET IT IS! 

Sometimes it’s so interesting that I sit in one place–unmoving–for hours at a time. This dedication to physical inactivity, plus a sincere love of putting food in my mouth, chewing it up and then swallowing it, has caused me to gain back some of the weight that I worked so hard to lose over the past few years.

Not to fret…

I’m back in the saddle (I’ve found sitting in a saddle is better for my back than sitting in a regular office chair - go figure), and I’m improving my diet and exercise regimen (now my exercise regimen actually includes exercise!). 

Fortunately, I’m blogging more regularly, too. And more irregularly (which, unfortunately, is a function of me blogging more regularly). 

And I’m trying to do a better job of reading others’ blogs as well (so do me a solid and leave your site’s URL in the comments).

If you’d like, you can connect with me on Twitter or Facebook or just shoot me an email at I’m also on LinkedIn for no good reason, have a Pinterest account I rarely update and am on Google+ (if that’s still a thing). Please note, my eHarmony profile has been deleted due to the fact that the heavy traffic it was generating kept crashing the site’s servers.

I kind of lost my mojo last year, but thankfully found an app (“Find My Mojo”) that located it for me (it had fallen behind the couch). 

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I’m here to stay.

Hope you are, too.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Like the Vikings Say...

The glutton does not
Guard himself
Eats till he's ill.
Wiser men
Only mock

A fool's fat belly.

–from The Havamal
(Book of Viking Wisdom)

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

No More Clowning Around (Okay, Just a Little…)

My wife Anita found this at a thrift store.

We’ve all been trying to guess exactly how many
murders it has witnessed (My guess? Less than 50).

I brought it with me to work as a reminder
that putting the wrong food in your mouth...


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Back to the Drawing Board (And I Can’t Draw!)

But I’ll tell you what I can do…

I can pack a healthy lunch.

I can skip my midday brunch.

I can work and break a sweat.

I can not eat a whole baguette.

I can walk a mile or two.

I can cook a healthy stew.

I can lift a bunch of weights.

I can leave food on my plates.

I can play a lot of basketball.

I can drink a lil’ less alcohol.

I can hold myself accountable

Even when it seems insurmountable.

I can run and I can jog.

I can scribble on this blog.

I can snack on a banana.

You can leave a comment (if you wanna).

Monday, January 6, 2014

On that Midnight Train to Gorge-Ya

Man, I hate to talk about setbacks and regaining weight…

Just the same way I lost it, I gained it back a little at a time knowing that I was losing small skirmishes and then looking up and realizing I was losing the bigger battle.

Just for the record, eating more and exercising less is a can’t-fail method for weight gaining (unless you’re one of those people I run across from time to time who actually have trouble gaining weight; to those folks, please accept this message in the spirit it was intended:  YOU SUCK!).

Anyway, I’m apparently regressing from well-crafted and entertaining blog content to whatever the hell this is, but it’ll have to do until I get this choo-choo train back on track.


Sunday, January 5, 2014

I Finally See the Error of My Weighs

So, I found my scale.

Somebody had wrapped it in a bath towel and put it in a used pizza box, then stuck the pizza box in a slightly bigger used pizza box, then put that pizza box inside… okay, let’s just say there were several more pizza boxes culminating in a jumbo, super-sized monster pizza box. 

Anyway, somebody had hidden the scale inside endless pizza boxes and then buried them in the backyard by the compost pile (which, inexplicably, was also filled with pizza boxes).

So anyway…

I found my scale, took a deep breath, tried to remember whether it was luckier to step on it left foot first or right foot first… and then tentatively stepped on (left foot first) and…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (should have gone with right foot first, I suppose).

  • Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs
  • Current weight: 269.7 (oh hell… let’s just call it 270)
  • Loss: (watch this space)
  • Goal for coming week: Do opposite of everything I’ve been doing recently

Friday, January 3, 2014

Good News for My Fitness Journey...

They finally fixed the stairs at my office building.

Now, they not only work when you go down, but they also work when you go up!

This could change everything!

Thursday, January 2, 2014


Scientists believe that S.A.D. (Scale Avoidance Disorder) is caused by somebody not wanting to know how much they weigh. I don’t know if I agree with that, but I do know that lately… ummm… I haven’t really wanted to know how much I weigh.

Maybe it’s because my wife Anita inexplicably switched to a laundry detergent that has made all my britches shrink up.

Maybe it’s because my new favorite workout has been 20 minutes on the stationary treadmill (you hardly break a sweat!).

Maybe it’s that marketers unfairly targeted me during the holiday season. DON’T THEY KNOW ABOUT MY LOVE OF ALL THINGS FLAVORED WITH EGGNOG, GINGERBREAD and/or PUMPKIN SPICE??????????????

Maybe it’s because this site has somehow changed from a weight-loss chronicle to the guy who warms up the comedy club crowd for the guy who warms up the opening act. 

I’m planning some big changes around here (and no… I’m not converting this blog into a massive Ponzi scheme; I spent $99 on an e-book titled “HOW TO CONVERT YOUR BLOG INTO A MASSIVE PONZI SCHEME” but it never turned up...).

Watch this space while I go try to find my scale….

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Starting Tomorrow…

Starting tomorrow, I plan on putting a little more “work” into my “workout”.

Starting tomorrow, I plan on taking a little more “et” out of my “diet” (as in, “I just et an entire bag of tater chips”).

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to make some adjustments in my routine and re-focus on making more healthy choices throughout the day.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start using this blog a little more as a tool to guide me toward accountability and better health.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to quit making excuses and start making plans.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to be better.

Starting tomorrow.

Are you ready? I’m going to go ahead and BLOW YOUR MIND.

I wrote this yesterday.

Game on. 


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