Jackie Hears a Wha?

On the 15th of May, in a restaurant of Thai

In the hour of his lunch, his plate piled sky-high.

He was eating… enjoying a buffet devastation.

When Jackie the blogger boy had a revelation.

Ol’ Jackie stopped chewing,

He looked like a dum-dum.

“That’s funny,” thought Jackie.

“A noise from my tum-tum.”

Then he heard it again!

Just a very faint shout

As if some tiny person

Were cussing him out.

“What’s the prob?” muttered Jackie.

“And just what are you? What?”

As he listened to the noise

And rubbed a hand on his gut.

He heard a small sizzle, like some kind of fire

That came from inside an industrial fryer.

“I say!” murmured Jackie. “I’ve got a few questions.

What’s a small spark of fire doing in my intestines?

Why is it there when it wasn’t there prior?

There must some reason for that small spark of fire!

Maybe a manifestation of my hopes and fears.

Perhaps it’s a message that’s just for my ears.”

Turns out that it wasn’t a fire at all.

Or a tiny little person making a call.

It was just that I’d eaten with way too much zeal.

Chowing down on my thai food at my midday meal.

Just shoveling it in my piehole faster and faster.

My body was saying, “Slow down, you dumb bastard.”

It’s a lesson I just thought that I should mention.

You should listen when your body tries to get your attention.

Eat what you should, let good health be your guide.
And enjoy peace and quiet (at least from inside).

Jack Fish, Sh*t Fish,

Jack fish,
Sh*t fish,
Fat fish, fit fish,

Large fish, obese fish,
Time-for-this-to-cease fish.

This one has a lot of mass.

This one has a giant ass.

Say! These fish need to change things fast.


Yes. Some are fitter, and some just starting.
Some count cals and some are charting.

Some are sad, and some are glad,

And some are very, very bad.

Why are they sad and glad and bad?
Cuz of the weigh-ins they just had.
 


Some are fat, and some are fatter.

All are climbing the same ladder.

From there to here,

From here to there,

We weight losers are everywhere.


Here are some who like to run.

They run for fun in the hot, hot sun.

Oh me! Oh my! Oh my! Oh me!

What a running potpourri! 

Some run kilometers and some run miles.

Some with grimaces, some with smiles.

They don their shoes most every day.

And then they run a long, long way.

Some are fast. Some are slow.
(The slow ones pass me, don’t you know?) 

Not one of them is like another.

But still they run a little futher.



Say! Look at his lunges!

One, two, three...

How many lunges do I see?

One, two, three, four,

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

He did eleven!

Eleven! That is something new.

I wish I had done eleven, too!



Schwike! 

Schwike! 

Schwike!

Do you ever ride a Bike?
Do you know how good riding feels?

I have a unicycle that has two wheels!

And I know a man named Mister Pike.

Mr. Pike has a really expensive bike.
So... if you’re rich and if you like
You can hike on a bike like Mister Pike.
 



Who am I? My name is Jack
.
I used to drink beer by the pack.

This is no good for staying svelte.

My gut stuck out beyond my belt.

And when I sucked it in,
Oh, Dear!

It made me drink another beer!
 


Hello there, Jack.
How do you do?

Tell me, tell me what is new?

How are things on your little diet?

What is new? Please don’t keep quiet!

I do not like this diet a bit.

I cannot eat a banana split!

Fruits, veggies, whole wheat grain
.
Oh! What a plan! Oh! What a pain!



Oh bleep, oh bleep! I cannot sleep.

I’ve counted seven million sheep.

I drank a quart of chamomile tea.

And still there is no Z's for me.

Say look! Perhaps you could try to wean
Yourself off all of that caffeine
Which comes from all that coffee'n.


I ate a plum, my blog is dumb.

I like to chew sugar-free gum.

I did a run, my workout’s done.

My workout’s done, I did a run.

I like to chew sugar-free gum.

My blog is dumb, I ate a plum.

And now my story’s told, old chum.



Went to the gym. I look a swim.

In the next lane a dude called Jim.
Working out with lots of vim.
Churning water with his limb.
Looking very fit and trim.

Why can’t I do this more like him?



I do not like this one so well.

Walks the treadmill on her cell.
Working out with some frustration
Trying to ignore her conversation.
It’s hard to find your workout zone
When fools are yakking on the phone.

At our house we eat some fruit.

We like to eat a lot of fruit.

To look good in our birthday suit.

Eating fruit is very good.

Fill your snoot with fruit? You should.



I like to tweet. How I like to tweet.

So every day I tweet what I eat.

Wheats or meats, I tweet my eats.

My tweets on eats just can’t be beat.




Did you ever hike to a mountaintop?

Did you ever dance ‘til you were about to drop?
Have you made a life improvement plan?

Well, you can do it. You know you can.

If you haven’t, you should hasten.

These things take time, and time’s a’wastin’.



