Monday, September 30, 2013

My Oh My My MRI

Okay, so I hurt my shoulder.

How? You ask.

I’m not exactly sure, to tell you the truth.

Maybe I dove into a rushing river to save a drowning baby. 

Maybe I ran into a burning building and lifted a giant armoire in order to save a drowning baby.

Maybe I slept on it wrong.

Anyway, I went to the doctor after a couple of weeks of nagging pain. He took x-rays which confirmed what we both thought:  that I have bones underneath my skin.

“We need to do an MRI,” he told me.

So we scheduled the procedure and I showed up bright and early, excited about the prospect of being shoved into a tube only a quarter-of-an-inch bigger than I am. 

Usually when I’m stripped down to my socks and underwear, it means I’m in for an afternoon of watching football, but this morning it’s MRI funtime!

I’m mentally prepared for the claustrophobia and unnerving loudness (I laid down the day before with my head two feet from a railroad track to get ready for the noise), but I wasn’t ready for the nurse to twist my arm sideways and jam it forcibly against my side.

“How does that feel?” she chirped.

“Really, really uncomfortable,” I winced.

“Okay,” she smiled. “Just hold it like that for 20 minutes and we’ll be good to go.”

She placed a rubber bulb in my left hand and told me to squeeze it in case of an emergency. Thirty seconds later, the bulb feel out of my grasp just as I was getting ready to squeeze (due to fact that I was uncomfortable, angry and bored).

Fourteen hours later (maybe more), I emerged and was told I could get dressed and leave.

It was the worst thing I’d ever experienced.

Until I got the bill five minutes later.


Thursday, September 26, 2013

Blogging Bad

Bad Guy: Looks like you're about 1,000 gallons light here. Where's the juice? 

Jack: The methylamine isn't coming. But thanks for noticing that I’m a little lighter. I’ve really been exercising and eating right this wee… ummmm… this morning.

Bad Guy: What is this? And who the hell are you? 

Jack: I'm the man who's keeping fit.

Bad Guy: What the hell's this? We had an agreement, right? We got our deal. So where's the tank, Mike? 

Jack: Mike’s still ticked off because I emptied out all the methylamine and filled the tank with Smart Water. It tastes like water but it has electrolytes. You hear me, electrolytes! 

Bad Guy:  Why don't you just cut to what it is you want, or what you think is gonna happen here, all right? 'Cause we're gonna get what we came for.

Jack: Sure, that 1,000 gallons of methylamine is worth millions of dollars if you cook it into meth, but what I’m offering is world-class health and wellness information. But I need distribution.

Bad Guy: Distribution?

Jack: That’s right. So if you agree to give up cooking meth and sell my blog instead, I'll give you 35 percent of the take.

Bad Guy: Ummmm, you don’t charge anything for your blog content, dumbass.

Jack: Okay, fifty percent, but that’s my final offer! 

Bad Guy: You realize we have our own blog, right? 

Jack: I know all about your blog. My partners here tell me that you produce content that's 70% pure, if you're lucky. What I produce is 99.999999999999999999999 and a half percent pure.

Bad Guy: So? 

Jack: So it's a Shake Weight versus Lifetime Fitness. Yours is, uh, just some tepid, off-brand, generic no-calorie cola. What I'm making is Diet Coke.

Bad Guy: You know, a University of Texas Health Science Center study found that the more diet sodas a person drank, the greater their risk of becoming overweight. Downing just two or more cans a day increased waistlines by 500%. Artificial sweeteners can disrupt the body's natural ability to regulate calorie intake based on the sweetness of foods, suggested an animal study from Purdue University. That means people who consume diet foods might be more likely to overeat, because your body is being tricked into thinking it's eating sugar, and you crave more.

Jack: My partner tells me that your crew switched to parodying really popular TV shows because of our success. You do stupid health tips on Twitter and only update your Facebook page once every blue moon. You already ape my product at every turn. But now you have the opportunity to sell it yourself.

Bad Guy: I need you to listen to me.We're not gonna give up this deal to be your errand boys, do you understand? For what? To watch a bunch of blog readers get a laugh while learning about health and fitness? 

