Saturday, June 26, 2010

A Frank & Honest Discussion About You-Know-What

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where the motto is "out with the old, in with the old!" I sat on this post for a bit after writing it and wound up sending it out into the world via guest post at another site. I had some silly notion that my readers would be offended by me getting a little jiggy with it. Another case of me not knowing very much...

I don’t consider myself a prude when it comes to talking about… well, you-know-what. Y’know… the four legged frolic, the mattress mambo, the bump and grind, taking the skin schooner to Tuna Town, passing the gravy, taking “Old One-Eye” to the optometrist. You know…

Really, even though I did pass out during our birds-and-bees talk with my daughters, Sallie Mae and Holly, I’m really perfectly at ease talking about… um… boom boom. You know, boffing. Boinking. Boning. Bonking. Boofing.

Why am I here talking about the old in ‘n out, scream ‘n' shout? I mean, I usually spend my time spouting off about weight-loss issues. I’ve written hundreds of posts over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, but not once have I addressed the subject of… um… harnessing the underwear unicorn.

But the two subjects are… um… interconnected quite a bit, and it’s about time somebody gave the discussion the serious look it deserves.

Here’s something that’s hard to believe: in a study from the Journal of Urology, obese men who did little exercise were 2.5 times at greater risk for not being able to maintain a… well… you know. Captain Standish. The roaring horn. The golden rivet. In one’s Sunday best. An Irish toothache. Morning pride. Old Hornington. That’s compared with men who were not overweight and averaged 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day. Men as young as 20 report… ummmm… equipment malfunctions… attributed to obesity or inactivity.

However, that’s the extreme case. Taking the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel is simply much more enjoyable when you’re fit and healthy. A report in the Journal of the American College of Surgeons shows that obese men reported significantly better hanky panky after losing gobs of weight.

The research involved 97 men (average age – 48), all of whom were “morbidly obese.” The conclusions are based on the patients’ own reporting of how their dippity doo da was going before and again several months after gastric bypass surgery that allowed them to shed significant poundage. I guess it’s not that surprising that… umm… batter dipping the corn dog was a better all-around experience at the lower weight.

A Duke University study found that even a 10% reduction in weight results in major improvements in all areas of the participants' whoopee making, including arousal, feelings of attractiveness and enjoyment of… y’know… hippity dippitty.

Best of all, half an hour of… umm… taking the love luge on the inbound loin line helps you burn anywhere from 150-350 calories, depending on the level of activity. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend my time putting sour cream on the taco than hanging out at the gym.

And it’s not just the pleasure involved with activating the special Wonder Twin powers that’s at stake. Researchers in Denmark studied nearly 50,000 couples and found that if both partners were obese, the chances of the couple having to wait more than a year to get pregnant were nearly three times higher than for a normal-weight couple. If both partners were simply overweight, the likelihood they would have to wait longer than a year was 1.4 times higher.

There are lots and lots of fantastic reasons for you to drop this weight, but a better experience during the mommy-daddy dance has gotta rank up there near the top.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go butter the muffin (no, really… I’ve having a muffin for a snack; what did you think I meant?)


  1. I am not ready for iccle wild fluffy lambs just yet but this is one of my top five reasons to shed the poundage. hot non fat boinking.

    i just snorted out loud at buttering the muffin. too funny.

  2. I think that not only is it about the physical, it's so about the mental as well. Thank you for bringing this up. We always talk about how good we feel when we lose weight...but sex/intimacy is a huge part of some people's lives and it is directly impacted by weight.

  3. hell yeah, better sex is a great reason to be dropping weight..and its one of my reasons actually. Along with actually getting a guy in the first place... lol

    hope you enjoyed your muffin!

  4. I am a goddess and you ARE a gent, is Saturday night here in Australia, so I am logging off right now, to enjoy some of these analogies you have posted about, with my lucky/lovely husband....

  5. Uh, yeah, definitely have to agree. And like Mishe said, there's this mental thing that goes with it, too. When I lost weight I felt more attractive and my husband was more affectionate with me...NOT because of how I looked, but because *I* was more affectionate with me too. And when you're not worried about a roll of fat here or a thunder thigh there, you tend to be much more into the action and there are greater rewards to be had!

  6. Jack -

    Found your blog this morning through the "That's Fit" web site. Don't know why you "sat on this post for a bit"... ?? With a blog name of Jack Sh*t, I highly doubt that your readers are easily offended! HAHA!! Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed the sh*t out of your article & love your writing style. I'm adding you to the list of blogs that I read daily (it IS a very short list). ;-) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go "punch the clown."

