Thursday, June 24, 2010

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose


Congratulations!
You’re well on your way.
On the road to your Goal Weight!
You’re a loser, I say!

You have your head in the game,
And gusto in your gut.
You have made the decision
To work off your butt.
You know what to do. And you know that you know.
And YOU are the person who’ll make those pounds go.

You'll look up and down menus. What care you’ll be takin’.
You will order the salad, not a cheeseburger with bacon.
With your head in the game and your guts full of gusto,
You’ll take this journey down the path that it must go.

And you may find exercise
Will help manage your stress.
Will amp up your energy
And make you weigh less.

It's easier now
You are movin’ and groovin’.

Others can do this
And frequently do.
They’re getting it done
You CAN do it, too

And soon things’ll start happenin’
If you keep doing well.
You’ll see good results
When you hop on the scale.

OH!
THE WEIGHT YOU WILL LOSE!

You'll be on your way down!
You'll be wearing new clothes!
You'll join all the others
who reach for new lows.

Your behind will not lag, you’ll be feelin’ less flabby
You’ll find yourself thinkin’, “Hey, this ain’t too shabby.”
Whenever you weigh, you'll feel like the boss
Whenever you weigh, you will show a big loss.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say it
But I’m just being real.
Yes, bad snacks
And Set-backs
Are part of the deal.

So you may find there’re days
When your ass will be draggin’.
In that case, of course,
You will fall Off the Wagon.

You may head off to Lunch
With a plan not to stray
Then eat your weight in shrimp
At a Seafood Buffet.

And while off the Wagon
You can gain back a ton.
And re-wagoning one's self
Is not easily done.

You may come to a place where you want to give in.
Where you think you’ll just live with your big double chin.
A place you’ll know that you’ll never know peace!
You don’t want to diet. You don’t want to increase.
How long can you live while you’re living obese?

And IF you give in, should you just try to forget it...
Forget that you tried once and just didn’t did it?
You couldn’t succeed, though you really did strive to?
Now you need something else to revive you.
Do you truly think you’ll find it there at the drive-thru?

You can get so down and out
That your heart will start racing,
And you’ll wonder if it’s a heart attack that you’re facing.
If not, you’ll continue to feed your fat face,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Weighting Place...

...for people just weighting.
Waiting for a flash of light.
Waiting until the time is right.
Til’ your job eases up or the kids are grown
Or until you don’t feel so all alone.
Waiting around ‘til it’s just about too late
And piling more and more food on your plate.
And you’re starting to lose it.

Losing your will to start making a stand.
Losing your ability to do what you’ve planned.
Sitting there watching your waistband expand.
Or losing, perhaps, a big part of your future
Just begging for food like some beggy moocher.
Losing yourself, though that sounds kind of strange
Losing a chance that you can make a Change.
Everyone is just losing it.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you will do it
The only losing you’ll observe
Is when you step on that scale
For the loss you deserve.

With your spirit still soaring,
Once more weight’ll be dropping.
There’s nothing that’ll stop you.
For you there’s no stopping!

Oh, the weight you will lose! There are goals to be met.
There is work to be done. There’s still sweat you can sweat.
And you will do great in your quest to be small.
Why, you’ll be the losingest-est loser of all.
Success! You’ll be as fit as a fiddle
With a whole lot less mess stuck ‘round your middle.

Except when you fail
And things don't go so well.

I'm afraid that some weigh-ins
Will show a big gain.
And you’ll feel that this whole
Rigamarole is in vain.

Big and fat!
Whether you like it or not,
You’ll feel that you’ll never
Lose diddly-squat.

It’s so frustrating, but there's a very good chance
That you’ll one day be wearing your not-so-fat pants.
There is no reason at all this weight has to haunt you.
All it will take is some will and some want-to.

And so on you will go
Though your stomach will growl.
On you will go
You won't throw in the towel!
On you will go
And it’s time to go now.
Downward you’ll go
Past milestones and goals.
We’re losing our backsides
And saving our souls.

On and on you will go,
And I know you’ll achieve it.
All it takes is a plan
And that you really believe it.

You'll have bad days, of course,
As you already know.
You'll stumble and struggle
You’ll stub your fat toe.
But you’ll get to your feet
And you’ll get back on track.
And if you don’t believe that
Then you don’t know Jack.
Just never forget the advice that I’m giving
Get fit and enjoy this life that you’re living.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(100 and 27 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL LOSE TONS!

So...
Be your name Julia Goulia or the fitness wonder twins.
Fitarella, Kristen, Roni or my other good friends.
You're off on a Great Journey!
Today is your day, friend!
Your new life is waiting.
So...have a great weigh-in!

40 comments:

  1. Jack....... of all your parodies you have done.... This one has to be your best!!!!! I swear I read it twice. I had to copy and paste it and print it out!!!