Jack: A little laughter means customers come back.A more interesting approach means a greater chance it’ll be shared. That's 130 million potential shares that aren’t being pissed away by some substandard content.

Bad Guy: Now you listen to me...
Jack: You've got the greatest weight loss blogger—well… at least in the top 500, and with my skills, you'll earn more from that 35% than you ever would after you get killed by that group of homicidal Nazis we passed on our way out here.

Bad Guy: Who the hell are ya?

Jack: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.

Bad Guy: Do what? I don't-- I don't have a damn clue who the hell you are.

Jack: Yeah, you do. I'm the blogger. I'm the man who interviewed Hungrygirl Lisa Lillien.

Bad Guy: Bullshit. Rachel Ray got Hungrygirl.

Jack: Are you sure? That's right. Now say my name.

Bad Guy: You’re… Heisenblog

Jack: You're g*ddamn right.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Fitter Sh*tter Man


You know technically,
I’m not even really supposed to parody Eminem songs,

But f*ck it.

Might as well do one more…

Ahh ah ah ah eh eh eh eh ehhh

Yeah, haha…

Feels good,


Guess I’m lucky,

Some of us never lose the weight.

But I ain’t blowing this one.

Naw man, haha,

Sh*t, I feel like I can do anything now…

Who can blog all types of insanity,
Watching Sean Hannity,
And rhyming elaborately, 
Still manage to find time for his family?

Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man.

Tryin’ jeans on my ass.
Extra wides, 

Grab the sides an yank em,
Aww sh*t, they don’t fit

Return ‘em to salesperson an’ thank ‘em.

Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man.

Standing on the scale,
I’m seeing I number that I can’t fathom.
Eatin’ spasm, cheese and Triscuits, 
Man, I just can’t have ‘em.

Gotta stop
Weight too great, climb up outta this chasm.
Time to take the meals I’m eatin’ and half ‘em. 

Gotta swap
Chunk the junk, haul the crappy vittles 
Down to the trash,
Cuz the slop I’m ploppin’ in up top’s 
Windin’ up on my ass
The time has passed for me to make this dirty diet my last.
Do it right, put up a fight.
Start eatin’ healthy dishes

No one ever died from eatin’ food that’s more nutritious.

Plus, it’s time to get goin’
Stop my big ass from growin’
Lil’ will power showin’
Start crowin’, keep goin’. 

Knowin’ there something I can do about it.
Zero in on the problem like a marksman,
The problem’s guess who?
I veered off course 
Took a wrong turn, then got lost, too.
Driving, starting, stopping, wound up past Timbuctu.

Now it’s time to pay the bill, and not eat so much fooooood!

Time to monitor the calories, maybe exercise, too.
Keep a blog, start to jog, 
Man, it’s time to break through
It’s tough to change, but I gotta, and frankly you could, too.
It’s time for me to lose these extra pounds.

How bout you?

Now guess who, who (hey),

Here’s a clue (hey),

He’s got an asterisk in his name,
And a big ass, too.
Fulla sass.
But losin’ mass (hey),

He’s here to last, he’s glad it’s Friday too,

Now what’s his name?

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Jack Sh*tter,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man.

If I had a time machine, I’d be pretty rich.

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man,
Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Gettin’ healthy is my time machine… so call me,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man,

Fitter Sh*tter man.

F*ck eatin’ pastries.
I don’t want ‘em.
All that sugar makes me go nuts.
Flip the box upside down and make it rain donuts.

Fitter Sh*tter man
Fitter Sh*tter man

Fitter Sh*tter man

Fitter Sh*tter man.

Rewound the future to the present,

Paused it don't ask how,

Past is present, salad-eater

I’m Jack Sh*t right now I’m…

Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man, 
Fitter Sh*tter man.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

How I Imagine a Miracle Diet Product Marketing Meeting Must Go

Big Boss: Research & Development has just invented a brand new miracle diet product!

Marketing Guy: Fantastic!

Marketing Gal: Stependous!

Jack: Fan…pendous!

Big Boss: Who the hell are you?

Jack: Me? I’m Jack. I’m a world-famous health and wellness blogger that you hired to help you more effectively reach your target market.

Big Boss: Really?