  7. LONG LIVE KING EUPHEMISM!! I bow before your masterly command of the English language, Your Royal Wordiness.
    V entertaining post.

  8. This is still funny the second time around!

    You're right of course, at this weight it all seems like a lot of hard work. I often think of it as my husband conquering Mount Hanlie... because it's there.

  9. Absolutely a good reason to shed the weight! Thanks for the humorous explanation :)

  10. I just have one thing to say on this subject: Four years ago when I dropped 70 pounds, I turned into a nympho. When I gained it all back? Well, I'm sure you get the picture. So, yeah. What he said.

  11. I've often thought that the WW exercise tracker should include points for slap and tickle, making whoopee, jiggery pokery or the horizontal mambo.
    I have to say that things certainly do fit together better when 55 pounds of fat are no longer between us.
    Had to read your whole post to my husband - I was amazed that there were so many euphemisms out there!

  12. Jack you did it again! Added humor to a very serious problem!
    I've laughed so hard with this post!
    Thanks for all the euphemisms!!!

  13. Congrats on the AOL feature!! Great job, in true Jack Sh*t style, it was awesome!!

    Oh---and I loved this post the first time--and again today, thank you!

  14. hmm...this post made me frisky!

  15. I love boom-boom. I hate getting on top, but I do it because it tones the thighs. Remembering it's a workout is even more of a reason to get it on! :)


  16. I pride myself on my level of perviness, but you had a few in there that I'd never heard of, and one that even made me blush. hehe

    My husband had a joke for when we were both over weight. He walk up to me, bump into me, and whine "mission impossible!" He thought it was hilliarious, I wanted to...shall we say, remove his fuse.

  17. Great post! There's a flip side to this topic and Elizabeth alluded to it. Many people stay heavy because they fear their sexuality and how it will play out when they are thin. Also, many people gain weight to tone, temper or deal with sexual attraction from the opposite sex because they don't feel they can handle saying no, it's their way of controlling the situation without having to address it directly, or they are unfulfilled by sex (even with their own chosen partner). It can even be a subconscious way of handling a situation where two partners have different, ah, appetites.

    Quite often couples who are both overweight channel their sexuality into eating where they can find consistent mutual satisfaction.

    I've seen all of these situations with clients through the years. It's a very pertinent topic for any weight loss discussion. Thanks for your always clever view on it!

    Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC
    America's Weight Loss Catalyst

  18. Hi Jack,
    Sean mentioned your interview over at, at

    I just read it... and owe you an apology.

    I haven't been a regular reader of yours because I thought, mistakenly, your focus was just "entertainment". But after reading that interview, I see your real heart, the whole picture. And I truly apologize for jumping to the wrong conclusion about you. I was so wrong. :-(

    You are witty and brilliantly funny, but I was snooty about all the "poo" references, and found them slightly offensive. My loss... because I missed your real heart... which was not just to entertain (which you do brilliantly) but to truly help others along this tough journey of change.

    I know you get tons of comments, so I hope you see this one. I am not trying to be smart or funny or witty or anything. Just a sincere apology, and I wish you the best of success for not only your excellent blog, but for your life.


  19. omg, you had me cracking up at "buttering the muffin."!!!

  20. HAHA! I laughed thru this entire post. I read it out loud to my husband & he was cracking up too! You are such a great writer! Talking about serious things with humor - i love it!

    I am obese & my husband is not & we have a great sex life... I really enjoy it & so does he! :) (We're still newlyweds too - married a year & a half.) Anyway, even though we love it, i know it will be even better when i finally lose the weight...i've almost lost the 10% but i have a long way to go after that! So yeah - that is definitely some more motivation there!! :)Thanks again! :)

  21. love luge on the in bound loin line??? BWAHAHAH!!!

    Seriously though, when I was 19 and probably 230 lbs, I had a boyfriend with whom I couldn't get enough. Now, I'm 37, and 402 lbs!! And I have a husband, who is mighty hot, but I couldn't care less most days, and I don't really get um...the urge anymore. It could be the age difference, although I'm thinking it's the weight...aren't women supposed to hit their groove at this age?? Because I know my husband wants me to lose weight, I'm not particularly confident getting intimate with him.

  22. I kinda grew up under a rock, but I had NO IDEA there were so many ways to say "it."



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