All Atwitter...

I have a lot of really random thoughts in my head, most of which I can't figure out a way to work into a blog post but seem better suited for Twitter's tiny stage. That's the thing I love most about it.

The thing I love least about Twitter is that I can't quickly find an old tweet that made me laugh, so every so often I collect some of my best, worst and most in-between tweets and stick 'em on a blog post.
 

• I've learned not to ask a woman if she's pregnant unless I see the baby's head crowning.

• Just saw what my tax refund's gonna be; I'm buying a new iPhone... app.

• @psychicadvisor5 just followed me on twitter; shouldn't she have known I wasn’t gonna follow her back?

• Think of yourself as a real-life Ms. Pac-Man; eat healthy food (like cherries) and run every day (so ghosts don’t catch and kill you).

• When you "accuse", you make an "acc" out of "u" and "se". Remember that!

• In honor of Monopoly's anniversary, I just stole $500 from the bank.

• Who has three thumbs and is AWESOME? Ummm... that guy in the carnival freakshow.

• Okay, nose back to grindstone. Why did I take this job at nose-grinding factory?

Dammit! I just drank some cork with my wine. And I think I might be allergic to cork!

• I'm the Mayor of @dontcareaboutfoursquare!

• Heading to bed. Hope I have another dream about a unicorn eating a rainbow...

• Anything is possible! I just caught a fly with chopsticks! Wait... that's an eggroll. Nevermind...

• Live each day as though it's your last; mine's been filled with updating my will and leaving weepy messages on friend's voicemails...

• Tip for bloggers: bloggity blog blog blog (sorry, that's all I've got...)

• I told my wife Anita to iron my shirts and she took off in the car. I guess to go get some spray starch...

• Helpful weight-loss tip: you can make your own rice cakes by cutting an air conditioner filter up into little circles.

• I was thinking about writing a mystery novel, but what if I couldn't figure out who committed the murder? How embarrassing would THAT be?

• Roses are red. Violets are black. At least they are if you buy them. At Discount Flower Shack...

• Sitting down to do my taxes. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY TRASH CAN FULL OF RECEIPTS?

• Just ate all chocolate in the house because I read somewhere that it was poisonous to dogs. MUST SAVE DOGS!

• Go to animal shelter and adopt a stray anteater. RT @GirlyBitzGirl: Any tips for getting rid of ants? They are taking over my house.

• My wife just pointed out that my “yoga” is just me sitting Indian-style on the floor and working a sudoku puzzle.

• Did you know you can make your own corn-on-the-cob by gluing frozen corn niblets to a toilet paper tube?

• Call me crazy, but I still get a chill up my spine every time I'm hooked up to the Spine-Chilling machine.

• I'm kinda mad that nobody calls me The Sh*tuation like I asked.

• They say "Don't reinvent the wheel" but I've got this kick-ass idea for a whole new kind of wheel (hint: cupholders!).

• Maybe I have my head in the clouds too much, but I see an awful lot of rainbows...

• @RoniNoone If you have your baby on St Patrick's Day, I've got the perfect name for him: Jack.

• Don't you hate it when you go to a wedding and they're serving wedding cake?

• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me 3 times, shame on educational system for not preparing me for fooling.

• Lost a fortune on blackjack even tho I was counting cards; knowing there was 52 of them didn't seem to help me much...

• Not many ppl know this, but my blog actually started as a CB radio podcast.

• I don't really LIKE to shoplift, but I've run the numbers and it's a lot cheaper than regular shopping.

• Get more traffic to my blog, GUARANTEED! Click here: http://bit.ly/fco4CS

• Welcome new robot followers. Here's special robot joke: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a robot. Thanks again for following!

• That's what she said. Wait! That most certainly IS NOT what she said! RT @DefineDiana: @JackSht take it all Jack!

• That giant person you made out of tater tots is sign u need a date… and to start eating better… and to pick up more ketchup at the store.

• My wife says I have “fearless commitment” and… huh? What’s that, Anita? You said “fear of commitment”? Will you pls stay outta this?

• Call me crazy, but I'd rather have a diamond with a flaw in it than a regular rock that's utterly perfect.

• An infinite # of monkeys typing infinite # of years = works of Shakespeare. Four monkeys typing for 2 hours = my blog.

