The Azz

One day, on Fitness Flats,

There came an impasse,
With a Weight-Losing Azz
And a Weight-Gaining Azz.

And it happened that both of them were in a rut.
They were stuck. There they stood.
Face to Face. Gut to gut.

“Look here, now!” the Weight-Losing Azz said, “I say!
You are blocking my path. I’ve a workout today.
I’m a Weight-Losing Azz and though I’m stuck at this weight.
If I keep doing right, the results will be great.”

“That’s a dumb way to think!” snapped the Weight-Gaining Azz.
“You’re exercising too much, it’s affecting your mass.
You should do it MY way!  Just rest and have faith
That the scale doesn’t notice all the food that you ateth.”

Then the Weight-Losing Azz shook his head side to side.
“I never,” he said, “want to live extra-wide.
And I’ll prove to you that working out works.
Plus it provides you with energy and other great perks!”

“And I’ll prove to YOU,” yelled the Weight-Losing Azz,
“That I’ll lose weight without all that sweat-sweating jazz.
I know I can do it! I can manage my bigness

Without running and lifting and that sort of fitness.
Never sweat! That’s my rule. Never get yourself sweaty!
Never yuck up your clothes! Never smell like a Yeti!
I’ll stay here, not sweating! I can and you’ll witness.

I can lose weight without bothering with fitness.”

Well...
Of course his weight didn’t stand still. His weight grew.
He gained back what he’d lost before he was through.

But the other Azz kept on working, true to his word.

And his health got much better (tho his blog’s still absurd).

Understand... I'm Talking to Myself Here

More Signs Your Mom Is a Fit Blogger

• Your macaroni-and-cheese has no pasta or dairy products in it.

• House gets egged every Halloween because she gives kids tiny bags of kale chips.

• Activity for your birthday party is a 10K fun run.

• Instead of Tickle-Me-Elmo, she got you Yoga-Me-Grover.

• That jug of what you thought was delicious green Kool-Aid in the fridge wound up being disgusting wheatgrass juice.

• You’re so embarrassed at the playground when Mom does a dozen chin-ups on the swingset.

• Santa brought you a PlaySkool elliptical.

• You’d give your last hexbug for one crispy tator tot!

• Only Wii game she lets you play is one where you have to spin around in place as fast as you can for an hour.

• Plain freakin’ yogurt!

• Every time she runs out of stuff to write about, you gotta do something cute to save the day.

• McDonald’s? What the hell is McDonald’s?


Want more?
















More Healthy Father’s Day Gift Ideas

• Wallet made of fruit leather

• Universal remote that doesn’t work so he has to get up and change channel himself

• Conversion kit that turns his favorite recliner into an elliptical

• Salt shaker that doesn’t allow more than three grains of salt to come out per minute

• Two-for-one colonoscopy coupon

• Hammock installed at top of tree so he gets exercise climbing

• Manual weedwhacker that works by simply spinning it around really, really fast

• 5K through every Civil War battlefield

• Deer-antler helmet to wear hunting (encourages lots of movement)

• Set of wheatgrass shot glasses

• Siphon almost all gas from his car so he winds up getting healthy walk in

• Subscription to Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

 Need more ideas?

Diet-fail

This is the day.
Hop on the scale,
See what I weigh.
Feel gravity pull me down.
See a number that makes me frown.
For this is the day

I've bought and bit this donut.
So overweight, yes I so am,

Weigh-in day,
I'm swollen.

Let my diet fail,
Watched me stumble
I will start back
And make sure
I do better.
Not let my diet fail,
When I stumble
I will stand up
And do better

At diet fail.

At diet fail.



Diet-fail don’t mean you quit.
A thousand times you recommit
To meals more smart and days more fit.
You may make a mistake. You may go off track.
But that doesn’t mean Jack Sh*t.



Let the diet fail,
When we stumble.

We will start back

And make sure we do better.

After the diet fail,
When we stumble
We will stand tall
And we will all do better
After diet fail.

Let the diet fail,
When we stumble,
We’ll start over.

Let the diet fail,
When we stumble,
We’ll start over.




Watch what I do
.
Watch what I eat.
I want to be the best me
Without the obesity
.
Is this too-large mass
Staying on my ass? 

Keep reading my blog and we'll see

.

