Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Lardass

By Dr. Sh*t

At the far end of the wall

Where old photographs rest.

In the back of the house near the
Room for our guests,
Hangs the very worst picture
Anyone every possessed.

It’s the Portrait of
The Lazy Lardass.

And there in that photograph,
Some people say,

If you look deep enough
You can still see, today,

Where the Lardass once smiled

His “Don’t-look-at-me” grimace,

Before something transformed
The Lardass’ bigness.

What was the Lardass?

Why was he so obese?

And how did he make his
Poor body decrease
From that photograph in that
Uncomfortable pose?

The old Blog-ler dwells here now.

Ask him. He knows.

Go to the blog of the Blog-ler.

Just click on his link.
It’s not his real name,
But you can call him Jack St*nk.

He writes every night,
Crafting posts very cleverly.

He laughs at his own jokes, 

While munching on celery.

And about once a day,

He describes how
His fat vanished.
He blogs his whole story,

How the Lardass was banished.

He'll tell you, perhaps...
if you're willing to stay.

It all started way back...

Such a long, long time back...

Way back in the days when
The Cheetos were still eaten.
And beers were still swilled

By a big chubby cretin.
When all kinds of bad stuff
Wound up on his plate.
When he couldn’t control
What he did or he ate. 

And he loved to melt cheese!

The Velvetta cheese!

The bright-orange hunks of 

That Velvetta cheese!

Melted atop pile after pile of
Fries from the deep freeze.

And there by the fries, 

See the Brown Piz-za-Rolls,

Looking so good in their
Piz-Za-Roll bowls.

There right beside a plate
Of sweet Donut-ty Holes. 

But that cheese! That cheese!

That Velvetta cheese!
He’d buy a big box and eat all
That he’d please.

The taste of that cheese

So rich and so processed,
All melted on chips on
His plate on the armrest.

In no time at all, he had built
Quite a gut.
Had transferred pounds of Velvetta

Down onto his butt.

Then one day he stopped,
His brain went ga-Zump!
He looked.
And saw that his body
Was just a big lump.
He was just about as wide
As mom’s minivan.
Describe him? That’s easy.
He was the Michelin Man.

Then one day he decided,
That his frame was too weighty.
He started to blog and turned his
Life around one-eighty.
A week full of workouts while
He stopped eating biscuits,
Had lead to his weight falling
By double digits.

Still, he was squishy. And softish.

And plumpish. And assy.

And his body talked to him
In a voice sharp and nasty.

“Mister! it said with a gluttoneous wheeze,

I am the Lardass. I speak for the Cheese.

I speak for the Cheese,
For the Cheese is the boss.
And I'm telling you, sir,
We’re upset at this loss!”

He was very pissed off as he
Flittered and flogged--

“What's that THING you've
Blogged on your blog?”

“Look, Lardass,” Jack said.
“Don’t go wetting your pants.
This may not work out,
But I’m taking that chance.

I'm gonna keep going.
This blog’s called Jack Sh*t.
Cuz ‘Jack Sh*t’s’ what I know
About getting more fit.

“It’s a blog. It’s a diary.
It’s an anchor. It’s a guide.

It’s a way to reach down to
The healthy person inside.

I use it for inspiration.
For guidance. For jokes.

For the opportunity to help
Other fat folks.”

The Lardass said,
You are dumb as a log.

There is no one on earth

Who would read that fool blog!”

But the Lardass was wrong,
Jack proved he was demented.

For, just a few days later,
A commenter commented.

She thought that Jack’s blog post
Was great for over-eaters,
And promised to talk it up
To other potential blog readers.

Jack laughed at the Lardass,
“You poor stupid cretin!

You never can tell what
Some people are readin’.”


Jack didn’t want to live fatter.
He most truly did not.

He had to grow fitter.
So fitter he got.

He fittered his arms.
He fittered his thighs.

He fittered his bottom.
He fittered his size.

He fittered his body,
North, south, east and west.
He wasn’t always perfect,
But he did try his best.

He went right on fittering...
Getting more and more fit.

And if you think he’s done fittering,
You don’t know Jack Sh*t.

The Lardass said nothing.
Just gave Jack a gaze...

And promised he’d see him again
One of these days.

But Jack is intent
To be rid of that rascal.

He’s dug a deep moat
To protect his new castle.

And the door boasts a sign
With just one word:  “UNLESS”
To remind those inside
That you don’t want to regress.
The Lardass would love to
Leave you with new messes,

Unless we continue to build
On our successes.

It’s been a long journey,

But each day since that day,

Jack’s worked really hard to
Keep the Lardass away.

And now there’s more things he can do
Than things he cannot.

So he’ll keep pushing forward

With all that he’s got.

And now, says the Blog-ler,

It’s time you did your part
The Lardass may have your body,
But he can’t touch your heart.

UNLESS you start

Giving healthy living a shot,

You’re not going to get fitter.

You’re not.


"Catch!" calls the Blog-ler.

Something falls to my knees.

It's a Velvetta box.

But it’s missing the cheese.

(What were you expecting?
Some Truffula Seeds?)

And no Velvetta cheese is what everyone needs.

It’s your only body.
Treat it with care.

Give it plenty of water.
Feed it fresh fare.

Grow more fit.
Be just like Jack.

Then the Lardass and his lazy ways

Will never come back.



  1. This was a fantastic read after a long morning. Thanks Jack!


  2. LOVE this. Off to tweet about it.

  3. Your gift for prose astounds me. Continually. You make Dr. Seuss proud. He's rhyming in his grave.
    "Down here in the ground, deep in worm sh*t,
    I'm so very proud of Jack Sh*t Gettin Fit!"

  4. I am totally going to fitter my arms and legs. Heck, I may just fitter my whole family!

  5. Excellent Excellent Excellent.

    As usual. Vee at

  6. OMG I absolutely LOVE THIS!!! Im going to print it out and post it here in front of me to make me smile!

  7. What a fun and fantastic post!!!

  8. *** WOW !!! ***

    File this one in your "Least Sh*tty Posts" folder!


  9. this is really deep jack (ugh maybe thats not the best thing to say considering). i mean deep in a good way :-) "Miss Belly Fat" and I still battle it out. As many times as I kick her sorry butt out the door, she finds a way back in. Maybe she will someday move on to wherever lardass went :-)

  10. You are half the man you used to be. In a good way. I slobber at your feet, cuz you are so Neat!

  11. This is awesome. I hope you are a writer in real life!

    BTW love your comment. A while ago I dreamed you showed up at a cocktail party in our little town. Don't worry, you were slim and not wearing sequins. And you did not drink too much.



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