Fat Ass-trology (for the Holidays)

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Congratulations! Due to your Peppermint Mocha addiction, your picture will make the cover of Starbuck's annual report.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Excitement over your spouse getting you a membership to a fitness center is tempered by fact that it's located in deserted warehouse in worst part of town.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)

Kids go to bed Christmas Eve in tears when you leave rice cakes and a glass of almond milk out for Santa.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
New Fitbit you get for Xmas confirm fact that you may indeed be in a coma.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Yes, chocolate is poisonous to dogs; however, you did NOT “save Christmas” by running around and eating every piece of candy in the house.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
They'll ask you to play Santa at the office party this year, but it's probably because they heard about how you just killed it in the role of  "Third Townsperson" back in your high school's production of Oklahoma.

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You will somehow manage to break four of your New Year's resolutions while making your list.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Yes, it gave you more time to work out at the gym, but it turns out that none of your friends or family really appreciate having their presents “wrapped” in a Hefty bag tied with a rubber band.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You and a neighbor will get in a terrible fight in which you're both at fault; you shouldn't have eaten her gingerbread house and she should have told you that it wasn't real.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You will prove yourself to be a charitable person filled with the spirit of the season when you go entire month without strangling one of those Salvation Army bell-ringers.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Your friends are all pretty health-conscious, so it's a mystery why nobody at the party cares for your egg-substitute nog.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
Good news: you finally manage to get out for a run during the holidays. Never mind that it's because your house catches on fire.

More Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You'll realize you have a problem when you hear "Why did you eat that gingerbread house? It was just for decoration!" for the third time this holiday season.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You go for a walk wearing a white track suit and kids start screaming "Ayyyyyy! A snowman came to life!" 

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)

Good news: you'll manage to keep all of your upcoming New Year's resolutions. Bad news: only resolutions are not to eat any prunes  and not to wear any clothes made out of seal-skin.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
You've got some explaining to do to your kids on Christmas morning when your kids find letter from Santa that reads "Who ate my damn cookies?"

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Expect not to get invited to any more holiday parties after what is hereafter referred to as "The Deviled Egg Incident".

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You'll experience a major bummer when your hyration-pack-full-of-eggnog experiment fails spectacularly.

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Realize New year diet is off to a bad start when you read in the paper that  Dunkin Donuts is planning to open new location in your living room.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
After using it for three months, you realize that the app you downloaded to track your calories counts a king-sized box of Milk Duds as 10 calories.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You realize you've hired the wrong personal trainer when he refuses to wear any pants during session.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Your vow to quit drinking diet cola faces a tough obstacle when you have a sudden realization:  you really like diet soda!

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'd better come up with a better excuse than "I thought it was a cookie-eating contest!" or else everyone at the cookie exchange is gonna be furious with you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You will meet a handsome stranger at the train station. Did I say "handsome"? I meant "overweight". Did I say "at the train station"? I meant "in the mirror". Oh, SNAP!

Fat Ass-trology for the Holidays

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
New year's resolution looking shaky due to fact that three people have already given you membership in Ham-of-the-Month Club.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You'll tell the kids that the gingerbread house broke and fell on the floor and you had to throw it away, but you and I both know the truth.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
You'll call to try to make an appointment for workout session, but the personal trainer recognizes your voice, starts screaming and slams the phone down.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Holiday experimentation comes to an end when batista trying to make you peppermint-eggnog-gingerbread-mocha-macchiato accidentally blows up your Starbucks.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Department store will ask you to full in for sick Santa but change their mind when they realize suit would be too small.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Your blog will get an influx of traffic when it's named one of TIME magazine's "50 Worst Blogs on Earth".

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Yes, everyone at the party's going to laugh when the chair you're sitting in collapses, but keep in mind that Carl just told his really funny story about the rabbi, the Pope and President Obama.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
It's true that you probably shouldn't have eaten an entire fruitcake but your co-worker shouldn't have double dog dared you.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You'll fall asleep on recliner wearing green sweater and when you wake up, realize that the kids have hung lights and ornaments all over you.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You'll regret your decision to try ice skating when you fall down through the ice... at the skating rink.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'll decide it's finally time to get serious about your weight when you can't find a scarf that fits you.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
When they see you, Christmas carolers in front of your house will quit singing "O Holy Night"  and go into rousing chorus of "I Like Big Butts".