Don’t let the diet fail, 

We won’t stumble
.
We will stand tall

And we will all do better
Not let the diet fail, 

Watch it crumble
.
We will stand tall

And we will all do better

After diet fail

.

Let the diet fail.

We will start over

After diet fail

Ooooo...

Thintriliquest

I’ve been working on my ventriloquism act, and I’m getting pretty good except for the fact that I’m still having trouble with my lips moving whenever I make the doll talk (how do they DO that?).

Anyway, since my act isn’t ready for live performances (because of the lip-moving), I thought I’d share the rest of it with you…

JACK: Hey, Howie. How ya doing doing on your diet?

HOWIE DOODY: Well, I gotta tell ya, Jack. It’s tough.

JACK: Because you’re hungry all the time?

HOWIE DOODY: No, because I’m a freakin’ puppet, you stupid sonofab*tch!

JACK: Yeah, I know how you feel. The long slog of dieting can really get under your skin.

HOWIE DOODY: Are your ears even more worthless than mine, broccoli-for-brains? I tell ya, I’m just a doll. I can’t lose weight without using power tools on myself.

JACK: I hear ya. Y’know, maybe you should think about what you can add to your diet, not what you should take away. Start by focusing on getting the recommended 5-9 servings of fruits and veggies each day.

HOWIE DOODY: Listen you overweight ocean of odoriferous octopus ooze… I don’t need your stupid “eat less and exercise more” advice.

JACK: It sounds like a lot, but it is well worth it, because at the same time you are meeting your fiber goals and feeling more satisfied from the volume of food.

HOWIE DOODY: You didn't fall out of the stupid tree. You got drug through dumbass forest.

JACK: And now, to illustrate the importance of staying hydrated, I’m going to drink this big glass of water while you entertain the audience with a medley of cowboy yodeling songs.

HOWIE DOODY: Will somebody please shoot me in the head and put me ouaaa * gasp * gurgle * gahh * glug * guggle * glaaaaa…

Healthy Meals

Healthy meals for you, until we eat again.
Healthy meals for you, fresh veggies and whole grain.

Take care so that your snacks aren’t way too fatty,

Or else you’ll grow as big as Cincinnati.

Healthy meals to you, 'till we eat again.



Some meals are healthy ones,

Others not so much.

It's the way you prep the meal that counts,

Make it a healthy one for lunch.



Healthy meals for you, until we eat again.

Healthy meals for you, it’s the best place to begin.

Take care so that your food is not too salty
The choice is up to you, it’s all your fault, see?
Healthy meals to you,
'Till we eat again.

Now Playing at the Jack Sh*t Octoplex

• Life of Pie

• Dead Man Down 2 Pounds

• Assgo

• The Weight-keepers

• The Incredible Burt Lost-A-Stone

• The Not-So-Great Fatsby

• Diet Hard 5: A Good Day to Diet Hard

• Gain and Pain

• Dr. Oz: The Great and Terrible Celebrity Physician

• 210 and Over

• The Blobbit: An Unexpected Weight Gain

• Slimmer Living Playbook

• Jack the Giant Ass Slayer

Hoosier Daddy?

There's a tradition in weight loss not to talk about the next step until you've climbed the one in front of you. I’m sure getting down to goal weight is beyond your wildest dreams, so let’s just keep it right here, right here in front of us. Forget about the potato chips, the size of those super-sized sodas, those fancy desserts and remember they got you here. Focus on the fundamentals that we’ve gone over time and time again. If you put your effort and concentration into eating well and exercising more, to be the best that you can be, I don’t care what the scale says at the end of the day. In my book, we’re gonna be losers! Okay?!


Top Health Tips for Tip-Top Health... Tips!

• Eat until you are eight-tenths full instead of until you’re ten-eighths full.

• Chewing sugarless gum is a better way to keep your mouth busy than snacking or getting into an obscenity-filled argument with your neighbor.

• You can add more fruits and vegetables to your diet by eating more fruits and vegetables, dumbass.

• According to some research, catching a whiff of Rosemary may increase alertness and improve memory (of course, Rosemary may slap you if she catches sniffing her, but getting slapped increases alertness, too!)

• Brushing your teeth right after dinner is a good way to tell your brain that you’re done eating for the evening, unless you brush your teeth with frosting.