Come be a part of the Twitter fun, 

and be sure to follow my nonsense at @JackSht

Advance and Retweet

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I give you some old stuff so I can rest up and think up new stuff. Today I'm dredging up a bunch of tweets from the Sh*tter Twitter. If this kind of nonsense floats your boat, then hop aboard my Twitter feed right here.

• Trying to write tonight but I've got irritable vowel syndrome...
  
  
• Plumber to me: has somebody been using the hot water heater as a kickboxing bag?
  
  
• Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind paying a little extra to buy orgasmic fruits and vegetables.
  
  
• Mechanic just told me I need to rotate my tires. They're always rotating, dumbass! How do you think I got here?
  
  
• Wife mad that I paid five bucks for stress ball. Said I could've just filled a balloon with sand. Way to stress me out even more, Anita!
  
  
• Does anybody know where I can find a Rubick's Cube where all the sides are the same color?
  
  
• Monday morning and I'm back on the wagon. I really think they should put seat-belts on this thing....
  
  
• Martinis are like breasts; one isn't enough and three is too many.
  
  
• Not sure about runner's high, but I'm pretty sure I just attained a drinker's high.
  
  
• I love airports. I just saw a guy that looks like that guy from that TV show.
  
  
• Question: at a wine tasting and wondering if it's okay to ask for a straw...
  
  
• If you ask me, it should be against the law for your spouse to try to poison you.
  
  
• Fast and easy way to make granola: simply take a granola bar and crunch it up. It's just that easy!
  
  
• CPA gets all the way done with taxes before telling me I can't pay him in yarn. Shouldn't he have said that up front?
  
  
• I really consider you all to be part of my family. Pls remember that if the IRS calls you about my return...
  
  
• I'm gonna use my tax refund to buy a new iPhone... app.
  
  
• Tonight I'm taking my wife Anita to the fanciest restaurant in town (that accepts coupons).
  
  
• I'm not jumping out of cake for you until we agree that I can eat as much as I want while I'm in there waiting...

"Same Old Sh*t" Saturday... The Tweet Edition

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where laziness rules the day! Just to mix things up a bit, I thought I'd gather some of my favorite 140-words-or-less tidbits from the Sh*tter Twitter. Here are some of my least sucky twitterlings...

• Dammit. Got halfway finished with a post for my site: "Crochet a Bit with Jack Sh*t," then realized that's one of my imaginary blogs.
• I don't know about my personal trainer; she told me to do jumping jacks for an hour in the parking lot.
• I think it's time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I'm a door-to-door mirror salesman?
• I just went to Subway and asked 'em to give me what that Jared guy got: a million dollar endorsement contract.
• I've invented this brand new kind of push-up where you lie on your back, and... well, I haven't worked out all the details yet.
• Went to new restaurant last night called Hillbillies' Chili's. Shouldn't have ordered the "Awesome Possum."
• I tried lighting a candle at both ends, and guess what: TWICE AS MUCH LIGHT. Don't listen to what people say...
• I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.
• Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.
• "I sure look good in these home movies," I told my wife, Anita. "That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass," she replied.
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double shame on you! (I just don't see why I should accept any shame in this situation)
• I think I've been a victim of identity theft! No wait... I just found it under the sofa...
• I told my wife Anita I'd do laundry today, but I didn't know she meant clothes laundry!
• Wednesdays are always hard for me because I coined the phrase "hump day" and I never get any credit for it...
• Canned pumpkin is pretty good, but have you ever tried to make a jack-o-lantern out of it? Not pretty...
• Question: if you're gonna jump out of a cake, is it okay to eat some of it while you're in there waiting?
• Allergies are nothing to cough at... dohhhhh, I meant "sneeze at"... I had the perfect set-up and I BLEW IT. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
• I'm more a glass half full kinda guy than a glass half empty one, and... ewwwwwwww. There's a bug in my glass! A bug!
• At physical last week, the doc said my awesomeness was "off the charts" (waitaminute... that may have been my cholesterol).
• The spaghetti I made tonight was way too saucy. I think that's because I accidently put in "whoregano" (we were out of regular oregano)
• Question for the foodies: recipe calls for peppercorns... can I replace them with cornpeppers?
• Stopped by the Farmer's Market and got a half-pound of fresh overalls.
• Been all over town looking for Skim Milk Duds. Could it be possible that I just dreamed those up?
• What does it mean when the tea leaves at the bottom of your cup form a skull and crossbones? That you're going to meet a lucky pirate?