More Fat Ass-trology

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your spouse will surprise you with a little something that goes from zero to 200 in
two seconds flat. Unfortunately, it’s a new bathroom scale.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Going without chocolate for a week will be nothing for you. The stars are all aligned in your favor across the Milky Way. Mmmmmmm… Milky Way. Chocolate-malt nougat topped with caramel and covered with milk chocolate… who am I kidding? You’re doomed!

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
This week’s weigh-in will be marred by a tragic yet unavoidable accident. But to your credit, who expected them to be serving s’mores at church?

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Things are looking up for you this week. Unfortunately, those things are your cholesterol and blood pressure.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You might want to start thinking up a good comeback for when the waiter asks “Why did you ask for a to-go box if you were going to eat the whole thing?”

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You shouldn’t wear a red sweater this week unless you want to hear your child crying and screaming “Don’t run through my wall, Kool-Aid Man!”

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
When you think about it, it’s the food that’s “cheating” by being so damned delicious.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The scene at the all-you-can-eat buffet will be tragic, to be sure, but at least you can take comfort in the fact that you’ll be wearing your plastic pants.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
In your family, you believe that it’s a sin to waste food. However, you don’t have to be so f*ckin’ religious about it.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Expect to be plenty embarrassed this week at Target when that swimsuit you are trying on turns out to be an uninflated Moon Bounce.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Voltaire said “Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.” So it’s up to you to best play your deuce of clubs, eight of diamonds, five of hearts, Monopoly “Community Chest” card and Florida Marlin’s shortstop Hanley Ramirez’s rookie baseball card.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
The giant person you constructed out of tater tots is a sign that you need a date… and you need to start eating better… and you better pick up some more ketchup next time you’re at the store.

Fat Ass-trology

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your nothing-but-Pez diet was sound in theory, but you’ll start having second thoughts when all the funny head dispensers start taunting you using inexplicable British accents.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
I’m pleased to be able to inform you that you will lose weight this week. Unfortunately, you will find it again next week.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Sometimes you want to eat everything in your fridge and then go to town on whatever’s in your pantry. Other times, you simply want to binge.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Your personal trainer will tell you that he’s never seen anyone with your level of determination and commitment. Most of the people he works with have at least some.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You’re jealous of your neighbor’s thin and fit physique and you’ve finally decided to do something about it! You bake a sh*tload of gooey chocolate brownies and give them to her, telling her they’re really “low-cal.”

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
This week, you’ll have a call from a charity asking you to donate some of your clothes in order to help starving people throughout the world. Tell them to shove it; after all, anybody who fits into your clothes ain’t starving!

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend's car is totally covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.” “OK," says the man. “That explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” The friend replied: “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

I know, I know… that wasn’t about weight loss. Why’s everything gotta be about weight loss with you anyways?

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The good news is that you’ve managed to curb your appetite. The bad news is that you’ve curbed it at the drive in window of McDonald's.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Recent studies suggest that eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists reveal that there’s a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Simply fill your plate with bright colors–greens, reds, yellows. (Like you, I take that to mean you can have an entire bowl of M&M's).

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Hmmmm. Maybe it’s time to get serious about this weight-loss journey after all. You went out dancing last night and every time you jumped it made the band skip.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You and your spouse go on a diet that features special recipes for each meal of the day. You will follow the instructions closely, dividing each finished recipe in half. You’ll be thrilled because the food is pretty good and best of all, you’ll never felt hungry! However, after a couple of weeks of zero weight loss, you’ll realize that the recipes all say "Serves 6."

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You are the eternal optimist, always seeing your glass as half full. Unfortunately for you, it’s half full of chocolate milkshake.