Wednesday, March 30, 2016


Thanks to the times
That I’ve given up,
My trousers are all way too small.
And now that I’ve come
To that realization.
There's something
I must say out loud…
I’ve been once, twice,
Three times as weighty.
Yes, I was once, twice,
Three times as weighty
Cuz I loved food.

But I got it together
With workouts quite hellish,
Raising the beat of my heart.
I run more, I lift more.
I do more, I live more.

There’s nothing I eat I don’t chart.
Now I’m once, twice,
Three times as healthy
And I love me.
I love me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016


Kaw-Li-Jack was an unhealthy Indian 
With a too-big gut.
He fell in love with cheese and wine
And other yummy stuff.

Just sat there and never moved one bit.

So he could never get hisself more fit.

He always wore too-tight buckskins and liked his food greasy.

He had to go on Amazon and order an extra-large teepee. 


Too stubborn to ever fix his diet,

Because his heart was set on cherry pie.


Poor ol' Kaw-Li-Jack
He never did get fit.

Poor ol' Kaw-Li-Jack
It makes him feel like sh*t.

Is it any wonder
Why he’s got this gut?

Kaw-Li-Jack, that poor ol' blubber butt.

Then one day a curious notion
Entered his Indian head.

He wanted to eat a piece of pie,
But exercised instead.


Just stands there as sweaty as can be.

He’s ready to get a lil’ more healthy.


Way to go, Kaw-Li-Jack
He’s on a get-fit quest.

Healthy Kaw-Li-Jack
He’s finally doing his best.

Is it any wonder

Since he got out of that rut?

Kaw-Li-Jack, that former blubber butt.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Should You Try to Lose Weight?

Pro: You feel better and wake up each day with more energy and vitality.
Con: You no longer get full value at all-you-can-eat buffet.

Pro: Can run several miles without stopping.
Con: Used to be able to fall to sleep more easily (basically, any time you sat down)

Pro: Don’t have to buy strangely branded clothes in plus-size stores.
Con: Lot of coupons for Hostess snack products just sitting there going to waste.

Pro: Blood pressure and cholesterol numbers reduced.
Con: Gravy no longer available at every meal.

Pro: Prevention of Type 2 diabetes.
Con: Require more water when you take a bath.

Pro: Probability that you’ll live longer.
Con: More stinky laundry from workout wear.

Pro: Less self-conscious at the beach.
Con: Constant compliments about how good you look might start to make you feel uncomfortable.

Pro: Better *boom chaka boom boom*
Con: Ass groove in sofa might no longer be quite as comfortable.

Pro: No longer disgusted when you see my reflection in mirror.
Con: Miss relationship you had with guy that owns Chinese restaurant on the corner.

Pro: Fun trying to get to the end of the treadmill.
Con: No more fun trying to get to the end of Olive Garden’s "Bottomless Breadstick Basket".

Pro: Fewer health problems.

Con: Have kick-ass health insurance program and no opportunity to use it.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Pants All Loose

Take your jeans off of the shelf 
And try to slip them on your self.
Gasp as they slide o’er your butt, 
And smile as the clasp buttons shut.

Now there’s no excuse,
With our pants all loose.
We feel good, by Zeus. 

When I, 
you and all of our friends, too 
Could believe, do 
Just what we had to.
I said: Pants all loose now. 

Take your jeans all from the closet,
And marvel when you see they all fit.
And take your blue jeans from the drawer.  
Put ‘em on and dance some more
We would shake our caboose 
With our pants all loose 

We were through with body abuse. . . . 
Cuz I, you and all of our friends, too 
Could believe and do just what we had to. 

I said: Pants all loose now.

Pants all loose.
 Pants all loose. Now. 
Try some new jeans on for size.
They’re no longer squeezin’ on your thighs.
Cuz you don’t eat McD’s French fries
You’re doing good,

So good for you.
You’re doing good,
So good for you. 

And you’re doing good,

And good for you.

We were happy fools,
With our pants all loose.

We were layin’ off booze. . . . 

Yes, I 

You and all of our friends, too 
Could believe and do just what we have to. 

I said: “Pants all loose” now.

Pants all loose 

pants all loose.
Pants all loose, now
Pants all loose.
Pants all loose, now.
Pants all loose.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

How to Stay Incredibly Healthy on the Road!

• It's easy to turn a hotel iron into a kettlebell; simply weld a large metal ball to the flat end of the iron. Voilá!

• Mini-bar keys are generally very small, so just go ahead and swallow it so you're not tempted.

• Encourage everyone at your departure gate at the airport to participate in a spontaneous Zumba session.

• Paying $7 for a lukewarm can on the plane will make you subconsciously start hating beer a little.

• You can turn the desk in your hotel room into a treadmill by finding someone who's interested in trading a treadmill for a hotel desk.

• If you're a passenger on a long car trip, stand up through the sunroof. No, there's nothing particularly healthy about it, but it feels like you're running really, really fast.

• There's no place better for a relaxing stretching session than the floor of a truck stop restroom.

• If you’re confronted by scary looking would-be muggers, it’s good exercise to run away from them as fast as you can

• Ask concierge how many lobby laps equals 5K.

• Pack healthy snacks like rice cakes, apple slices, baby carrots and... oh who am I kidding? You're not going to do that...

Monday, March 7, 2016

Marching On

Mine eyes have seen the horror of the numbers on the Scale.
My pants are fitting badly and I’m feeling like a whale,
Trying to be good, but wind up sayin’ “What the hell?”
My weight is marching up.

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! How to lose weight!

The truth is I don’t know.

I have tried to count my calories; I’ve tried eating less fat.
I have tried portion sizes that wouldn’t satisfy a gnat.
If you have a brand new diet, well, okay, I will try that.
The truth is I don’t know.

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! Help me lose weight!

It’s time to bring it down!

I have started working out more, I have started eating less.

I am never, ever perfect but I always try my best.

What the scale will tell me this week, man, is anybody’s guess.

But I’ll keep marching on!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

Oh me! Oh me! I will lose weight!

My weight is coming down.

I have lifted all the free weights, I have started doing squats.

I wasn’t really counting, but I’m sure that I did lots.

It’s really, really hard for me so please keep me in your thoughts.

My journey’s marching on!


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