    Thank you, thank you for such an inspirational poem. It couldn't have came at a better time!

    I had a bad morning and was feeling anxious. I walk every morning and night with my Lab dog. This morning she lost what little brains she had and decided to drag me across the yard (one of the side effects of losing weight I guess) and tackle a lady riding by on a very expensive racing bike. After getting cursed out, the dog slipping her collar, the dog dragging her $1600 bike across the pavement, I was so shook up that I gave up and came back inside and cried. I didn't get my walk in, and was considering just holing up in the house and skipping the gym today.

    Your poem has helped me refocus on what I am doing this for, and I am now going to head out and get a gentle leader collar so that this won't happen to me again!

    Thanks Jack!

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  2. That took some effort! I agree, that's one to print out and reread often! Thanks!

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  3. Awww I LOVED this book when I was a kid. In fact, I try to read it my students but usually get so choked up someone else has to finish it LOL!

    Lovely parody as usual! Happy Thursday :)

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  4. I'm curious...how long does it take you to come up with these posts? Another brilliant one as usual.

    PS you need to publish a book of all these types of posts!

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  5. 100 and 27 percent guaranteed? I can't pass that up, I'm in!

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  6. That was great and inspiring.

    (And I thought my family were the only ones who use the expression "diddly squat.") :)

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  7. that is my MOST fav. Dr. Seuss book. I read it to my college kids everytime when they leave to go back home after studying abroad here.

    sidenote: I still challenge you to a poetry slam

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  8. Dr. Suess/Dr. Jack Sh*t Getting Fit...thank you for this post...My Fav Dr. Suess book...I have copies...but, I love your play on this one..I am printing it out, and framing it! A man of many talents! Thanks for sharing your wit, humor...etc..

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  9. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this made me cry but it did. Indeed, how long can you live while you're living obese?

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  10. This was the greatest thing ever. You just won like 5 internets, sir!

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  11. LOVED THIS, Jack!!! Thank you!

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  12. Had a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE day yesterday food-wise, and went to bed feeling so defeated. Thanks for this fun, honest poem and for your picture post yesterday ~ they both it home.

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  13. Amazing to me how your brain works - and that you are consistently creative. You should be a motivational speaker

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  14. Oh the places you'll go... My all time fav:) thank you Jack:)

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  15. Thank you again. Thank you every day, every post, every word.

    you keep my motivation up!

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  16. Thanks for the reminder that weight loss can be as simple as Dr. Suess. Eat less move more, lose weight.

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  17. LOVE. IT. Had to send your blog link to my mom, sister, mom&sister-in-law's & a couple of friends b/c i knew they'd appreciate it. Thank you!! :)

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  18. I can't tell you how much I love this post!

    Firstly, as many others have already said, Oh, The Places You'll Go is my ALL TIME Favorite Suess book.

    This may be my ALL TIME Favorite Jack Sh*t post. Ever.

    Really.

    -jafg

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  19. This is going on my motivation wall. So amazing and made me cry just like the real book does!

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  20. I so wish I had this post to read about a year ago. I did lose 45 of my 50 lbs goal and feel off the wagon. I have just now started to climb back down, but this puts a lot of things into perspective. Thank you for the bests post today.

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  21. UH... do you work?

    WeighDownSouth.com

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  22. Oh so important a message in the fun!!!!!

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  23. Oh awesome- Do you sleep? That must have taken forever. Awesome work!

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  24. Just came back to read it again.

    Cheers!

    -jafg

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  25. One of my favorites from ol' Dr.Suess
    Here's hoping my pants
    Get a little loose
    So, thank you Jack --
    you're such a good sh*t
    for inspiring me
    to make my skirt not fit
    I love what you are doing
    right here in your blog
    I love it so much
    I may start to jog!
    Keep up the good work
    You dirty talking Joe
    I would like to thing
    You're our Big Blogging Bro.

    : )

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  26. typo--I meant to say, I would like to think
    you're our Big Blogging Bro. :P

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  27. I love Dr. Seuss and this is a good twist :)
    Thanks Jack!!

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  28. What an awesome post. It's so cool to see our community getting together and confronting our weight loss issues.

    We have all made so much progress in the last year. Thanks to this blog, I've made serious adjustments to my exercise routine.

    Thanks to www.TheDietSolutionProgram.com, I've managed to stop dieting and start eating naturally.

    I've lost over 75 pounds thanks to you guys and that site above.

    Thank you!!!!!!

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  29. I LOVE this Dr.Seuss book...I always read it when I'm feeling down about my path in life etc... but never thought about it in terms of weight loss, absolutely freakin' fantastic!

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  30. amazing words!.. it helps people to encourage them to do best in their work. good luck and keep it up!

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