Monday, April 29, 2013

Top Health Tips for Tip-Top Health... Tips!

• Eat until you are eight-tenths full instead of until you’re ten-eighths full.

• Chewing sugarless gum is a better way to keep your mouth busy than snacking or getting into an obscenity-filled argument with your neighbor.

• You can add more fruits and vegetables to your diet by eating more fruits and vegetables, dumbass.

• According to some research, catching a whiff of Rosemary may increase alertness and improve memory (of course, Rosemary may slap you if she catches sniffing her, but getting slapped increases alertness, too!)

• Brushing your teeth right after dinner is a good way to tell your brain that you’re done eating for the evening, unless you brush your teeth with frosting.

• To get more fiber in your diet, consider eating a pound of fiber.

• Remember, the “elevator” is an “evil-ator”… no wait… that’s stupid. Don’t waste your time remembering that. My bad!

• You can tame a tension headache by rubbing peppermint oil into your temples and then screaming until blood pours down your nose.

• Instead of stopping at Starbucks and getting yourself a coffee in the morning, how about stopping at Starbucks, getting me a coffee and dropping it off by my office? Thanks!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Newlyfit Game

Bob Eubanks: Welcome to The Newlyfit Game, where we ask married couples questions about their health and fitness goals and regimens. Our first couple is Jack and Anita… welcome to the show, guys.

Jack: Hi, Bob. I’m thrilled to be here and hope everybody watching will check out my blog… it’s at www.jackfit.blo….

Anita: For God’s sake, Jack. Will you give it a rest about your freakin’ blog?

Jack: I’m just giving the address in case somebody…

Anita: You’ve got the URL printed on your shirt, dumbass.

Jack: Oh, yeah. There ya go!

Bob: There, there lovebirds. We’re going to see how well you know about each other’s health and fitness. We locked Jack away and asked Anita some questions and now Jack will attempt to answer them.

Jack: Bring it on!

Bob: First question: Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever made whoopee?

Jack: Hmmmmmm…. I’ve gotta say that time on the ski lift, Bob.

Bob: Now remember… on The Newlyfit Game, “making whoopee” means “working out”…

Jack: Ohhhhh….

Bob: Now let’s see what Anita said… ohhhh, she said ‘At a family reunion’.

Jack: Who calls working out “making whoopee”?

Bob: Next question, how many times a week do you make whoopee during dinner?

Jack: What?

Bob: Okay, this time “making whoopee” means “eating vegetables”.

Anita: This is just too stupid for words. C’mon, Jack… let’s go home and make whoopee.

Jack: Does that mean what I think it means?

What do you think it means?

Jack: Take a nap?

Anita: Damn right!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Feelin’ Heavy

Slow down, you eat too fast.
It’s how you got to be so vast.
Just knockin’ back way too much.
Eatin’ a ton and feelin’ heavy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...
Feelin’ heavy.

Hello pancakes.
What cha knowin’?
It’s time to get the syrup flowin’
Ain’tcha got no Aunt Jamima?

Doot-in’ doo-doo,

Feelin’ heavy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...Feelin’ heavy

I’ve got much work to do,
New goals to meet.
Get moving and exercise and watch what I eat.
Let my mindset perform a metamorphis on me. 

Body, I love you,

Not so heavy.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Nothing Is More Exciting Than Healthy Living!

My day started in a somewhat typical manner, until something crazy didn’t happen: a piece of bread lodged in the toaster started a grease fire which consumed the entire kitchen. So I enjoyed a warm, satisfying bowl of oatmeal and gathered my things for work.

On the drive in to my office, the most bizarre occurrence didn’t happen: a tractor-trailer jackknifed on the expressway, spilling huge barrels of flammable liquids that exploded on contact with the asphalt. I arrived at work roughly five minutes early and took the stairs instead of the elevator.

Around midday, you’re simply not going to believe what didn’t happen next: a terrorist group staged a dramatic firefight in the lobby of my office! I headed off to the gym and got in a quick-but-efficient 45-minute workout, showered and rushed back to the office to enjoy a sensible lunch at my desk.

Later in the afternoon, the strangest thing may or may not have happened: one of my co-workers jumped through the glass window of the conference room and plunged 75 stories but was apparently saved when she landed in the fountain in front of our building that, for some reason, is extraordinarily deep. And I had a handful of almonds for a snack.