Jack: Well, I’m also your wife’s nephew…

Big Boss: That explains that. Anyway, R&D is ready to move forward with
Carcinia Gambogia.

Marketing Guy: Sounds  interesting.

Marketing Gal: Sounds intruiging.

Jack: Sounds… ummm… intertruiging.

Big Boss: Here’s the story: it comes from a small tree which grows in Southeast Asia. It’s picked by orphans and the extract is made from the fruit rind and contains 50% or more hydro-something-or-other acid. Mumbo-jumbo jingo-jango and we’re off to the races.

Marketing Guy: It’s incredibly fantastic.

Marketing Gal: It’s fantastically incredible.

Jack: It doesn’t work, does it?

Big Boss: You don’t understand how this process…

Jack: Oh, I think I understand it pretty well. You work out some Ponzi twitter scheme where people auto DM a message like, “I've lost 5 lbs this week using garcinia, try it for free.”

Marketing Guy: That could work.

Marketing Gal: That could definitely work.

Jack: You snatch some before-and-after photos off the internet from people who have worked really hard to lose weight and you say that your miracle product was responsible.

Marketing Guy: This guy’s good.

Marketing Gal: Really good.

Jack: You spam people’s email inboxes with too-good-to-be-true claims and offers because spamming is virtually free, nobody can stop you and you only need a microscopic return in order to be profitable.

Marketing Guy: I’m on board.

Marketing Gal: When can we start?

Jack: And then six months from now when everyone realizes what a waste it is, you change the product or just the name and start all over again. 

Marketing Guy: That is beautiful.

Marketing Gal: I think I’m going to cry.

Jack: Look… I don’t have all the answers. Hell, I’m not even sure I understand the questions… but aren’t we better than this? Shouldn’t we strive to honestly help people find their way?


Jack: I think I’m gonna leave now…

Big Boss: Take a free sample on your way out! IT’S 1000% GUARANTEED!

Marketing Guy: Amazing!

Marketing Gal: Outstanding!

Jack: *sigh*

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Oh, The Changes You Can Change!

Oh, the changes you can change...

You can change up your diet.
That’s what you can do.
You can start eating fruit,
And more vegetables, too…

You can change your outlook.
Short term or long range.
You can change up how you think.
Oh, the CHANGES you can change!

Oh, the CHANGES you can change up
If only you try!
If you try,
You’ll find your only limit’s the sky.

And if you don’t like your bigness.
You can change up your fitness.
Change it. Change it. Step up and change it.
Fix it. Flex it. Go ahead and rearrange it.
If you don’t like where life is going,
Then change it.

You can change without paying.
You can change without aching.
You can change your whole world,
If you know what I’m saying

You can change just like
Jackie MacFranklin O'Sh*t
Who blogs his adventures while
Getting more fit.

Change up your workouts.
Change up what you eat.
Change up your sofa;
Install an Ejector Seat.

You can change up your Nights,
Spend some time getting organized.
Then maybe your mornings
Won’t be quite so traumatized.

You can change up your Day,
A day of succeeding
A day of good choices,
Instead of overeating.

Change! Change and triumph.
Triumph and change.
This is your time!
Step up on the stage!

You can wonder…
How long ‘til I make myself strong?

There are so many CHANGES that a Changer can change!
This could be the beginning of a new Golden Age!

And what would you do if you met a New You?

Oh, the CHANGES you can change!

Change left and change right
And change low and change high
Oh the CHANGES you can change up
If only you try!

More Dr. Seuss/Jack Sh*t combos? 
Check out herehereherehere and here. Oh yeah, and here.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Low-Tech Health

• Instead of an expensive heart rate monitor, simply make best friends with a nurse you'll check your numbers whenever you ask.

• Instead of buying a home treadmill, install a sidewalk that goes all around your neighborhood.

• Instead of buying expensive running shoes, simply try on some expensive running shoes and "accidentally" walk out wearing them (better be prepared to try those suckers out soon depending on alertness of security guard).

• Instead of purchasing an expensive juicer, try beating the hell out of whatever you want to juice with a heavy mallet.

• Instead of taking a Segway around the running track, try running on your own two legs.

