Friday, October 30, 2015

Did Somebody Say "Green Monster"?

I was piddling in the kitchen early one morn,
When from my blender, a new concoction was born.
I mixed spinach and fruit, from my supplies,
And suddenly to my surprise…

I made a smoothie.
I made a Green Monster smoothie.
A monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
I made a smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
I made a smoothie.
I made a Green Monster smoothie.

From their bedrooms right up the stairs,
All my kids rushed down to get theirs’.
Cuz this beat any smoothie that they mighta fixed.
They came to get a jolt from my VitaMix.

They drank my smoothie.
They drank my Green Monster smoothie.
My monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
They stole my smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
They drank my smoothie.
They drank my Green Monster smoothie.

I whipped up one more batch.
Was ready to drink it down the hatch.
But suddenly my wife Anita,
Snatched it before I see’d her.
The scene was rockin', all were digging the taste,
Suckin’ on straws, not a drop to waste.
The glasses were piled up in the sink.
The whole family chanting, “We love this drink.”

They love my smoothie.
They love my Green Monster smoothie.
My monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
They love my smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
They love my smoothie.
They love my Monster smoothie.

Now my family they had had their fill,
So I made one more smoothie still.
I turned my head and said “Sumb*tch!”
“Whatever happened to my smoothie filled with spinach?”

Who took my smoothie?
Who took my Green Monster smoothie?
My monster smoothie.
It was an emerald beauty.
Who took my smoothie?
It was all green and fruity.
Who took my smoothie?
Who took my monster smoothie?

It turns out that I began my celebration prematurely,
Cuz my smoothie was taken by my own mother Shirley.
The recipe’s below, but give credit where credit is due.
When they ask where it came from, tell ‘em Jack Sh*t sent it to you.

You can make my smoothie.
You can make my Green Monster smoothie.
My monster smoothie.
It is an emerald beauty.
You can make my smoothie.
It was all green and fruity.
You can make my smoothie.
You can make my monster smoothie.
And have my monster smoothie.



2 large handfuls fresh spinach
1 large frozen banana, cut into chunks
1 T almond butter
1 c Almond Breeze or soymilk
1 T unsweetened cocoa powder (optional)
6 ice cubes


Place spinach and milk in blender. Start on low and move up to high. Add almond butter, cocoa powder and banana and blend on medium, shifting to high when it starts to come together. Add ice cubes and pulse a few times, then blending until thick.


Number of Servings: 1

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


The following list contains items that can definitely be considered Not Safe For Work…

• Gallon jug of raspberry sno-cone syrup on desk
• Personal assistant that feeds you onion rings with ketchup while you do paperwork
• Hourly pizza break
• Combination cotton candy/copy machine
• Bottom desk drawer filled with movie theater popcorn
• Starting staff meeting with hot dog-eating contest
• Chocolate fountain in lobby
• Laundry basket filled with peanut M&M’s
• Keeping coffee carafe filled with hot rotel dip
• George Foreman grill in bathroom stall for quick bacon frying
• Recliner in elevator so you don’t have to sit during long trip between floors
• Reading glasses made from two glazed donuts

• Software on your computer that blocks every site except Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

Monday, October 26, 2015

Official JSGF Price Sheet

If you're interested in me endorsing your product, service or company, please refer to this handy price sheet...

10-second audio clip of me burping your product’s name: $5

Me mentioning your product or service in a tweet: One half penny

Video of me romantically slow-dancing with your product: $75

Product haiku: $10 per syllable

Me loving your product forever and ever: $50

A photo of me pretending to take a whiz on your competitor’s logo: $25

Video testimonial of me yodeling a special yodel dedicated to you and you alone: $150

Me getting your brand’s logo tattooed on my buttocks: $500

Me doing a 15-min podcast talking about your product or service: $250, plus you showing me how to make a podcast

Me wearing a tuxedo, top hat and monocle, then going to the mall and mentioning your product with an English accent: $200 plus tuxedo and monocle rental

Me reviewing your product on a blog post: $100

Me reviewing your product and giving it ONE MILLION STARS:  Listen, I don’t sell my integrity like that (I’m kidding… I give every product ONE MILLION STARS)

Me never ever mentioning your brand on my blog, FB or twitter feed: $10,000

Friday, October 23, 2015

How to Get Kicked Out of a Weight Watchers Meeting

  • Loudly challenge everyone in the room to a caramel apple-eating contest
  • Wear a Sumo wrestling outfit to meeting
  • Bring a more forgiving scale and offering “second opinion” weigh-ins for $5
  • Stand on your chair and sing “I Like Big Butts” at the top of your lungs
  • Pick a fight with somebody because she’s sitting in your “lucky chair”
  • Clean your gun during meeting
  • Scream “I’M SO DAMN HUNGRY” every five minutes
  • Wear pants made out of fruit leather
  • Take bets during weigh-ins
  • Try to organize a séance during meeting
  • Loudly repeat every single word the leader says
  • Repaint the wall because you claim the wall color is responsible for your recent weight gain
  • Wheel in a wagon filled with steaming hot taco meat
  • Excessive public flossing
  • Spend entire meeting making elaborate candy corn sculptures
  • Dress up like a giant Gummi Bear and prance around the room during meeting
  • Try to sign people up to your knock-off weight loss program “Weight Watchpersons” at a booth in the restroom
  • Try to hook up your own hammock to sit in
  • Insist on weighing in nude

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Recipe for Failure

Monday's meal is full of fat.
Tuesday's meal is more of that.
Wednesdays meal is indefensible.
Thursday’s meal much more sensible.
Friday's meal is 1500 calories at most.
Saturday’s meal is melba toast.
And then it comes down to weigh-in day…
Why didn’t I lose weight today?

Monday, October 19, 2015

Bye Bye, Landline

After over fifty years on this earth, I no longer have a landline in my home.

Goodbye, telemarketers calling during dinner.

Goodbye, college that I paid too much money to calling and begging for money.

Goodbye, nice young lady who just wants a few minutes of my time to answer a survey.

Goodbye, foreign-sounding guy who can save me a ton on my credit card bills but needs my credit number before doing so.

Goodbye, cordless phone receivers that hide throughout my house.

Goodbye, cordless phone receivers that, when I do find them, have no charge left.

Goodbye, vintage black rotary-dial kitchen phone that gives you a finger blister if you try to make a long-distance call.

Goodbye, wrong numbers that hang up without apologizing.

Goodbye, noxious political robo-calls.

Goodbye, ability to satisfyingly slam down the receiver in a huff.

Goodbye, annoying ring that disturbs my naps and shortens my showers.

Goodbye, unknown callers who forever remain unknown.

Goodbye, answering machine that we turned off over a year ago.

Goodbye, last phone number I will ever know by heart.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

How to Tell If Your Lifestyle is Too Sedentary

Does wildlife often mistake you for a log?

At the gym, do you have to ask which direction to walk on the treadmill?

Did you lose your TV remote, so you’ve resigned yourself to watching one channel for the rest of your life?

Have you considered suing the mall because the escalator was out of order?

Have you ever dozed off between naps?

Do you ask strangers to tie your shoes for you when they come unlaced?

If you have to park in the back of a lot, do you call an Uber driver to pick you up and take you to the door?

Do you waste time reading really stupid blogs when you could have spent it exercising?

Enough fun and games.
Get moving!


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