Thursday, December 3, 2009

Fat Ass-trology

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your nothing-but-Pez diet was sound in theory, but you’ll start having second thoughts when all the funny head dispensers start taunting you using inexplicable British accents.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
I’m pleased to be able to inform you that you will lose weight this week. Unfortunately, you will find it again next week.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Sometimes you want to eat everything in your fridge and then go to town on whatever’s in your pantry. Other times, you simply want to binge.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Your personal trainer will tell you that he’s never seen anyone with your level of determination and commitment. Most of the people he works with have at least some.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You’re jealous of your neighbor’s thin and fit physique and you’ve finally decided to do something about it! You bake a sh*tload of gooey chocolate brownies and give them to her, telling her they’re really “low-cal.”

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
This week, you’ll have a call from a charity asking you to donate some of your clothes in order to help starving people throughout the world. Tell them to shove it; after all, anybody who fits into your clothes ain’t starving!

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend's car is totally covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.” “OK," says the man. “That explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” The friend replied: “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

I know, I know… that wasn’t about weight loss. Why’s everything gotta be about weight loss with you anyways?

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The good news is that you’ve managed to curb your appetite. The bad news is that you’ve curbed it at the drive in window of McDonald's.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Recent studies suggest that eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists reveal that there’s a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Simply fill your plate with bright colors–greens, reds, yellows. (Like you, I take that to mean you can have an entire bowl of M&M's).

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Hmmmm. Maybe it’s time to get serious about this weight-loss journey after all. You went out dancing last night and every time you jumped it made the band skip.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You and your spouse go on a diet that features special recipes for each meal of the day. You will follow the instructions closely, dividing each finished recipe in half. You’ll be thrilled because the food is pretty good and best of all, you’ll never felt hungry! However, after a couple of weeks of zero weight loss, you’ll realize that the recipes all say "Serves 6."

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You are the eternal optimist, always seeing your glass as half full. Unfortunately for you, it’s half full of chocolate milkshake.


  1. ROFL genius! And I LOOOOOOVE milkshake....oops! my fav is curb your appetite at MD and the M&M tho...

  2. Oh dear, you were right on with my sign. And it's only chocolate milkshakes - not vanilla, not strawberry, just chocolate.

  3. First time I've ever read everyone else's sign along with my own. And I find that I fit rather nicely into Gemincemeat although I am a Cancerial by birth.

    You should be doing standup - move over, Jim Gaffigan!

  4. Hey - Jim G's best album was Beyond The Pale. Your show could be titled "Beyond the Whale"!
    Sorry to double dip!


    Just fell over it. Also on a shrinking expo ( start back in progress!)

    Will read your old posts for inspiration and consider me another fan!

    Karen from Scotland!

  6. OK, your knowledge of my PEZ addiction is just scary. But who needs the dispenser - refill packs are the way to go :(

    Crud. Alright already, if the stars are calling me out it's time to start my diet.

  7. I want to be Leoreo today! lol!

  8. LMAO
    Jack that was the best thing EVER!!!!

  9. As a "tartus", I say DAMMIT!

    Loved Librownies :-P

  10. Hilarious!
    Reeses pisces &
    hmmmm chocolate milkshake.....

  11. HAHAH so freakin funny. Areisling is me for'd you know about my love for pez dispenser that talk?

  12. Funny as always Jack!!!

    Oh, I'd love if you were weight recorder then. I could have went for a few lbs less this week lol.

  13. Wow, it's almost spooky how well you read my horror-scope.

  14. Mmmm chocolate milkshake.

    My sign said it, I can go have it rightrightright? :)

  15. Oh my, as a Virgoober, I'd say you have me pegged. Hilarious.

  16. lollol....
    I had to chase him through the park....
    sorry, imagining former me a little thrill.
    I am a pisces and just love reeses pieces....
    clairvoyant much jack? hmmmmmm.

  17. Cute! I'm a Leoreo! I like my horror-scope!

  18. I'm a tartus, and if history is any indicator, this is pretty accurate. You must be psychic. Like the Amazing Kreskin. No...the Amazing Criswell. *snickers*

  19. I just do not know where to start!!! They are all so friggin funny & even the lawyer one! That serving size one.. too funny.. well, not, cause people still don't realize that just because it is a package, it does not always mean that is 1 serving!

    Thx Jack!

  20. You are so talented Jack. This is unbelievably creative and I'm laughing my ass off all by myself. Have you considered writing a book? (I've probably asked you that before but you really should!)

  21. LOL Did I run myself over? Now you have me thinking about browines ...

  22. I second Tina with the book. Hell I'd even pay for it...

  23. Love it... agree with the fact that anyone wanting my clothes certainly couldn't be starving. LOL this was so funny.

  24. I'm of the people who could fit into my old clothes wouldn't be starving, but rather they could cut them up and share them among their village.

  25. I'm a Leo and that's totally something I would do. I'd probably put an extra helping of lard in them as well. Lard makes everything taste better, right?

  26. Hilarious! Especially since I didn't go to my trainer last night for my appointments. Ooooops!

  27. Serves 6. SIX! I've f'n done that, man! LMAO.

  28. That was too funny! I love the one about filling your plate with M&Ms.

  29. Hahahaha! This is hilarious! I like how Pisces was paired with Reese's. I'm a Pisces, I love Reese's Pieces, and... what coincidence! I love chocolate milk. (just not the shake).


  30. I owe you an autographed book. Send me your address and I'll get it to you.


    Carole Carson, Author
    From Fat to Fit: Turn Yourself into a Weapon of Mass Destruction

  31. Oh Jack.....I'm SO BEHIND visiting you and I CAN'T figure out why because you amuse me and bust me up to NO END!!!!!!! Was reading you outloud for the last 20 minutes to the whole fam. Oh man, I needed you tonight.



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