Hello, hello. Are you there?

Hello!
I called you up to say hello.

Can you call back?

Can you hear me, Jack?

Oh no, I cannot hear your call.

I cannot hear your call at all.

This is not good, and I know why.

I’m on the treadmill at the gym, goodbye!




And now, so long…
I’m off to jog.
Then I will log this on my blog. 

Today is gone. This post was fun.

Tomorrow is another one…

Remember: every day,
From here to there.

Healthy things are everywhere.

THE DAILY SCALEY

Cutting back on the green eggs and ham...

If I Ran the Store

“It's a good store, I’ll admit,” said young Jackie McSh*t,
“And there’s healthy stuff there if you know what to get.
But if I ran the place,”
Said Jackie with glee.
“I believe that’d I’d make a few changes, you see…”

“The cupcakes and cookies and that kind of stuff
Are tasty but aren’t really healthy enough.
You can get all that crap at any ol’ grocery,
But my store will have wholesome foods (mostly).”

“A rack full of donuts is awfully calorious,
So I’d replace it with fresh fruit so glorious.
Apples and cherries,
Kumquats and berries,
No one’ll believe all the fruit my store carries.
This store-keeper, more-keeper should be plumb rich,
Because he is one focused, health-driven sumbitch.”

My fit store, McSh*t store’s the store of the year.
My fit store, McSh*t store will make people cheer
For the exotic cheeses and imported beer.

I’ll get for my store a whole row of bins,
Filled with all sorts of health-helping odds and ends
Lentils and rice, beans and granola.
Bins full of oil, olive and canola,
Each with it’s own special cupola.
If you want it, do I carry it? Oh yeah!

But that’s just the first aisle,
There’s more and you want it.
You’ll see me next day in my store-keeper’s bonnet
Wheeling in a long table with fresh veggies on it.

You’ll be so surprised you might swallow your tongue.
When you see how much produce my storeroom has sprung.
Everything fresh, all tender and young.
Shipped overnight from lands way off yonder.
How can the prices be this low, you may ponder.

“Yes, my prices are slit,”
Said young Jackie McSh*t.
“Because it’s my belief
You’ve a right to be healthy.
Even if you’re not
So incredibly wealthy.
You should have a  place
That’s quite easy to get to.
And won’t cost a bundle
To help you get fit, too.”

I’ll discourage ingredients that no one can spell,
Like calcium stearoyl-2-lactylate-ell.
I promise to keep my shelves
Completely unblemished,
With foodstuffs prepared
By a committee of chemists.

Yes, my store will include
All sorts of good food.
The best healthy choices
That you’ve ever viewed.
And none of the employees
You meet will be rude.
(Except for the sushi chef…
What’s with that dude?)

Italian food, Indian, Chinese, Hispanic.
A selection of good choices simply gigantic.
And everything 110% organic.
We’ll ring you up, and hey… this is fantastic!
Our paper bags are made from recycled plastic.

Wow, you will cheer, at this store that you chose.
It’s better than Whole Foods, it kills Trader Joe’s.
That’s what Jackie McSh*t said.
“I’d do that and more.
I’d make a few changes if I ran the store.”

THE DAILY SCALEY

Dammit! Forgot to weigh this morning. 

Jax in Slacks

Jax.
Slacks.
6-packs.
Lax.

Jax in slacks.
Relax with six-packs.
Jax’s slacks get too tight.
Time for Jax to face facts.
Time for Jax to try to diet.

Jax in slacks.
Diets and tracks.
Eat less foodstuff cooked in grease.
Portion sizes must decrease.
No one wants wants to live obese.

Jax in slacks
Still are tighter.
Jax has had to pay the piper.
Needs to be a brighter dieter.
Workouts need to be more hyper.
Weigh-in puts him 2 lbs. lighter.

Jax makes pacts
To eat more low-fat.
Got a salad that he’ll pick at.
Bad habits, yeah you gotta kick that.
Time to not be such a thick brat.

Jax in slacks
That’re getting looser.
Drinking juice juiced from a juicer.
Plans to make no more excuse, sir.
Jax is mighty sweat-inducer.
But pretty piss-poor Dr. Seuss-er.

THE DAILY SCALEY

No, that's not a note card with my weight printed
out on it; it was birthday weekend... DON'T JUDGE ME!

The Doctor Is In...

In honor (wait... honor may not be the exactly right word in this instance) of the official birthday of Dr. Seuss, I've collected all my well-intentioned rip-offs in one place. Enjoy!

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose


The Beetches

The Cat in the Fat

Lean Legs and Ass


Sh*twick the Big-Bottomed Goof

Oh, The Changes You Can Change

How The Binge Stole Fit-Mas

The Lardass

And if that doesn't leave you sufficiently entertained/inspired, then head over to the Anytime Health site and check out my newest contribution, The Slimshank Redemption.