Anyway, since my act isn’t ready for live performances (because of the lip-moving), I thought I’d share the rest of it with you…
JACK: Hey, Howie. How ya doing doing on your diet?
HOWIE DOODY: Well, I gotta tell ya, Jack. It’s tough.
JACK: Because you’re hungry all the time?
HOWIE DOODY: No, because I’m a freakin’ puppet, you stupid sonofab*tch!
JACK: Yeah, I know how you feel. The long slog of dieting can really get under your skin.
HOWIE DOODY: Are your ears even more worthless than mine, broccoli-for-brains? I tell ya, I’m just a doll. I can’t lose weight without using power tools on myself.
JACK: I hear ya. Y’know, maybe you should think about what you can add to your diet, not what you should take away. Start by focusing on getting the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and veggies each day.
HOWIE DOODY: Listen you overweight ocean of odoriferous octopus ooze… I don’t need your stupid “eat less and exercise more” advice.
JACK: It sounds like a lot, but it is well worth it, because at the same time you are meeting your fiber goals and feeling more satisfied from the volume of food.
HOWIE DOODY: You didn't fall out of the stupid tree. You got drug through dumbass forest.
JACK: And now, to illustrate the importance of staying hydrated, I’m going to drink this big glass of water while you entertain the audience with a medley of cowboy yodeling songs.
HOWIE DOODY: Will somebody please shoot me in the head and put me ouaaa * gasp * gurgle * gahh * glug * guggle * glaaaaa…