Thursday, December 10, 2009

100 Things I’d Rather Do Than Gain My Weight Back

  1. Lick a mile of asphalt
  2. Tape grapefruit halves to my knees and wear them around for a month
  3. Begin each day listening to an hour-long audio of my father Horace explaining why Sarah Palin is right on the money
  4. Swallow a 9V battery
  5. Play strip poker with all my aunts and uncles
  6. Flush my wallet down the toilet
  7. Have my portrait taken at Walmart
  8. Get sprayed in the face with Easy-Off oven cleaner
  9. Forever believe that stepping on a crack would actually break my mother’s back
  10. Be either person in this conversation: "Hey, whatcha doing tonight, bro?" "Boozin'."
  11. Develop an irrational fear of Chapstick
  12. Drive a baby blue minivan
  13. Go see the world’s most boring opera
  14. Fish
  15. Go see the world’s most exciting opera
  16. Have all my sentences mysteriously start ending with the phrase “Boy, howdy”
  17. Get kicked in the crotch by a donkey
  18. Be pen pals with a death row inmaate
  19. Know only 75 words
  20. Start speaking like James Earl Jones
  21. Always have to answer the phone: "Yello"
  22. Develop a taste for Christian rock
  23. Wear a "Home of the Whopper" belt buckle to a job interview
  24. Eat pancakes with no syrup or silverware
  25. French kiss a buffalo
  26. Constantly forget the words to the "Happy Birthday" song
  27. Have a 4-hour conversation with Keanu Reeves about guacamole
  28. Ski pantsless
  29. Get a tattoo of Popeye giving Bluto a lap-dance
  30. Convert to any religion for a year
  31. Drink cold hot chocolate with no marshmallows
  32. Make out with Rosanne Barr
  33. Have all my teeth yanked and replaced with gummi teeth
  34. Listen to Barry Manilow singing Snoop Dogg’s greatest hits
  35. Give myself hourly wedgies for a month
  36. Be the designated driver at an Oktoberfest party
  37. Cough up my own liver
  38. Get a tetanus shot in the forehead
  39. Listen to my mom tell a story about losing her virginity
  40. Wear a thong made of steel wool
  41. Clean a men’s public restroom with my toothbrush
  42. Watch a reality TV show about the making of a reality TV show
  43. Be a telemarketer for a year
  44. Gargle with my own urine
  45. Take LSD and watch open-heart surgery on the Discovery Channel
  46. Eat a puppy sandwich at a PETA convention
  47. Spend a Saturday afternoon at Bed, Bath & Beyond
  48. Be one of the Smothers Brothers
  49. Carry a giant bag of bark wherever I go
  50. Think that I'm speaking Spanish when I'm really speaking gibberish
  51. Watch old people dance
  52. Go back to dial-up internet connection
  53. Wear Victoria's Secret PINK brand sweatpants
  54. Vacuum my eyeballs with a Shop-Vac
  55. Get a full-body massage from Al Gore
  56. Wear a Speedo to church
  57. Have my colonoscopy broadcast on network TV
  58. Be stuck in an elevator with a troupe of flatulent mimes
  59. Randomly call numbers from the phone book and demand "Who dis?!"
  60. Wax off 85% of my back hair
  61. Do a 10,000 piece puzzle of a dozen polar bears break-dancing in a blizzard
  62. Put a sticky note on every object in my house, identifying its purpose
  63. Watch sausage and/or babies get made
  64. Wear Elton John glasses for three months
  65. Ask Tom Cruise about Scientology
  66. Glue my mailbox shut
  67. Run barefoot across a construction site
  68. Watch nuns knit
  69. Repeatedly bang my knee on coffee table
  70. Create a flag that will represent my own nation
  71. Go to a toy store and try to purchase a Monopoly game using Monopoly money
  72. Go to Vegas and boycott drinking and gambling
  73. Pour boiling water up my nose
  74. Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts
  75. Develop an allergy to mittens
  76. Whenever I meet someone, announce that I'm the one who coined the phrase "coin the phrase"
  77. Sleep wearing a fur unitard and ice skates
  78. Mop-water enema
  79. Go through a car wash with my windows rolled down
  80. Fit Rush Limbaugh for assless chaps
  81. Drink water out of toilet in Mexico City
  82. Call 4-11 and shout "Oh my God! He's trying to kill me!"
  83. Pierce my Johnson
  84. Inadvertently be the cause of Coca-Cola going out of business
  85. Be a Pro Bowling Tour groupie
  86. After getting my drink on, wake up in a jail cell in a foreign country wearing a tuxedo that doesn't belong to me
  87. Lose my teddy bear
  88. Lick the crust out of my dog Dip’s eyeball
  89. Drive with my seat scooted all the way up
  90. Go to Dollyworld
  91. Live in one of those houses where everything’s slanted
  92. Have the navigational system in my car start talking in an Aussie accent
  93. Super Glue a gerbil to my forehead
  94. Inherit the national debt
  95. Take a job as a change-maker in a video arcade
  96. Be glow-in-the-dark for six months
  97. Be burned in effigy
  98. Milk a cat
  99. Eat less and exercise more
  100. Write a list of 100 things I'd rather do than gain the weight back

38 comments:

  1. Great list. The steel wool thong made me laugh, alot!

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  2. wow... thats an impressive list!

