Sunday, February 28, 2016

Thursday, February 25, 2016

The Jackfersons

Well, we're movin on down,
(Movin’ on down!)
We’re gettin’ less wide. 
(Movin’ on down!)
Gonna decrease our waistline over time.
Movin on down
(Movin’ on down!)
To get less wide.
(Movin’ on down!)
We finally ate a meal without pie.

Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
It’s healthier cooked on the grill.
Took a whole lotta dietin’
Got more work to do still.
Say goodbye to those big pants,
Gettin' our turn less fat.
As long as we live,
We’re stayin’ mo healthy
There ain't nothin’ wrong with that.

Well, we're movin on down,
(Movin on down!)
We’re gettin’ less wide.
(Movin on down!) 
Gonna decrease our waistline over time.
Movin on down
(Movin’ on down!)

To get less wide.
(Movin’ on down!)
We finally ate a meal without pie.

Monday, February 22, 2016

In Honor of the Oscars...

Famous movie lines... Jack Sh*t-style!

“Shane. Shane! Come back! You can’t have that whole box of ice cream sandwiches, Shane!”

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna… get your damn hands off that chocolate, mister!”

“Today I consider myself the healthiest man on the face of the earth.”

“I’ll have what she’s having. And what he’s having.”

There’s no place like Hooter’s.

“Here’s looking at food, kid.”

I have had it with these motherf^%ing gains on this motherf#$%ing scale!

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. His pants seem to have ripped in the seat…”

Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was heart disease brought on by a high-fat diet and a sedentary lifestyle that killed the Beast.”

“As God is my witness, I’ll always be hungry again.”

There are many things my father taught me here in this room. He taught me, ‘keep your friends close, your enemies closer and that Velvetta cheese far, far away.’”

“You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris? A huge mistake.”

I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let… ohhhhh… is that a croissant?”

Get away from those chips, you bitch!”

“Yippie kay-yay, butter-lover.”

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Talking to Your Kids About Se... Se... You-Know-What!

Take this short quiz to see where you fall on the “talking to kids about you-know-what” meter…

Should boys and girls get the same sexual advice?

(A) No -- girls and boys have different risk factors; advice needs to address each gender specifically.

(B) Yes – just throw a copy of Mommy Laid An Egg! or Where Do Babies Come From in their bedroom, slam the door and run away.
(C) Girls should get a quick and cursory explanation of the way things work; boys should get neutered.

If you catch your child watching a TV program that contains sexual content, you:

Join your child and use this opportunity as a springboard to discuss sexual choices.
(B) Call Direct TV and order “The Abstinence Channel”.
(C) Roar like The Incredible Hulk and put a sledgehammer through the TV screen.

Your child is about to leave the house dressed provocatively. What do you say?

I realize that you’re influenced by what you see on TV and in movies, but that outfit crosses the line.
(B) I know you like showing off your body, but that outfit’s a little inappropriate.
(C) Since when did you start shopping at “Sluts R Us”?

What’s the best way to advise your teen about birth control?

(A) I explain that abstinence is the only way to have 100% safe sex, but I add that using condoms is essential if you’re going to engage in sex.
(B) I get them plenty of reading material on the subject.
(C) I email them link to this post.

Should “oral sex” be a topic of conversation during your talk?

(A) Absolutely -- I am aware that today's young adolescents are engaging in oral sex and think that it is casual and safe.
(B) No, I’m not comfortable broaching that subject with my child.(C) Oh my sweet lord… when will this quiz be over?

When you mention body parts and puberty developments, do you use terms or metaphors?

(A) I call a spade a spade, a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina.
(B) Then the daddy takes his “war hammer” and places it in mommy’s “meat muffin”.
(C) What do you mean you’ve never heard of “Rockin’ the Casbah”? The Clash? Hello? Are you the least bit familiar with the 80’s English punk music scene?

If a teenager is caught having sex, what’s the best discipline tactic?

(A) The child should be firmly talked to and forbidden from making that mistake again.
(B) All proceeds from internet sales of any sex video made MUST be put in college fund.
(C) Grounded for two weeks past infinity.

Do you cover "all the bases" when you talk about sex?

