Monday, June 21, 2010

Monday Morning Makeover

Oh, darling. That weekend choo just had does NOT work for choo at aaaaaall. De constant snacking, dos empty calories, all dat al-kee-hall. Choo look like choo are retaining more water than The Little Dutch Boy.

Yes, choo need a makeover. No, I’m not talking about make-up and clothing (do choo think I’m a miracle worker, after all?). No, I’m talking about ALL THAT.

Choo know: dat junk in de trunk. Dat riddle around jewr middle. All dat jazz… and by "jazz" I mean jewr big fat ass.

It is summer, my overstuffed lovely, and it’s time for choo to eat lots and lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Choo know… blueberries and cherries and tomatoes and choo know what I’m talkin’ about.

If somebody’s sayin’ “Would choo like fries with that?”, choo are NOT doin’ what I’m telling you choo should be doin’.

And choo know what else choo should not be doin’? Choo should NOT be not exercising. Sweat is chur friend. Sweat will help choo move your furniture when choo change apartments. Sweat will lend you fifty dollars ‘til payday. Sweat will pick you up at the airport when chur bitch-ass sister won’t get her lazy bitch-ass self out of her trailer.

Choo can do this losing weight, okay? All it takes is everything choo have every single day. Choo have to want it more than a Kardashian wanting her picture snapped at a Hollywood party.

It’s time to rock the bloat, baby (did choo like that because I made it up myself and I’m thinkin’ of making myself some t-shirts and selling them on the internets).


  1. Your posts always make me laugh....and get focused! I needed to read this today. Especially after the salty meat-fest that was my family's Father's Day BBQ celebration last night.
    Have a good one!

  2. Great, now I vill be talking like dis all day after reading dis!

  3. "All it takes is everything (you) have, every single day." I like that.

  4. Ahh! I was so going to call choo Agador. And I am so going to talk like dis all day. And I want choo to get me on of dose tee shirts. Rock the Bloat, is funny, no?

  5. You been spying on me, Jack Sh*t? Cos this post seems to be written just for me!

  6. My son likes Choo-Choo. He does not comment though, he is still a baby.

  7. Agador Spartacus! I need my spirin tablet!

    And one of those T-Shirts.


  8. lol. i had so much fun reading that aloud :D

  9. Choo know I love the internets.....and yeah I had a crapola weekend so, choo were talkin straight AT ME!

  10. Spread the cheer...I'll take a large, too!

  11. more man words...
    although I am not sure what the Jews have to do with it, it was very biblical of you to mention them.
    fight the bloat jack.
    fight it.

  12. I'll take the shirt in a medium :)

  13. Rock the bloat???!!!! Love it!!!!

    Heh, missed my morning smile, but now I get to go to bed snickering:)


  14. Had to share this with the hubby and friends! Your streak of making me smile every day continues. Thanks, Jack. :) ~H.

  15. I'd buy that t-shirt in a heart beat.



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