Showing posts with label doctor seuss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor seuss. Show all posts

Monday, January 9, 2017

Jackie Hears a Wha?

On the 15th of May, in a restaurant of Thai
In the hour of his lunch, his plate piled sky-high.
He was eating… enjoying a buffet devastation.
When Jackie the blogger boy had a revelation.

Ol’ Jackie stopped chewing,
He looked like a dum-dum.
“That’s funny,” thought Jackie.
“A noise from my tum-tum.”

Then he heard it again!
Just a very faint shout
As if some tiny person
Were cussing him out.

“What’s the prob?” muttered Jackie.
“And just what are you? What?”
As he listened to the noise
And rubbed a hand on his gut.
He heard a small sizzle, like some kind of fire
That came from inside an industrial fryer.

“I say!” murmured Jackie. “I’ve got a few questions.
What’s a small spark of fire doing in my intestines?
Why is it there when it wasn’t there prior?
There must some reason for that small spark of fire!
Maybe a manifestation of my hopes and fears.
Perhaps it’s a message that’s just for my ears.”

Turns out that it wasn’t a fire at all.
Or a tiny little person making a call.
It was just that I’d eaten with way too much zeal.
Chowing down on my thai food at my midday meal.
Just shoveling it in my piehole faster and faster.
My body was saying, “Slow down, you dumb bastard.”

It’s a lesson I just thought that I should mention.
You should listen when your body tries to get your attention.
Eat what you should, let good health be your guide.
And enjoy peace and quiet (at least from inside).





Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Azz

One day, on Fitness Flats,
There came an impasse,
With a Weight-Losing Azz
And a Weight-Gaining Azz.

And it happened that both of them were in a rut.
They were stuck. There they stood.
Face to Face. Gut to gut.

“Look here, now!” the Weight-Losing Azz said, “I say!
You are blocking my path. I’ve a workout today.
I’m a Weight-Losing Azz and though I’m stuck at this weight.
If I keep doing right, the results will be great.”

“That’s a dumb way to think!” snapped the Weight-Gaining Azz.
“You’re exercising too much, it’s affecting your mass.
You should do it MY way!  Just rest and have faith
That the scale doesn’t notice all the food that you ateth.”

Then the Weight-Losing Azz shook his head side to side.
“I never,” he said, “want to live extra-wide.
And I’ll prove to you that working out works.
Plus it provides you with energy and other great perks!”

“And I’ll prove to YOU,” yelled the Weight-Losing Azz,
“That I’ll lose weight without all that sweat-sweating jazz.
I know I can do it! I can manage my bigness
Without running and lifting and that sort of fitness.
Never sweat! That’s my rule. Never get yourself sweaty!
Never yuck up your clothes! Never smell like a Yeti!
I’ll stay here, not sweating! I can and you’ll witness.
I can lose weight without bothering with fitness.”

Well...
Of course his weight didn’t stand still. His weight grew.
He gained back what he’d lost before he was through.
But the other Azz kept on working, true to his word.

And his health got much better (tho his blog’s still absurd).

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Jax in Slacks

Jax.
Slacks.
6-packs.
Lax.

Jax in slacks.
Relax with six-packs.
Jax’s slacks get too tight.
Time for Jax to face facts.
Time for Jax to try to diet.

Jax in slacks.
Diets and tracks.
Eat less foodstuff cooked in grease.
Portion sizes must decrease.
No one wants wants to live obese.

Jax in slacks
Still are tighter.
Jax has had to pay the piper.
Needs to be a brighter dieter.
Workouts need to be more hyper.
Weigh-in puts him 2 lbs. lighter.

Jax makes pacts
To eat more low-fat.
Got a salad that he’ll pick at.
Bad habits, yeah you gotta kick that.
Time to not be such a thick brat.

Jax in slacks
That’re getting looser.
Drinking juice juiced from a juicer.
Plans to make no more excuse, sir.
Jax is mighty sweat-inducer.
But pretty piss-poor Dr. Seuss-er.



THE DAILY SCALEY
No, that's not a note card with my weight printed
out on it; it was birthday weekend... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Friday, March 2, 2012

The Doctor Is In...

In honor (wait... honor may not be the exactly right word in this instance) of the official birthday of Dr. Seuss, I've collected all my well-intentioned rip-offs in one place. Enjoy!

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose


The Beetches

The Cat in the Fat

Lean Legs and Ass


Sh*twick the Big-Bottomed Goof

Oh, The Changes You Can Change

How The Binge Stole Fit-Mas

The Lardass

And if that doesn't leave you sufficiently entertained/inspired, then head over to the Anytime Health site and check out my newest contribution, The Slimshank Redemption.

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