Wednesday, December 31, 2014

My Healthy Living Achievements for 2014

• Can still wear the same sweatpants I got married in over 25 years ago.

• Joined a fitness center (now if I could just remember which one it was…)

• Started taking the stairs at the office instead of making an intern give me a piggy-back ride up them.

• Ruined a couple of fun camping outings by hiking.

• Switched from drinking regular to diet sno-cone syrup.

• Went to an all-you-can-eat buffet and didn’t eat all I could eat.

• Finally got my wife Anita to quit saying I do “girl push-ups”. I TOLD YOU, THEY’RE “LADY PUSH-UPS!”

• Made my own water bottle by… ummm… okay, I just filled a bottle with water.

• Celebrated fact that my blog was read by millions of people over the past year (well, I’m just assuming… I forgot my Google Analytics password).

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

My Healthy Living Regrets from Last Year

• Nasty knot in laces of my running shoes kept me from participating in any 5K races.

• Haven’t been able to locate an exact duplicate of myself so that we can split a gym membership.

• Wife won’t let me make my “Healthy Kale Casserole” anymore because (1) it uses an entire block of Velvetta cheese and (2) it doesn’t have any kale in it.

• Didn’t complete my quest to be able to do 25 chin-ups at one time (still holding at “almost one”)

• Made a personal trainer laugh, cry and vomit all during one session.

• Signed up for spinning class, but went to wrong room (just a bunch of people riding bicycles).

• Discount food-tracking app I downloaded counted gallon of banana pudding as 15 calories.

• According to Google Analytics, the Pope still doesn’t read my blog.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Commitment is My Middle Name (Actually, it's "Franklin")

How committed am I?, you ask...

  • I am 1,000,000% committed
  • I will work 25/8/366 …that’s right, 25 hours a day, eight days a week, 366 days a year (except for Leap Year, in which I will work 367 days!)
  • I believe there is no “i” in “failure”
  • I am so committed, I make a couple’s 50th wedding anniversary look like a first date
  • I ripped the page with “quit” on it out of the dictionary (can somebody help me spell quintecential, quentisental, quentasential…grrrrrr)
  • There’s an old saying: “An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.” Well, I’m going to deliver 10 gallons of performance, which is worth, like, 100 pounds of promises.
  • I’m getting a tattoo that says “Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek” on my ring finger.
  • I am infinity times infinity plus infinity committed
  • If I wrote a hip-hop song, it would be called “Committed 2 My B*tches,” because 1) it needs to have a naughty word in the title in order for it to be successful and 2) it’s a love story.
  • If commitment could be represented as a color, I would be crimson-violet with a streak of teal.
  • Suicide bombers write to me all the time and ask “Damn, how can I be as committed as you, brother?”
  • Consider a breakfast served to you of ham and eggs. The chicken is involved in the breakfast. The pig is committed. I am ten times more committed than that pig.
  • When you go to, it would redirect to this blog site if I had had the foresight to buy that domain name a few years ago when it was available.
  • If you could see my face right now, you’d see that I’m gritting my teeth in an expression of absolute total commitment.
  • I will never, ever give up… and if I do ever give do give up, I promise I will shoot myself in the face with a water gun filled with honey and stick my entire head in a fire ant hole… but I won’t because I will never, ever give up…and if I do, I’ll do the fire ant thing…but I won’t because I just won’t!*

*And if I do, FIRE ANTS!

Friday, December 26, 2014

Choo-Choo-Choose Your Future!

There was once a not-so-tiny train that thought he weighed too much.

“11,000 tons?” he remarked in disgust at his previous weigh-in. “I’ve got to get back on track.”

So the next day, he chugged 1,000 miles without stopping.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

But later that week, the scale still said 11,000 tons.

“I don’t get it,” whined the train. “I’ve been working my caboose off with no results.”

The next week, he chugged 2,500 miles, including up a very steep mountain.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

Weigh-in: 11,000 tons.

“Is there nothing I can do to engineer a loss?” he asked desolately.

“Hello,” said a stranger who was wandering along the train tracks. “My name is Boxcar Jacky and I think I can help.”

“You think you can?” asked the train.

“I think I can,” repeated Boxcar Jacky. “Exercise alone isn’t always enough to lighten your load. Consider consuming fewer calories as well.”