(A)Yes, I explain that sexual activity gets more intimate and define what first base, second base, third base and the home run means.
(B) No -- we are talking about sex, not baseball.
(C) I explain to them actual rules of baseball instead (including designated hitter rule).

What's the best way to sum up your sexual advice:

(A) Wait until you’re older and married.
(B) Wait until you’re older and in love.
(C) Wait until you’re old.

In your opinion, sex talks are:

(A) Fundamental to your child growing up safe, healthy and empowered.
(B) Futile because MTV, R-rated movies, TV, advertising and peers influence kids and are undoing any instructions that parents might give.
(C) An unsuitable topic for a blog post.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

One of a Kind

Each of us is a snowflake.




Each of us moving along our own path towards our own destiny.

Each of our journeys ours to make for ourselves.

And when we work together, we create something magical and wonderful.

Oh, and yeah...

Each of us expecting to be quite a bit smaller come swimsuit season.

Go snowflake, go!

Monday, February 15, 2016

You Have the Right to Remain Hungry

“C'mon, Jack,” the cop growled. “I know you did it. You know you did it. Angry Eddie knows you did it...”


“Ease up, Angry Eddie. Jack’s gonna talk.”

“Is this that ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing I’ve heard so much about?”


“Easy there, Angry Eddie. Jack, what Angry Eddie was trying to say is that you might as well fess up.”

“I don't know what you’re talking about.”




“I know he said ‘time’, Officer Angry Eddie. I just don't know what he meant by it.”

“I meant that you're guilty of killing time.”

“Killing time?”

“That's right. Squandering the relatively small allotment of time you have on this Earth.”

“I don't understand...”

“Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey once said, ‘Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.’”

“Okay, but who the hell is Elizabeth Forsy...” 

“Listen, Jack. It’s time for you to get serious about reaching your goals. Time for you to start pushing forward to achieve your hopes and dreams.”

“Are you gonna put me in prison?”

“Son, I'm trying to get you out of prison.”

“Right, uhhh... thank you.”


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for this Great Health!

• Making your own sushi is much cheaper than going out, and you can do it with items you probably already have around the house, such as a sushi mat, sushi vinegar, sushi rice, sushi seaweed and a sushi chef.

• You can make your own “100-calorie packs” by putting 100 calories worth of any food into a plastic bag, dumbass.

• Only eat processed foods if you process them yourself.

• One way to spend a smaller percentage of your income on food is by getting a job where you make more money.

• When you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, remember to wear your coat with Ziploc bags sewn into the inner lining.

• One way to get easy access to fresh vegetables is to marry a farmer.

• You can get free eggs and free milk if you can figure out some way to breed a cow with a chicken.

• Want a free membership to a fitness center? All you have to do is invent a shrink ray to make yourself too tiny to be seen.

• Organic bananas are much more expensive than the regular kind, unless you change the sticker on them like I do.

• You can make your own juicer using a hammer and… well, I guess that’s really all you need.

• Why spend money on expensive health books and magazines when I provide world-class nutrition and fitness information right chere?

Monday, February 8, 2016

Welcome to my Super Bowl party!

Neighbor: Ummmmm… am I the first one here?

Jack: No way! Folks have been coming in and out all day.

Neighbor: Well, here… I brought this.

Jack: Thanks! (throws it in trash can)

Neighbor: Ummm… did you just throw my 7-layer dip away?

Jack: Yeah, that’s about four too many layers. This is a healthy Super Bowl party!

Neighbor: A healthy Super Bowl party?

Jack: Yeah, I whipped up a bunch of my world-famous Figs in a Blanket.

Neighbor: I see.

Jack: Over there you got your Swedish Wheatballs, Squash Sliders, Crustless Raw Veggie Pizza and Cottage Cheesecake.

Neighbor: What’s that in the center?

Jack: That’s my Tofu-tball. It’s not what you think it is…

Neighbor: Is it a football made out of tofu?

Jack: Well, that was a pretty lucky guess. I’ve got some games planned, too. Every time an announcer says a team needs to take care of the football, everybody has to do twenty burpees. Say… what? You’ve gotta leave already? Another party to go to? Okay then. Have a healthy Super Bowl Sunday!


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