• To get more fiber in your diet, consider eating a pound of fiber.

• Remember, the “elevator” is an “evil-ator”… no wait… that’s stupid. Don’t waste your time remembering that. My bad!

• You can tame a tension headache by rubbing peppermint oil into your temples and then screaming until blood pours down your nose.

• Instead of stopping at Starbucks and getting yourself a coffee in the morning, how about stopping at Starbucks, getting me a coffee and dropping it off by my office? Thanks!

The Newlyfit Game

Bob Eubanks: Welcome to The Newlyfit Game, where we ask married couples questions about their health and fitness goals and regimens. Our first couple is Jack and Anita… welcome to the show, guys.

Jack: Hi, Bob. I’m thrilled to be here and hope everybody watching will check out my blog… it’s at www.jackfit.blo….

Anita: For God’s sake, Jack. Will you give it a rest about your freakin’ blog?

Jack: I’m just giving the address in case somebody…

Anita: You’ve got the URL printed on your shirt, dumbass.

Jack: Oh, yeah. There ya go!

Bob: There, there lovebirds. We’re going to see how well you know about each other’s health and fitness. We locked Jack away and asked Anita some questions and now Jack will attempt to answer them.

Jack: Bring it on!

Bob: First question: Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever made whoopee?

Jack: Hmmmmmm…. I’ve gotta say that time on the ski lift, Bob.

Bob: Now remember… on The Newlyfit Game, “making whoopee” means “working out”…

Jack: Ohhhhh….

Bob: Now let’s see what Anita said… ohhhh, she said ‘At a family reunion’.

Jack: Who calls working out “making whoopee”?

Bob: Next question, how many times a week do you make whoopee during dinner?

Jack: What?

Bob: Okay, this time “making whoopee” means “eating vegetables”.

Anita: This is just too stupid for words. C’mon, Jack… let’s go home and make whoopee.

Jack: Does that mean what I think it means?

Anita: What do you think it means?

Jack: Take a nap?

Anita: Damn right!

Hang In There, Baby!

Feelin’ Heavy

Slow down, you eat too fast.
It’s how you got to be so vast.
Just knockin’ back way too much.
Eatin’ a ton and feelin’ heavy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...
Feelin’ heavy.

Hello pancakes.
What cha knowin’?
It’s time to get the syrup flowin’
Ain’tcha got no Aunt Jamima?

Doot-in’ doo-doo,

Feelin’ heavy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...Feelin’ heavy

I’ve got much work to do,
New goals to meet.
Get moving and exercise and watch what I eat.
Let my mindset perform a metamorphis on me. 

Body, I love you,

Not so heavy.

Nothing Is More Exciting Than Healthy Living!

My day started in a somewhat typical manner, until something crazy didn’t happen: a piece of bread lodged in the toaster started a grease fire which consumed the entire kitchen. So I enjoyed a warm, satisfying bowl of oatmeal and gathered my things for work.

On the drive in to my office, the most bizarre occurrence didn’t happen: a tractor-trailer jackknifed on the expressway, spilling huge barrels of flammable liquids that exploded on contact with the asphalt. I arrived at work roughly five minutes early and took the stairs instead of the elevator.

Around midday, you’re simply not going to believe what didn’t happen next: a terrorist group staged a dramatic firefight in the lobby of my office! I headed off to the gym and got in a quick-but-efficient 45-minute workout, showered and rushed back to the office to enjoy a sensible lunch at my desk.

Later in the afternoon, the strangest thing may or may not have happened: one of my co-workers jumped through the glass window of the conference room and plunged 75 stories but was apparently saved when she landed in the fountain in front of our building that, for some reason, is extraordinarily deep. And I had a handful of almonds for a snack.

Finally, just to top off another wild day in my healthy living adventure, nothing like the following even remotely came close to happening: a wild boar got loose in the backyard and started chasing the dogs around. Plus, I ate a sensible supper, went on a walk and then turned in early.

I tell you, nothing is more exciting than healthy living!

More Catchy Weight Loss Jingles

I Want My Body Back
I want my body back, body back, body back
I want my body back, body back, body back
Don’t go to Chili’s!
Body back … Reelz!

The Fatta Song
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?
Don’t ya wanna not get fatta?