“I’m a train, dumbass,” exclaimed the train.

“Oh yeah,” remarked Boxcar Jacky. “Well, how’s about we uncouple a few of your cars.”

They did, and the train came in at a svelte 10,500 tons at his next weigh-in.

“Lose weight?” smiled the train. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

“Great,” smiled Boxcar Jacky. “Now can I catch a ride down the line?”

“Are you kidding me?” laughed the train, taking off down the track. “I just lost 500 tons; you think I want to gain it right back?”

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Hello, Snowflake!

Here is what I believe...

Each of us is a snowflake.




Each of us moving along our own path towards our own destiny.

Each of our journeys ours to make for ourselves.

And when we work together, we create something magical and wonderful.

Oh, and yeah...

Each of us expecting to be quite a bit smaller come swimsuit season.

Go snowflake, go!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Fat Ass-trology (for the Holidays)

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Congratulations! Due to your Peppermint Mocha addiction, your picture will make the cover of Starbuck's annual report.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Excitement over your spouse getting you a membership to a fitness center is tempered by fact that it's located in deserted warehouse in worst part of town.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
Kids go to bed Christmas Eve in tears when you leave rice cakes and a glass of almond milk out for Santa.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
New Fitbit you get for Xmas confirm fact that you may indeed be in a coma.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Yes, chocolate is poisonous to dogs; however, you did NOT “save Christmas” by running around and eating every piece of candy in the house.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
They'll ask you to play Santa at the office party this year, but it's probably because they heard about how you just killed it in the role of  "Third Townsperson" back in your high school's production of Oklahoma.

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You will somehow manage to break four of your New Year's resolutions while making your list.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Yes, it gave you more time to work out at the gym, but it turns out that none of your friends or family really appreciate having their presents “wrapped” in a Hefty bag tied with a rubber band.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You and a neighbor will get in a terrible fight in which you're both at fault; you shouldn't have eaten her gingerbread house and she should have told you that it wasn't real.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You will prove yourself to be a charitable person filled with the spirit of the season when you go entire month without strangling one of those Salvation Army bell-ringers.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Your friends are all pretty health-conscious, so it's a mystery why nobody at the party cares for your egg-substitute nog.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
Good news: you finally manage to get out for a run during the holidays. Never mind that it's because your house catches on fire.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Make-Your-Own Healthy Holiday Gifts

• To make my newest invention - the KettleBelt™ - simply thread an ordinary belt with a 25-lb. kettlebell.

• Got a sharp pocketknife a large block of wood? There's no reason you can't whittle yourself an elliptical.

• Burn a CD of your favorite workout songs. Or since you've shown you don't mind giving stolen goods, why not go to the mall and shoplift something nice?

• Got a bicyclist on your list? They really appreciate the gift of not hitting them with your car when you're out driving.

• Gift certificate for me to sit on person's feet while they do sit-ups.

• Make a healthy food gift basket by filling a gift basket with healthy food, dumbass.

• You can make a quart of homemade Kombucha soda if there's someone on your holiday list that you truly detest.

• As always, a subscription to my blog lets that special someone know just how much you care.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Jack Dammit!

• Dammit! Didn't realize ten 100-calorie packs would be 1,000 calories!

• Dammit! Thought I'd filled bottle with zero-calorie Gatorade but it turned out to be raspberry sno-cone syrup!

• Dammit! Thought I was being smart by going with discount food-tracking app, but turns out that it counts 2-gallon jar of chunky peanut butter as 7 calories!

• Dammit! Pre-paid for six weeks of personal training from guy who doesn't know what a bicep curl is!

• Dammit! Turns out my 5k trail is actually .5k!

• Dammit! Did 35 minutes on the stationary treadmill and didn't even break a sweat!

• Dammit! Nobody ever told me you're not supposed to have feet on the ground when doing chin-ups!

• Dammit! Promised to cut back on alcohol before I realized that "vodka" was alcohol!

• Dammit! I've already broken several of my New Year's resolutions!

• Dammit! Nobody thought this blog post was an entertaining as I did!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Lights, Camera, Aerobics!

Famous Movie Lines, Rewritten for the Healthy Living Crowd

• “Frankly, my dear, I won’t eat a ham.”

• “What we've got here is failure to lose the weight.”

• “E.T. phone pizza.”