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  3. Glad to see Dip has been granted a stay of execution...

    LOVED the list, especially hearing about how SP is right on the money!

    Barb

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  4. Oh, dude. Some of those are just nasty. Lick a dog's eye buggars? Drinking the water out of a toilet in Mexico? The mental images assault my brain.

    I'm glad you said a baby blue minivan for #12. I was almost offended. I have a DARK blue minivan. :P Not my choice of a hot rod ride but when you gotta haul the kids.....
    My other ride is a '70 Chevelle that's been "modified."

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  5. As soon as I saw the title I knew it would be a good one, if you ever wear the Victoria Secret pants I demand a picture! LOL

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  6. It's DollyWOOD, Jack. DollyWOOD.

    And you almost lost me at hearing the story of Mom losing her virginity. *shudder*

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  7. I want to invite you to my next party. I don't know where you got some of this stuff but it's great entertainment.

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  8. Wear Victoria's Secret PINK brand sweatpants- these would be cute on ya! lol I never understood having PINK written across your ass. Or even worse- SEXY when the person wearing them is obviously NOT. haha :)

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  9. I can condense my list to one item:
    1. Re-read JackSh*t's list of 100 things he'd rather do than gain his weight back.

    Eeew.

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  10. A puppy sandwich?! I might even side with PETA on that one. And admit it, Jack - you already are driving a baby blue minivan.

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  11. The Father/Sarah Palin one is KILLING me!

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  12. Man, I think being glow in the dark would be kinda AWESOME. But I agree with the list wholeheartedly - I'd rather do just about anything than gain my 110 lbs back! :) As always, you crack me up.

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  13. Hmmm, are you my long-lost brother? I can see my Dad doing #3. As it is, he likes to call me up to tell me all about how global warming is a hoax, and also argues with me on Facebook about whether Bush was the worst president ever. And how Obama will turn out to be the worst (he can't seem to give me a reason, though).

    I wouldn't mind having a 4-hour conversation with Keanu Reeves about, well, anything really.

    #'s 29, 58, and 80 are my favorites. :o)

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  14. I love James Earl Jones! It's a good thing I've got a strong stomach with some of the others you mention... ;o)

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  16. **TYPO** Thanks for all of the wreckless ideas! It will be a fun weekend LOL :-) I could not agree more! What I have gained from losing 75LB is priceless!

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  17. I don't rush Limbaugh in assless chaps might be kind of fun...happen to love rush. He is hysterically funny. I think I shall come up with a 100 list...somewhere in there is going to have to be alan combs and a jar of vaseline....just sayin'.
    deep thoughts

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  18. Jack, too GREAT! I stopped right here & I know this is going to say something about me: Begin each day listening to an hour-long audio of my father Horace explaining why Sarah Palin is right on the money.

    They are all great but I really did stop there & cut & paste! I know we all have the right to out opinions BUT don't push it on me. I have a dear friend that sends stuff to me all the time & I finally told him to STOP!

    OK, I digress.... this is about weight loss! I know you will NOT go back Jack no matter what! I believe in you!

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  19. Love the list. Nice, very nice.

    my best
    Sean

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  20. This was HILARIOUS. I might steal this and title it "100 things I'd rather do than listen to Sarah Palin or see Rush Limbaugh in assless chaps."

    I'm telling you I was laughing out loud on this one.

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  21. Hi Jack. I'd happily do any of those rather than gain any weight. Errr, apart from #99 ... that's the only one I seem to have the trouble with.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  22. #33 and 81 are faves. Sounds like you're serious about not gaining the weight again. ;)

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  23. I was trying to look for my fave, but I love them all! You have amazing creativity my friend!

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  24. funny funny sh*t Jack! I am with you.

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  25. You kill me..almost as much as YumYucky..that is a compliment.

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  26. Hahaha! Funny list! Just goes to show how serious you are about keeping the weight off.

    -Denise

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  27. OMG you had me weeping over this one. But heyyyyyyyyyy.... *I* drive a baby blue minivan, dude!!

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  28. I like how you write a list of 100 things and all I want to say is "ditto."

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  29. I think you'd be dead sexy in some Victoria's Secret sweatpants...wait....this is still Opposite Day right?

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  30. This is the funniest post I have read in a *long* time. I can't even list my favorites because there were way too many. You even had my boyfriend laughing out loud.

    By the way, you've got to put up a picture of your manicure and pedicure.

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  31. Cold hot chocolate with no marshmallows. Shudder.

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  32. This was pretty funny Jack. It makes me ponder coming up with my own list. I am just not sure I am up to it.

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