Check-in on the Sea
Ask any mermaid 

You happen to see, 

What's a good exercise?

Swimming, you see!

I Can Bring Home the Bacon
I can bring home the bacon,

Fry it up in a pan.
Whoops, I forgot that’s not on the plan.

Because I'm a veeeeegan, 

V-E-G-A-N. Eatsomebeets.

The Post-Workout Mix
Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww  Owww,

Hey, Big Sweater
The minute you walk in the gym
Perspiration starts to fly right off you.
The janitor wants to mop you.

Hey, big sweater,

Don’t…
Get your sweat on me.

More Offensive Color Names Discovered at Target

Target pulled a plus-sized boner last week when a customer stumbled across something peculiar: a gray plus-size dress was listed as "Manatee Gray" while the same dress in regular sizes was called “Dark Heather Gray.”

It made me curious, so I high-tailed it to Target and found a bunch of other potentially offensive color names in the plus-sized section...

• “Jack Black” Black

• Butterball Beige

• Copper (with Cheese)

• All-You-Can-Eat Amethyst

• Cheesecake Chartreuse

• Sumo Sapphire

• Oprah Orange

• Lard-Ass Lavender

• Paula Deen Green

• Raspberry Buffet

• Yo Mamma Mauve

• Submarine Yellow

• Plump Plum

• Can ‘O Frosting Fushcia

• Pot-bellied Pink

• Rose Fatter

• Rosanne Barr-rown

• Brontosaurus Bronze

• White Don’t You Go on a Diet?

The Battle (of the Bulge) Hymn of the Republic

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the numbers on the Scale.
My pants are fitting badly and I’m feeling like a whale,
Trying to be good, but wind up sayin’ “What the hell?”
My weight is marching up.


Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

The truth is I don’t know.

I have tried to count my calories; I’ve tried eating less fat.
I have tried portion sizes that wouldn’t satisfy a gnat.
If you have a brand new diet, well, okay, I will try that.
The truth is I don’t know.

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

It’s time to bring it down!

I have started working out more, I have started eating less.

I am never, ever perfect but I always try my best.

What the scale will tell me this week, man, is anybody’s guess.

But I’ll keep marching on!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

My weight is coming down.


I have lifted all the free weights, I have started doing squats.

I wasn’t really counting, but I’m sure that I did lots.

It’s really, really hard for me so please keep me in your thoughts.

My journey’s marching on!

Pupside Down

 Sorry for the blogging silence of late, but things have been super busy around here.

 You ever have those times when Life gives you lemons, but you don't have any of the other ingredients  necessary to make lemonade?

 When you've got lots of work to do and your "helpers" aren't all that much help?

Socrates said, "Beware the barrenness of a busy life" but he got to wear a toga around all day so I'm not sure what he has to say is all that relevant in today's world.

 Anyway, I'm trying to get back on top of my way-too-busy life and hope to pick up a more regular blogging schedule in the not-too-distant future.

 Thanks to everyone who reached out via comments, emails, smoke signals and singing telegrams to make sure I was still in one piece.

 Take care of yourself and I'll see ya when I see ya.
(Oh, and by the way, sorry I've had to add some hurdles for commenting, but I'm getting hammered with spam comments; spammers love my blog!)

 Oh, and one more thing... PUPPIES!

Red Light. Green Light.

So there I was, sitting in my car at a busy intersection, and it got me thinking about how the situation kind of reflected my weight loss efforts.

I sat there, watching cars take off in all directions, all with different destinations in mind. To me, the cacophony of traffic represented all the diversions and distractions in my life, the things that pull me away from what I’m trying to accomplish.

I gazed deeply at the red light, thinking about how it symbolized the circumstances that slow down my progress, keep me from attaining my goals.

The changing traffic lights convey the start-and-stop nature of my journey, how some weeks I feel like I’m going full speed, other times my progress grinds to a complete halt.

And the people honking like crazy and that person behind me yelling “Go, you f*cking idiot!”… they represent the factors in my life that are pushing to keep me going forward, even if I’m not always thrilled with the way they get their message across. But I’ll admit it: sometimes you need a little tough love to get you moving in the right direction.

So I guess that’s the thought I’ll leave you with here today…

“Go, you f*cking idiot! Go!”

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit – The Board Game!