  “I love the smell of napalm and hash browns in the morning.”

• “Houston, we have an eating problem.”

• “You had me at ‘Jell-O'.”

  “As God is my witness, I sure am hungry again.”

• “Say hello to my little friend! She’s lost 35 lbs.”

• “Pasta la vista, baby.”

  “Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”

• “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Only 350 calories.”

• “Carpe diet.”

• “Love means never having to say you're sorry you ate the entire wedding cake.”
• “We who are about to diet salute you!”
• “My precious… pizza rolls.”
• “You've got a real pretty mouth. And I’ve got a lot of pretty cupcakes.”
• “If I tell you what I weigh, I’ll have to kill you.”
• “Nobody puts baby back ribs in a corner.”
• “Hakuna Potato.”
• “Sugar-delic! Do I make you hungry, baby?”
“Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

• “Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel loses a pound.”

• “I wish I knew how to quit juice.”

• “Shaken, not stirred… on second thought,  I’ll have a Mango Bobango Smoothie with a vitamin boost.”

• “I see fat people.”

• “I'll be back… after my workout!”

Thursday, December 11, 2014

What Does Confush*t Say?

Confush*t say...

…person who eat too much over the holiday need to quit cold turkey.
…person who employ low-carb diet is going against the grain.
…person who drinks too much coffee has a latte problems.
…person who succeeds in diet employs mind over platter.
…person who lives life as couch potato will likely raise tater tots.
…person who eats too many donuts dozen have a good diet plan.
…person who are butter lovers generally are not better lovers.
…person who eat too many French fries find weight ketchup to them.
…person who has successful weight-loss journey find it takes breadth away.
…person who doesn’t eat Jewish food might find it too Hasidic.
…person who drinks too many fancy coffee drinks may get brewed awakening on scale.
…person who always takes salt shaker and puts more on is salt-shaking moron.
…person who eats too much at Japanese restaurant might have sake weigh-in.
…person who drops a size in pants gives sighs of relief.
…person who doesn’t like bread overcooked might be black-toast intolerant
…person who mistakes a piece of sh*t for sausage finds day taking a turd for the wurst.

Confush*t believes there are two kinds of people in this world. The first person is the one who diets and exercises religiously. The second person is the one who eats and does what they want and prays they don't gain weight.
Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Ways to Liven Up Your Workout

I can’t make going to the gym fun, but I can make going to the gym fun! (If you think that doesn’t make sense, then read on, my friend! It only goes downhill from here…)

• Have personal trainer assign you a gym nickname (mine is “Mister Creampuff”)

• Listen to music on your iPod. What? You said you already do that? OH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING! GIVE IT A REST!

• Skittlebells (that’s my invention; it’s an ordinary kettlebell with Skittles hot-glued all over it)

• Loudly talk to yourself in your own made-up language

• Make a new friend (using one of my handy, dandy Fitness Center Conversation Starters™)

            - “Look how puffy my muscles are getting!”

            - “Will you be my treadmill partner?”

            - “Hey, wanna watch me do arm curls?”

- “Will you give me an honest assessment of my glutes?”

- “Hey, you’ve got a wireless cell phone.”

- “Check out how ripped I am. Yeah, I mean my pants.”

- “I like to listen to nature sounds on my iPod when I’m on the treadmill; I can almost imagine I’m actually walking outside.”

-  “I think there’s too much ‘ham’ in my hamstring.”

- “You know what would be a cool name for an exercise: ‘The Abdominal Snowman.’”
- “I once had an out-of-body experience on that piece of equipment.”

-  “I’m just curious: what’s your social security number?”

- “Who’s the StairMaster? I’M THE STAIRMASTER!”
- “You know what this gym needs? A Moon Bounce!”
- “Aren’t these workout gloves soft? They’re made out of human skin.”
-  “Excuse me, but what’s a good exercise for your headtoid muscles?”

-  “You know, when I finish my workout, I feel just like a beautiful butterfly.”

• You’ll get a better workout from a highly motivated personal trainer, so before your session, inform her that you just slashed her tires.

• While on the treadmill, carry lit sparklers and hum The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

• Spandex everything, baby!

• When you’re at the gym, pretend that one of the other people there is a murderer. Ask questions to the people around you and see if you can guess who it is (hint: the murderer likes the elliptical).

· Work out in 3-D.


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