Wednesday, June 26, 2013

You’re Gonna Like The Way You Look. I Guarantee It!

Jack: Hello, Mr. Zimmer.

George: Call me George, Jack.

Jack: Ummmm, call me Mister Sh*t, George. This is a job interview after all.

George: Uh, then why are we in a car, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: Okay, don’t call me Mister Sh*t. That’s my dad. Go back to calling me “Jack”.

George: Why are we in a car for a job interview, Jack?

Jack: I’m on my way to the gym for my lunchtime workout, George. I’m a multi-tasker!

George: I see.

Jack: Why don’t you tell me why you got canned from The Men’s Wearhouse.

Well, over the last 40 years, I built The Men’s Wearhouse into a multi-billion dollar company with amazing employees and loyal customers who value the products and service. However, instead of fostering the kind of dialogue in the boardroom that has, in part, contributed to our success, the board inappropriately chose to silence my concerns by terminating me as an executive officer.

Jack: No, really. Did they catch you stealing suits?

George: What?

Jack: You’re pretty good on those TV commercials by the way. Well, I actually like your other commercials better. You know, the ones where you go, “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer blah blah blah.” Those are great!

George: You told me this interview was to be involved with a regional men’s clothing company.

Jack: Well, that may have been an overstatement…

George: So what’s this job you contacted me about?

Jack: You see, I thought you could walk around behind me while I work out and say “You’re gonna like the way you look, Jack. I guarantee it!”

George: Pull over.

Jack: Now you haven’t heard about all the benefits. Okay, there’s no ‘benefit’ benefits but…  hey! At least let me slow down if you’re gonna jump outta the car!

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Wonderful Thing About Fitness

The wonderful thing about Fitness

Is fitness is a wonderful thing!
Your meals are filled fulla veggies.

There’s “zing” in your “exercizing.”

You’re striving, thriving, life re-reviving
Fit, fit, fit, fit, fit!

But the most wonderful thing about fitness is

We can all do it!

Fitters are eaters of lettuce.

Fitters are fast on their feet.
Workouts are always so zealous;
Squat and repeat... and repeat.

The wonderful thing about Fitness

Is fitness is good for your soul!

You’re loaded with vim and with vigor.

It’ll make you feel wholesome and whole.

Not dumpy, plumpy, like Donald Trumpy
Fit, fit, fit, fit, fit! 

Yes, the most wonderful thing about fitness is

We can all do it!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee can all do it!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I’m Healthy and I Know It

Yeah, yeah

Useta be whenever I sat,
Girls be looking like “Damn, he fat!”
Too plump to be pimp,
Walkin’ with a limp eatin’ Endless Shrimp, yeah.

This was how I roll,
Sweatpants to work,
Weight outta control,

Muscle definition of Pillsbury dough
Til I finally said, “Jack, it’s time to go!”

Ah... don’t look at my body.
Ah... don’t look at my body.
I said, don’t look at my body.

Ah... should work out.

Ah... don’t look at my body.
It’s a terrible body.
Ah… don’t look at my body.

Ah... should work out.

So I look in the mirror (yeah)
This is what I see (okay)
Could be the poster child for morbid obesity.
Too much junk in my trunk, think it’s time to stow it, stow it, stow it, stow it.

Unhealthy and I know it.
Unhealthy and I know it.


Now hittin’ the gymnasium,
Try to get muscles more like titanium

And when I’m at the table, try to eat healthy as I am able. 

Workin’ hard to rid the rolls,
Only way I know to hit my goals.
Run five K? I can do it with one toe.
Hello friends, (flexing) welcome to the gun show! (watch)

Ah... yo look at that body.
Slightly improved my body.
Ah… yo look at my body.

Ah... I work out
Ah... Girl, look at my body.
Ummm… I’m getting slightly uncomfortable.
Oh well, look at my body.
I work out.

Now I look at myself (yeah) and this is what I see.
Still a work in project but I still believe in me.
This may be my last chance and I can’t afford to blow it, blow it, blow it, blow it.

I'm healthy and I know it.
I'm healthy and I know it...

Gotta little less 

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle yeah 

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle yeah, yeah
Lose the jiggle, man

Not so much jiggle, man


I'm healthy and I know it.

Ah... Girl, look at that body.

Ah... I work out
Ah... Girl look at that body.

Ah... still work out.

Yeah, I'm healthy and I know it!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Stream of Unconsciousness

My buddy Carla Mizfit (actual name: Carla Mizfitstein) challenged me on Twitter to do a stream of consciousness blog post, just talking out my random thoughts and observations while out on a walk. Well, she didn't actually challenge me. Okay, okay... I'm just stealing her idea; give me a freakin' break!

One of the problems I'm having with blogging these days is that the 15 minutes I spend crafting a post really eats into my exercise time.

So I'm just going to take a walk with my trusty iPhone and dictate the health thoughts that pop into my brain while exercising.

Look a squirrel! You know, squirrels stay fit by eating lots of nuts, climbing trees and running away when approached by strangers.

