Saturday, June 19, 2010

Advance and Retweet

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you some old stuff so I can rest up and think up new stuff. Today I'm dredging up a bunch of tweets from the Sh*tter Twitter. If this kind of nonsense floats your boat, then hop aboard my Twitter feed right here.

  • Trying to write tonight but I've got irritable vowel syndrome...

  • Plumber to me: has somebody been using the hot water heater as a kickboxing bag?

  • Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind paying a little extra to buy orgasmic fruits and vegetables.

  • Mechanic just told me I need to rotate my tires. They're always rotating, dumbass! How do you think I got here?

  • Wife mad that I paid five bucks for stress ball. Said I could've just filled a balloon with sand. Way to stress me out even more, Anita!

  • Does anybody know where I can find a Rubick's Cube where all the sides are the same color?

  • Monday morning and I'm back on the wagon. I really think they should put seat-belts on this thing....

  • Martinis are like breasts; one isn't enough and three is too many.

  • Not sure about runner's high, but I'm pretty sure I just attained a drinker's high.

  • I love airports. I just saw a guy that looks like that guy from that TV show.

  • Question: at a wine tasting and wondering if it's okay to ask for a straw...

  • If you ask me, it should be against the law for your spouse to try to poison you.

  • Fast and easy way to make granola: simply take a granola bar and crunch it up. It's just that easy!

  • CPA gets all the way done with taxes before telling me I can't pay him in yarn. Shouldn't he have said that up front?

  • I really consider you all to be part of my family. Pls remember that if the IRS calls you about my return...

  • I'm gonna use my tax refund to buy a new iPhone... app.

  • Tonight I'm taking my wife Anita to the fanciest restaurant in town (that accepts coupons).

  • I'm not jumping out of cake for you until we agree that I can eat as much as I want while I'm in there waiting...

10 comments:

  1. lol I love your tweet wit! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, so you're the reason the IRS is looking for me? Here's one for you: "A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking." No reason, I just think you'll find it funny since you're a writer. smooches
    funandfit.org

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your tweets do make me smile.
    You just make me smile.
    Even when you're in kick arse mode and tell me to get on it.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Those are funny! I especially like the one about the fanciest restaurant that accepts coupons!! Just found your blog, I'm following, it looks awesome, I'll come back and read more. I have 2 blogs a healthy recipe blog and my dieting blog, thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  5. the martini one made me bust out laughing! These are all great little gems of wisdom haha

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love your tweets!

    I also love my eggs scrabbled.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love the wagon with seatbelts!

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  8. hey jack...and really...duh about the rotating tires. How DOES he think you got there? jeez.

    ReplyDelete

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