More Fat Ass-trology

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your spouse will surprise you with a little something that goes from zero to 200 in
two seconds flat. Unfortunately, it’s a new bathroom scale.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Going without chocolate for a week will be nothing for you. The stars are all aligned in your favor across the Milky Way. Mmmmmmm… Milky Way. Chocolate-malt nougat topped with caramel and covered with milk chocolate… who am I kidding? You’re doomed!

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
This week’s weigh-in will be marred by a tragic yet unavoidable accident. But to your credit, who expected them to be serving s’mores at church?

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Things are looking up for you this week. Unfortunately, those things are your cholesterol and blood pressure.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You might want to start thinking up a good comeback for when the waiter asks “Why did you ask for a to-go box if you were going to eat the whole thing?”

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You shouldn’t wear a red sweater this week unless you want to hear your child crying and screaming “Don’t run through my wall, Kool-Aid Man!”

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
When you think about it, it’s the food that’s “cheating” by being so damned delicious.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The scene at the all-you-can-eat buffet will be tragic, to be sure, but at least you can take comfort in the fact that you’ll be wearing your plastic pants.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
In your family, you believe that it’s a sin to waste food. However, you don’t have to be so f*ckin’ religious about it.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Expect to be plenty embarrassed this week at Target when that swimsuit you are trying on turns out to be an uninflated Moon Bounce.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Voltaire said “Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.” So it’s up to you to best play your deuce of clubs, eight of diamonds, five of hearts, Monopoly “Community Chest” card and Florida Marlin’s shortstop Hanley Ramirez’s rookie baseball card.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
The giant person you constructed out of tater tots is a sign that you need a date… and you need to start eating better… and you better pick up some more ketchup next time you’re at the store.

Fat Ass-trology

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your nothing-but-Pez diet was sound in theory, but you’ll start having second thoughts when all the funny head dispensers start taunting you using inexplicable British accents.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
I’m pleased to be able to inform you that you will lose weight this week. Unfortunately, you will find it again next week.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Sometimes you want to eat everything in your fridge and then go to town on whatever’s in your pantry. Other times, you simply want to binge.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Your personal trainer will tell you that he’s never seen anyone with your level of determination and commitment. Most of the people he works with have at least some.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You’re jealous of your neighbor’s thin and fit physique and you’ve finally decided to do something about it! You bake a sh*tload of gooey chocolate brownies and give them to her, telling her they’re really “low-cal.”

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
This week, you’ll have a call from a charity asking you to donate some of your clothes in order to help starving people throughout the world. Tell them to shove it; after all, anybody who fits into your clothes ain’t starving!

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend's car is totally covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.” “OK," says the man. “That explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” The friend replied: “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

I know, I know… that wasn’t about weight loss. Why’s everything gotta be about weight loss with you anyways?

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The good news is that you’ve managed to curb your appetite. The bad news is that you’ve curbed it at the drive in window of McDonald's.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Recent studies suggest that eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists reveal that there’s a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Simply fill your plate with bright colors–greens, reds, yellows. (Like you, I take that to mean you can have an entire bowl of M&M's).

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Hmmmm. Maybe it’s time to get serious about this weight-loss journey after all. You went out dancing last night and every time you jumped it made the band skip.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You and your spouse go on a diet that features special recipes for each meal of the day. You will follow the instructions closely, dividing each finished recipe in half. You’ll be thrilled because the food is pretty good and best of all, you’ll never felt hungry! However, after a couple of weeks of zero weight loss, you’ll realize that the recipes all say "Serves 6."

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You are the eternal optimist, always seeing your glass as half full. Unfortunately for you, it’s half full of chocolate milkshake.