Actually, that squirrel looks kind of fat. Okay, nix that. Don't eat nuts, stay out of trees and give strangers gentle but gracious hugs.

Look at that young man mowing my neighbors lawn. What a great way to get fit while doing something productive. I wonder how much he would charge me to cut my grass?

Well, walks over and so is this blog post. Who says you can't do two things at one time? Actually, I say it all the time. No, Anita. I can't fold dish towels while watching TV; it's too complicated!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

More Healthy Father’s Day Gift Ideas

• Wallet made of fruit leather

• Universal remote that doesn’t work so he has to get up and change channel himself

• Conversion kit that turns his favorite recliner into an elliptical

• Salt shaker that doesn’t allow more than three grains of salt to come out per minute

• Two-for-one colonoscopy coupon

• Hammock installed at top of tree so he gets exercise climbing

• Manual weedwhacker that works by simply spinning it around really, really fast

• 5K through every Civil War battlefield

• Deer-antler helmet to wear hunting (encourages lots of movement)

• Set of wheatgrass shot glasses

• Siphon almost all gas from his car so he winds up getting healthy walk in

• Subscription to Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

 Need more ideas?

Monday, June 10, 2013


This is the day.
Hop on the scale,
See what I weigh.
Feel gravity pull me down.
See a number that makes me frown.
For this is the day

I've bought and bit this donut.
So overweight, yes I so am,

Weigh-in day,
I'm swollen.

Let my diet fail,
Watched me stumble
I will start back
And make sure
I do better.
Not let my diet fail,
When I stumble
I will stand up
And do better

At diet fail.

At diet fail.

Diet-fail don’t mean you quit.
A thousand times you recommit
To meals more smart and days more fit.
You may make a mistake. You may go off track.
But that doesn’t mean Jack Sh*t.

Let the diet fail,
When we stumble.

We will start back

And make sure we do better.

After the diet fail,
When we stumble
We will stand tall
And we will all do better
After diet fail.

Let the diet fail,
When we stumble,
We’ll start over.

Let the diet fail,
When we stumble,
We’ll start over.

Watch what I do
Watch what I eat.
I want to be the best me
Without the obesity
Is this too-large mass
Staying on my ass? 

Keep reading my blog and we'll see


Don’t let the diet fail, 

We won’t stumble
We will stand tall

And we will all do better
Not let the diet fail, 

Watch it crumble
We will stand tall

And we will all do better

After diet fail


Let the diet fail.

We will start over

After diet fail


Thursday, June 6, 2013


I’ve been working on my ventriloquism act, and I’m getting pretty good except for the fact that I’m still having trouble with my lips moving whenever I make the doll talk (how do they DO that?).

Anyway, since my act isn’t ready for live performances (because of the lip-moving), I thought I’d share the rest of it with you…

JACK: Hey, Howie. How ya doing doing on your diet?

HOWIE DOODY: Well, I gotta tell ya, Jack. It’s tough.

JACK: Because you’re hungry all the time?

HOWIE DOODY: No, because I’m a freakin’ puppet, you stupid sonofab*tch!

JACK: Yeah, I know how you feel. The long slog of dieting can really get under your skin.

HOWIE DOODY: Are your ears even more worthless than mine, broccoli-for-brains? I tell ya, I’m just a doll. I can’t lose weight without using power tools on myself.

JACK: I hear ya. Y’know, maybe you should think about what you can add to your diet, not what you should take away. Start by focusing on getting the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and veggies each day.

HOWIE DOODY: Listen you overweight ocean of odoriferous octopus ooze… I don’t need your stupid “eat less and exercise more” advice.

JACK: It sounds like a lot, but it is well worth it, because at the same time you are meeting your fiber goals and feeling more satisfied from the volume of food.

HOWIE DOODY: You didn't fall out of the stupid tree. You got drug through dumbass forest.

JACK: And now, to illustrate the importance of staying hydrated, I’m going to drink this big glass of water while you entertain the audience with a medley of cowboy yodeling songs.

HOWIE DOODY: Will somebody please shoot me in the head and put me ouaaa * gasp * gurgle * gahh * glug * guggle * glaaaaa…

Monday, June 3, 2013

Even More Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

“Nurse! Come see how fat this patient is!”

“I’m going to give you a prescription for something that will make all food taste like celery.”

“Your cholesterol levels are bad, but I’m especially worried about your pudding levels.”

“You see this spot on the x-ray; that’s blue cheese dressing. Haven’t we talked about you not bringing a bucket of wings to your appointment?”

“Do I think you’re going to die soon? I can’t believe you’ve hung around this long!”

“I’m going to send you to a specialist in cheese addiction.”

“You see, when I hit your knee with my little hammer to check your reflexes, it’s not supposed to get stuck like that.”

“No, I won’t trade you a urine sample for a frozen custard.”

“Well, there’s at least one piece of good news: your case is going to allow me to buy my wife a new BMW convertible.”

“Wow, you’re in even worse shape than that Jack Sh*t fellow I saw this morning…”


Related Posts with Thumbnails