• Instead of buying expensive bicycling suit that makes you look ridiculous, simply cover your body with fluorescent spray paint in ridiculous design.

• Instead of purchasing a water bottle, try filling a bottle with water.

• Instead of joining a fitness center, make your entire world the center of fitness.

Instead of buying fresh, organic fruits and vegetables, try having a generous friend with a garden full of fresh, • organic fruits and vegetables

• Instead of buying expensive Greek yogurt, try Greeking up some regular yogurt.

• Instead of reading my blog on the Internet, sign up for Jumpin' Jack's Health Facts Fax.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Ultimate Guide to Eating Healthy at the Fair

So it was time for my annual outing to take my daughter Pisa and her pals to the fair. Since she's a "give-me-$$$-and-leave-me-alone-teenager" now, I thought I'd use my free time to explore what healthy eating options the fair has to offer...

Now this is going to come as somewhat of a shock to you, but most of the concession stand workers at the fair can't provide reliable calorie counts for what they're peddling. Luckily, there's a simple solution: just print out this post, shrink it down somehow, laminate it and carry it around with you at all times.

Fried Twinkie
425 calories,  34 g fat
More healthy option: Baked Twinkie - 150 calories.

Hog on a Log (bacon-wrapped corn dog)
361 calories, 26 g  fat
More healthy option: Banana on a Bandana - 73 calories

Frozen Cheesecake on a Stick
180 calories, 10 g fat
More healthy option: String cheese on a string - 80 calories

Blooming Onion
1320 calories, 72 g fat
More healthy option: Anything


Deep Fried Snickers Bar
444 calories, 29 g fat
More healthy option: One Hershey's Kiss - 29 calories

Chili Cheese Fries
670 calories, 46 g fat (9 oz)
More healthy option: Eating your own poo

Chocolate-Dipped Twinkie on a Stick
392 calories, 18 g fat
More healthy option: Chocolate-Dipped Stick - 33 calories

Elephant Ears/Funnelcake
760 calories, 44 g fat
More healthy option: Real elephant ear (baked), 125 calories

Turkey Leg
1,136 calories, 54 g fat
More healthy option: Turkey Jerky - 80 calories

Deep Fried Pickles
174 calories, 4 g fat (per pickle)
More healthy option: Duh... regular pickle - 5 calories.

Fried Oreo
232 calories, 14 g fat 
More healthy option: Fried celery sticks - waitaminute... you can fry celery sticks?

Fried Mac-N-Cheese
1528 calories, 65 g fat
More healthy option: One hamperful of raw almonds - 26, 220 calories.
Even healthier option: One handful of raw almonds - 164 calories 

Can of cold, refreshing beer
135 calories
More healthy option: Gimme a break! I'm at the fair! 

Hand Sanitizer
0 calories, 0 g fat
Eat all you want!

So there you go! Have a rockin' good time at the fair,
but just keep in mind that somewhere there's a scale with your name on it...

Note: Calorie and fat counts were done using a combination of internet research and a scientific process known as "guesstimation". Your mileage may vary.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Non-Stop Health Tips!

• Sprinkle freshly-grated lemon rind over hot popcorn instead of melted butter, parmesan cheese, rotel dip, garlic salt and caramel sauce.

• Want to bike to work without getting all sweaty? Try going really, really, really, really slow.

• Eat twice as often, eat half as much and chew twice as long. Or eat half as often, twice as much and… oh, forget it; YOU NEVER LISTEN TO A WORD I BLOG.
• Studies show that petting a dog elevates your mood enough so that it’s possible to put up with your house smelling “doggy”.

• You can get kids interested in going to the farmer’s market by promising to let them ride the ferris wheel all they want. When they see there’s no rides, just say “Hmmmmm, that’s odd.”

• You can freeze your own fruits and vegetables by putting them in the freezer, dumbass.

• Almond milk is a healthy alternative to dairy, but just buy it in the store; don’t go trying to milk your own almonds. It’s just not worth it.

• The past has passed! When it comes to health, stop worrying about what you did last week, or yesterday or when you first started reading this tweet.

• I have three rules: #1 Never quit. #2 Always remember rule # 1. #3 Don’t make any more rules than absolutely necessary.


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