Saturday, June 19, 2010

Advance and Retweet

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you some old stuff so I can rest up and think up new stuff. Today I'm dredging up a bunch of tweets from the Sh*tter Twitter. If this kind of nonsense floats your boat, then hop aboard my Twitter feed right here.

  • Trying to write tonight but I've got irritable vowel syndrome...

  • Plumber to me: has somebody been using the hot water heater as a kickboxing bag?

  • Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind paying a little extra to buy orgasmic fruits and vegetables.

  • Mechanic just told me I need to rotate my tires. They're always rotating, dumbass! How do you think I got here?

  • Wife mad that I paid five bucks for stress ball. Said I could've just filled a balloon with sand. Way to stress me out even more, Anita!

  • Does anybody know where I can find a Rubick's Cube where all the sides are the same color?

  • Monday morning and I'm back on the wagon. I really think they should put seat-belts on this thing....

  • Martinis are like breasts; one isn't enough and three is too many.

  • Not sure about runner's high, but I'm pretty sure I just attained a drinker's high.

  • I love airports. I just saw a guy that looks like that guy from that TV show.

  • Question: at a wine tasting and wondering if it's okay to ask for a straw...

  • If you ask me, it should be against the law for your spouse to try to poison you.

  • Fast and easy way to make granola: simply take a granola bar and crunch it up. It's just that easy!

  • CPA gets all the way done with taxes before telling me I can't pay him in yarn. Shouldn't he have said that up front?

  • I really consider you all to be part of my family. Pls remember that if the IRS calls you about my return...

  • I'm gonna use my tax refund to buy a new iPhone... app.

  • Tonight I'm taking my wife Anita to the fanciest restaurant in town (that accepts coupons).

  • I'm not jumping out of cake for you until we agree that I can eat as much as I want while I'm in there waiting...


  1. lol I love your tweet wit! :)

  2. Oh, so you're the reason the IRS is looking for me? Here's one for you: "A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking." No reason, I just think you'll find it funny since you're a writer. smooches

  3. Your tweets do make me smile.
    You just make me smile.
    Even when you're in kick arse mode and tell me to get on it.


  4. Those are funny! I especially like the one about the fanciest restaurant that accepts coupons!! Just found your blog, I'm following, it looks awesome, I'll come back and read more. I have 2 blogs a healthy recipe blog and my dieting blog, thanks!

  5. the martini one made me bust out laughing! These are all great little gems of wisdom haha

  6. I love your tweets!

    I also love my eggs scrabbled.

  7. I love the wagon with seatbelts!

  8. hey jack...and really...duh about the rotating tires. How DOES he think you got there? jeez.



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