Finally, just to top off another wild day in my healthy living adventure, nothing like the following even remotely came close to happening: a wild boar got loose in the backyard and started chasing the dogs around. Plus, I ate a sensible supper, went on a walk and then turned in early.

I tell you, nothing is more exciting than healthy living!

Friday, April 12, 2013

More Catchy Weight Loss Jingles

I Want My Body Back
I want my body back, body back, body back
I want my body back, body back, body back
Don’t go to Chili’s!
Body back … Reelz!

The Fatta Song
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?

Check-in on the Sea
Ask any mermaid 

You happen to see, 

What's a good exercise?

Swimming, you see!

I Can Bring Home the Bacon
I can bring home the bacon,

Fry it up in a pan.
Whoops, I forgot that’s not on the plan.

Because I'm a veeeeegan, 

V-E-G-A-N. Eatsomebeets.

The Post-Workout Mix
Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Hey, Big Sweater
The minute you walk in the gym
Perspiration starts to fly right off you.
The janitor wants to mop you.

Hey, big sweater,

Get your sweat on me.

Monday, April 8, 2013

More Offensive Color Names Discovered at Target

Target pulled a plus-sized boner last week when a customer stumbled across something peculiar: a gray plus-size dress was listed as "Manatee Gray" while the same dress in regular sizes was called “Dark Heather Gray.”

It made me curious, so I high-tailed it to Target and found a bunch of other potentially offensive color names in the plus-sized section...

• “Jack Black” Black

• Butterball Beige

• Copper (with Cheese)

• All-You-Can-Eat Amethyst

• Cheesecake Chartreuse

• Sumo Sapphire

• Oprah Orange

• Lard-Ass Lavender

• Paula Deen Green

• Raspberry Buffet

• Yo Mamma Mauve

• Submarine Yellow

• Plump Plum

• Can ‘O Frosting Fushcia

• Pot-bellied Pink

• Rose Fatter

• Rosanne Barr-rown

• Brontosaurus Bronze

• White Don’t You Go on a Diet?

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A Few More Weight Loss Songs for the Wee Little Children

The Runny Honey
You put your right foot out,

You put your left foot out,

You put your right foot out again,

And you keep going like that.

You get all runny, honey

And you wear yourself plumb out.

That’s what it’s is all about.

Where Oh Where Has My Willpower Gone
Oh where, oh where

Has my willpower gone?

Oh where, oh where can it be?

With my workouts cut short 

And my eating all wrong

Oh where, oh where can it be?

Ain’t It Great to Be Healthy?
A horse and a flea and three fat dogs,

Tried to lose the most on their weight loss blogs.

The horse lost a pound and taunted the flea.

“Dammit,” said the flea, “Tain’t fair for me!”

Blog, blog, ain’t it great to be healthy?
Blog, blog, ain’t it great to be healthy?

Happy and hearty the whole day through
Blog, blog, ain’t it great to be healthy?

The Jackey Sh*t Club
Who’s the leader of the club

For folks like you and me?


Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there

It’s time to get healthy!


Jackey Sh*t!

Jackey Sh*t!

Don’t ever let your scale go so

High! High! High! High!

Come along and sing a song

It’s a weight loss jamboree!


Monday, April 1, 2013

The Battle (of the Bulge) Hymn of the Republic

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the numbers on the Scale.
My pants are fitting badly and I’m feeling like a whale,
Trying to be good, but wind up sayin’ “What the hell?”
My weight is marching up.

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

The truth is I don’t know.

I have tried to count my calories; I’ve tried eating less fat.
I have tried portion sizes that wouldn’t satisfy a gnat.
If you have a brand new diet, well, okay, I will try that.
The truth is I don’t know.

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

It’s time to bring it down!

I have started working out more, I have started eating less.

I am never, ever perfect but I always try my best.

What the scale will tell me this week, man, is anybody’s guess.

But I’ll keep marching on!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

My weight is coming down.

I have lifted all the free weights, I have started doing squats.

I wasn’t really counting, but I’m sure that I did lots.

It’s really, really hard for me so please keep me in your thoughts.

My journey’s marching on!


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